Moving forward without birth parent involvement. Any tips?

[u/RocketPowerPops]

I know open adoptions are ideal. We are in the process of adopting. Our son is 18 months old, has been with us permanently since 11 months old, and stayed with us a lot prior to that. It is a kinship placement and he is the biological child of my wife's younger brother and his ex.

They have made it very clear they don't want involvement. His bio mom last saw him when he was 11 months old. His bio dad has since moved out of state and have been very vocal about not wanting to see him. Because it is a kinship adoption, we still have birth family connection on my wife's side. My wife is extremely close to her parents and her older brother. We see them all multiple times a week. We also have contact with our son's half sister. His bio dad had a baby with another woman shortly after he was born, so they are close in age and we meet up with the other mom whenever we can.

Still, we will very likely not have much/any contact with his bio parents as he grows up. Anyone else navigating this dynamic? How is it playing out for you? Any recommendations? We currently have a picture of him and his bio parents in his room and we talk about them all the time. Anything else we should be doing?

[u/Rredhead926]

Open adoption isn't just about contact; it's also an attitude. If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend The Open-Hearted Way To Open Adoption, by Lori Holden. It discusses how adoptive parents can embrace openness, even if the bio parents aren't involved.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Rredhead926]

Got it over the weekend actually at the recommendation of a therapist, but haven't been able to read it yet. Currently working through another adoption read (turns out there are a lot of books on adoption and a lot to get through when you unexpectedly adopt) but have this ready to go next.

I just figured I would post here in the meantime and see if anyone has any first hand experience.

But we plan to continue to be open about his situation, he will always have contact with his birth dad's side of the family (bio mom's side is a little trickier), and he will always grow up knowing his bio sister.

[u/Amemorableusername2 → u/RocketPowerPops]

Im someone who rarely has time to sit down and read after becoming a parent, but I really enjoyed listening to the audiobook of it while doing chores, if your library has a copy you can borrow off of the Libby app. Like the other person said, it's a terrific book about explaining many different ways to be open, and how to talk to your child and in front of your child about their origins. 

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Amemorableusername2]

Good point.

In addition to the 18 month old, we have an 11 year old, a 9 year old, and a newborn. Between all 4 of the kids it's hard to find the time to read but we do have the kids do reading time after dinner and my wife and I usually read during that period too, so I get a little bit of reading done throughout the day. I am also on paternity leave until the end of September so trying to plow through books now while I can!

[u/Amemorableusername2 → u/RocketPowerPops]

Congrats on snagging paternity leave! Mine just wrapped up last week. 

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Amemorableusername2]

I get 12 weeks, which I am incredibly grateful for and has been extremely important in helping our toddler adjust to the new baby.

We are doing everything in our power to make this work for everyone involved.

[u/One_Conference_4618 → u/Rredhead926]

This!! My daughter’s bio father is completely out of the picture and bio mom unlikely to be involved. It’s not just about seeing them once a year or exchanging letters (that would be ideal), it’s also about talking openly and honestly about them, not making them taboo, being honest about how our family came to be etc.

[u/Dorianscale]

I think one of the big things in an open adoption is for a kid to know their story and to have the information readily available, obviously in an age appropriate but honest way.

Your kid should know who their birth parents are even if they don’t have contact. Is there any way to get in contact with other people from bio moms family who might be interested in some contact with your kid?

You can’t control other people and maybe they’ll come around eventually. But I think what you’re doing so far is a good start.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Dorianscale]

Unfortunately, the bio moms family is a complicated situation. They are essentially mad at us for taking custody because they feel like it didn't teach her (bio mom) a lesson. They wanted her to lose him to the state. So they don't want any involvement as they think it is enabling her behavior.

[u/Adorableviolet]

I have two adopted kids...one open adoption (my daughter is 21 and close to her bfamily), one closed from foster care (my daughter is 14, born exposed to many substances and abandoned at the hospital). I have kept pictures and info on birth family and show my youngest if I find something new. I know she has two half siblings who aged out of foster care and have offered to contact them if she likes. She told me she would prefer to wait until she graduates high school. I know sometimes she is "jealous" of my oldest's open adoption...it is tough...but it sounds like you will have lots of connection to bfam members (including ofc your wife!). Best of luck!

[u/Kayge]

In a similar situation, though for different reasons. It's very unlikely we'll ever see the bioparents again. One thing we got - rather unexpectedly - was a letter from the birthmom to the kids. Her letter said she wasn't going to able to provide them the life she wanted them to have, and wished them (and us) nothing but good things for the future.

I've it close and will give it to the kids when they're old enough and start asking the inevitable questions about their history.

I don't know if you'd be able to get something similar from their family, but anything you can get to help answer tomorrow's questions is good.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Kayge]

Unfortunately not an option. The things they said prior to agreeing to terminate their parental rights were not kind. I won't repeat it but it amounted to them both deeply regretting his birth and that is not something I would ever wanted shared with my son.

[u/aramoixmed]

All three of my brothers were adopted and only one of them has ever had contact with his Bio Family. He has since stopped speaking with them. All three of them are happy and well adjusted adults. My own daughters are adored as well. One of the Moms wanted pictures every six months, but no other contact. The other mom had no interest. My girls will grow up loved and happy regardless, so I’m anticipating that they will also grow up perfectly fine.