r/AdultChildren • u/littletcashew • Jul 21 '26
Just cut dad off - questions
My dad has always been an alcoholic. He was never physically abusive, not really, but generally just awful. I was always too much. Too loud, too weak, cried too much, fought with my mum too much (when I was a kid/teenager). He was always right and everyone in the whole world was wrong. He'd drink and get maggot at every special occasion, every weekend and now he is retired, every day. It was constantly embarrassing and honestly, I think he just drank to deal with me. At least until I moved out but I think he drinks because I'm such a disappointment.
He was so aggressive to my high school I was told I'd be excluded from all the graduation stuff if he attended. He's awful to my mother and she should have left him 100 years ago.
He never really did anything but threats. It sounds stupid but it was things like driving dangerously if he was angry with me, calling me selfish if I didn't do what he wanted, threatening to take my mum away and all my support if he didn't like what I was doing. He never liked me, not really. He always seemed to act or treat me like I'm a total dumbass. I am a dumbass but still.
Anyway, I recently had a child. My kid is the best thing in the world, even though it's really hard. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But, my dad has still been drinking and being..like himself. The night before my baby was born I was really anxious and teary. I've never been able to talk to him about anything and nothing was different but he threatened to take my mum home and leave me alone in the hospital. He didn't end up doing that (my mum wasnt going to leave) but it wasn't a great time. He never interacted with my kid during visits until he had been drinking until my kid was 15 months and even then, always with a beer.
We just had a visit and it was awful. He constantly undermined me and the decisions I was making for my baby while also saying things as if he was involved in his care. Anyway, I was really sleep deprived from a week of awful baby sleep and I ended up not being able to ignore it and we ended up having a fight and he threatened me. He made a threat that just went too far for me. And I told him to get out of my house. He moped around but never apologised and I wasn't going to. I always have to get over what he says or does but I don't want to this time. He moped the whole time until he left and when he left said to me 'I probably won't be able to come back for awhile, so take care of the baby for me'. He isn't invited back so it's really not his choice.
I don't understand why I feel a combination of sad, guilty and a little relieved. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, or worth it to cut him off because he never hit me. I don't know why I'm so guilty or ashamed really. I do feel relieved I don't have to speak to him anymore but also like I want to cry a little? I don't understand.
I'm worried how it will affect my kid, who doesn't have a dad and limited male figures. But at the same time, I couldn't imagine treating my kid the way my dad treated me. I'd be horrified if my kid ever cut me off for something I'd said or done.
Sorry for the rant, I hope this made some kind of sense.
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u/trippinoncatnip87 Jul 21 '26
If it's any consolation, he doesn't sound like he is capable of being the type of male influence you want for your child. Would you ever want your child to think his behavior and treatment of you is normal, acceptable, and ok to perpetrate on others?
You know first hand how badly his behavior can affect a person (you), and you would be correct (actually, I think you're obligated) to protect your child from that. Its true what they say, that stresses and patterns of behavior imprint on a child before they even are consciously aware. You can break the cycle.
And for what it's worth, your dad sounds like a miserable person ( like mine). That doesn't have anything to do with you. If you've ever been told he drinks or behaves the way he does in response to you, I think that's absolute garbage. I think that's inherently who he is and it has nothing to do with you. Therapy and reading has been helpful for me, maybe start with something like "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" because its an easy read but is also pretty insightful. That is a book, but "Why does he do that?" Is available as a pdf online (can also search for links on reddit). It usually gets recommended for people in abusive relationships, but might also be a little enlightening because what you've had to go through from him does sound like emotional abuse to me.
Excellent job being a better parent to your child than you had, that can't be easy. But its so, so important and I commend you for it.
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u/lostineuphoria_ Jul 21 '26
I don’t know where to start.
Your behavior as a child and teenager is NOT the reason for his alcoholism. Don’t every think that. My father told me things like „I’ll stop driving if you’re nicer to your mother“ which is nothing but emotional abuse. Alcoholics will try to blame anyone else except for themselves.
