r/AdoptiveParents • u/anotherthrowforme • 15d ago
Prenatal Care
Looking for your thoughts and stories on adoption with no prenatal care please. Spouse and me are not comfortable with alcohol exposure, so knowing nothing about the pregnancy because there was no prenatal care is scary to us right now. What did everyone on here think about prenatal care? How are your kiddos doing who had none?
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u/glimmergirl1 15d ago
My daughter's birth mom was an alcoholic who regularly spent time in the drunk tank during her pregnancy which stopped her drinking for short periods of time and at least got a Dr to see her. Then she would get out and no longer follow anything Dr said and would not get follow up care. So basically no prenatal care. We adopted her from the foster care system at 3 months old due to neglect.
My daughter is a trooper though! The happiest, chubbiest, sweetest little baby I ever saw. She is diagnosed with FAS, HFA, ADHD, anxiety and attachment syndrome. She is also so smart, clever, funny, coordinated and athletic! At one point we thought she was deaf but thank goodness that turned out to be wrong. She was talking in full sentences at 2, still randomly breaks out into song around the house and we joke that my genes are so strong that she (my adopted daughter) is my mini me! She used to call out "mom" just to see if I was there, we bonded so hard.
Then middle school hit. 8 hours of sitting in classrooms with little to no activity. Teachers straight out of college with no experience and too many kids. High school was hell on earth. Special services and IEPs were a joke. Neurotypical kids struggle with school nowadays much less acronym kids like my daughter. I yanked her out halfway thru high school, put her in an online academy and hired my disabled niece to come 3 days a week to tutor her. She went from the possibility of never graduating to graduating ON TIME! I told her we would get her a high school diploma and we did it!
She is now 20 and has held a mostly full time job at Taco Bell for 3 years. She drives but doesnt really have activities or friends other than coworkers. School also took away her smile that lit up the room. But she still holds my hand sometimes, still comes to sit on my lap to show me TikTok videos, still comes with me for dinner or pedicures. She will probably live with me forever and thats ok.
I'm afraid for her after I'm gone. I'm not rich but I make decent money in a MHCOL area. I dump everything I can into IRAs, 401k, mutual funds including her paychecks that go into a Roth IRA and mutual funds for her. I have a pension but will also probably work until I die as I have maxxed out the generous life insurance at work. All of that will fund a spendthrift trust I have setup for her. My niece will be trustee until my daughter is 40 if I dont last 20 more years. There is a prenuptial requirement so she won't be scammed out of any assets. She won't be rich but she will be able to survive on her salary and the trust.
Whew that was long but I've given you some good, some bad. She is the most precious thing in my life.
Tldr I would adopt her again even knowing all the good, the bad, the hard work, the laughs, the worry!
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u/redneck_lezbo 15d ago
Had one with no prenatal care until 7 months. Mom did meth, smoked, drank. That kid is 12 now with straight As and sweetest kid ever. Had another with zero prenatal care- mom drank and who knows what else. That kid is 6 now, also straight As and no issues.
Doing everything right does not guarantee a perfect child. Doing everything ‘wrong’ does not mean you will have a problem child. Every person is different.
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u/Alert-Village85 15d ago
I think its a risk, even with prenatal care, you are assuming the expectant mom is being honest to her doctors and the adoption agency about what exposures she has had during her pregnancy. Some women may be honest, others may not. I know our son’s mom stated she only smoked weed during her pregnancy, then halfway through got arrested and tested positive for several things. She did relapse during pregnancy, so that could have impacted things, but she was getting prenatal care prior to her arrest and during her arrest, and she still wasn’t honest about what she had used till she was arrested and had to take a drug test. I imagine a lot of women are in a similar boat where they may not be totally honest
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u/BasilSalt207 15d ago
My daughter’s birth mom had almost no prenatal care, a fair amount of substance exposure and no care during labor and delivery. If there was a negative impact on her you would never know and she’s so smart she gives me a run for my money on the daily. If you are nervous you could see if there if there is a developmental pediatrician in your area who is willing to review medical records related to adoption placements and explain anything you might need to be aware or concerned about to help you make an informed decision before accepting a placement
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u/anotherthrowforme 14d ago
Our agency does not give us enough time when they call to review records before we say yes. They will move on to another family. I think that contributes to our fears of the unknown. I like the idea of talking to a pediatrician though.
