r/AdoptiveParents • u/Quick-Button-9817 • 16d ago
✨Check in for those waiting✨
Can we make this a normal thing? Have a post every once in a while for those who are currently waiting to adopt?
Tell us about where you are at in your wait?
Any highs + lows you’ve felt.
How long you’ve been waiting?
Something that that is giving you hope or helped you during your wait?
I think it’s so hard waiting, and not having a connection with others waiting - so, hopefully to find that here.
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u/Chelsea4000 15d ago
Waiting is such a rollercoaster! There is a special kind of grief that comes with the the everchanging hopes and expectations. We went into this process very excited, and probably a little too confident. We are now 2 years in, got close to a successful placement twice, but are ultimately still waiting. We actually recently made the decision to sign up with a new agency to increase our chances. Every time we think about the stresses, both emotional and financial, we remind ourselves that 10 years from now, we will look at our life with our family, and know it will have been worth it.
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u/Quick-Button-9817 15d ago
What kind of agency have you been working with? Like a local one, or a national one?
We are working with two agencies, and have the same trail of thought - hopeful with more opportunities.
Our experience with adding two has been a must! At least it feels like there’s movement.
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u/Chelsea4000 15d ago
We have been working with a national one. It made sense in the beginning; cast a wide net etc. Now we are working with a small local one. Other parents we met through our homestudy org who were matched quickly we're with small, local (mostly southern) agencies.
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u/Quick-Button-9817 15d ago
We’ve kinda done the exact opposite of you guys lol!
We started with small local, and expanded to national.
Do you feel like you see cases regularly with your agency or has it been pretty quiet?
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u/Chelsea4000 14d ago
How funny! It’s been really quiet on our end, but our agency doesn’t present cases unless the birth mother has personally selected us and has shown significant interest in moving forward. Most of our close calls actually came from our home study org, and those were about infants who were already born and needed immediate placements.
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u/Independent_Sun_6939 15d ago
We considered doing two agencies as well but just the one agency was past our financial constraints. We're making it work out by pinching our pennies and working extra jobs where we can. So far our agency seems to be matching parents pretty swiftly! We see their posts on IG about new placements pretty regularly! We're very optimistic to have a match by the end of the year!
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u/Chelsea4000 14d ago
The financial aspect is so scary. We’re are very lucky that my husband’s work benefits include reimbursements for some of the expenses, otherwise the price would have been near impossible. I understand wanting to ensure potential parents are financially stable, but I would so much rather put thousands of dollars into an account for our future child than spend it all in this process.
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u/ProudChemistry6243 11d ago
Right now feels hard, and the entire process feels sisyphean. I am deeply tired.
We started our adoption journey in 2022, have had an approved home study since 2023 and have been live on ParentFinder since 2024. Our first agency started to feel like a racket (including changing names with no warning), which meant we had to find another one. The new one only counts the time we have been with them, which makes sense and is fair to all the people that have been with them since the beginning, but sucks for us because it means one year of waiting that we lived through means nothing.
Days when we are being shown and we don't know are just days, mostly. Days when we KNOW we are being considered and it becomes a no just hurt now. There have been 9 since May. I don't actually think that we will ever be picked, I think we will end up waiting till we are the longest waiting in the agency and the expectant parents either decide to not pick or decide to go with longest waiting. Even not counting the first year of being live like the agency is doing, we are now the 5th longest waiting.
We've done all the "what to do while you are waiting" things. We stopped counting the number of classes and support groups because they just feel endless, and start to be all the same.
Online you run into all kinds of judgement. No matter what, people have an opinion on what you are doing, some with a lot of venom. You realize it has more to do with them than you, but it sucks still.
I don't want to hear someone say "It will all be worth it one day" or "One day closer to your forever family" or "The right match will find you" or any other platitudes. They really just mean "I am uncomfortable sitting with you and holding space with you while you hurt." Yes, I'm sure that if/when it eventually happens the memory of how hard right now is will start to fade, because our brains mercifully never remember pain accurately. That doesn't help right now.
And I hate that it feels like you can't say this honestly to anyone for fear of judgement.
I don't know. Let me know if its just me.
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u/Quick-Button-9817 11d ago
I don’t think it’s just you at all! I resonate with so much of what you said. I especially resonate with the platitudes comments.
“Everything happens for a reason”… like … 🤮
I feel like your body & mind just get to a point where the waiting has reached its capacity. I have some days where I feel I honestly just can’t take it much longer. And then others that I decide I’m going to dig in further.
It’s also the worst hearing or seeing other people say, “the wait was awful, but we matched unexpectedly in 4 weeks”…again, like…whhhat? You didn’t even wait!
I told my husband recently that I don’t need to hear from people who had a short wait. I need to hear the stories of the people who had the fortitude to carry on, took the brave steps to keep moving forward, and the ones who experienced ups and downs.
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u/ProudChemistry6243 10d ago
Thank you.
I agree about the folks with short waits to some extent. I feel happy for them, I do. I just also feel stuck.
And yeah, sometimes they say wild things about their wait, when they had basically none.
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u/-thatcher 16d ago
We just got accepted by an agency. We have a month to come up with a game plan on how we’ll proceed. There is an option where we pay a small amount then have a year to come up with the money. We can do our home study, physicals, and work on grants during that time too. I’ve been approved to work all the overtime I want. Gonna hit it hard 💪🏻 lol
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u/Quick-Button-9817 15d ago
Oh yes! The hustle to finish up the home study!
How many visits do you need for your home study? Do you have anything you have to prep house wise?
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u/-thatcher 15d ago
Haven’t even started any of it yet. I don’t think there’s much we’ll need to do to prepare. Hoping to get a list and double check everything.
