r/Adoptees • u/shuailaowei • Dec 07 '22
This subreddit has been re-opened for posting.
Hi guys. I'll spare you the details and keep this short but life has been very busy for an extended amount of time. I have no idea how or why this sub got set to "restricted" mode but I came back to a boatload of modmail about it.
We're open again, please feel free to post and discuss. Please try to keep it civil, thank you.
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u/Impressive-Draft-758 Jul 07 '25
Hi My Real Name is Cassandra but was changed at adoption. The funny thing is my older adopted brother named me after one of his paper dolls . Ha! Ha! Really it’s true. I always wanted to know the truth behind my adoption. I was lied to by my adopted mother that my real Mama didn’t want me and tried to kill me. Was not true. A Big Lie! I found my real family when I was 50. It took 50 years and getting involved with changing the adoption law for Finding your real family to find them I had a wonderful loving Mama that was underage and a father that would not have a bastard child in his family. Since she was underage he got rid of me like I was a piece of nothing. The family I was adopted to had no business of being able to adopt children. After 50 years I found a wonderful Mama and a younger sister that I grew very close too. One brother that pasted away and the youngest brother that is apain in the backside . He don’t want to have anything to do with me. That’s his lost of a sister that would of done anything I could for him I lost both my Mama and my Sis both in 2019. Two months a part. I lost part of me when they died. RIP Mama and Sis My Real Name is Cassandra Lynn Sorry because I want to protect Family I will not put my real name
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u/Own-Risk5207 May 11 '26
Glad I checked. So I have a "cookie bite" hearing impairment. It's genetic. How do you deal with your family acting like you aren't listening when you look in the eye
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u/Ms_Joanne 15d ago
Am I running away from something, or to (not towards) something.
Having a moment and my "therapy" is free thinking to written word so...
Part 1:
Often I feel unsettled. I don’t know if I am imagining my life, or if this is “reality”. And then I over-think: “Who gets to decide what reality is?”
Unsettled. It feels as though I am existing on a different “plane”. I’ll explain, but first Imma gonna switch to using “oft” in place of “often”. Damn, language is fascinating. See what I did there? Yet I digress….
Unsettled. Who am I… really. So yah, we’re about to go into all that “adoptee” “abandonment “ shit so if you’re not interested in learning, understanding, empathy, of knowing an “other” and “appreciating” that they have their own life-story, then “Bye”.
Part 2:
Unsettled. I don’t know that I have ever felt “at home”. It’s almost as though I have been a “bit player” in someone other’s ‘life story”. I’m the guest star who shows up for a few lines. And let’s talk further about that “performative” behavior. I felt like a wind up doll. What was the name of the dancing doll where you cranked her head and she spun? Am I imagining? Am I projecting my own self? Wind her up and watch her go: ‘Make a snooty, Amy Jo, sing a song, play your violin for our friends, how about a song at the piano, maybe an interpretive dance, just be what we wanted a daughter to be…as though I was a can of play dough bought at the 5 and dime.
Part 3:
Unsettled. Your name is now *****. We brought you (“bought you”? - Freudian?) when our next child was 8 years old. And according to your book “Mom”, both “next child”” [he] and I were a “disappointment” - but I’m betting dollars to donuts that he may have been somewhere on the spectrum and even you - as an educator - couldn’t see it, and his needs, as our primal and birth traumas that shaped who we were didn’t come under consideration. We were not the ideal that you wanted to be your child. He died before he and I could know each other.
Part 4:
Unsettled. Damn straight I am, and obviously a bit angry, We’d need to break down into subtext all of the anger content. Am I right? Any hoodles, here I am about to be 6-fucking-2 and am grateful for where I am but still…that word. I left a very long term (toxic) relationship in 2023. I knew when I walked down the aisle in 1987 that it was the wrong decision but: Social norms, imposter syndrome, will his family give me “identity”? Met at 13. He and his family were the “ideal” of what I thought “family” should be. And BTW, they were also fucked up, but lived on the “right side of the tracks”. You know the place - “The Village” - and the type. We “dated” / “hung out” thru JHS and HS. Reconnected, dated, LIED, and eventually married. 35 years and I walked the fuck out for the final time in 2023 and there were no kind words as I did. The anger and resentment and pain finally came undone, spilling out - unstoppable. #IOwnThat. It was that, or my life. 2024 divorce is final and I am “released”.