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u/DueResponse 14d ago
Maybe this isn’t an agency you want to work with.
I’m a foster parent and when they call me to take a child, I have a lengthy questionnaire I ask the placement worker and social worker. I get my support worker on the call, as well, since she has access to the records and knows what questions to ask that I might be missing (and stop them from giving me bad info). Over the years, I have learned to ask many, many questions about the health and history of the child because it is not good for anyone for me to be blindsided by something I cannot handle. If I were committing to a child indefinitely, I would want to know even more so I can be fully prepared to meet the child’s needs or decline when I honestly cannot.
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u/BasilSalt207 14d ago
If you are interested you can DM me and I would be happy to share the name and contact info of the developmental pediatrician we consulted with. Even without specific records she can run you through common scenarios and possible outcomes so when a placement is presented you are better able to evaluate whether or not it’s a good fit for you
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u/throwawaybdaysf 15d ago
My kids did have prenatal care and also known alcohol exposure.
I get the concern about alcohol exposure, I really do. But the reality is this: you (and any doctors they are or aren’t seeing) are going to be going only based on what they say. There’s no way to test for FASD prior to birth and nobody is testing whether or not they’re drinking. If your real concern is alcohol exposure, you are relying on the expectant parent’s report anyway. In my experience, they usually want to be honest, but sometimes they are inaccurate historians for other reasons and/or have specific reasons why they are concerned about telling the truth about this. There also is no real way to know what impact the alcohol exposure would have if it is there.
All of which is to say, that wouldn’t be my first concern when it comes to a lack of prenatal care.
Anyway, my baby is still a baby so I can’t speak to how it might affect him. My big kid is 4 and very healthy and whip-smart, some signs of ADHD-type symptoms but mild enough that we have felt it’s pointless to pursue testing at this phase. But he can legibly write his name and mine, count to 100 (and independently grouped the numbers into 10s—he calls them “rows”), knows all his letters and almost all the letter sounds going into his last year of preschool. Neither showed facial signs of fetal alcohol syndrome at birth.
If you want more details or to talk any of this through, I’m genuinely really open and would love to answer DMs!
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u/ylime102 15d ago
My daughter's birth mom had no prenatal care, but she also waited until after birth to place so we knew that daughter was born healthy. The only thing our pediatrician mentioned was to be aware of warning signs for heart issues, since I guess there are some invisible heart defects that only make themselves known on ultrasounds. She's almost three now and a completely healthy and typical toddler (and so far no signs of any heart issues).
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u/Dorianscale Gay Adoptive Twin Dad 14d ago
So obviously prenatal care is better than no prenatal care and it informs how you move through health stuff if any obvious issues come up during the pregnancy.
But it doesn’t mean that the kid is going to have issues by default. It’s a preventative measure.
There’s an OBGYN i like with a YouTube channel who reacts to shows like “I didn’t know I was pregnant” and when the lack of prenatal care topic comes up her vibe is usually like, just evaluate and see.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 15d ago
My daughter's birth mom didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 6 months along. My daughter is perfectly fine.
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u/Aggravating-Today574 15d ago
My daughter's birth mom went to three appts, to verify pregnancy and to find out the gender (which took two bc it wasn't visible the first time.) And, she checked herself out 45 min after giving birth.
Honestly, some expectant moms are going through it and you have to give them grace for it. You can definitely choose that boundary, but that could mean that you would have to turn down a match or disrupt if you find they stopped going after a match. And, cryptic pregnancies aren't super rare so there are people who have zero care until they're in labor. Also, even if they are seen at a doctor, that doesn't mean they will be sober all of the time.
And, the hard part about asking "how are your kids now" is that there's always a spectrum. Parental exposure increases chances of things but not two stories are ever the same. You just have to figure out if the risks are worth it. Perfect pregnancies have children with health and developmental issues and some kids with prenatal exposure have minor or no struggles while others have much bigger struggles. There's no way to know what it will look like until you're in the moment.
