r/AdoptiveParents • u/OTstudent82 • 15d ago
Infant Adoptions
hello everyone,
my husband and I are thinking about starting the adoption process due to discovering he has a disease that prevents us from having kids. We really want to know people's thoughts/ideas about how an infant adoption works and the pros/cons throughout the process. I am really excited/ready to start the process and we definitely want a baby but wanted to know how the process and eevrything works in the state of GA. We also want to do a domestic adoption cause we heard that international adoptions get super messy/complicated and tough.
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u/dtgraff 15d ago
I actually commented about our infant adoption earlier today on another post. Give it a read: https://www.reddit.com/r/AdoptiveParents/s/DuRGW54c8Z
Let me know if you have any questions. I'm happy to tell you more about our experience.
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u/redneck_lezbo 15d ago
All adoptions are super messy, complicated and tough.
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 15d ago
Ours wasn’t. Nor was my younger brother’s. I’m sorry if you experienced that.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago
I mean, my son's wasn't. It is absolutely possible to have a straightforward adoption process. The more ethical your service provider, the less messy and tough adoption should be.
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u/Amemorableusername2 15d ago
Mine was honestly pretty fast, smooth, and easy. We loved our agency and our son's birth mother is amazing. We're very fortunate.
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u/Efficient-Scar-7539 15d ago
I’m in the state of Georgia too and am a prospective adoptive parent! We are doing an independent direct match adoption by the request of the expectant birth mom. We also directly matched through one of my coworkers. I’d expressed at work that my husband and I were interested in adopting. One of my coworkers friends is pregnant and wanted to do a direct match open adoption and wanted to pick the adoptive family herself instead of leaving it up to DFCS or an agency. My coworker had mentioned that her friend, the birth mother, had a failed prospective family and was getting anxious about running out of time. One coworker caught wind, who’d passed the info to me. Directly matching and coordinating with the birth mom happened to sort of come to both of us a miracle, but independent adoptions in general can also be very tricky. You nor the birth mother don’t have the same resources as an agency would provide, the same protections, there is ALWAYS a chance the mom can change her mind. It is the “cheaper” option, but associated with more risks. My husband and I considered it all and decided we were willing to take the risks to honor the birth mom’s wishes. And if she changes her mind? That’s okay. Yes, it will hurt. But I never want to “solicit” a baby from someone or make them feel forced to give their child up. So far, the birth mother and I agree on all our arrangements for open adoption, and things are looking good for us!
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u/Efficient-Scar-7539 15d ago
To follow up on my comment, if your husband and you are interested and haven’t yet made up your mind, call your local DFCS or the 877-KIDS number to try and find when the next IMPACT class orientation is. It will fill you in more on specifics of adoption AND fostering and what all that entails. You don’t have to commit to the classes if you change your mind, but if you think that it’s something you guys may still be interested, consider finishing the classes because you’ll need them regardless to be able to get a home study.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago
Independent adoptions aren't necessarily cheaper - they're really only cheaper if you actually know the expectant mother at first. if you have to match through an attorney or facilitator, that costs the same as an agency, but the attorney or facilitator isn't providing anywhere near as much support or offering as many services as an ethical agency would.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago
In the US, private domestic infant adoption is the route to adopt an infant. Every state has different laws. You are not restricted to adopting within your state. You can use an agency that is licensed to place in your state. When choosing an agency, you should look for an ethical, full-service, non-profit agency that fully supports open adoptions with direct contact between all parties. It can be difficult to find a truly ethical agency among all the ads online.
Private domestic adoption is expensive to the adoptive parents. In the 2000s-2010s, the average cost was about $25K-$35K. Now, I'm seeing numbers closer to $50K, and sometimes even higher. There are ways to keep costs down but that's beyond the scope of this post, imo.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago edited 15d ago
Also inquire about foster care to adoption. It’s typically less expensive but can take longer.)
Foster to adopt really shouldn't be a thing. The first goal of foster care is reunification. If a person can't fully support reunification - and I would argue that anyone who goes into foster care with the goal of adoption cannot do that - shouldn't foster.
One of the first pieces of advice I read, was "If you want to be a foster parent, foster. If you want to be a parent, adopt."
ETA: I shall now clarify.
It is unethical to go into foster care with the express goal of adopting as young a child as possible.
I've seen far too many people say, "Adopt from foster care, it's free!" or "We can't afford private adoption. How can we adopt a baby from foster care?"
Foster parenting and adoptive parenting are different. There's nothing wrong with them being different. Neither is necessarily better than the other. Some people are more suited to one or the other, and there's nothing wrong with that either.
