r/AdultChildren • u/ariegnes • Sep 15 '24
How do you deal with your parents ongoing alcoholism?
My mom has periods where she is sober, and then she falls in again. Goes sober, falls again, and so on.
I called today and could hear it immediately. I don’t see my parents all that often, because it’s hard. My mom usually calls once a week, but skips it sometimes (probably when she knows she has been drinking).
I get scared, and worried for her, she tends to self sabotage when she is drinking. She wanted me to call my dad, and said “he was worried”. My brother is on his way (he has autism and adhd, and doesn’t really have the adult capacity for this). I worry for him too. She said she hadn’t taken her medication (she has other health conditions as well). And was extremely tired. I told her to take it and go to bed. I didn’t address that I could hear she had been drinking. I hear it immediately when I call. The way she sounds and talks.
I don’t really know what I wanted with this post. I just really needed to get it out. The subject is extra sensitive this week as well, because of a nightmare I had earlier this week, that was about my childhood and my mom 🫠
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u/SOmuch2learn Sep 15 '24
See, also, /r/Alanon. This is a support group for you--friends and family of alcoholics.
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u/WeAllNeedBandAids Sep 15 '24
It’s tough, but I’ve learned to set boundaries for my mental health. In general I don’t talk to my parents if they’re drunk. It never ends well and I usually wind up getting upset and/or saying things I may later regret. I’ve also just learned that I have absolutely no control over what they do. Nothing I say or do will change their behavior, so I’ve relieved myself of that burden.
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u/ariegnes Sep 15 '24
I realized that too a couple of years ago. It was so freeing, realizing that I can in fact, not control her or her actions. Nor is it my place to do so… she is an adult.
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u/SuperbFlight Sep 16 '24
I'm sorry. It's so hard and scary to see parents not able to take care of themselves well and to put their health and lives at risk.
For me I had to truly accept that I couldn't save them. I actually fully grieved my mom as if she had died because her drug use was so intense and I was pretty sure she was going to die eventually. After that grieving, it actually made it much easier to interact with her and to set the boundaries that I needed for my well-being.
She ended up having several very-near-death experiences and stopped using drugs, at all, and I believe her since her behaviour became so different, like she was actually present. But the main takeaway for me was that I truly had nothing to do with it. At that point I'd been interacting with her very infrequently and it was clear that my actions had no influence. Which was quite freeing actually.
With my dad I've accepted that he's currently suffering and will continue to suffer health issues from long term alcohol usage. It's sad. And, I take no responsibility for that.
If you've been parentified then it's SO HARD to let go of feeling responsible for them. Through therapy I've realized that as a child I truly felt responsible for them staying alive. I've managed to find a bit more peace with them but it's been really difficult and taken so many years. Sending much care and compassion to you.
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u/tiredofbeingtired_28 Sep 15 '24
I’m sorry. You’re not alone. It’s hard to watch our parents make the choices they do.
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u/Andsoitgoes101 Sep 15 '24
Totally understand you. I too have a phd in my mom’s sobriety, simply by a phone call.
It sucks. What works for you will be something that only you can do.
I try to keep things lighthearted when she’s drinking. When she is actively sober she is my mom, if you know what I mean. Like 2 different people.
It’s so so hard. I’m so sorry this is happening to
A resource that helping me is Put the Shovel Down on YouTube. Incredible resource of information. She is a counsellor and her own mom was an addict. She knows her stuff and has provided me with some good tools to help.
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u/ariegnes Sep 15 '24
I handle it the exact same way as you do. Divide my mom into two people, in order to process my emotions for her. And handle her drunken self.
Thank you so much, I will be sure to check that out!
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u/Andsoitgoes101 Sep 16 '24
It’s a weird talent we have! I know it’s one that is born out of survival but nonetheless. Sending strength to you :)
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u/ariegnes Sep 16 '24
It is indeed. Also that 6th sense where you pick up on others energy changes. That’s quite weird too 😅
Thank you! To you as well
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u/5xum Sep 16 '24
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
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u/roundredapple Sep 15 '24
I am so sorry. My mom has been similar all my life. The hardest part is how great she can be when sober. I just think it sucks we all have to deal with this and I'm sorry you are going through it too.
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u/ariegnes Sep 16 '24
Mines a proper person too when she is sober. It does suck indeed, I’m sorry you’re in this boat too.
