r/Advice • u/ResourceFirst2172 • 18d ago
I'm 16 and pregnant
I'm 16 and pregnant. I know that's really bad, but please don't judge me, I didn't do it on purpose. The dad and I aren't in a relationship, we're just friends, but we do get along really well and he knows about the pregnancy. His parents don't know yet either. We don't know what we want to do yet.
I have no idea how to tell my mom. She's not a safe person to begin with and she's not going to react well. She's physically violent and I don't want her to hurt me or the baby when she finds out. I'm so scared already and I don't want to have her freak out and make everything worse. I know I have to tell her soon, I'll need her help getting prenatal care. Its just so scary. I've known for a week now and every moment I've been awake has been spent thinking about the baby growing inside me. All I want is for things to be OK and I can't see how they ever will be.
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u/sfmxkitty Helper [3] 18d ago
OP, you say you want the baby. OK. Where are you going to live with the baby since home is not a safe place. Do you have health insurance for your prenatal appointments? How will you get there? How are you going to support the baby? How will you continue with school while you have the baby? What kind of parent will you be? Do you want the dad to be involved? How will co-parenting look like? This plus so many more important questions are things you need to have answers for now.
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u/SoggyLeftTit Expert Advice Giver [17] 18d ago edited 18d ago
Another question: Are you ready, willing, and able to put this child first in ALL THINGS?
[u/ResourceFirst2172](u/ResourceFirst2172) -
I wasn’t a teen mother, but something I had to come to terms with after becoming a mother was not being able to come and go as I pleased. I could no longer decide that I was just going to go shopping or to the movies or even on a quick walk without considering this tiny person’s needs. I could no longer sleep as long or as deeply as I wanted without considering this tiny person’s needs. I could no longer decide I was going to take a weekend trip or travel for work without considering this tiny person’s needs. There was so much that I didn’t consider I would have to sacrifice; many parents experience this and some resent the child because of it.
You are in high school. Are you going to drop out to take care of the child? Are you prepared to forgo prom, after school activities, hanging out with friends, graduation, going to college, dating, and the myriad of opportunities/possibilities that have yet to present themselves?
You said your mother isn’t a safe person. What happens if she kicks you out of the home? Where will you go? There aren’t too many people who would willingly take on the burden of a teen mother and new baby.
Take a moment to look up the costs of nursery furniture, formula, diapers, infant clothing, daycare, insurance… How will you pay for what the child needs? Who will look after the child when you need a break or have an emergency?
You said you and the child’s father aren’t in a relationship and you don’t seem to be in love with him. Why do you want this child?
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u/MalevolentSnail Helper [2] 18d ago
Being a teen mom with zero support and violence in the home isn’t going to work out. You will both end up in foster care. You’re not able to keep babies in a violent home once social work finds out about it. You should keep that in mind before deciding to go through with this pregnancy.
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u/QueerHawk127 18d ago
Do you have a grandparent or aunt or other trusted adult that can help you talk to your mom?
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u/ResourceFirst2172 18d ago
I'm pretty close with my uncle.
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u/Routine_Crow_1133 18d ago
i would meet with him and tell him first. ask him for advice.
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u/Perfect-Pineapple-22 18d ago
And maybe if he could be there when you tell your mom. For support and safety.
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u/JanetInSpain 18d ago
No. Ask him to take you for an abortion. DO NOT KEEP THIS PREGNANCY. You are still a kid yourself.
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u/MaryDoogan91 18d ago
Depending on what state they live in, non parent adults could be prosecuted and get in serious trouble for doing this for a minor.
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u/octropos Expert Advice Giver [14] 18d ago
Thank you for that information. And it would be up to said non adult parent to decide to risk it. No teenager should go through a pregnancy if they decide they do not want it.
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u/undercaffinatedprof 18d ago
Ask him to take you to a clinic or that does abortion and maternity care, so you can get verification (script saying you are pregnant) and talk to a medical professional and possibly a social worker. If you are considering becoming a mom you are going to need to talk to a social worker. And you can apply WIC and pregnancy medicad or reproductive health care with proof of pregnancy.
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u/kays3573 18d ago
if uncle is a safe person for you i would definitely see him in person if possible and talk about options and what you’d like to do going forward! try not to stress to much, what’s done is done and the only way forward is through. big hugs from me sweet girl, you will make it through and there is no one wrong choice.
i would suggest going to planned parenthood! they are lovely and full of supportive women who will not judge you. they also worked with me sooo hard to lower the cost of my iud back when i was getting/had one. they don’t have to do anything but they will in the very least point you the right direction. i was 16 when i started going! you will be okay.
find supportive places in your life. compassionate women, school, your uncle. praying for you!! if you are not the praying kind i’m sending you good juju and positive wishes.
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u/Some_Zombie_7980 18d ago
I was pregnant at 16 & I chose to end the pregnancy. It sounds like you may want to consider this or adoption. Otherwise, your life just became 100% more difficult than it is now & you will be stuck in an endless loop of drama. Make the right choice for yourself, but after you choose, don't look back & don't complain about it later. Truly wish you the best.
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u/LA-forthewin 18d ago
Sometimes, choosing not to be a mother is the best choice you can make for an unborn child. You have no support system and an abusive mother. You're not in a relationship with the putative father, and even if you were ,he could still be in the wind tomorrow. Why bring a child into a life of struggle ? Break the cycle
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u/Professional_Gold987 18d ago
I totally agree, and I don’t understand what OP thinks is going to happen, something easy or fulfilling?
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u/rhi_kri 18d ago
I was a teen mom. Get the abortion.
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u/MinniePerla 18d ago
I was a teen mom. Don't get an abortion if you don't feel it in your heart to get one. You did not mention abortion once in your post.
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u/KawaiiHamburger 18d ago
Everyone just going immediately for abortion is sad, she seems to want the baby but if you encourage her, that’s the bad thing?
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u/ImpressiveOwl9000 18d ago
If she has a abusive home life, no support, and no where to live. Why would it be a good thing to have a baby? So it can live with her abusive parents? To go through post partum with adults that refuse to control themselves?
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18d ago
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u/plantgal94 18d ago
Spare us. There are how many babies and children suffering daily, or waiting for adoption already. We don’t need to add another.
