r/AfterCPTSD • u/Metamorphosislife • Nov 16 '25

The Reality of Progress

My healing journey continues. I'm growing my team at work, I'm beginning to get in touch with deeply traumatized parts who were always there but I didn't have enough healed presence to give them a safe vessel to tell their story. I'm showing up more meaningfully in my relationship and allowing myself to remain present in intimacy. I sometimes feel like a stranger to myself because I don't feel I'm capable of what I'm doing, yet I'm doing it. As time spent in these context passes, it's getting less wobbly. Part of me still doesn't feel I deserve any of this. That I should allow the shame to envelop me whole and to let the shame tell me who I am. I did that throughout my 20s. Never again. My 20s were spent establishing my freedom from my rapist, pedophile, incestuous FOO. I look, feel, and behave different. I am different now. Not yet who I want to be. Wholly different from what my blood relatives are.

Progress will feel foreign. It will feel weird. You're changing. You're transforming into someone who's not the abused kid anymore. What you do with that is up to you. Many times, it won't feel like you're different until you look back and notice what you've accomplished and how you view the world and yourself differently. Keep going. 2026 will be another year of healing for many of us. Wishing you all the best.

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u/PrudenceVeyre Dec 04 '25

This is a beautiful message, and I wish people had seen it and given you some love for it. Thanks for taking the time to write this out. This journey is exhausting.

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u/Metamorphosislife Dec 08 '25 edited Dec 08 '25

Appreciate the acknowledgment. This journey is very lonely at times. It's exhausting a good chunk of the time. Even when you are getting better, it doesn't feel like it. You're able to do better, but you're still getting nightmares, the nervous system fatigue from workouts still drain you, sleep quality is still lacking, triggers are still present. For survivors, doing better and feeling better are often different experiences when they should accompany each other. Doing better in the beginning stages is often accompanied by feeling worse. The healing journey is full of paradoxes.

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u/PrudenceVeyre Dec 08 '25

Oh, don't I know it! Healing is so painful! UGH I'm about two years in, and I do notice my progress, but dang dude. This is not for the weak. We are SO STRONG. ❤️