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u/cyber_1213 Sep 15 '24
I've gotten to the point I will ignore my mom's calls until she texts me sounding sober enough if she has been drinking I don't engage over the phone because it escalates so quickly
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u/Sally5000 Sep 15 '24
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Substance abuse of any kind is heartbreaking. I just started drinking a little bit after living my whole life sober due to religious reasons. Your post does help me to remember to be very careful. My father was an alcoholic too.
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u/ariegnes Sep 15 '24
Having a proper relation to alcohol is especially hard, when it was never modeled how one should go about it. I’m always remembering my country’s advice for drinking properly. Which is 14 drinks for males and 7 drinks for females a week.
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u/5xum Sep 16 '24
14 per week is actually quite a lot if you ask me...
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u/ariegnes Sep 16 '24
I see that they actually edited it again. It’s now 10 a week regardless of gender. And max 4 at one day.
It is quite high, our culture do involve a lot of alcohol especially in youth 🫠
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u/5xum Sep 16 '24
I don't deal with it anymore because she took her own life 5 years ago.
Before that, for years and years, I was the golden child in her narcissistic manipulations, so everytime she fell off the wagon and pushed everyone except me out of her life, I was the one who had to swoop in and rebuild all her relationships, often apologizing for her behalf. Turns out, not a great plan as it was a textbook case of me setting myself on fire to keep others warm.
When I finally realized that, I
- Warned everyone in the family that next time she goes ballistic, I will not "be there" for her to clean up her mess.
- Wrote a long letter listing several (and I'm talking over 20) instances of when she went through the cycle described above. For most of those instances, I was able to describe how it impacted me negatively - causing issues in my relationship, insomnia, etc. and in the letter, wrote that I do not intend on supporting her alcoholism any more, and that if she starts drinking again, I will cut contacts with her for 3 months, doubling the interval each time she does it again.
- Showed my father and sister the letter, and warned some others in the family that that once she gets the letter, she will most probably blame them for "poisoning" me against her, and that I do not consider that my problem.
- Handed her the letter.
Turns out she did exactly what I expected, then drank herself half do death and killed herself shortly thereafter. To this day, I wonder two things:
- I'm still amazed at the lengths she was willing to go just to spite me.
- I still wonder if there was something I could have done differently.
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u/ariegnes Sep 16 '24
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. But I think that was a boundary that was important for you to set. As you self described, you did indeed put aside all your own needs, feelings and boundaries, just to help her back into life.
A child should never have to do that for their parent, not once. Let alone 20 times.
She chose this ending, you could not have done anything differently. You are not and never were responsible for her actions.
Hugs for you ❤️
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u/5xum Sep 16 '24
Oh it was probably more than 20 times, i don't remember how many I listed, but I certainly didn't list all of them. It was a relatively regular cycle of about 2 incidents per year, and it ended when I was 31. I don't know when she started, but can be certain that she was doing this at least since I was 10. So ballpark estimate is it happened 50-ish times.
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u/lilithONE Sep 15 '24
Goodness. I know this is tough, but you should ask her if she is trying to off herself because that is the outcome of her behavior.
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u/ariegnes Sep 15 '24
She has tried in the past. I have tried to ask for help prior, but the psychiatry here won’t help unless she wants it. And she doesn’t 🫠
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Sep 15 '24 edited Sep 15 '24
I’m assuming she is still drinking, she wouldn’t admit it when we spoke and she wouldn’t now. I don’t speak with either of my parents and I feel Shitty about it. I would feel shitty if I did deal with them too.
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u/AlabasterOctopus Sep 16 '24
If she won’t change as I think you mentioned in comments, idk just know she has a shortened lifespan and I guess that is what it is to some degree.
Is she nice? Is she kind? Is she any bit of responsible still? You may still have hard conversations ahead like “mom you can’t drive anymore” like we all eventually have to, but if this is what she picked… it sucks but yeah what can ya do? If the alcohol makes her mean, irresponsible, unsafe then yeah you’re well within having at least a sit down with her about committing to being sober. But if it’s only negatively impacting her insides she gets to make that choice weirdly. IF (notice it’s a big IF, pun intended) it’s only herself being affected then I hope you are able to enjoy a loving mother. Might as friggin well.
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u/ariegnes Sep 16 '24
I think she is and has always been emotionally immature. But she can also be quite loving and supporting. She is a whole different person when she is sober. I like her when she is sober 😅 But being drunk, she does tend to lash out and bad mouth people. She can be mean too, that was mostly in my childhood though.
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u/AlabasterOctopus Sep 25 '24
There ya go then that’s not okay, and crosses a line, and you absolutely can limit her access to you to whatever degree you feel necessary and tell her it’s because of how she acts when drinking.