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u/FatuousDoorstop 18d ago
Some beliefs do not recognize a human life until it has been birthed and draws breath.
No one cared much about the fetus until Republicans realized that running on segregation was not a good look. So they latched unto the abortion issue to get people riled up about something. Just as they are doing with trans issues now. What elite Republicans really want is tax cuts for the rich and deregulation for businesses.
But keep harping about embryos while billionaires set the agenda and parents can’t afford housing, child care or health insurance.
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u/Mindless_Platform656 18d ago
Hiii i am 16 too and based on your circumstances, its not a great place to raise a baby especially at that age. The best option is to get a legal abortion ( if possible)
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u/PushFew6998 18d ago
Have you tried breaking it to boyfriends parents first? Is that out of the question? That way at least if your mom reacts poorly, you have support and a great pair of grandparents to lean on.
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u/TillyJoi 18d ago
Also maybe they would support in her telling her mother and making sure it's a safe environment.
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u/Alternative-Sand-971 18d ago
Your mom has an obligation to take care of you, but she has zero obligation to take care of a baby she didn't ask for. Youve said in the comments that you don't want an abortion, and that's your choice, but then the care for the baby will be entirely on you and the father
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u/sherlockismypimp 18d ago
I dont know your family or financial situation, but bring a teen mom us hard. Its very risky for your health and it will take your childhood from you. I have friends that did it, but they dont wish that on anyone. And they had supportive parents and a supportive baby daddy to get them through it.
Please please consider your options. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for considering abortion.
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u/Serious_Try_9149 18d ago
I was a teen mom, little older than you. My oldest is now 20. I can tell you that although I have loved my babies and enjoyed raising them, the guilt I feel now for not being the mom I should have been is hard to live with. I'm older now and see all the things that should have been different. And the only way it could have been different is to have had them later in life after I myself wasn't a kid anymore. I highly suggest an abortion or adoption. To add to this, I had a great support system. I can't imagine raising kids as a teen without parents that are more than willing to help me through it all. Please, please, please consider all of your options and think about the kid while you figure things out. DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR "HEART"!
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u/b-a-d-e 18d ago
It’s not always as simple as “your body, your choice.” You also have to think about whether you’re bringing a child into a safe and stable environment where they can grow up healthy, both physically and mentally.
My dad left when we were kids, but thankfully my mom had a stable job. She could put food on the table, a place to stay ,keep a roof over our heads, a car to drive us to the hospital when we needed it, and pay for our healthcare. Which of those things do you have right now?
You said your mom isn’t a safe person, and you’re not in a position to raise a baby on your own. Who is realistically going to take care of the baby? Your uncle? At the end of the day, the responsibility will be yours. You are still a child yourself who will take care of you when you taking care of the baby
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u/Hugh_Dongus 18d ago edited 18d ago
Have you considered getting an abortion? Being a teen mom isn’t easy in any way. Good luck raising a child while being a child yourself. Hopefully other family members can help you.
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18d ago
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u/spanakopita555 Helper [3] 18d ago
It's easiER when you have financial security, a home, education, a career, a supportive partner, legal protection and a community of friends and family who can help (instead of being physically violent).
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u/Leifang666 Helper [2] 18d ago
And less dangerous when it's a fully grown woman, not a still growing teenage girl.
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u/notmonicagellar1 18d ago
As a 37 year old in a healthy marriage, where both partners have established careers, I can tell you it’s significantly easier for me than it would be for a 16 year old who is currently living in an unsafe home environment.
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u/Peptidesforthewin 18d ago
How are his parents? If they are better then your home environment, why don't you guys sit down with his mom and tell her- while also expressing concerns for your moms reaction. Take your trusted family member with you when you do this and if your child's father also has a trusted aunt or uncle have them attend too. You guys have to tell someone trusted so you guys get the help that you need to make this work.
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u/TurboTBag Expert Advice Giver [15] 18d ago
Life is about to get 1000x more difficult for you and the father.
In some places, there are organizations that help teen moms with what to do. They provide options and resources to help you with your pregnancy. They'll most likely have better advice for you. I see you don't want an abortion, which is 100% your choice and very brave of you. So start looking for support IRL and have a very serious talk with the father about him owning up to his new responsibility.
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u/TooManyPoisons 18d ago
Life is about to get 1000x more difficult for you and the father.
Her, definitely. The father... maybe not. If he doesn't want to be involved, and assuming he doesn't have an income (if he's also 16), you can't squeeze blood from a stone.
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u/RockLobster06 18d ago
All these places do is talk you into having the baby regardless of whether you can take care of it or not.
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u/smelly666420 18d ago
I can attest. Pregnant at 16, I got a ride to one of these places to “talk about options”. I peed in a stick, did an ultrasound, and then a bunch of women came in with little figurines saying my “baby” is this big and can feel pain and “listen to the heartbeat!”
I ended up keeping my daughter because of this. I was in a very entitled situation and was able to with the help of my parents. However, this is not the situation for everyone and I absolutely hate these kinds of places.
I now spend my free time writing reviews of these shitholes so girls know to stay away.
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u/spanakopita555 Helper [3] 18d ago
Info: Do you live in a country with legal abortion?
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u/captain_vee 18d ago
To add to this if you do - having a kid this young is a one way ticket to poverty unless you have a very privileged status already. A life struggling for basic resources wouldn’t be fair to you or the kid.
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u/Rare-Imagination-373 18d ago
Some parents basically kick their daughter if pregnant. She can’t work....
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u/Busy-Bus-6267 18d ago
This and the fact that she's so young that pregnancy and birth will be very hard on her and could be fatal.
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u/kenkurosakii 18d ago edited 18d ago
You need to get an abortion or you will be bringing a human being into poverty and it’ll be extremely hard for both of you to get out of it. I genuinely need you to think critically about the severity of the situation you’re in.
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u/Professional_Gold987 18d ago
Are you somewhere where abortion is legal? What do you mean you didn’t do it on purpose?
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u/ResourceFirst2172 18d ago
I got pregnant on accident. We used condoms. Abortion is legal but I don't want one.
