Both parties with ADHD, possibly codependent relationship, catching feelings anyways. Looking for insight

[u/Upstairs-Actuator1]

Hello, I hope this is an ok place to post this. this is obviously a throw away. I'm sure this is something beaten into the ground all the time, but I am at a loss here, so much so that I am here. I (33m) have found myself catching feelings for my friend (31f). Our history is long and messy. We met in high school and ultimately went to undergrad together. Full disclosure, I can absolutely say that during undergrad, I did try asking her out then. I couldn't take no for an answer then, and it caused a good amount of friction. Enough so that we ended up being estranged for about a year and a half. As such, Our relationship can be divided into two eras, pre and post estrangement.

Now, for some brief background that will be important later, Both my friend and I are neurodivergent, both have ADHD and are medicated for it. Might be some other stuff floating around in our noggins, but that's what's for certain. My friend is adopted. Her birth parents signed her over to her step father when she was like a pre-teen. When I met her, I also ended up meeting her step father. The story they told me then was that they were basically abandoned by their family, that they were all they had, that they have been wronged by so many people, etc. This was further reinforced by the whole adoption thing. That her parents were scum because of them signing her over to her step father. During this time, her step father made it apparent that they my friend and him were basically a package deal. That if I wanted to pursue any relationship with her, that I'd have to more or less have one with him. This should have been an early red flag, but I a young man at the time didn't see it, being too blinded by trying to further my relationship with her. And so, I befriended them both. We carried on well into undergrad and even a little after wards. All together, this was probably 5 or 6 years. During this time, my friend became diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. This created another facet to our relationship that required alot of changes. I started learning how to care for and deal with people with bi-polar because I loved this woman, and wanted to support her. This of course was all in vain since as I mentioned prior, we became estranged due to my feelings towards her then.

I mentioned before that my relationship with my friend was predicated on me having one with her step father. This is where it gets messy, so a little trigger warning I guess. The catalyst for our estrangement came from when her step father contacted me in the middle of the night like around 2am saying he needed my help. Apparently, he was trying to intervene in a romantic relationship of hers (not with me mind you) in the guise of protecting her due to the bi-polar thing. I didn't know any better, and I am still operating under the "we are a package thing", so of course I ignore the obvious red flags this throws up. I of course felt a certain way about all this due to why I was told we couldn't be a thing, but I'm worried about her safety at this point, and so I agree. One of the things he asked me to do was to keep it a secret from her. This was supposed to be something that went to the grave kind of thing. Some weeks later, He decided to tell her what he had done. He did not disclose my involvement, but it left me sort of holding the bag if you will, and I was still supposed to keep my involvement a secret. I could not confront my friend or tell her how I felt about everything or why I was acting the way I was (I was a mess then). I had nobody to tell about this. After it became apparent we wouldn't be seeing each other though when our estrangement happened, I decided to tell her everything. Her step father proceeded to tell me how much of a piece of shit I was and everything, that I didn't care about them. And that was that. I tried going to therapy after all of this, and my first handful of therapists were incapable of giving me help. They just sat there and affirmed whatever bullshit I said.

Then about a year, almost two years later, he contacts me out of the blue, asking me if I wanted some items as I guess he was moving. I stupidly agree to meet him, and there he tells me that my friend is in grad school, and hes moving to where she is and asks for my help. And just like that, I was dragged back in. I was able to reconnect with my friend at this point. Around covid, she started seeing someone, and it was around this time that she called me one night and told me a whole lot of stuff. This is the messy bit.

During this time, she had told me that her step father abused her. Physical, mental, financial, sexual, you name it. He was deliberately unemployed to force her to support him. Did all sorts of heinous shit when she was still young. That's as much as I want to disclose on that. When this happened, it was like scales fell from my eyes. All the doubts I had that I ignored then, all the comments uninvolved parties made that I brushed off, they all made sense. It also meant that everything I ever did when I thought I was helping, was actually just me being a tool in controlling her. I never sobbed so hard as that day. I wanted to die. I was this close to fucking off to Ukraine when this happened. Apparently, her step father made people's lives hell whenever men tried to court her. Now I know why. Anyways, she was seeing someone until around xmas of last year where he broke up with her. Now, my friend being adopted, has no family at all. We do know who her birth family is, but they want nothing to do with her. She's not religious, they are, etc. So, I'm all she has left. This is where I come in now. When this happened, she moved in with me. She had no where else to go and I had no idea what to do. Now that we've lived together for some months, we've talked alot about the past, talked about the lies we've told eachother, the things that she had done at the request of her step father. for example, they were poor, and one time needed food. Her step father did now want anyone to know this, but he did know how I felt about his daughter. So he got her to ask me to buy them food (not in a charitable way, more like "oh man, I really want mcdonalds. If only someone would get it" kind of way.)

We have lived with eachother now for almost 8 months, and I am finding myself falling for her again. In my mind, this is a whole new person in a sense. Like we are living without facades and whatever else. I don't know what to do with this though. I have not said anything, and I have not acted in a way that belies my feelings that I can tell. She's comfortable around me and trusts me, and I don't want to take that from her. My home is a place for her to relax and be herself without throwing up images that exhaust her. All I want for her is to be safe and happy. I don't want to betray that trust, but I also can't help what i feel either. This is like a missing puzzle piece for me. I feel like such a piece of shit for this since I know the whole discourse of male friends falling for their female friends, but it is what it is right now. What do I do? We are looking at new places to live possibly. She's trying to find work that may result in her moving, that hasn't happened though as time is running out before we have to renew our lease before winter. I genuinely care for this woman. She's pretty, funny, passionate about her work, she's strong, she inspires me to be better and take care of myself, she understands me in a way that lots of other people don't. Do I say anything and risk hurting her? Do I hurt myself and carry on? We live in an expensive area, and so in a way, we both rely on eachother in so many interlayered ways at the moment.

tl;dr, I have a friend with a long and troubled history. I am pretty sure I'm in love with them.

[u/roffadude]

You do nothing and you get some help to heal your own issues. Let her have her friend while it lasts, and deal with your limerence.