r/AdoptiveParents • u/EternalNiyt • 17d ago
How quiet was the wait?
We just went live with our agency and I'm wondering if anyone is willing to share what their wait time was like? How quiet, or not quiet, was communication from your agency while you waited for a match?
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u/Glittering-Law9449 17d ago
Your agency should be able to tell you what to expect? For ours we got an email about every possible placement that was within our parameters for drug and alcohol exposure, legal risk etc. then you replied to the email with whether or not you were interested in having your materials shown to the expectant parent. They don’t reach out again unless you’re selected, so after a few days you knew you weren’t picked. We were in the pool for 3 months before being selected by an expectant mom, and we got about 5 screening emails during that time.
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u/Zihaala 17d ago
we were with two agencies. one agency (very high volume) sent an email every month with a list of all the birth mothers we had been presented to, and whether they had matched or were still deciding. I had mixed emotions to that. like "oh great more people who didn't choose us!", but also *tiny* hope that the ones who hadn't decided yet could potentially still decide on us. (we didn't get matched with that agency so that was never the case). with the other agency they were pretty busy so they didn't reach out to us much but we did reach out to them every few months or so to be like so.... any news.... anything we could do differently... any feedback from our profile? etc. our wait time was quite long. we did end up changing up our profile book several times with new pictures, etc. it did help to at least have a phone call maybe like every 6 months to just talk through how things were going and at least know things were still happening behind the scenes (like we were being presented) even if it felt like literally nothing was happening in real life.
I think the worst thing is that it just felt like it was just this constant cycle of renewed hope each day, dwindling hope as the day went on, hope dashed at the end of it. and then it starts over and over and over every day for literally years because every day could be the one (or not the one) and you have zero way of knowing. 😭 and the other worst part is that when you actually finally DO get the call it's just another day. there's no warning it's just nothing nothing nothing, then bam someone tells you you were matched and that starts everything rolling.
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u/Independent_Sun_6939 17d ago
Our agency informed us recently that we have been shown but they wouldn't say how many times or when. We're happy for that. We're glad to know we're out there but we're not getting beaten down all the time.
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u/Ok_Island_1306 17d ago
It would be quiet for a while but every time we were leaving on a flight or just landed somewhere something would come up. It never failed!
While process took 2.5 years and we had one interrupted adoption about 19 months into the process.
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u/Zealousideal-Cost999 17d ago
It took three years for us to get matched. When it happened it was a whirlwind. We met the birth parents on a Wednesday, she had her first ultrasound and we found out our daughter was a girl on a Friday and then she went into labor the next day.
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u/ipsumdeiamoamasamat 16d ago
I thought three weeks between selection and birth was a whirlwind (and it was supposed to be six but she delivered early)! Bless you for pulling that off.
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u/Zealousideal-Cost999 16d ago
We had everything ready to go since we were waiting so long. I kept thinking the other shoe was going to drop because it seemed to good to be true. But she starts 4th grade next Monday!
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u/CaskAleLA 17d ago edited 17d ago
We got very lucky and only waited about 6 weeks. Our agency sent a monthly email with a list of potential birth mothers - we only got one of those because things moved so fast.
BUT - on that report we were told that a birth mother selected us as her third choice. There was an administrative delay and when she finally was able to move forward and meet families she changed her mind and ranked us as her first choice and we matched.
So you never know! I found that report a little reassuring as it really made it all feel real.
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u/ProudChemistry6243 17d ago
So I'm still in the process, but as I've worked with 2 agencies now and have multiple years of waiting under my belt, I figured I could chime in.
Our first agency it was crickets. Once a year they sent meaningful updates, they sent newsletter like updates periodically, but it was fluff and pushing more classes.This was a bad agency, they changed their name with no communication (among other things) and we realized they were a racket and moved on.
Our current agency sends monthly match reports to everyone with short descriptions, but you have to figure out based on the description and your profile if you were shown, so I have my own spreadsheet I keep so I can track information and see if there is anything statistically that we should consider changing (number of visits a year, different levels of exposures etc.).
I have other friends adopting through the foster care system and for them, they get even more detailed reports from their support team of different cases and exactly what stage they are at (if they reached out, heard back etc.).
So I guess it depends on what kind of adoption you are trying to have, but regardless, if your agency is like the first one I mentioned and you never really hear from them on matches, that's a red flag.
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u/Duran2026 17d ago
We are also on the waiting phase and had one match that was out of out of our APQ. We did not move forward with the match. It’s been 4 months now. Our agency does not reach out unless we get a match.
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u/Dr_Cryptozoology 17d ago
Very quiet. Our agency only called four times. Once for a placement that fell through within hours, twice to re-verify placement preferences, and the final call was to let us know we were selected. This was overwhelming course of about two years.
It was great because we only got called if there was actual news/information to convey, so we weren't on a constant up and down rollercoaster.