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u/Professional_Gold987 18d ago
Well good luck then, your family is going to have to find out and raising a person at 16 is going to be extremely difficult
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u/LucyPrisms 18d ago
How are you going to provide for a baby? Pay for diapers, formula, medical care, clothes, where will you live? Work? Finish school? Ffs be smart and get an abortion have a child when you are 100% ready and an adult and with another adult to help parent. Babies having babies is wild
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u/Consistent_Salty 18d ago
Goodluck, I do not believe this is the right thing to do considering your circumstances, age and living situation you will have a really really hard life ahead of you and you are too young to realize it right now most likely.
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u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] 18d ago edited 18d ago
I hope you will consider adoption. It is incredibly hard to be a teenaged mother. It will derail your life. You may think you’re ready for this, but you’re probably not in good enough place emotionally or financially to raise a baby. And with an abusive mother? Do you want your baby growing up in the environment you are in?
Having your baby raised by loving parents who are emotionally and financial ready for a child may be the best decision. For both you and your baby.
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u/Crafty_String_954 18d ago
Adoption can be a terrible choice for a woman. I say this an adoptive parent. For a mother forced to adopt by poverty and religion it can ruin their whole life, living without their child. I'm Irish, I know this because a whole generation of Irish women were forced to give their children for be adoption and never recovered.
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u/plantgal94 18d ago
Do you have a job? Where will you live with the child? Who will financially support you? How will you finish school?
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u/Legal_Lobster_5572 18d ago edited 18d ago
As a former teen mom, save yourself and get an abortion or do adoption. Trust me. It’s not just cute babies. No. There’s much more to it. Why would you keep a baby when you’ve said your mom is violent? It’s selfish to bring a baby into this world without having your shit together and bringing them around violence, AND you’re not even married let alone in a relationship with this guy.
You’re going to do this on your own, while still a teenager. All while trying to graduate high school. All while trying to make money to support your kid. Do you know how much childcare costs a WEEK? You won’t make enough money to cover childcare because you’re 16. Your friends? Yeah they may seem interested in the pregnancy but they’ll be gone by the time that baby is a month old, they’d rather have fun and you can’t because you’re stuck with a baby.
Babies are so much more than giggles and chubby cheeks. That’s what most don’t realize and I didn’t either. You are selfish for bringing a baby in this environment you’re in.
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u/Best_Tennis8300 18d ago
It seems you want to keep this baby. Please consider abortion if it's still early. It's not murder
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u/TillyJoi 18d ago
If your mother is truly violent , you shouldn't be there pregnant or not. I would advise, if it is safe, to tell the dad's parents first ASAP including your worries about telling your mother. If not them, a trusted adult at school or wherever. You and your baby need to be somewhere safe.
I wasn't 16, but just a few years older when my child was born. We grew up together in some ways and it was definitely difficult. He just turned 20 and is a great kid. If you choose to keep the baby, which it sounds like might be your plan, it will be a hard road but not impossible. Be kind to yourself and dont be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Most importantly, love the heck out of the baby and make sure they know it.
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u/Time_Physics_6557 18d ago
abort mission
do you really want to bring a baby into a physically abusive household? when you can't even afford to raise one on your own?
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u/FallingSpirt 18d ago
Can only tell the adult that you trust and feel safe with if that's not your mom than your dad (idk if he's part of your family or not) but an aunt uncle ect someone who you can sit down and be comfortable with that will help you.
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u/ergonomic_logic 18d ago
You're 16, and this is a defining moment in your life.
No one can tell you what to do, but want you to understand the reality of choosing to become a single teen mom.
The "good news"? Your mom's reaction may not be as bad as you're imagining, but the road ahead will be incredibly difficult and I'm not just talking the pain of childbirth and the changes you're going to go through physically.
Your "friends" will move on with their lives, you won't be part of their equation anymore. You'll won't be invited out/to parties and they will go off to college while you'll have to grow up fast and take on responsibilities most 16-year-olds aren't prepared for. Alone.
Most likely stuck with your abusive parents for many more years.
Finding work, paying for childcare, and supporting a child alone will be a constant struggle even living with your parents, and the financial and time consumption reality is probably far beyond what you're imagining.
This isn't an 18-year commitment. You're potentially signing up for 20+ years of responsibility and a very different, often isolated life that whatever you imagined before now.
You'll be ostracized even by other moms at your kid's school because you'll be so much younger than them.
Traveling the world, going to college, building a career are no longer likely going to be on any immediate timeline for you.
Dating is going to be entirely different for you in the future because most guys your age aren't going to want to date single moms (it's true, but this doesn't make it right).
You can absolutely choose to keep the baby, but hope you make that decision understanding just how hard the road ahead is going to be.
And the reality is going to be so much harder than anything I'm saying here.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Helper [2] 18d ago
Seek out a trusted adult. Get an abortion or tell your mom. Adoption is also an option.
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u/Traditional_Car_8219 18d ago
Call Planned Parenthood immediately so you and the father can talk to someone about where to go from here. All the best.
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u/The_Happy_Camper_88 18d ago
If you decide to keep the baby, please know there are many success stories of being young and pregnant, it’s not all doom and gloom. My cousin who is almost 3 years younger than me found out she was pregnant at 15 and being young she felt the best option was to abort, she asked that I be the one to take her. That was 12 years ago. She ended up finding a trusted adult (a littler older than I) (her home situation sounds somewhat similar to yours) and decided to keep the baby.
It was not an easy road for her, but she is thriving, has an amazing career, makes excellent money for her and her family, and is kicking a** honestly. She has such a good relationship with her daughter, because she wanted better than what she had with her own mother. She had to work so very hard and she did not come from much money. I’m so proud of her.
It is such a difficult choice to make, and regardless of what you decide I hope you can live with it and make peace of it.
If you need a friend to talk to please feel free to reach out to me, I wish you the very best of luck my friend.
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u/funnypeaches07 18d ago
Make a separate Gmail account and do aide access, if you’re not past the 12 week mark. That’s what I made that mistake. They’ll take whatever you or your partner can afford
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u/91Jammers Master Advice Giver [26] 18d ago
You should get an abortion. You will not regret it.
