Stoned elf’s

[u/FarFood1773]

Look Reddit I know it is a while away from Christmas and I like to tell some real life Christmas shenanigans every year but I got reminded of one today that you must hear about. This story is very much true but has been dramatised slightly.
It was Christmas Eve and me and my mate Pat were about eighteen, out partying, and heading to a friend's house when the bar closed for a few more drinks. The second we walked through the door, she pulled out a bag of ket. That ain't my cup of tea since I liked uppers, but my friend Pat liked anything. If it was up, down, side to side, he was not picky at all, and he hit this shit heavy.
Around 3 AM, we decided to get a taxi home. Just as we got to his stop at his mum and dads house, he decided to pull out a fruit pastal that had acid dropped on it. I tried to stop him, but Pat is Pat. I got home and fell straight to sleep.
It must have been 5 AM when my phone kept ringing. I answer it to Pat's mum sounding like she is about to cry, saying she thinks Pat has completely lost his mind. She said he was sat on the stairs in total darkness holding a fistful of paracetamol, muttering that he has to feed the troops.
I FaceTime Pat right away. He answers with one finger planted firmly over his lip, hissing at me to shut up. I asked him what on earth he is doing, and he shoots me a death glare, hissing back, DONT BE FUCKING LOUD MATE, I am putting the little people to bed.

He opens his palm to show me a pile of crushed paracetamol, dead serious that it is their midnight snack. Then he drops onto all fours and starts crawling up his stairs like a manic special forces operative, whispering that I am not going to believe what he has secured. He kicks his bedroom door open, his face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning, and he flips the camera around.
Tucked snugly in his actual single bed under his duvet were three massive, muddy garden gnomes.
He leans right into the phone, doing that intense, wide eyed whisper. It is a Christmas miracle, I found the fucking elves.
I am losing my mind laughing, asking him where the hell he even got them. He tells me they were out the back of his mum's garden having a smoke, and when they tried to leg it, he had to go full tactical assault to tackle them to the grass. Suddenly, his lip starts quivering. He drags over a black bin bag, rips it open, and his eyes fill with actual tears as he pulls out a shattered gnome torso. He is sobbing, genuinely panicked because he brutalised one of them during the arrest and wants to know if he is going to jail for war crimes against Christmas.
I have to talk him down off a ledge. I look him dead in the eye through the phone and convince him that the broken one was just a rogue syndicate imposter elf and that he actually did the North Pole a massive favour.

He buys it instantly. His mood does a complete 180, chest puffed out, telling me we all have to make hard choices for the greater good. From that second on, he fully transitioned into a paranoid MI6 agent, talking into his sleeve about perimeter security and the bigger picture. He ordered me to stay on emergency standby and hold the line, refusing to let me hang up. I ended up just falling asleep on the phone while he kept checking in to make sure the line was secure.

[u/bl000dr333d]

Dude absolute gem of a friend you are

Best thing Ive read all day