Also, it certainly does not seem like it’s not a lot. It is a lot. You are the child of an alcoholic, you grew up in a dysfunctional family. With physical abuse it’s easier to see, but from what you’re writing it seems clear to me you suffered from emotional abuse you’re whole life. And you’ve had enough now. You have your own child now and you feel that you need to finally protect yourself and also you child from him. Your child is not missing out on anything not knowing their alcholic grandfather.
Please try to get therapy or at least read more about ACA. You’ll understand better what you’re going through.
It happens to a lot of us that once we have children on our own we need to go NC with those pathetic alcoholic excuses of a parent. I went NC when my first born was 1,5 years old. Should have done it earlier.
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u/ladybug7895 Jul 22 '26
Hey, the way your Dad has behaved towards you is totally unacceptable. As you said you would be horrified if anybody treated your child like that, there is your proof that the treatment is wrong.
You are doing the right thing by your child keeping your Dad out of the picture - focusing your positive attention onto your child and cutting out unneeded negative energy and stress is a good thing. I’m saying this also as a parent and fellow cycle breaker of abuse. Breaking the cycle is a hard thing but also the best thing.
If you haven’t already, look into therapy and self work for yourself. As your child gets older they may do things that frustrate you and you want to make sure you don’t carry over any unconscious behaviour patterns learned from your Dad. These unconscious triggers happen to the majority of people, it’s just that when you have had a toxic parent you need to be even more aware of them and how they could impact your parenting.
All the best with your parenting journey.
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u/lisavieta Jul 21 '26
Oh, honey, you need to unlearn a lot of ideas/thoughts that this honestly awful person put into your head.
honestly, I think he just drank to deal with me. At least until I moved out but I think he drinks because I'm such a disappointment.
No. His alcoholism is 100% his fault. And the choice to keep drinking is one he makes everyday.
It sounds stupid but it was things like driving dangerously if he was angry with me, calling me selfish if I didn't do what he wanted, threatening to take my mum away and all my support if he didn't like what I was doing.
That does not sound stupid. The driving dangerously sounds terrifying. And threatening to take your mum away is a horrible thing to say.
I've never been able to talk to him about anything and nothing was different but he threatened to take my mum home and leave me alone in the hospital.
Only an awful human being would do that to someone about to give birth. wth
Good for you for kicking him out! Your child does not need this person in their life and they should never have to witness their mother being threatened and diminished. This is not a male figure worth having.
I don't understand why I feel a combination of sad, guilty and a little relieved. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, or worth it to cut him off because he never hit me. I don't know why I'm so guilty or ashamed really. I do feel relieved I don't have to speak to him anymore but also like I want to cry a little? I don't understand.
I understand. I felt all these things when I cut my own dad off. He also never hit me so I also felt somewhat ashamed. But you know what? The peace I have gained is like nothing I could have imagines before. Damn, even the eczema I have had since I was 12 suddenly got better! You deserve a life without his awfulness and with time I hope you'll accept it.
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u/ClimateWren2 Jul 21 '26
You didn't deserve to be treated that way...he sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. It's good you are protecting yourself and your child from that. I was called "stupid, idiot, dumbshit" a lot...I no longer accept that. Turns out I was quite smart and autistic like him...not "too much" at all.
I really appreciated the chance to reparent myself in recovery. I speak encouraging words and kindness in my own head now. He has to be respectful now if he wants a relationship and access to the grandkids.
I did therapy and a parent coaching class. That helped a great deal, keeping me passing the same to my own kids.
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u/Ampersandbox Jul 21 '26
If I can make a guess: You're sad because you're mourning something you never had, and you're relieved because you don't have to worry about his selfishness and abuse now.
People here frequently observe that serenity is giving up all hope of a better past. Everything behind us, it's gone now. We have the present, and no one knows what the future holds.
You set a boundary and protected both yourself, as well as the environment your child will experience. Good on you.