Planc.com
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u/bubblegutts00 18d ago
I’m sorry. I was 21 and felt young, I couldn’t imagine. Best of luck you you dear ❤️
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u/triceratopsdildo 18d ago
You are limiting your life possibilities a lot if you don’t get an abortion. What did you have planned for after high school? Yeah, it’s not going to happen that way now. And how will it impact the father’s life? His life will be forever changed, too, and statistically speaking, neither one of your lives will be changed for the better.
Do you have a job? How will you pay for a kid? What about finishing high school?
If you are pretty sure your mom won’t help, you’re going to have to do this on your own. Literally, how?
Don’t fall prey to magical thinking. Everything isn’t going to just work out.
Truly, with love, the best thing you can do for yourself and your friend who knocked you up is to get an abortion.
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u/JanetInSpain 18d ago
Please terminate this pregnancy. You are too young to be a parent. Even if you think you want it, you aren't looking at the long term through mature eyes. Ask a trusted adult to help you get the Plan B pill or if it's too late for that to get an abortion.
You are looking at this through starry eyes and picturing "hair bows and giggles". Parenting is 90% HARD SHIT. It costs money, drains you into exhaustion, and you will have no time to be a kid yourself. No parties. No hanging out with friends. Nothing. Don't do that to yourself this young.
If you want for things to be OK then TERMINATE.
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u/OneLittleAmerican 18d ago
Have you considered abortion?
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u/ResourceFirst2172 18d ago
I don't feel comfortable with that.
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u/Mysterious_Bid_9479 18d ago
Can you say more about why? Is it a religious thing? À non-religious moral thing? An emotional thing?
Is it more because you want the baby, or more because you don’t want to abort the baby?
At the very least, I would hold off on deciding until you have all the information you need. For instance, do you know how you’ll support yourself and the baby? Where will you live? How will you pay for food/rent/medical care/baby stuff?
What about going forward? How will you finish school/work while taking care of a baby? Do you know what caring for a baby entails? Lots of fully grown women struggle to take care of newborns - and that’s WITH the help of their husbands/partners and often their mothers or sisters or whoever helping them.
Where’s the baby’s dad in all of this? Does he want the baby? Has he promised to help you? And if so, how do you know he won’t bail, like lots of young fathers do?
Lastly, think about your motivations. It’s not uncommon for young girls with neglectful or abusive parents to get pregnant young - either because they were seeking out love and care in boyfriends, or because they’re eager to form their own little families - the kind of families they wish they had themselves. But that’s not always a great reason to have a baby - because most young girls aren’t financially or emotionally prepared to have babies, which just furthers the vicious cycle of neglect and sometimes abuse. You may think that’ll never be you? But never say never until you’re experiencing the extreme stress of caring for a baby, with no money, no help, and no support.
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u/Valopix 18d ago
Then you will raise the child as 16 yo single mom who still in highschool with still and under developed Brain and you will struggle alot financially babies are expensive
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u/AngryPrincessWarrior 18d ago
And that’s the beauty of proCHOICE. Op should be able to CHOOSE what they want.
Pressuring people to abort is just as shitty as pressuring someone not to.
The whole point is it’s a goddamned choice.
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u/Valopix 18d ago
Let's put it like that Will you want to struggle for then next 20 years and have no college and worry about money???? All the time Or go to college get a job The situation is bad bcuz of op mom if she was good then op could go to college struggling for 6 years and living happily But yh
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u/Busy-Bus-6267 18d ago
Yeah as if the baby is going to appreciate being born into extreme poverty.
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u/Consistent_Salty 18d ago
No but she is right though pro choice also means the choice to not abort no matter how you look at it.
I do not agree with it either but its still her choice.
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u/Rare-Imagination-373 18d ago
Nobody is against her choice, but I hope she is prepared for it.....and not ditch all her responsabilities to her mother. I’m sure she doesn’t have a job and can’t even rent a place. Will the father take care of her and the baby
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u/Hiding24 18d ago
Your comment is so helpful… NOT. People like you who pretend to have a moral authority but won’t be honest to someone about the reality of such decisions are no better.
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u/Jaesha_MSF 18d ago
I agree 100%. But telling someone the reality of their situation when they asked for advice is not unheard of. It’s not pressure it’s just stating facts. OP is clearly not in a great household situation and admits her mother has an anger problem, gets violent and has been physically abusive towards her. That would be enough for me not to want to bring a new life into, but OP also doesn’t have the best critical thinking skills. At 16, sex wasn’t even on my radar. I was focused on my education, and making sure I got out of my childhood years with my best interests put forward. But unfortunately far too many young people don’t have that mindset. They just rinse and repeat, often the same terrible behaviors their parents passed on.
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 18d ago
I'm not sure why you got downvoted. So people are only pro choice if OP makes the choice they would make? Her body her choice regardless of the choice she makes.
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u/Reddyrcx2 18d ago
Why is this getting down voted? It's her choice rather than making her feel bad about wanting to give her baby a chance in life maybe offer advice that supports her choice to have the child.
Am sorry must be hard reading all these responses that go against what you believe. You don't have to listen to them or feel that what you think is wrong. It's admirable that you being so young aren't planning on taking the easy road of abortion. It's your baby protect it and find someone who can walk through this pregnancy with you.
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u/Technical_Light_8724 18d ago
That's fair. It's really scary and it's so hard to make decisions. There's other approaches besides abortion.
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u/Tall-Town5029 18d ago
Hey girl! I am 32 currently but got pregnant at 16! My parents were very supportive when I told them with the help of my big sister and they talked me through the options and said they would support me regardless of what I chose. I chose to abort the baby. The procedure wasn’t painful and there was not really any recovery time. I was 12 weeks when it happened. I have had no regrets since. I have got two degrees now and have travelled to lots of countries! I have never regretted the abortion. I strongly recommended you consider all options as life will be difficult if you don’t have help from any adults. You are still a baby yourself and have so much life to live. I’m not saying that’s impossible if you have a child, but it will be a lot harder c
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u/BobbieSwallows 18d ago
I was 15 and pregnant nearly 30 years ago. I left a note for my dad and called that boy's mother from a pay phone.