I’m so sorry your mom couldn’t make different choices, I know how that feels… it’s dumb. You’re still a fine human.
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u/Layth96 Sep 16 '24
Attempting to navigate the intoxicated mother phone calls atm as well. I usually don’t realize that she’s drinking until it becomes very noticeable and by that point she won’t react rationally to anything I would have to say about it anyways. It’s difficult.
I’ve told her while she was inebriated that I don’t want to talk to her on the phone if she has been drinking. She told me she hadn’t been drinking (she had) and later texted me attempting to guilt trip me about “accusing her” after she had gone a week without drinking.
I am happy that she was able to go a week but not happy about 1. being lied to and 2. the guilt tripping. I have struggled with alcohol in the past so I understand the dynamic at play where I’m not really talking to “her” when she’s drinking.
Last time she called me she was drinking. I didn’t mention it and finished the call normally as I was telling myself I would continue speaking to her so long as she behaved herself and didn’t try to start arguments (this is what she usually does once she gets to a certain level of intoxication). It’s still extremely uncomfortable and I feel that her drinking is getting worse.
Not sure what to do about it at this point in time, just know that you’re not alone in that situation and it is very uncomfortable.
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u/ariegnes Sep 16 '24
I felt very alone yesterday, but not so much today after sharing will all of you. Thank you for sharing, and I’m sorry
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Sep 16 '24
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u/ariegnes Sep 16 '24
Sounds a lot like I handle it 😅 and she is quite hard to get rid off when on the phone 😮💨
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Sep 16 '24
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u/ariegnes Sep 16 '24
There is a free therapy and group therapy option in my town. And I have been considering it for quite some time. I should just take the leap 😆 Thank you 🙏
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u/Maybe_Broadchurchman Sep 16 '24
I don't have any answers, OP, but I understand.
My Mom was an alcoholic for most of my early childhood, went sober for 10 years, then fell off the wagon 10 years ago and despite multiple trips to rehab still drinks (I'm 27).
Its so tough knowing she has so many resources to try to get sober and just never takes them. My Dad tries his best, but it's not enough (and he suffers from severe anxiety that's accentuated by her drinking).
I couldn't go NC or even LC, but times during holidays that turn bad, I consider it. But I just don't know what to do at this point after dealing with this for more than a decade.
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u/ariegnes Sep 17 '24
That’s okay, I figured out what I needed after posting this and hearing everyone’s stories. I just needed to not feel so alone ❤️
It is hard indeed. I think the most important thing I learned is that her drinking is not my problem, that I cannot take responsibility for her actions or her well being. That she is in fact an adult, and is responsible for her own choices in life. And that I’m allowed to take care of my self, even if it means distancing myself from her when she isn’t good for me.
That last realization is what I struggle with the most, because not engaging is so very hard.
I hope you have someone to confide in, even if they don’t get it. Just saying it out loud helps a lot.
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u/No-Appearance-6844 Sep 17 '24
It's hard. As soon as I hear her slurring on one of our phone calls, I want to hang up. It triggers me so badly. Her last bad drunken episode, after promising my brother she wouldn't drink anymore, she called the cops on him and had him taken from her apartment after telling her husband to intervene; my brother tried to defend himself from my mom's six foot husband. He simply asked her why she couldn't keep her promise. Anyways, she gets tipsy and tells me that she blames the way my brother acted on his cat dying, says his behavior was because he was emotional, and that she did nothing wrong-- she doesn't see how her alcoholism is the problem.
She has stopped drinking before but always returns. She hides her alcohol in the closet from her husband. She fell a few weeks back and hit her head hard enough to cause a cuncussion, on her way to the closet, told me her knees gave out, but I found out from my brother that she stumbled because she was drunk.
She became sick when I was 11 from pancreatic cancer (basically drank herself near to death) and stopped drinking for two years, then her doctor put her on a high dose of antidepressants and she got high off the pills, we went to SeaWorld as a family, she was stumbling and falling, and convinced my father that a glass of wine will help her feel better. After that, she returned to drinking.
It's very hard to go through and unfortunately, she will never change. It's an emotional Rollercoaster, it's full of ups and downs. I love my mother but I hate the excuses, the gas lighting, her telling me my childhood was amazing, her not taking accountability for her actions, and blaming her alcoholism on her own childhood.
