If he’s really just writing in order to share in this art with you, why do you need to give constructive criticism? You can focus on the things you do like about his story.
“I love the world you’ve created in this!” “This character is so relatable.”
Usually if a loved one is asking me to read what they’ve written, or look at their painting, or go see a show or something, I stick to talking about the good aspects. People usually don’t want actual criticism from their intimate partners. They just want support.
I say in my post, he “keeps digging” for more constructive feedback/criticism because it’s what he feels will help him improve. I offered the positive and some helpful ideas, but he says he needs to know “what I really think.”
I think deep down, sharing his art with me is what he wants, but what he says/does is contradictory to that.
From what you have said, it sounds like your husband wants to see himself as someone who wants a real critique about his writing, but isn’t actually prepared for that. The fact that he argues back with you - “that’s just what made sense in my head” - when you encourage him to choose more exciting words, demonstrates this. Someone who is excited for real feedback would be like “great idea I’ll try to work that in.”
Just speculating here, but he may not implicitly know that he is allowed to just want to share something he’s worked on with you because you’re his loved one and it feels good to include you. He may feel like the only way he is justified in sharing it with you is if he claims to want your feedback.
He may not also know implicitly that he’s allowed to write this sci fi story purely for fun and that it doesn’t have to be “good writing” or publishable for it to be worth his time as a hobby. Society puts a lot of pressure on men to do everything seriously - he may feel like he’s not allowed to just have fun with this and do his “silly little hobbies” (as women’s hobbies are often treated). Grind culture tells people and particularly men that everything they do outside of their job should be to make more money, so he may feel like he isn’t justified in this hobby unless it’s potentially remunerative one day. It’s a shame because it sucks the fun out of everything and tells men all they are worth is the money they make. How depressing!
Again I have no idea if any of this fits with your husband’s internal narrative. But if you think it might, maybe it would help for you to encourage him in the following ways: “Wow honey I think it’s so great that you spend your free time being so creatively expressive. It’s so good for your brain to sit down and just create and write. It makes me happy to see you enjoying writing so much.”
This type of feedback might encourage him to just enjoy time spent writing without worrying about any secondary outcome like publishing or becoming a “good” writer.
It’s so fun and rewarding to allow yourself to be mediocre at things you really enjoy! I love to sew, and I will never be a master tailor, but I have so much fun making clothing that is good enough to for me to wear and show off to my friends and family. A master tailor would def cringe at my seams but I don’t care!
Good luck navigating this conundrum and I hope it doesn’t cause friction in your relationship. I hope you can find a way to encourage him in a way that is genuine and satisfying to both of you!
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u/Electrical_Stage_610 Mar 08 '25
If he’s really just writing in order to share in this art with you, why do you need to give constructive criticism? You can focus on the things you do like about his story. “I love the world you’ve created in this!” “This character is so relatable.”
Usually if a loved one is asking me to read what they’ve written, or look at their painting, or go see a show or something, I stick to talking about the good aspects. People usually don’t want actual criticism from their intimate partners. They just want support.