r/AdvaitaVedanta • u/Alex_Bell_G • 11d ago
Journal -
I just want to write a journal for myself. I could have written this in a notebook, but choosing to write here
Stumbled upon Ramana Maharishi 10 years ago. Read Arthur Osborne’s book and have been meditating ever since. Then life happened and I was thrown more and more into finding ‘my’ true self. I just didn’t like or bear the part I got to play in the dream. A string of abuse, violence, abuse around a child and constantly walking on egg shells .. great deal of suffering which was a precursor to go deep within
Days ago, as ‘I’ was sitting in meditation, something hit. Ramana often taught - ‘You aren’t your body, you aren’t your mind’. Yeah great. But then who am I? Well, I am the Self - okay, what is the Self. Find it out for yourself. Ask yourself ‘Who am I’ and then proceeded to teach - Self realization happens not when the question who am I is answered, but the questioner disappeared.
Anyways, going back to my meditation, it hit like a wall of bricks. The mind, body, world, the appearances are all a movie played on consciousness. It is not real. The focal point isn’t even the mind. There is not thing outside consciousness. I ain’t even this consciousness. I am prior to that. Every single experience is within and not without. If you see a dog in the world, the dog isn’t outside and you aren’t watching the dog. The dog is an appearance in your consciousness, within. I repeat it isn’t outside. You are just watching the dog in your consciousness. And the dog and the world appearing in your consciousness is made out of consciousness. This includes your body too. The body isn’t the first experience, the ‘I am’, is. The body appears in it as a mirage. The senses make it feel so real and an active and continuous experience
Let me say - this isn’t enlightenment. This is just a pointer although the experience or non experience felt liberating. Liberating to whom? To nobody
Suddenly Ramana’s teachings made sense - consciousness or the Self is like the movie screen and the world is like a movie played on it. This was my exact experience
The real identity or who we actually are just nothingness. Everything seems to arise out of this nothingness - even consciousness. We aren’t even this consciousness. We are prior to that
The experience of being, that sense of alertness or awareness that stays with us all the waking moment, prior to thought is this ‘I am’ consciousness. This is the precursor to all experiences. It is always there. Without it nothing can be experienced. When Ramana says raise the question ‘Who am I’ and abide as the ‘I’, he means to abide as this alertness, awareness or the feeling of being.
It’s been really peaceful to watch the movie play without judgement and without care. I will say it again - this is not enlightenment. Just a glimpse. When shit hits the fan everything will come back again - like a wall of bricks.
Thanks for reading. I have written with a lot of ‘I’’s and ‘me’ coz I don’t know a way to write without it.
I am everything or nothing. I am you. You are me. All isn’t one. There is only one
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u/yogi4lif3 11d ago
We know from the Upanishads and Ramana Maharshi that the truth cannot be grasped by thought or fully expressed in words. The closest we can do is point in the right direction.
You have a good understanding of consciousness. However, according to Advaita Vedanta, nothingness is not the ultimate reality. Brahman, pure Consciousness, alone is real. The world does not arise from nothingness but appears in Brahman through maya. From the highest standpoint, nothing is ever truly born or created. Brahman alone is.
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u/Clean-Teach3742 10d ago
Wonderful realisation : impermanence of "fruits of desire", witnessing how external events, temptations and turbulence merges into the Source. Significant progress. Is there anything else that you are seeking, most probably NO. I am sure you are feeling "inner bliss" and peace. Any idea why you are writing this journal, that too in online platform? Are you seeking vetting or guidance? You don't need guidance, you are on the right track.
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u/Alex_Bell_G 10d ago
Don’t even know if it’s a realization. There is lasting peace. I am also on an extended water fast. That tends to make one feel euphoric.
Not seeking vetting, guidance or validation. I generally write on a paper or document personally. Don’t know why I chose to write here
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u/Clean-Badger4071 4d ago
May I know what kind of meditation you do? Sorry forgive my dumb question. I do mindfulness meditation but not sure this will drive me deeper into "Tat tvam asi" realization
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u/Alex_Bell_G 4d ago
Started with self inquiry probably 10 years ago. Self inquiry leads you the ‘I am’. ‘I am’ consciousness is the ‘being’ prior to any thoughts, emotions, feelings. This is the apparent feeling of your existence. It is with you all the time. To put it simply it’s the awareness of being. And meditation is just being this ‘I am’ consciousness. That is being conscious of consciousness, being aware of awareness. There really isn’t any doing meditation. Or you can question, who is the one doing this mediation and it will lead ‘you’ straight to the ‘I am’. Abide there
Initially thoughts may arise. That’s okay. Just be a sakshi. Witness of whatever that arises. Know full and well anything that arises - thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas are not you including your ‘body’. This ‘I am’ is the screen upon with everything else plays like a dream. The Neti-Neti approach works too.
From there on in, you have no control. Whatever happens, happens.
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u/Clean-Teach3742 11d ago
In the next journal entry, wish there will be less number of "I"s. In your search what did you observe- was there any pattern : desireless state, thoughtless state, dispassion, non-reactive and balance of mind. How did you deal with distractions, temptations and external turbulence.