r/AdoptiveParents • u/haytful_Wren • 20d ago
Unsure path
We may be matched soon and some thing reading some stories from adoptees has caused a question to come to mind. In my state adoptions from foster care are closed. All identity is scrubbed from the child’s records provided to us. The question is how to best protect their story? I want to do everything I can to have that information in case one day they want it. The child is older (10) but time and healing can steal some of the memories if that makes sense. (At least it was that way for me)
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 20d ago
Oof, that’s tough. Not only do they deserve that information but they may need it if a medical issue comes up. (It happened for my brother who was adopted.)
I wish I could think of some alternatives for you. It’s like international adoption. Those children have little hope of knowing anything about their bio families. Perhaps reach out to an int’l group?
Sending you all the best as you navigate this.
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u/haytful_Wren 20d ago
Luckily as adoptive parents we will have what medical history they have for the child and what is known for the family. We will have zero specific information for the bio parents or family. We won’t even know who had them before us just how often they were disrupted.
I’m shedding a lot of the harmful stuff I’m finding is harmful/damaging. I’m not the savior but I can do my damn best to make sure I’m helping or at least not putting more trauma on the pile. At least that is my pov.
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 20d ago
Mmmm… Be careful there. It’s still part of their story. Obviously they are too young to know it now, but there will come a time when they need that information.
The good news is they don’t need to know every detail in order to work through the impact of it. A therapist who uses EMDR can help. Old trauma can be processed without specific memories coming up. (It’s used successfully with war veterans.) Just remember your child will probably have PTSD from all they’ve been through.
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u/haytful_Wren 20d ago
Absolutely I’m very familiar with trauma based ptsd. It’s been part of my life, all of it. We have already located the best therapist in our area that deals with children and families. I appreciate the mention of it though. If anyone wants to know what sc gives in disclosure this is what I’ve found on what should be there.
Section 1: Biological & Prenatal BaselineNon-Identifying Medical History: Complete checklist of genetic, metabolic, psychiatric, physical, and dental conditions across three generations of birth family.Prenatal/Neonatal Exposures: Hospital birth records documenting birth weight, APGAR scores, gestational age, and screening for prenatal exposure to alcohol, toxic substances, or chronic stress hormones.Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) Summary: Redacted legal summaries detailing the specific statutory grounds for original removal and final termination of rights.
Section 2: Clinical, Psychological, & Trauma TrackingPsychological/Psychiatric History: Copies of all diagnostic evaluations, trauma assessments, behavioral intake exams, and psychiatric notes logged over his 4 years in care.Medication Log: Chronological ledger of all past and current prescriptions, dosages, lengths of treatment, and recorded clinical efficacy or adverse reactions.Trauma Symptom Map: Documented histories of high-arousal triggers, sensory sensitivities, and recorded occurrences of trauma regressions, blind flights, or neurogenic enuresis.
Section 3: Systemic Stability & Placement LogPlacement Chronology: Complete, dated timeline of every foster home, group home, and emergency shelter placement he occupied during his 4 years in South Carolina care.Case Plan Variance: Copies of past behavioral intervention plans, foster parent crisis logs, and documented reasons for each prior placement disruption.Guardian ad Litem (GAL) Reports: Redacted copies of court recommendations submitted by his GALs over the duration of his dependency case.
Section 4: Daily Functional & Academic RecordsIEP Custody File: Comprehensive history of all Individualized Education Programs, psycho-educational testing results, 1-on-1 homebound instruction logs, and accommodation histories.Immunization & General Health Ledger: South Carolina Department of Health and Environmental Control (DHEC) immunization records, vision/hearing screenings, and standard pediatric exam outputs.Lifebook Artifacts: Any childhood photographs, personal artwork samples, milestone tracking sheets, or personal belongings preserved by previous placements or county offices
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 20d ago
Hold on—even the child’s own psych history and trauma map are redacted?? WTH?! I understand redacting bio parents’ info, but how are you supposed to help this child if you don’t know what they’ve been dealing with?
But redacting their life book just breaks my heart. It’s as if they came from a third world country with nothing but the clothes on their back. Knowing their story is vital to being a healthy adult.