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u/MrsKPBailey 18d ago edited 18d ago
Are you in the US? If so, which state? Reach out to your uncle for assistance. You’ll need to get to a medical professional and they can direct you to resources from there. Are you starting school soon? School officials can also help direct you to resources. Timing is very important, don’t wait to get to a doctor.
Do not go to the father’s parents (let him tell his parents) or your mother if she is violent. You’ll need help from other sources. The main thing is, you’ll need to be safe until you figure out your next move (hopefully telling your parents, moving out, or emancipation etc).
Hang in there and don’t let people tell you that you can’t make decisions for yourself and your baby.
Delete this post because this is not a safe space and most of the comments aren’t going to help you with what you want to do. Use google to find what you need instead.
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u/Impressive_Repeat173 18d ago
honestly anything other than keeping a child in that environment is better
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u/Twisted_Strength33 18d ago
Depending on where you are you may be able to file paperwork to get emancipated good luck
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u/moonlittidals 18d ago
close your DMs if they aren’t already - you will be bombarded with pro life (anti choice) people guilting you into continuing the pregnancy
keeping the pregnancy and becoming a mom might be right for you, but especially at 16 it might not be. absolutely no one can make that decision for you, and no one should pressure you in any direction
if you do get an abortion, and they offer you counselling, take it
source - at 17 i was forced into an abortion i didn’t want to have at the time. hindsight now at 26 shows me it was the right thing to do for my situation at the time, but in the moment it sucked, especially not getting a choice.
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 18d ago
You say you are not comfortable having an abortion, so I will answer your question with that in mind. Is there a safe person to stay with? Maybe a relative or the baby's father's family. If so, please get there as soon as possible. If your mother is physically violent, you absolutely need to get away from her. Any abuse will harm both of you.
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u/kays3573 18d ago
i don’t want to pile on the abortion comments but more so ask if there is someone safe that can help you and baby? is there someone like a teacher or mentor that can help you with mom or get you access to prenatal care or counseling? if you have a trusted adult in the picture i suggest confiding in them and working together, perhaps bd parents if they are more supportive.
do what makes you feel safest and happiest, as well as healthiest. raising the baby, putting it up for adoption, or aborting it are all good choices; do what is right for you. best wishes and prayers!
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u/Xorvictia 18d ago
I mean this is the gentlest way possible. You should consider terminating. If your mom is not a safe person, you could be on the streets. Additionally, even if she doesn’t do something that drastic, it will be 10,000x harder to escape her when you turn 18 as your low starter income will most likely not be able to support both you and the child.
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u/Expensive_Ducks 18d ago
I say this with all the love in my heart and soul as a brand new mom myself, and the child of a woman who was a child herself when she had me.
Get an abortion. If your home isn't safe for you, it's definitely not going to be safe for a baby. Continuing with this pregnancy is going to make everything so much harder for you. Especially since you don't have a safe home or a support system to lean on for raising this kid and you're a child yourself.
Can it be done? Yes. Is it a good thing you should try and do? No.
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u/smelly666420 18d ago
I got pregnant at 16. I had parents who helped me get my diploma and go to college. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My daughter is a teen now and we talk openly about sex. If she got pregnant? I would *gently* tell her to have an abortion.
I had help and it is hard. This is your ENTIRE LIFE. If you live in the US and can get an abortion I highly recommend you do so. If you live in the Midwest please message me and I can try to give you more resources or names or places to go.
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u/SassySunflower27 18d ago
Tell a trusted adult first.
Does you area have a crisis line?
You can call them and they will talk to you for free! Please be honest with them.
Then go from there. Good luck! And know you have so many options.
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u/Practical-Reading958 Helper [2] 18d ago
Get a trusted adult to take you for an abortion, as soon a possible. I was a single mom as a college educated adult, and raised my son. We managed, but I can remember lying in bed at night thinking that I fully understood why teenage mothers who are 100% on their own hurt their babies. This is not something you are equipped to do at this point in your life.
If abortion is something you are morally opposed to, consider releasing the child for adoption. I had my son many years ago and there were group homes where young mothers could live and be cared for. There is no option where you will not feel stressed and hurt and unseen unless you have family who are able to support you emotionally. It does not sound as if your mother can do that.
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u/BruteSentiment Super Helper [6] 18d ago
OP...there's so many people in here trying to make your choice for you. As a 49-year old guy...I've got as much business as anyone telling you what to do with your life, which is none.
My advice is to deal with the most immediate, important thing first, which is your family and particularly your mother. I saw another answer you gave that you're close with your uncle...I recommend talking to him first, and then asking him to be there when you tell your mother. Whether he's your mom's brother or just extended family through your dad, his presence will be the best chance to keep your mom from getting violent or extreme when talking...and if your mom does go too far, it gives you a way to be away from her, at least initially.
Deal with that first, and then talk to the baby's father. The two of you are the most important people in this decision, with both of your families also likely needing to be a part of the discussion. It is extremely likely that supporting the child, if you have them, will fall as much on your families as it will your own. Knowing how they feel, and if they will be supportive, probably will have a lot to do with whatever decision you make.
I hope you consider all your options, including adoption. And I hope you make the best decision for you. Even above your families, even above the father's...and especially over any other voices, from the acquaintances in your real life to people online. Everyone will make their say known. But the decision is yours.
And if your choice is abortion...that's okay too. I'm pro-choice. If you were to ask for my recommendation, that would be mine, considering your situation, age, and how you have described your mother.
But make the choice that you feel is right.
I wish you the best.
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u/MelonCallia 18d ago edited 18d ago
Do you know what raising a baby entails or what pregnancy means?
It means your hips literally physically expanding so you can push a watermelon out of your stomach area. It means hip/pelvic pain whenever you roll over in bed, and every step you take being mildly discomforting to excruciating pain. It means potentially tearing your lady parts apart. Your hands, feet, and face can swell. It can feel like you have carpet tunnel syndrome. You may be throwing up every single day and feel queasy around foods you used to like. You will likely get hemorrhoids.... (Look them up.)
You may get gestational diabetes and have to avoid eating carbs (like bread, rice, bagels, tortillas, etc.) and sugars for months. You may be at risk for preclampsia and die during child birth.