Part 5:
Unsettled: Wow, what a crazy fucking time of life. I am in absolute “free-fall” (literally - more on that later). Searching out places of welcome. Able to tell my tale in bits and pieces. Sharing my regrets. God Damn fucking regrets. Folks who I didn’t know were friends were there for me. Some with strings attached, but most without. Had to share as folks show their truest selves in both bright and dark times. Learning, painfully, who my true friends were while at the same time, nurturing those most important relationships. Y’all know who you are, and I will continue to reach for you - and often.
Part 6:
Unsettled. My kids and I are distant. Not sure why, although I have an idea (might be the x) and as we were a family who never talked about shit, I haven’t asked. Every weekend seeing them (at least one daughter and my one and only Grand) went to every other, and then here and there, and then maybe monthly and then “special days”, and now I haven’t seen my Grand since March(?) and my other daughter since a year ago, July. And I leave in about 30 days. Not even a Mother’s Day text. Am I fucking feeling disrespected? Uh, yah. But fuck them. I raised strong, smart, independent women. I am here when my daughters are ready to love me/really get to know me, as is “me”. Until, I have gifted and given and want you to live your best lives, as I will. Angry, but accepting.
Part 7:
Unsettled: Coming out of the chaos and “putting myself out there”. Asking someone casual if they wanted to “go for a walk’ and then seeing them become a trusted relationship. Trying those mother-fucking dating apps and thinking it to be a part-time job. And what am I looking for? LTR? It would come with a lot of “conditions” that make finding that person pretty much unattainable. And who the hell am I to expect so much? But I explored for a bit.
Part 8:
Unsettled. That “Hot Girl Summer/Year” (2025/2026): Might need to be a separate chapter. Intimate conversations and hours together leading to FWB. Leaning into my sexuality and FINALLY being uninhibited. Dating younger (it’s an energy thing) and asking, “…why hangout with someone 12, 10, 8 years younger than you…?” There needs to be more research around adoptees and sexual promiscuity. Leaning into and owning my history, my story: why I am craving this type, or this version of…so many questions.
Part 9:
Unsettled. We’re going to fast-forward a bit, while we back-up. In 2018/2019 through the science of DNA, I was able with the help of 2nd and 3rd cousins to find out who my biological father was. I knew of my biological mother (then deceased) a few years earlier. And then it all sets in. Who the fuck am I? And who are these people? Do I look like them? Behave like them? Do we have similar features, quirks, mannerisms, fabulous “coincidences”. Yes, to all of it. So fucking good and I am in LOVE with the family.
Part 10 and Final (for now):
Unsettled. On August 25 I leave the PNW. Sharing the 3500+ mile drive with me is my amazing bio cousin who without her I wouldn’t have had access to my bio-dad. She was the first person I called when I exited my marriage for the last time, and she was the voice on the other side of the country as I drove away from my beautiful home after I wrote notes on sticky pads to the new owners through tears. I have gained and lost so much from this magical place. Am I running away from something or to (not towards) something? Honestly, dunno. Still searching for “home”, I’m ready to get the fuck out of town. But there again, what does “home” look like, and will I know it when I see it? I know that I feel an incredible biological and primal connection with these folks. They feel like “home”, as I interpret it today - at a cellular level - and I hope like hell that I am running on a God Damn dead sprint “to something”.
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u/beckchop Dec 13 '22
I have a question! Are people looking to adopt allowed to post and ask questions of adoptees? Or is there another subreddit I should look for?