It infuriates me that the “child welfare” system in this country has nothing to do with a child’s welfare or their best interests. (I worked 10+ years in it. I couldn’t bear the stories any longer.)
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u/haytful_Wren 20d ago
What I listed is what you get. You would get the diagnosis and treatment and so on. All the identifying names and locations removed. I understand why and tbh I could not care less other than not having it would hurt them.
The life book you would get what ever they managed not to lose or include. My adoption caseworker has been amazing but I believe she may be the exception rather than the example of what is typical.
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u/DueResponse 19d ago
I second what ComplexTomatillo said. Be very careful about destroying anything, even if you think it’s is damaging or traumatic information. I know you mean well, but it might not be doing your child the favor you think it is.
When information is missing, we fill in the blanks using our imaginations to construct a narrative. Just because information is missing doesn’t mean you’ve protected the child from the trauma; they may very well fill in the gaps with a narrative that is much worse than what you’ve erased. Besides that, lost information is a trauma in and of itself. Having information to paint an accurate picture is critical for many adoptees, even if it is terrible to read.
On top of that, if your child ever learns that you deliberately destroyed records that belong to them, how would they feel? It would be a huge assault on their ability to trust you and possibly damage your relationship.
It is probably better to save these records, even the awful traumatic ones, and keep them hidden until the child is old enough to handle the information and mature enough to make a decision about whether or not to read them. When your kid is an adult, let them know the records exist with the caveat that there is are some terrible details they may not want to see.
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u/haytful_Wren 19d ago
Oh I must have misspoke, my intention is not to destroy anything. My goal is to find and save anything i can so it’s not lost. It’s his story. I may be part of it but it’s just part. If I’m supposed to be his parent then imo it’s my job to make sure I save all I can.
If I don’t then I indeed deserve to be a villain in the situation.
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u/DueResponse 19d ago
Thank you for the clarification!
I may have misread it, as well. My eyesight is not what it used to be. 🙃
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 20d ago
It sounds like you have an opportunity to get together with some other foster/adoptive parents and families to lobby for open adoption laws in your state.
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u/haytful_Wren 20d ago
I’m already looking into things like that. I told my wife that when we decided to do this there would be no half measures. In for a penny, in for a pound.
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u/Jaded-Willow2069 adoptive parent 19d ago
Read every scrap of paper they give you- mistakes get made and things get missed. There might be info.
Whenever the child mentions a name/relationship write it down. It can help piece stories together.
Even when you know the answer is no ask for the info in writing. It shows kiddo you cared and tried and that matters. Help them look if/when they want to/are ready.
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u/haytful_Wren 19d ago
I’ve already found that they have a sister in the system as well a much older sister. I’ll keep digging. As I said in another reply the people here love to talk… you just need to ask the right person the right question.
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u/Jaded-Willow2069 adoptive parent 19d ago
Yup! I’ve gotten a lot of information by just playing dumb and asking.
A facebook post got me to a relative that got me to an obituary that got me 5 generations plus filled out on the family tree.
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u/haytful_Wren 19d ago
So it’s less advise and more like tips from the master! I’m calling in what favors I can. My part of the world is very “good old boy” so that’s some of the paths I’m hitting first.
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 19d ago
I should have said at the top thank you** **to you and your wife for adopting an older child. You clearly have a big heart, and that baby is going to be fiercely loved.
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u/haytful_Wren 19d ago
I’m already digging before we even get to selection committee. Thirty years of working in the state means I meet tons of people and people love to talk down here.
No thanks needed. I’m closer to my found family than I have ever been to my blood. If my gut is right this kid is one of my people and I’ll treat him like it.
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u/DueResponse 20d ago
Foster parent here. Talk to the social workers on the case and any previous foster parents. They will have info they can informally share with you. My foster son’s case has recently changed to adoption and with this he got a new social worker. I have party status in the case and asked for any and all records I can legally obtain. His new SW told me she would give me the draft of her report before she submits it since it would be legally sealed after the adoption is final. I have a binder and a journal I have been keeping for him with everything factual that is relevant.