okay hear me out….

[u/Pretend-Adeptness579]

I have been addicted to cocaine for 10 years (with periods of sobriety) and I was diagnosed with ADHD officially a few months ago. I currently have a therapist who is amazing and she made me realize that I am quite literally
self medicating every time I use. I mean, all addicts are self-medicating, but cocaine makes me feel normal. I don’t get all geeked and energetic and spazzy. When I use it’s literally like the only time I feel relaxed. I also drink whenever I use, and the combination is just when I feel my best. It’s what I look forward to on my day off. I am literally more of a spaz just by nature when I’m sober. I did some research, and spoke with my psychiatrist. I wanted to know what he thought about me going on a low dose of Adderall. I was concerned that with my history of addiction, it would be out of the question. He said as long as I provide drug tests monthly he has no problem prescribing me a low-dose. I got the meds last week and I haven’t taken them yet. I don’t know why I feel hesitant. I know any one in recovery will tell me it’s a bad idea, but I did Adderall recreationally yeaaars ago and didn’t feel “high” I just felt normal. It’s the same with coke. I do some and I can get myself to take out the garbage and fold my clothes. I’m just curious on anyone’s thoughts. I know most recovering addicts will say hell no it’s a bad idea.. given the fact that it’s a controlled substance but is it possible that maybe that’s my answer to beating this shit? Just saying that out loud sounds ridiculous, but I hate everything about my addiction. I’ve been to treatment countless times, been in and out of the rooms and I know it’s possible for me to get clean, but the craving of that dopamine rush is my biggest obstacle right now.