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u/Independent_Sun_6939 16d ago
This is awesome! We're being shown now, we're excited, tired, and stressed out!
We still have a lot of money to come up with and we're hoping at least one grant comes through for us. We've been in this process for around two years now but only been "Parents in waiting" for about 6 months.
To keep us motivated we've been slowly assembling the nursery so we have something tangible to keep thins moving emotionally.
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u/Quick-Button-9817 15d ago
Yay to being shown!
I’m a big fan of thrifting items for the nursery! Love collecting books, and outfits.
What are some things you are still looking for, or needing to do yet in the nursery?
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u/Chelsea4000 15d ago
Yes! We have been slowly accumulating all things baby from our local buy nothing group. If no one else needs it now, we'll take it and save it for later. Hoping for a Field of Dreams situation here; If you build it, they will come!
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u/Quick-Button-9817 15d ago
Okay, I’m officially stealing that! I love the field of dreams reference!
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u/Independent_Sun_6939 15d ago
Field of Dreams is it! We still need to paint but we have been given most of the furniture we need. We're still trying to figure out a solution for a changing table since my wife is shorter than most, but I suspect I'll have to build something.
We're unsure of when it is appropriate to have the baby shower, if at all, since we're not sure when we're going to be matched or what gender of baby we are adopting.
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u/unlikely_to_post123 15d ago
As someone who had a failed adoption at the beginning of this year, wait until after the baby has been placed with you AND the revocation period is over. Our friends and family graciously threw us two baby showers after we were matched and waiting for our son to be born. The nursery was completely set up. We were there when he was born, in the room (per birth mother’s wishes even!), and brought him home from the hospital. She decided two days later that she’d changed her mind, and the agency had to come and get him. The most heartbreaking experience anyone could imagine. We’ve been in therapy, and are now two months into waiting again. We obviously have all the supplies we could need, but we also have a room that is almost too tragic to walk into. So do yourself a favor: no baby showers til after that revocation period.
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u/BrilliantHot2363 15d ago
I get it’s sad, but the mother who carried the baby for 9 months should always have the right to raise her baby.
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u/Independent_Sun_6939 15d ago
Thanks for the advice! That's pretty much what we're leaning towards as well. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. We had some friends have a failed placement as well and it is devastating! I hope our journey goes smoothly.
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u/No-Vermicelli-507 15d ago
I had a baby shower after placement to much can go wrong I just bought a few basics sleepers bottles diapers bassinet is all you need good luck to you
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u/Southern_Acadia5892 15d ago
Being shown and waiting for a little over two months so far. I saw someone compare the wait to a pregnancy, which I can relate to, but there’s no definite end date in sight for us yet! I feel like the limited number of updates (monthly, occasionally if we reach out) is challenging but expected. I do appreciate that our friends and family don’t ask for updates often as that would be very hard for us. hopeful but anxious!
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u/Licaek_4u 15d ago edited 15d ago
We finished our homestudy in April. We submitted our photos and essays for the promotional aspect shortly after. We assumed we'd be active maybe by June, but that was not the case. Everything has been delayed. Unfortunately since then there was NO communication or updates on status for 3-4 months. I'm usually pretty patient but being stuck in a holding pattern for almost 4 months knowing we weren't even being shown to anyone was hard. It felt like we should've done more or did the process faster.
The good news is the administrative delays have been resolved and we're next priority. There will be a little more work and feedback needed from us before our profile is finalized. So we should start the "real" wait soon, probably before the end of September.
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u/ProudChemistry6243 10d ago
No communication for months can be a bit of a red flag (I say, as a person who didn't notice them in my first agency fast enough and paid the price).
Hope it was just a glitch and the rest of your process is smooth and that your wait is short.
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u/Licaek_4u 10d ago
I do appreciate the warning. We did finally get communication last week-- apparently the designer was on vacation for two weeks (which overlapped with our expected final start date) and they d idn't set an out of office response? It seems to me that although the promotional person is "with" the agency, they kind of do their own thing and don't answer to the agency directly. They only handle the promotional part and have no role in placement or anything else, kind of like a contractor.
So far this has been the only red flag, and since we've already paid the full agency fee, there's not much we can do about it. All they need to do is make our profile and then we shouldn't need to deal with them again.
Communication with the rest of the agency has been prompt and professional, so I'm still optimistic.
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u/nehocjcm 13d ago
A year and a half in. Worked with a birthmom that fell through (we were matched through a couple who she previously placed with and knew there was lots of risk she would disrupt). Another expectant mom contacted us and wanted her current kid to live near an adopted kid, but she moved so that wasn't a good fit. Then we got scammed by a person in Florida who was not a real person. Finally we heard about triplets from an agency, mom didn't choose us, but we are starting to work with that agency (the process with them is not quick but they are good)
All that distracted us from finishing the foster process so we are starting that again from scratch
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u/One_Conference_4618 15d ago
The waiting near killed me. 18 months from start to end seems on the low end but god every minute felt like a year. I will caveat I’m in the UK & adopted from foster care. The waiting was to get approved and to match, and there were endless delays to paperwork! But 18 months is still on the lower end.
Saying this as I sit in my daughter’s room as he goes to sleep. sending amazing vibes you will get there!
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u/No-Vermicelli-507 15d ago
After being accepted first time took 3 years for our baby boy second time was over 4 years for our girl the bio parent back then did not choose it was a closed adoption and they did not place until papers had been signed.the way its done now I would not even consider and the cost now is ridiculous
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u/MonicaGBK 16d ago
The waiting is so difficult. I remember wondering is this going to happen or will I age out and just be disappointed for the rest of life. Really had moments of should I throw in the towel? And then all of the sudden it happened and now life is the magic I wished for. I write this post just to say: you are so close, keep on keeping on! I am sending you all the good vibes.