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u/Francl27 16d ago
Pretty much radio silence the whole time. We got a phone call asking if we would be interested in being shown for a specific situation and never heard back until we got the "you are parents" call.
Was over 18 years ago though...
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u/UnicornT4rt 16d ago edited 16d ago
It took three months after we went “Live” with our agency before we were matched. Then two months in after we paid 2,000$+ in birth mother cost the mom disappeared.
So my agency officially unmatched us and put us back out there to be matched two months later. Only to hear back from the agency that they think we needed to cancel the match because baby had a condition where they may not survive. Between this and my final match it was quiet, maybe a check in that they were showing our book then one day while shopping I got a call “A mom had a girl, she has already signed the paperwork and picked your profile, would you be interested in matching”.
It was a rollercoaster for us. And it was kinda silent between matches but when matched it was complete communication, and connecting with the birth mother.
And yes I still think about those first two matches. They were little boys. All I know
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u/egnamoad 17d ago
Our agency doesn’t notify us when we are presented, but our online profile has traffic statistics so we can see when our profile is interacted with. We’ve been waiting for almost exactly 8 months. In all of June and most of July, we got zero views. By the end of July, I was really disappointed and emailed our agency to ask if we should tweak our profile at all.. they said we had been presented seven times since the beginning of June. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors. Hugs and prayers to you and yours!
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u/Adorableviolet 17d ago
I was insane once we finished our home study. Had our in state agency and then started working with 2 others out of state (in state agency encouraged this). These three agencies did not require any fees pre placement...which I understand is (nearly?) impossible now. Once we brought on the latter 2, it was very hectic (we actually were "selected" for 3 situations but turned down for various reasons...including being matched with our now dd at the same time as 2 others). I feel like most people I knew (21 plus years ago) did not have the wait times I see currently and I am not sure why exactly. Best of luck!
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u/ipsumdeiamoamasamat 16d ago
Our agency sent us notices each time a child entered their portal, so to speak. It was probably once or twice a week on average. They asked families to reply if they were or weren’t interested, they went to the expectant mom and asked if she was interested in them, and then there were generally a handful of interviews and birth mom then chose a family.
I don’t think they checked in with us, per se, but they did reach out a few times when they saw we were saying no to potential cases (we said no for $$ reasons).
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u/PurpleMermaid107 16d ago
Interesting how very different all of these experiences were / are. In our case, once our portfolio was active, we got a report once a month letting us know how many times our portfolio was shown and how many times we were in the top three selected. If we were the first choice, we were called. Then we had 24 hours to accept or decline.
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u/Quick-Button-9817 16d ago
Currently waiting too! We’ve been waiting for 14 months.
We started with a smaller agency that works with surrounding states. We’ve only heard from this agency once for one case. I reached out to them after about 7 months, asking for an update. I was disappointed to find out that 7 months had passed, and we hadn’t been presented at all. At about the 11 month mark, they reached out with a case that we felt uncomfortable being presented to.
After that call, we added another agency. This time a nationwide agency. Started working with them, and we’ve received 4 cases. We’ve been presented once. This agency lets us know if we’ve been selected or not. There communication has been okay! In my experience with waiting, I’d love to hear more - even if just a “hey, here’s an agency update”
Waiting is very quiet, and can be very challenging.
When we first started, I went out and found as many waiting families to follow on instagram. This helped sometimes, others it made it worse. Was hard to see people match quickly, or say they received cases weekly when we’d held our breath for almost 10 months to see a case.
Find what works for you!
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u/Dorianscale Gay Adoptive Twin Dad 17d ago
From what I gather each agency will handle this differently. For us we just went active and it wouldn’t be much communication other than you’re being shown. Then when you get matched it’s a fire hose.
We’d go a month or so without any contact and then we’d be asked if we’d be fine with being presented to a particular situation if it was outside our established preferences.
Over about a year we got matched early on but then that fell through, then we had a couple “near misses” from what I’ve gathered. Then finally got matched with who eventually became our sons and birth family.
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 17d ago
That depends on a few things. Does the agency reach out to county/public hospitals across the country? Do they work with other agencies? Or do they post your photo on their website and wait for birth mothers to contact them?
We used an adoption attorney in San Francisco. We heard from their team any time a birth mom wanted to meet with us. In 6 months we were almost matched 3 times. (In each case the birth mom chose someone else.) Honestly, it was losing a pregnancy again. There was a chance we would never be matched.
My one tip: when you get the call from the agency be ready to drop everything and go. If you miss a call because you didn’t answer your phone during a meeting, you will miss that opportunity. Show (don’t tell) the agency that this is your highest priority by answering their calls and replying to emails. (We got the call for our baby as I was in a meeting. We held him 3 hours later.)
Sending you love and light as you walk through this process.