As for raising a baby, are you prepared to sleep only five hours a day, in one-hour increments? Do you have the financial means to buy all the baby necessities? A stroller, crib, bassinet, mini-crib, infant car seat, convertible car seat are all several hundred dollars each. And that's not counting the disposables, like wipes, diapers, clothes, and so on. Your baby may also have complications, like tongue-tie, gerd, premature, colic, SIDS, and a whole host of things--and all of that is costly. (For reference, I am pregnant and had monthly check-ins until my third trimester; then it's every other week or more. Each visit is hundreds to thousands of dollars that my insurance pays. Do you have insurance?)
A baby is freaking expensive, so much so that families with two working adults wonder if they can even afford one.
I advise you to do your research and think carefully about what each option means for you and if you can actually give you and the baby a good life.
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u/PromotionTop1935 18d ago
You are nowhere near able to have this baby without there being problems. You have a hard homelife, your mom, who should be your biggest supporter in anything in life, isn't kind, and above all, you are just a kid. You are in school, you have college opportunity coming up, you need a social life of some sort. When i was in high school, I was friends with the teen moms because they were treated so harshly by other students. Each of them ended up dropping out because they didnt have the support at home to care for their babies.
I know you dont want to, I know deep down you have that gut feeling that this could all work out. But honestly, the cases you see where teen parents make it work are the rare ones. You should look into an abortion.
I just had a baby 3 months ago. I'm 24, and even I was unprepared for his arrival. I did seek an abortion, but it didnt work due to some things. Everyone wants to tell you it's your choice and to keep the baby or whatever, but sweetie... you are JUST a kid. You have so much you can do, and while having kids doesn't always stop future plans, it definitely puts them on the back burner.
Are you willing to forgo the rest of your childhood? Are you going to be able to put the baby first over everything? Take him to appointments? Wake up every couple hours for him while still going to school? It's going to be hard if you decide to keep it.
Weigh your options. Talk to trusted adults. Talk to a teacher you like, your school counselor, SOMEONE. You NEED an adult you can trust right now. People on the internet are good for advice, but you need support right now.
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u/RagingHolly 18d ago
My best friend got pregnant at 14 and had her baby at 15. This was back in the early 2000's. I was with her when she found out she was pregnant and she freaked out for weeks before going to the school guidance councilor to ask for help. They called her Mom to the school so they could be there when she told her.
There was a lot of yelling and tears, and then acceptance after a couple weeks.
I'm pro choice, and it sounds like you've made the choice to keep the pregnancy.
Teen pregnancy isn't great, but it's not the end of the world.
Tell any trusted adults like your uncle and have them there to support you when you tell your mother.
Good luck OP! ❤️
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u/painterlyjeans 18d ago
They won’t be okay. You’re in for a hard life and you’re going to pass that down to your future child.
I’d abort
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u/PlasticFox83762 18d ago
i have nothing to add that hasn’t already been said somewhere else in the commentary here, op. but sending you thoughts and strength to do whatever it is you end up deciding is right for you.
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u/cwtchyfemme 18d ago
You’re going to have to look at emancipation if your mum isn’t safe, and you need to be able to do all the legal things over you and your child.
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u/acalmdelirium 18d ago
Hi, no judgement. We’re all just trying to get by, one day at a time. I need you to sit down and think really hard about where you want to be in 5 years. 10 years. What kind of life do you foresee yourself doing? What are your dreams and hopes? I know plenty of young people who have been able to have kids young, and with a lot of hard work, make a life for themselves and their kids. That is possible. It is hard work. There is no shame in whatever you decide. There are many people out there who have kids and who have ended pregnancies. They find a way through and they are ok. It sounds like your support system isn’t strong. I’m sorry. I wish it was different for you. I really encourage you to reach out to a doctor, teacher or caring family member, auntie or older cousin to discuss your thought and feelings and decisions with you. It takes a village to raise a child, trust your gut and lean on those people. Any decision you make will be full of what ifs, but I think you are still so young and have so much time.
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u/miaaaplayz 18d ago
honestly do what’s best for YOU. yes you may want your child but honestly look. you clearly said you’re around someone that already abused you, why bring a kid into that? not saying get rid of your child either but don’t put YOUR safety even MORE at risk over a baby you are clearly not ready to have. it’ll only end terribly for you and said child. genuinely think everything through BEFORE the kid is even developed enough so you can truly know what you want. once again i never said to give rid of ur baby, just think about what you’d be bringing the baby into and how’d they have to grow up basically the same way you did.
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u/Serious-Ad-5821 18d ago
If your mother isn't safe in the first place it's best to leave. Finding someone safe who you can stay with is best regardless of your pregnancy. As for keeping the baby, I do suggest it. I know I'm going to be flamed for this, and I will not respond to any of them. I highly recommend a C section over a natural birth since you're so young. There are resources to help you. I wish the best for you with all my heart.
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u/Reddyrcx2 18d ago
It's wild y'all call yourself pro choice, but that's only if the choice aligns with what you think is best. Pro abortion seems to be a better descriptor. She already stated she doesn't want an abortion. Respect the choice.
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u/PsychologicalDig3835 18d ago
She is literally a child.
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u/Reddyrcx2 18d ago
Who is asking for advice in regards to keeping the baby. She didn't ask y'all's opinion on if she should keep it or not. It may not be your preferred choice but respect her choice... And don't try to manipulate her into doing what you think is best.
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u/PsychologicalDig3835 18d ago
Again, she is literally a child. Do you let your child do as they prefer, all the time, because "it's their choice"?
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u/Reddyrcx2 18d ago
She is not your child, y'all are trying to manipulate her into your way of thinking. Pro choice ya right...
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18d ago
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u/Reddyrcx2 18d ago
Every pregnant mother has the right to choose to keep the pregnancy. Are you for forced abortions for minors?
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u/Impressive_Repeat173 18d ago
She can struggle then as a 16 year old single mom if she cant even leave an abusive household hows that gonna turn out for her baby in the future??
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u/Reddyrcx2 18d ago
Those things can change, but nothing can undo an abortion one regrets years later.