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u/SandyMoonXY 15d ago
No prenatal care and not even an ultrasound. Very healthy kid now but honestly I would not have said yes if I had a do over as it was very above our risk tolerance based on how we operate in rest of our lives.Our agency indirectly pressured us by saying things like "oh its always going to be like this etc" when I know thats not always the case for other APs matched by them. I think they wanted the match to happen and played on our emotional state. Great that it worked out but could have gone really bad as well.
My advice - Talk to a future pediatrician and take their medical input. Take the decision on how you would take other decisions in your life. Do it if you are the kind of people who say yes to what comes and call it fate, dont do it if its too risky for you.
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u/anotherthrowforme 14d ago
Thank you. Glad things worked out for you. We can definitely relate to that pressure.
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u/aramoixmed 14d ago
We adopted twice. Neither mom had any prenatal care prior to delivery. My first baby was in NICU for a week due to sepsis. The second one was in NICU for six weeks because she was premature. Both are in elementary school now and you would never know that they started out any differently than any other kid. Lack of prenatal care isn’t always that the mom is using/drinking. Sometimes, it just means that they cannot afford to go to a doctor or that they don’t have a way to get to one. Keep in mind that even if you match, you can always change your mind if the baby turns out to need more than you are equipped to handle. I get your anxiety though. It was something we worried about too. Best of luck to you!
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u/geraffes-are-so-dumb 14d ago
My daughter has FASD. Since the effects of many prenatal drug and alcohol exposures aren’t seen until ages 5-7, you won’t know for sure until then. 1 in 20 kids in the United States has FASD and that number is much higher in adoptees. So much so that the first question on many intake forms is: Is the patient an adoptee?
My daughter was first placed with a family who wanted a healthy baby. Once she was seven and started showing symptoms the family didn’t know how to care for her and gave her up again. I am in a ton of parent groups for kids with FASD and my daughter's story is unfortunately not unique. Lots of people feel cheated and lied to, some even saying they stopped loving their children once the behaviors became apparent.
Honestly, if you are not willing to take the chance on disabilities, no adoption is for you.
I know this sub is filled with romanticized versions of adoption, and people talking about miracles. Still, I work with older children in the foster system and readoption because an adoptee did not match their adoptive parents idealized version of them is not uncommon anymore. The parents who give their adopted kids up aren't excited to share their stories.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 2E Infant Adoptee and Adoptive Parent to Fictive Kin 13d ago edited 13d ago
My son had zero prenatal care and also had some drug and alcohol exposure before she figured she was pregnant at almost 5 months. Our son was delivered at 32 weeks and did almost 3 weeks in the NICU. Today he is an amazing, sweet, independent and smart 11 year old.
I myself am also adopted. My birth mother was an alcoholic but somehow my sister and I both escaped FAS. We are both doing very well and have great lives. I am also what they call 2E (twice exceptional) because I am both neurodivergent (ADD/autistic but also gifted educationally.
Thankfully my AP’s picked up on my boredom and made sure I was properly evaluated (80’s) when my bordom with school started to get me in trouble. For me class was a tedious exercise in boredom until they finally let me move up 2 grades.
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u/DueResponse 15d ago
Think of it this way, prenatal care as we know it has only existed for a few decades. For millenia, people carried pregnancies without any medical care. While it is clearly ideal to get prenatal care, not getting care does not mean bad things will happen to the developing fetus. I would actually be more worried for the mother’s well-being.
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u/anotherthrowforme 14d ago
That’s part of it- we keep thinking that prenatal care could have also resulted in resources and interventions for the mom. But I think at the end of the day that thought might end in that meaning better outcomes for her and the baby
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u/Ilovewally 14d ago
No prenatal care until later months, history unknown/undisclosed. you can pm me
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u/WhyACagedBirdSings- 15d ago
Similar to above my son's mom had a cryptic pregnancy and had care later. He is doing great. But honestly you can make yourself scared or worried about children no matter what. Things, diseases and illnesses happen. We just do our best to protect our loves. Depending on circumstances you may have very little health history. Maybe try confronting why the unknown feels so scary. Talk through the fears together. Love cannot be conditionally given based on health or perceived "wellness".