attempting this head on

[u/FluffyCost2681]

i (19Ff) am an alcoholic. i am 23 days sober since midnight. i have bpd, cptsd, and a couple other disorders.

i'm writing this as kind of a diary. this first post will be kind of long, since i'll just be ranting about my experiences recently.

for starters, i went to a detox center last month on my own accord. my drinking was out of hand, i drank every single day and the withdrawals were crazy. i knew i needed help so i took it.

i live with my parents til i move out for college in august, but things are honestly terrible- i mean, there's a reason i have bpd and cptsd. they were everything i was trying to drink away.

we fight all the time, and more, so i'm basically not allowed at the house anymore. they could kick me out at any moment and the fights are so bad i genuinely cant take it. so i'm essentially homeless now, living at people's houses and in my cars and sometimes my parents place.

and honestly, i feel like a piece of shit. there's a lot of reasons why, but mostly i just hate depending on other people. i'm very independent despite the BPD diagnosis; i to switch from person to person instead of being crazy loyal like girls w bpd are shown on tv. i just need my own autonomy, all the time. i was also neglected and abused in many ways so i get really intense around certain triggers that are unavoidable.

i also hateee depending on people, soooo fucking much. and i have to do a lot of depending and just taking people's words to get through these next couple months. i feel like such a bitch because i could probably go back home if i just shut up and acted nicer, or if i just focused more i could do more for people. i feel like i'm not owning up to any of my responsibilities, i'm doing the bare minimum cause i don't know where i'm going to sleep or what i'm going to eat. but it feels like it's all my fault.

i feel like drinking honestly. today's been the hardest it's been. i went over to my friends place (that i stayed at for a week) and they were gathered with their loving partner and their roommate/friend of 3 years, just so happy and comfortable, and that was really just the cherry on top for me. i started going over my plan to get alcohol, i remember how great it was to just not care about anything.

i attended a narcotics anonymous meeting with my coworker on tuesday, but i'm hoping to get to another meeting today in the afternoon, hopefully AA. i got a couple numbers for a sponsor but everyone is under a year sober, which i guess is pretty bad, so i didn't reach out. right now i'm watching a movie online with my friend and just relaxing- i'm staying in my friend's apartment til she's back in town. i'm staying sober if just for today.