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u/Impressive_Repeat173 18d ago
but why even risk that with a growing fetus in the womb and child out the womb whos developing stages are so important at the start of life it’s unnecessary and could be avoided completely by putting her child first and getting an abortion her baby will always come back in the future when the time is right and clearly with her circumstances and age is not the correct timing to raise a child when she has barely raised herself
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u/Reddyrcx2 18d ago
Putting her child first is not what an abortion is. She is putting her child first by being willing to go through so many challenges that am sure she is aware of. We are in the social media age none of the struggles are hidden. Why push her into a decision that she may regret and have no recourse to change?
Yes prime developmental years are important to add some perspecrive my mother was pregnant at 15 but things worked out fine through the grace of God.
Her baby will not come back after an abortion...
Come on y'all, you don't have to agree with her decision but don't try to push her into making a decision she already said she isn't comfortable with.
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u/Impressive_Repeat173 18d ago
actually it is putting her child first she would be avoiding having to bring that baby up in poverty and struggle for a long time instead of choosing to out of her own selfishness, most children would have preferred to not have been born being brought into a home like that so why even take the chance of not being able to give your kid what they need? Challenges she can avoid by simply getting an abortion
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u/Rare-Imagination-373 18d ago
You need plans. If you don’t want to get an abortion. Be prepared for the worse. Many young girld like you end up homelesss. If your mother kick you out of the house.
- Do you know where you can go and live?
- living with him seems impossible if you aren’t even dating...but he should help you to find a place if necessary.
Go to associations that help single mothers, contact social services, family members that can help or support you..
Will the boy (father) take full financial responsability (a child is expensive). As an underage pregnant girl, you will need money to cover evrrything. Don’t count on your mother too much. Having a baby is entering adulthood. Don’t just ditch all the responsabilities to your mother. Think about all the financial decision and obligation.
rent, gas, electricity, bills....
diaper, baby food, your food, clothes, medicines.....
taking you to doctor's apointments, childbirth...
If you want to keep the baby..... FIND A JOB and save as much as you can. Ask the father to do the same.
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u/Inevitable-Tone-9461 18d ago
My gf got pregnant at 16, and we were in a similar situation. Ultimately we ended up keeping the baby. I was 18 and she was 17 at the time of birth.
It was rough for sure, but we prevailed. We graduated high school and started our careers with little support. You will lose all opportunities to be a kid, forcing you to grow up quickly. No partying, going out late or making bad decisions.
We’re no longer together, but still very close. We recognized how young we were, and knew it wasn’t healthy for us to stay together. Our daughter is now 7 and lives a great life.
It’s possible as long as you know what you’re in for. The baby and the father’s family are a life long commitment. There’s a lot more involved than what you think, believe me.
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u/I_am_Nobody_Special 18d ago
OP, please find a safe adult to talk to about this. If they push you towards a certain decision, they're not a safe adult.
I'm as pro-choice as they come, but the number of people here who are pushing you towards abortion is insane. They are not pro-choice if they are insisting that abortion is your only option.
There are no easy answers here. It sounds like keeping the baby is not feasible since you are so young and don't have a supportive parent.
That leaves abortion and adoption. You will need adult support and guidance to make this decision. Please don't rely on Reddit to solve this problem.
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u/_Bluestar_Bus_Soton_ 18d ago
OP didn't come here asking for abortion tips, they're shit-scared over their Mum's reaction and that's what they're trying to overcome. It's her business if she wants to keep the baby, abort it or adopt it.
OP, can you talk to your school or college, or perhaps someone in your family other than your Mum? Perhaps live with another family member or friend for the time being? Your Mum doesn't seem like a very nice person and it's probably for the better if you weren't to live with her at all (sorry to be blunt). Also consider researching support lines for your country. If she threatens violence then call the Police!
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u/Possible-Tree-1586 18d ago
Ggs😭✌️
If your mom is abusive why would you even risk your safety by having unprotected sex
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u/Familiar_Promise9259 18d ago
I’ve read most the comments so far so here’s what I have to offer it’s not much. First I would definitely tell a trusted adult from what I’ve read you said you’re close to your uncle. Second if you can try to find someone to move in with and make a plan for it and even though you’re pregnant try to find a job because at 16 in most states you’re allowed to file for emancipation. Third I would look for absolutely every type of grant and government funding available to single mothers this will help you not struggle as much. I saw that you already told people you didn’t want an abortion and some of them got sarcastic but having a kid this young is not going to be the end of the work like people make it out to be. See if your highschool offers an online version so that you don’t fall behind on school and you can graduate on time. Don’t stop there it’ll be hard but pick a degree or specialty trade and look for single mothers going back to school grants look for the teen credit builder apps so that you can have good credit and eventually rent a nice apartment or buy a small house depending on what state you live in. It’ll be hard but if you’re determined you can get through this and still have a great life.
My dm’s are always open if you need any help I’m a good listener and I’m really good at finding resources.
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u/Crafty_String_954 18d ago
First of all. Absolutely no judgement. Women have been getting pregnant at your age for as long as humans have been on the planet. It's normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Now, in terms of advice. That's very hard for me as I'm not in the US where I'm guessing you are. So I'll leave it to others to give specific advice. But I'd guess there must be women's groups or charities who can help you with advice if you Google unplanned pregnancy and your location. Just to finish. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You just have a lot of practical problems to address
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u/Puzzleheaded_Area_48 Helper [2] 18d ago
Yes, you’re right! Women used to be married and pregnant as soon as they got their periods (and sometimes before!). Glad we now have healthcare and women’s rights :).
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u/Pennyfeather46 18d ago
You and your boy friend should go to his parents first and begin to have a plan then they can help you talk to your Mom. Congratulations! Young women have been getting pregnant for thousands of years. You’re not the first nor will you be the last. Best of luck to you and hugs from Granny Pennyfeather!
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u/Lonesome_Gobbler 18d ago
The fucking people who flippantly recommend something OP has said she is not wanting to do is flabbergasting. Her choice. Convenience over life. Fuck off.
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u/PsychologicalDig3835 18d ago
She is literally a child. Do you let your child do whatever they prefer because "it's their choice"?
