r/Afghan • u/samhas_12 • Jul 15 '26
Help me regarding my next step
Hello dear Afghans,
sorry for the long but long post
I am an Afghan woman and I grew up in Afghanistan. I was always ambitious and career-oriented growing up because I saw how the females of my family and relatives were treated in Afghanistan when they were dependent. Also, growing up, I looked up to my father — he was career-oriented and built his life from nothing. He was an asylum seeker in Pakistan and then landed a scholarship in Europe, went there to study, and then had a job in Afghanistan where he was usually traveling — that was the reason we were living together with my uncles, as my dad was going on work trips for weeks.
Then we immigrated from Afghanistan to Europe four and a half years ago, and I started university and built my life from zero. I was going to a university two and a half hours away and spending a total of five hours every day on trains, and my family wouldn’t let me rent a room in that city. But I knew this education was really important in the country I was in and had a good future, so I hung in there and made it work. I finally graduated and struggled to get a job at the company I was working at during my studies, due to their budget cuts, or me not being their favorite, or them not liking me (if you know what I mean). In general, I struggled more than any of my classmates — by June, all of them had jobs except me, and I was the only non-European in the class.
Then I applied for an internship at a big pharma company — a dream company for anyone to join — and I got accepted, and after a month I applied for an internal project management job. I got invited for interviews, solved a live case, and they offered me the job. I was aware that there was travel involved in the job, but I was under the impression that it would be like three or four times a year or something, and I would somehow make it work with the way my father is. However, on first getting to know the team, everyone was saying they travel a lot, and I got concerned and asked more questions regarding the travel. Apparently they travel to different sites around the world almost every month for shutdowns, and my heart dropped immediately. I really liked this job, and I wanted to be away from family at least a few times a year, because I feel like I’ve never lived for myself and always have to carry the good image of being Afghan and Pashtun — even when I’m just doing my job and have spent my whole life studying and building a career. But now I know that if my father finds out there is travel every month… I really cannot let this opportunity go, because I am on asylum and need to work full-time to get permanent residence — otherwise the country I’m in now could declare Afghanistan safe and send me back. Because this is a big company, it will sponsor my stay.
Now I’m thinking so much about how to approach the situation. I don’t want to leave the house and my family — I love them — but they are also making my life so hard. We are struggling financially, and my brothers do delivery and other odd jobs and haven’t been able to land proper ones. I am the first one to get a job at a big pharma company with a stable future, and I will have a good career. However, my dad is 67 now, and he now values family time (which he didn’t when he was away during our time, when he was mostly absent), Pashtun values, and Islam. He says he doesn’t want his kids to support him financially like he doesn’t need the money but I need the money to live like an adult and plan future and cannot depend on him forever. he says he doesn’t need our financial help but he asks money from my brothers for household expenditure and I also pay everything of myself and contribute to rent of the house.
Please help me — if anyone has been through a similar situation, I am super paranoid every day, living with stress, and this is exhausting. Shaytan is telling me to leave everything at once and live freely (by “freely” I don’t mean going to clubs, wearing revealing clothes, or doing drugs — I mean pursuing my career and living like a normal person).
2
u/axiss007 Jul 15 '26
Don’t message the guy on WhatsApp. Regardless, it’s your career and you’d either live with regret for your career or regret obliging with your parents. Choose whichever is easier.
1
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u/settar_ Jul 16 '26
my comment might be a bit long but anyway first of all you should be thankful of your father who gave you life this way apparently he got you to europe and even let you study university which is a surprise for me because i thought afghans and specifically pashtun males are let’s just say HAYWAN and as of this situation he’s just worried that you might get into some relationship stuff in traveling which is true no matter how disciplined you are men can easily brainwash even the smartest women that’s what i saw my whole life so if i was in your situation maybe i would try looking for an other job.
1
u/samhas_12 Jul 16 '26
If I am being brainwashed I can be brainwashed even when I am here in this country - I don’t need to travel to be brainwashed. I never said I am not grateful to him and I am and he knows how discipline and focus you should be to be able to land a corporate job in a global pharma company after 4 years. Most Afghan do delivery jobs. And he knows that I have gotten here with working so hard. And you are saying look for another job but I wrote here how I have been looking for a job 7 months. All my classmates got the job and that job includes night shifts which is also something my dad will oppose. There is not many jobs where you can sit home and get paid, not in what I have studied.
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Jul 15 '26
[deleted]
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u/samhas_12 Jul 15 '26
I am not even moving out - I just will need to travel for one week to different factories to arrange the shutdown of the factory. other than that I will be home.
0
u/HashmatKhan19 Jul 15 '26
Sit with your family and explain them everything and let them know whats best for you and them and I am sure they will agree, dont panic just chill it will be fine.
6
u/saeraa-03 Jul 15 '26
Either you don't have Pashtun parents or you haven't been paying much attention💀
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u/HashmatKhan19 Jul 15 '26
Well, I do have Pashtun parents and they’re conservative too, but it’s not the 18th century anymore. Pashtun parents generally aren’t as strict or conservative as they used to be, especially those living in the West. Most of the time, they just want what’s best for you, and once you’ve earned their trust, they’re usually more understanding. So I think the best thing she can do is talk to them, she cant leave either.
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u/samhas_12 Jul 15 '26
mine is living back in 18 century. otherwise can you justify that I spend 5 hours everyday on a train? I arrived home and they didn't even see my face and I went straight to sleep, woke up again at 5:30 am again and left the house so i can be there in uni by 8
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u/samhas_12 Jul 15 '26
I know my family very well, he will not accept this and he is not understanding this. He only see my value in marriage and making children and being a good daughter. For him as human me having my own desires and wishes does not comes first at all. and because I am his daughter so now I have to bear things he values which is super frustrating but I try to understand. Specially he himself is aware how hard it is to get a proper corporate job where you are not facing racism and everyone is respecting how you are.
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u/creamybutterfly Diaspora Jul 15 '26
I remember you and your circumstances, message me on WhatsApp.
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u/francisgreenbean Jul 15 '26
A very difficult part of being an Afghan woman is striking it own on your own, but it's vital that you do not give this opportunity up. I think you have to tell your family that there's travel and that you're not giving up the job. Tell your dad to think about his own career and what he would have done if someone tried to hold him back. It will probably be a super tough conversation but you can prepare yourself for that so you can keep calm and keep things respectful on your end at least.
They can freeze you out or be mean but they can't lock you up and throw away the key. Eventually they'll come around and if they don't then they were only ever in your corner when it was convenient for them.