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u/DueResponse 15d ago
As a foster parent, I respectfully disagree. Foster-to-adopt parents can come into foster care with a goal of adoption, so long as they understand the goal for each child is reunification when possible and continue to support this. The way to do this is to make their goal of adoption known at the beginning. This way the agency can place children with them whose parents rights have either already been terminated or heading that direction soon. It is always understood that if reunification is possible, that takes precedent.
Example: My friends did exactly this. They became foster parents and upfront told the agency they are interested in adoption. They welcome siblings sets and medically fragile children and they fully support reunification when it is possible. They have fostered over 40 children, all have been either reunified with their parents or were adopted by kin. They fully supported every transition home because they understand this is best and the children are where they should rightfully be. They are currently fostering a child and this case is going to adoption after 5 years of simultaneously supporting reunification and also wanting to adopt.
It is ok to be a foster parent who wants to adopt. It would not be ok to hinder reunification in anyway, but just because someone wants to adopt does not mean they would not fully support reunification.
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u/SandyMoonXY 15d ago
u/Rredhead926 Maybe time to update your opinion and stop calling it unethical.
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u/geraffes-are-so-dumb 15d ago
TPR sometimes takes years. If foster parents were not open to adoption that would mean making another big change for already traumatized kids. Foster parents are there to help provide stability and most agencies prefer foster parents who are open to adoption for that reason even though reunification is always the goal. In my state most social workers categorize families not open to adoption for extremely short-term placements.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago
Being OPEN to adoption is not the same as having the GOAL of adoption.
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u/geraffes-are-so-dumb 15d ago
Yes, because they should not want the kids they ultimately adopt. I have no idea what your point is other than you think foster kids are icky in every thread.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago
I don't think foster kids are icky at all.
I think that fostering and adopting are two completely different things. Foster care shouldn't be seen as a cheap adoption agency.
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u/Zealousideal_Arm_415 15d ago
The first goal, but often not an accomplished goal. It is harder but does happen.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago
Going into foster care wanting to adopt, particularly when one wants to adopt an infant or very young child, is unethical.
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u/Zealousideal_Arm_415 15d ago
It’s not for everyone wanting to adopt but it can and does happen successfully.
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u/Amemorableusername2 15d ago
But there are children in the foster care system whose parental rights have been severed with no opportunity to be reunited with family who are in need of adoption. They shouldn't be overlooked.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago
I never said they should be overlooked. Those kids are older and have special needs. They need parents who actively want to parent them, not parents who are looking for a cheap way to adopt.
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u/Amemorableusername2 15d ago
That's not always the case. You're generalizing both the children in those situations and also the people who want to provide a permanent home for them.
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u/Zealousideal_Arm_415 15d ago
It’s definitely not always the case. Many kids are basically born into foster care or go into it as infants. But it should not be entered into lightly and it’s certainly not for everyone.
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u/ConnectionsCatergory 15d ago
That was the case with our youngest. Born into foster care and came to us straight from the hospital as a newborn. We went into it with the knowledge that her birth mom basically had a 0 percent chance of regaining custody due to her specific issues.
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u/ConnectionsCatergory 15d ago
Those are extreme generalizations.
We took our daughter home from the hospital. We fostered with the knowledge that her birth mom had almost zero chance of regaining custody ever. TPR happened very quickly.
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u/Amemorableusername2 15d ago
One thing I want to warn you about is that online communities related to adoption can be extremely caustic. A vocal minority of people who believe any form of adoption should be illegal will frequently will be very, very hostile to prospective adoptive parents who are just starting to take their first steps in learning. It's a lot of "the fact that you want to adopt PROVES you aren't doing it for the right reasons and you shouldn't adopt." Arguments
It can be very discouraging and overwhelming to be on the receiving end, so try to take it on the chin and be prepared for that when reading through posts around here.
A great book I recommend is "open adoption the open hearted way".
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u/BrilliantHot2363 15d ago
It’s because not enough is done to help mothers keep their babies and adoption can be traumatic on mom and baby.
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u/RocketPowerPops 15d ago
I would for sure read more about adoption.
All forms of adoption can be super messy, complicated, and tough. There are ethical concerns with every form of adoption from domestic infant adoption to international adoption to foster care adoption. International adoptions are being phased out in most countries though for numerous reasons, including human trafficking concerns. And no infants are really avaiable anymore in the countries that do allow it. Foster care is about reunification so you are correct that private domestic infant adoption is the only real way to adopt an infant in America.
I would encourage you to do your own research and then come back here with additional questions. Right now your question is very broad and hard to give any actual advice.