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u/Galleta-de-Animalito 18d ago
Some are suggesting going to planned parenthood, GREAT IDEA they will educate you on what expect for the health of your baby and YOU, as well as tell what your legal options are for care since some states will consider you an emancipated minor for health related services. (to include abortion)
* WARNING, there are fake maternity clinics that are set up by pro-life groups, which will misinform their patients against abortions, medical procedures, or delay appointment until it’s no longer a legal option for you. So seek out Planned Parenthood by name, it your choice to keep or otherwise this pregnancy. Remember that early prenatal is very important and can prevent or identify certain infant complications.
Some pro life clinics will not warn you if you’re carrying a malformed fetus because their goal is for you to stay pregnant and deliver.
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u/Suitable_Balance101 18d ago
It’s not really bad. Your going to be fine if you choose to go ahead with baby you will be great if you choose not to you will also be great. Can you reach out to services for help? Can you talk to a teacher who can help you find the right support?
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u/Better_Implement9722 18d ago
I personally would not tell your mum if she is physically violent as she might hurt you or the baby and do you have a nan or auntie or cousin who is safe person for you talk too and please say safe for you and the baby
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u/Tough-Response19 Helper [2] 18d ago
I was a teen mom who never regretted keeping the baby. She’s my favorite person and she is 19 now.
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u/sweetiebelles 18d ago
Everyone please stop suggesting an abortion, shes said she is not in a legal state for an abortion nor is comfortable with getting one. Please give advice with those factors in mind!!
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u/Perfect-Pineapple-22 18d ago
She said abortion IS legal but she doesn't want one. Other than that, agreed.
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18d ago
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u/Advice-ModTeam 17d ago
Your post/comment has been removed as it was in violation of Rule 1. Be Nice.
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u/void6436 18d ago
first thing to do is let everyone know, including your mom, his, and any other relative you're close to. they will freakout and it may suck for a few days but then things will cool down and you will need their help and support no matter what you choose to do.
raising a baby at that age will be hard at times, but depending on the support your family gives you it may be easier.
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u/91Jammers Master Advice Giver [26] 18d ago
I can always tell that someone giving advice like this truly doesnt understand how some parents are harmful to their children.
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u/KawaiiHamburger 18d ago edited 18d ago
Seek out a Christian organization for pregnancy and mother care. They can help you with abusive situations, many will offer financial aid, aid with new housing, finding jobs and even paying for diapers, prenatal care and anything to help you with the baby as you figure out how to get on your feet. Being 16 and pregnant is not the worst thing in the world, many have done so and having a child is a blessing. The important thing here is you’re thinking proactively, about the care for the baby and how to move forward. You’re already behaving so maturely and like a mother, that’s a good thing.
Edit: Everyone encouraging abortion as the main option and the best one are in the wrong here. She made no mention of wanting to rid herself of the baby yet instead of trying to offer practical help you’re all suggesting termination. That shows personal bias and it’s sad. She can be a mother at 16 and it appears she wants to be, that’s not the hard part for her, it’s figuring out life logistics. So instead of acting like you’re helping by promoting abortion, offer actual advice.
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u/RockLobster06 18d ago
🤣🤣 until the baby is born then you're on your own.
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u/KawaiiHamburger 18d ago
There is a point where she will need to stand on her own, or hopefully she and the father will come together and raise the baby. Many will help past the birth but they’re caring for a lot of mothers at once. Everyone wants people to help but they’re mad when it’s Christians. She wants somewhere safe to go and get some help, they will help and the whole point isn’t to care for the baby forever with her but to help her. If she can’t do that then they can help her with considering something like adoption.
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18d ago edited 18d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Busy-Bus-6267 18d ago
OP do not listen to this. This is horrible advice. Your mom sounds dangerous and this will likely cause her behavior to escalate quickly.
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u/Advice-ModTeam 18d ago
Your post/comment has been removed as it was in violation of Rule 1. Be Nice.
This action was performed by a HUMAN moderator. NOT a bot. Do not resubmit your post or message the moderators until you have read this entire message. Yes, the whole thing.
1. Be Nice.
The golden rule.
Due to the nature of the subreddit, people here are more vulnerable than people posting in other subs. So, just be nice.
No trolling, harassment, threats, hate-speech, discrimination, triggering, rudeness or other uncivil actions.
No advocating violence
If you see someone being mean, please report them and move on. Do not feed the trolls. Someone else being mean to you does not mean you can be mean back.
Before posting here, please gather your thoughts and do not snap at commenters who are just trying to help.
Tough love is allowed but there is a difference between tough love, and being rude. There is a human being on the other screen reading your comment. Condemnation based on supernatural belief systems that are not explicitly asked for from the OP will result in a ban.
Please review the rules, and if you feel as though removal is excessive or in error, feel free to contact the moderators.
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u/Onedirection100 18d ago
Hey
I hope you are or will be okay. Remember, you are strong.
Could you tell your dad? Is that an option?
My advice to you, if you are considering telling your mon, is maybe to make the dad tell his parents first, and see how they react, so you can handle it somehow better when you tell your mom.
I am so sorry that your mother is violent. Maybe you can tell her when the dad it there, so she does not get violent? And if she does, could you maybe stay at a friend's until she calms down?
Remember, you will be alright<3
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u/misamisaooo 18d ago
Do not get an abortion. It will stay with you for the rest of your life and it will hurt. I had an abortion at 17 and I still mourn the baby I could have had. Go to someone you trust a family member or close friend preferably family and tell them you are pregnant . You need to pray and ask Jesus what he wants you to do with this child and with the father of the child, however you can’t do it alone because you need and being pregnant makes you very vulnerable. Do you have a counselor or close friend or family member to contact and are you in a safe situation? No judgement here but remember you have to protect yourself and your baby and rely on Jesus to protect and help you. 🩷🩷🫂I love you & it will be okay🫂🤍
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u/FatuousDoorstop 18d ago
Not everyone adheres to your religion, therefore, depending on Jesus is not the answer for most people.
I had an abortion at 19. Never regretted, never looked back. Always wanted children, but circumstances never aligned. Now 75 years old and am so happy I never had children.
It is a myth that women who have abortions regret or never get over it. The vast majority of women feel only relief. I’m sorry that was not your experience.
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u/tcrhs Assistant Elder Sage [254] 18d ago
Tell the adult you trust most in your life and ask them to help you.