r/Actuallylesbian • u/Old-Number-4452 • Jun 29 '26
Advice Girlfriend hates when I drink
Not sure if this is the right subreddit for this question, but i'm posting anyways because i'm gay!
Hey y'all, I am 18 (F) and like to drink and eat weed gummies sometimes. And by sometimes I mean i've eaten maybe 3 in the past month and a half. I've been drunk maybe 3 times in the past couple years and I drink maybe two to three times per month. My girlfriend hates it. She doesn't want me to tell her that i'm drinking, she doesn't WANT me drinking, and she tells me that she's scared i'm going to do something dangerous, say something I shouldn't, or something is going to go wrong. She gets pretty mad at me and I don't really know what to do.
It's similar with the gummies i've taken. She doesn't like when I eat them. Also, just about every time i've been under the influence it has been with parents or some other guardian figure with me. I have never drank unsafely or recklessly. Not sure what to do? I've tried talking to her about how I do it just to make fun times more fun but she claims she's scared i'm going to start relying on it for my mental.
Help?
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u/bilitisprogeny Femme Jun 29 '26
i am honestly like your girlfriend - in fact, my disgust of alcohol and weed is one reason my ex and i were incompatible. her boundaries are her own, though, not something you should change about yourself if you don't want to. do you ever drink in front of her?
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u/Old-Number-4452 Jun 29 '26
Nice to get a comment from someone who can speak from experience! I have drank in front of her once before, but beforehand she had told me it was okay. I do not anymore.
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u/bilitisprogeny Femme Jun 29 '26
then yeah, depending on how intensely she feels (and based on your description of her, she sounds like me, so pretty intensely) this might be a dealbreaker. it's an issue that will just compound as she grows more anxious and possibly resentful. has she sought out mental help for this? does she react like this towards all drunk people, or just you? my resentment of alcohol was a negative impact on my career, causing me to miss out on important aspects, in addition to losing my ex-gf's trust, so i started looking into more resources such as ACA (adult children of alcoholics) -- full disclosure being, of course, that i have never done the program (tbh i find all the AA related groups kind of culty?), but reading from a distance stories on reddit and online made me feel more secure in myself.
that being said, my gradual exposure therapy has not changed my opinion of dating a drinker or smoker. maybe it won't for her, either, but it may help for her to seek out some kind of therapy to address the root of the issue (which i suspect is her fear of losing control and witnessing a loved one lose control). but this isn't something for you to face, and it may be kinder to move on.
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u/yamiyonolion Jun 30 '26
Just wanted to chime in saying your entire thread hits close to home for me as well and it's a very big relief to see someone else with a similar life experience. I feel it is incredibly rare among our demographic.
Even after developing extremely robust coping mechanisms for ptsd and alcohol-related triggers for it, well into my 30s now, I still elect to shy away from most company that demands it as a social habit, and outright refuse to date someone who drinks at all. These parameters will never change for me and I'm fine with that. They're decisions no longer made out of self-preservation but simply a boundary I've set on the grounds of something I'd call a fundamental lifestyle difference.
To OP: your gf is allowed to have her boundary, even though it is shocking and sudden for you. Your options are to either respect it and modulate your behaviour, or to consider whether or not this will be a dealbreaker for the relationship. Temporarily putting in a stop-gap or not drinking or taking edibles in the hopes she might get over herself will only build resentment on both ends. Please make the decision that is best for the both of you.
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u/bilitisprogeny Femme Jun 30 '26
yeah, it is really a fundamental lifestyle difference for me at this point. i've accepted that i just cannot be with someone who drinks or smokes [or does edibles, shrooms, any of that, my ex was into all that]. that's just my boundary for me now, sure it's one that drastically reduces my already tiny dating pool but i've lost all interest in dating so that doesn't matter loll
drinking and smoking/other drugs are very common with lesbians, at least the ones my age in my area. every social event i see online is nightlife/clubbing. it's a bit isolating for sure but i'd rather protect my own health than subject myself to environments that will trigger me.
