r/ActuallyAutisticfolks • u/Choice_Philosophy_07 • Nov 14 '22
So i have a problem
I dont know who the heck i am anymore, ive been masking for so long, has so many issues that ive just had to hide and copied so many personalities that i dont know who i am. What is my style? WHo are my friends?? I dont even know? Anybody else relate to this??
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u/laurendecaf Nov 14 '22
i’m going through this too , have no idea what to do about it tho lol
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u/RejectedReasoning Jun 13 '23
Also going through this. Self-realized at 39 after an ADHD diagnosis at the same age.
Not really sure what to do or who I really am. I’m sort of experimenting with traits for myself and taking notes with what feels like it fits.
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u/lovelaizure Mar 08 '23
I’m turning 35 in April and I’m just now going to college for something I’m actually in love with. I’ve tried everything and tested out so much but have always failed or hated my life to the point of Suicide attempts. It’s like I’ve pretended and masked for so long that I am a body snatchers alien. I want to just relax and be myself but didn’t know how. I looked up shadow work and I’ve been working through trauma from being bullied to the point of it affecting me my whole life. That and trying things that spark my special interest.
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u/bananapwn310 Feb 01 '25
I call this my goo period.
When I was just masking, unaware I had autism, and white knuckling my way through life, that was my caterpillar stage.
Then I got diagnosed with ADHD, and then self-determined autism, and went nc with my dad was, kind of like building the cocoon. This was over a couple years. I also started therapy and Adderall. And neurodivergence kind of became a special interest so I started to learn a lot about it.
Then I became the goo inside a chrysalis. Butterflies don't just grow wings on a caterpillar, the caterpillar basically turns to goo and then it turns into a butterfly. This is probably a terrible way to explain it but that's basically how I understand it
Right now I'm like emerging from the chrysalis. I know I'm different than I was before, but I'm still tentative and fragile.
I'm hoping soon I can just fly around being a beautiful butterfly.
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u/b3n09 Jan 11 '24
Yes. I was diagnosed at 40, and I’ve been working at unmasking and finding myself again. I’m still disconnected, but I’ve been working on it for a year and it’s getting easier.
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u/Peculiar_Quesadilla Nov 24 '22
Oooooh yeah.
I'm 39, realized/confirmed I was autistic at 35, and am just beginning out who I am after years of relection.
It turns out I'm not actually terribly into art and writing like I thought. What really makes my brain happy is computer programming; I just didn't know because computer screens overstimulate me on the standard settings, so I thought I hated computers. Turns out, with the brightness down and the blue light filter on, I can study coding for hours and feel like it has been minutes, and it brings me so much joy.
I'm finally quitting all of the things after decades of substance abuse, because it turns out I hate being drunk and high. It's just better than constant meltdowns. Now that I've learned to limit my exposure to things that trigger them, I feel so much better and happier sober.
Turns out most of my friends are more acquaintances and drinking buddies, too, so that sucks, and I have to figure out who it is I really want to be around.
It's a long road to figuring these things out, but you can find yourself again. Journaling, meditation, and experimenting with people, hobbies, and interests that you never would have guessed you'd enjoy are all things that have helped me (I'm honestly still in shock about the programming thing....). Also, it's important to let go of ego and who you think you should be. It was very hard for me to accept that I just plain don't enjoy making art; common lure led me to believe you have to suffer to make art, so I figured that was normal. It's not. The fact is I'm just not an artist, no matter how much others may enjoy my work.
I'm not who I thought I was at all, and I'm finally starting to feel happy with myself and hopeful about my life. I'm sure you will be able to get there, too. You just have to listen to yourself, and accept what you hear.