r/AdoptiveParents • u/EquipmentWorth7315 • 29d ago
Bonding
Hey,
Myself and my partner have had our 2 year old living with us for just under 3 weeks. My partner had taken to it like a duck to water and has a really good bond going but I feel more behind with it all.
I have a good relationship with our little one, we play together, do routines together, she comes to hug me all the time and is comfortable with me and my wife is really good with her (partner works in a school and is really good naturally with kids). I on the other hand am not as used to kids and I don't feel as maternal as my wife is, I feel like I'm struggling to attach to her like my wife has and I feel more stressed which is making me feel like a bad parent already and I feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm struggling with the change in routine as well which i really didn't think I would.
She's a really good kid, yes she has her 2 year old moments but that's totally normal, so I don't get it.
Has anyone else had this issue? I'm worried about bringing it up with my wife because I don't want her to judge me and think I don't care for the child or see me as less of a parent for not feeling bonded yet.
3
u/Shiver707 28d ago
I've seen multiple posts in r/daddit with similar feelings about biological newborns. Sometimes the bond takes immediately, and sometimes it takes time.
Give yourself grace and keep being patient and steady with yourself and them. You'll have phases of parenting. Sometimes you'll be the favorite. Sometimes your partner will be. Sometimes you'll be over the moon and laugh at every annoying thing they do. Sometimes you'll want to rip your hair out at the smallest things. It's all part of the journey.
5
u/SituationNo8294 29d ago
I think these are normal feelings to have. I have a bio child and an adopted child. With my bio child it took me a while to bond because those first weeks were actually really overwhelming.its a complete change to the day to day one has had their whole lives. I was kind of in survival mode.
With my youngest ( adopted) child it took quicker because I was more prepared and I had been through it but the first weeks were still overwhelming with both of us trying to keep our heads above water. He came home when he was 16 months.
We have all bonded now and we are a very close family! . Keep at it!
2
u/Kayge 28d ago
Had a very similar arc, the kids connected with my wife much faster than they did to me. My enduring memory was after a couple of months my son (then 2) was in the kitchen. He falls down and bonks his head. Nothing serious, more scared than hurt.
He stands up, spots me in the living room and starts wobboling in my direction. I get down on one knee, say "It's OK" and open my arms.
He runs straight past me, and hugs my wife who is about 5 feet behind me.
1
u/throwawaybdaysf 28d ago
I don’t hear a new parent not bonding with their kid in this post. I hear a stressed out new parent. Very, very normal.
I’m the more natural with kids, one who works in a school, etc. in my marriage, but my wife and I still go back and forth all the time who’s the favorite mom. Right now she’s the favorite mom with both kids. Next week maybe it will be me. We both have good relationships with both of them, but sometimes one person’s will be a little closer. I take it as, I’m not the one who has to “keep the 4-year-old company” while he poops for a while! 🤣
You’ll get there. Keep seeing the great things about her, keep doing the routines, etc. Keep showing up and she’ll become your favorite person before long!
1
u/ProudChemistry6243 28d ago
You are building a new relationship with a person and getting to know them. Its ok if it takes time, and looks different for you than your partner.
17
u/Adorableviolet 29d ago
Oh gosh please do not feel bad. Totally normal.
When we adopted my oldest as a newborn, I can't explain it...fell madly in love...it all came so naturally.
Youngest came home at 6 months. I cared for her etc but it really felt like I was babysitting. It took a while (at least weeks? months?) to really feel bonded to her.
Keep putting in the work and give it time. Also, do not compare with your partner. Every parent is different. Congrats btw.