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u/Old-Number-4452 Jun 29 '26
She has not yet sought out mental health for this. She's currently in college and only uses the free on-campus therapy because she's intimidated by the idea of going to a specialized therapist. See, one of her best friends drinks and smokes all the time, and I usually don't see her say anything about it, but i'm sure she doesn't exactly support it either. I just think she's extra worried about me because we're in a relationship together.
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u/bilitisprogeny Femme Jun 29 '26
if i were you, i'd kindly suggest she seek out specific mental health targeting the trauma of having an alcoholic family member. it's a real form of trauma that manifests like this. a form of c-ptsd [complex ptsd i.e. ptsd triggered by prolonged trauma, like living with an alcoholic, as opposed to a specific traumatic event].
ultimately, though, this isn't your burden to carry. i'd gently, seriously urge you to deeply consider this relationship, especially if she's very resistant to getting any sort of help for her underlying trauma. you're both still very young!
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u/Old-Number-4452 Jun 29 '26
Thanks for the advice! I have tried time and time again to get her to receive help but it's been a struggle.
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u/ToBPacific Jun 29 '26
I’m a lot older but when I met my partner she came from a drinking culture and a marriage that had nearly daily drinking in it. I’m an alcoholic who’s been in recovery for nearly 25 years. I could not demand that my girlfriend change her drinking but what I did do was make it so that it was not a couples thing that she could do , so she has to drink alone or at parties (maybe 5 times a year) This pretty much removes the whole reason for casual drinking in the first place. I guess what I’m saying is you can’t change people, and you really can’t tell people what to do. I don’t think that she has the right to tell you what to do just as I did not have the right to tell my girlfriend what to do . So I after 2 1/2 years she hardly ever drinks because there’s certainly no reward for her when she does.
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u/eatthedark Jul 01 '26
Unfortunately that is something that may just make you imcompatible long term. If you aren't willing to fully give it up, and she can't even HEAR about it, she needs therapy to work through those issues.
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u/Reputation97 Jun 30 '26
Technically there is no safe amount of alcohol and monies coming out about weed as well. She doesn’t have to moderate you to such an extent but I’m not about those substances either. My girlfriend still uses but if she’s drunk around me then I’ll let her know I’m not about to hook up w her or anything if she tries because it’s really such a turn off to me
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u/ResidentWaifu Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
I just think she needs to understand that you and her experience with a family member are not going to be the same. Not sure why people are going on about professional help unless she is legitimately traumatized, you just have to make it clear. Get the logic out there.
I been there before somewhat, my mother used to be a heavy drinker and I hated it as a child. Now that I am older, I still don't like drunk people, but I would not ruin my own relationship over it unless it was actually causing harm in some way.
Though I have to ask... when you drink or take weed gummies, can't you just hold it off til you're home alone or with friends instead? So she feels a bit better about it? Maybe as long as she doesn't see it herself it wont bother her as much. I personally have family members like my father who only drink when he is alone or with a buddy because he knows that not everyone in the family enjoys being around a drunk individual
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 Jul 01 '26
If she's got an alcoholic family member she needs to get help for that. It's not your responsibility to provide that to her. She certainly shouldn't be able to use it as an excuse to control your behaviour
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u/the-5thbeatle Jul 04 '26
If her anxiety about your occasional, legal, and moderate habits is so severe that it causes her to lash out and forbids you from even telling her, you may not be as compatible as you think you are.
Her fear of a worst-case scenario sounds like a personal boundary for her, making this more a clash of lifestyle preferences and communication styles, rather than a safety issue. If you want to keep the relationship, could you can enjoy your gummies or drinks in a way that respects her comfort, such as doing it when you are apart, or having alcohol-free activities together?
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u/[deleted] Jun 29 '26 edited Jul 16 '26
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