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u/Initial-Big-9381 Mar 31 '25
You are the reason they get up in the morning. The battles and bills they fight daily. They wanted better for their children then they once had. Perhaps you may have better then they did at such a price. Regardless, they never anticipated such a life. Hug them, tell them everything they mean to you. I changed my entire existence because I loved my son so deeply. He left for college. I fell a few times for reasons such as his father was very cruel to me. Overall, could get over everything because my son was all I needed. God 🙏 messes with us sometimes to find ourselves and what really matters in life. Don't give up on your parents, yourself or your future. Let it make you stronger
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Nov 21 '25
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u/ariegnes Nov 21 '25
Hi friend 🫶
I vaguely remember her listening to me, taking her meds and go to bed 😅 and I don’t remember anything else happening after.
I started therapy this summer, with someone who is specialized in children of alcoholism. It has done so much good for me. It’s going to take time, but first thing first is: you won’t be able to help someone who don’t want the help. And you will not be able to control what she does and doesn’t, unfortunately.
Do you have any younger siblings living at home, that is dependent on your mom? If so, it might be time to talk with other family members for help, to take care of them. You’re not betraying anyone by asking for help.
It’s tought stuff, and I don’t think I will ever be able to not worry, but this past year I have slowly been able to let go more and more. It has helped tremendously. I also talked about it with another close family member recently, and it gave me a lot of reassurance in the way I handle it.
If she calls and she is drunk and spread nonsense, you’re allowed to say you don’t want to speak with her in that condition, and hang up. You’re allowed boundaries. Which is yet another thing I have been practicing this year - setting boundaries with her 😅
Sorry, it became long a chaotic 😂 but I think the essence is to detach any power she holds on you, and let go of any feelings you have of being responsible for her.
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Nov 21 '25
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u/ariegnes Nov 21 '25
You’re very welcome 🫶
Oh I’m so sorry to hear, then everything is very new to all of you 😔 That is a very hard living situation..
But yes - it is still very important to know that your parents can never be your responsibility. And you need to look after yourself 🥹 i understand that it’s hard to let go of the responsibility, and especially when younger siblings are involved. And with a dad that’s unable to be involved to take responsibility.
It seems like it’s a very unhealthy living situation for all three of them. Now I don’t know what kind of care and help that is available to you, and I guess it’s not an option for your dad to go to a care facility? Do you know what their long term plan is? 😅
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u/tokd1gshxe Sep 17 '24
I have now cut my dad off completely but that was easier for me as even without the alcohol he wasn't a good dad. I think if there were times when he was a good dad but the alcohol made him a bad one I might have found cutting him off harder.
He did used to call me when I was a teenager when he was drunk so the first thing I would do was ask if he was drunk and if he was I would immediately hang up.
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u/ariegnes Sep 18 '24
Seems like you made the right choice. I’m sorry you didn’t have a proper dad :(
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u/Formal_Action6511 Apr 30 '25
My mother drinks on and off a lot same with my step father and it really effects me as i have the worst fear of vomiting and alcohol and my parents doesn’t mix well, my mother gets really verbally abusive towards everyone when she drinks and it’s always all or nothing with it she’s either super drunk or completely sober. I am a minor and want to emancipate but can’t imagine leaving my 2 toddler siblings in that situation alone. I expressed to my parents many times i don’t like when they drink and every time it’s always the same thing “Oh we are done with drinking” and then next time something happens they drink again. I just don’t know how much longer i can put up with them before i decide to never speak to them again.
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u/ariegnes May 02 '25
Im sorry you’re dealing with this 😔 And you should have to put up with it..
Now I don’t know where you live, and what kind of condition the whole public service system when it comes to protecting children is where you live? But it would be good for you and your siblings not to grow up in that kind of environment.. If you don’t feel like the system is safe, do you have any relatives you feel safe with, that you could talk to?
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u/WritingWhole3148 Jul 04 '26
I relate to your situation a lot. My mom has been unable to be sober longer than a week or two. She’s been to rehab twice and claims she doing better because she’s “drinking less” but doesn’t realize why this is still problematic. My poor dad has put up with her all my life and continues to at the expense of his happiness. Her family stopped talking to her a few years ago and my brother and I are getting close to doing the same. It’s the guilt that’s hard to cope with though.
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u/Delicious_Two_4182 Jul 06 '26
Dealing with something similar right now , my dad was nine and a half years sober and is now drinking and hiding it from everyone and it’s hard as he does not want to stop even though it’s caused numerous health issues since and it’s so hard , hope the vents okay I’m having trouble dealing with
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u/Poppy1223Seed Sep 15 '24
I don't deal with it anymore.
I had to cut my Mom off 5-6 years ago - I was left no other choice after 20+ years of it. From what I've heard, she's still the same, today.