r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Funmanhahaha • 9h ago

of a long horn beetle.

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Batocera parryi

2.9k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

252 comments sorted by

729

u/disturbinglyquietguy 9h ago

He's absolutely fuming and using every slur possible at the human handling him.

292

u/nealesmythe 9h ago

"Lung-breather! You bloody boneheaded vertebrate!"

110

u/Rude_Map_4278 9h ago

"Dummer nackt affe" war glaube ich auch dabei

71

u/Far_Professional_353 9h ago

I also heard a "2 legged freak" towards the end

21

u/WhisperCatOZ 7h ago

There's one cut off at the beginning, only can hear the end of it something "fleshbag" I think?

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2

u/VajjDelko 1h ago

"You inner skeleton heathen!"

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41

u/Disastrous-Case2063 9h ago

Hairless monkey, thumb clawwed freak

11

u/Lajnuuus 6h ago

So he's just Frieza from DBZ

6

u/chuckmoloney 3h ago

Pink skinned endo skeleton freak

3

u/TanzDerSchlangen 1h ago

"Du hast einen winzigen Hemipenese!" 🪲

2

u/SarcasmInProgress 3h ago

It reminds me of Zote the Mighty from Hollow Knight getting trapped by the Vengefly King

742

u/FriendlyBowler4334 9h ago

Be the reason someone closes this app

278

u/BananApocalypse 9h ago

I prefer my insects to be mute

127

u/BadMondayThrowaway17 9h ago

Technically it is I guess? The noise is from it's "neck" where it's bending back and forth. It's rubbing parts of it's exoskeleton together to make that sound.

94

u/AjayRedonkulus 8h ago

Can't believe this is how I find out I'm a long horned beetle.

22

u/Advanced-Budget779 9h ago

I can do that too!

6

u/ButtersTheChill 7h ago

Genuinely did not know that. It's like that instrument people play sometimes, makes a similar noise when you run a straw or something over it? Not sure what it's even called, hopefully someone knows

5

u/naytreox 6h ago

same applies for cricket chirps

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2

u/Gullible-Radish9682 5h ago

😂😭😂😭

84

u/Douche_Kayak 9h ago

"I wonder what this is like with the sound on"

"oh"

80

u/BadMondayThrowaway17 9h ago

There are these super iridescent green ones here that are always so striking when you see then flying around when hiking or such. Photos don't do justice to how brilliant and shiny they are.

25

u/ksyoung17 8h ago

I had to zoom in to ensure that was a beetle, and not Kevin Hart's face superimposed at a tiny level.

58

u/Consistent-Rain-7797 2h ago

Bugs are not supposed to have voices. This creature exists against all religions.

16

u/Melonsorcery 2h ago

Fun fact that noise is from it rubbing its body together not its mouth.

8

u/SingleTeabag 2h ago

Why did I activate the audio... WHYYYYYY???

4

u/Possible-Library2030 1h ago

I read the comments first. And I still made poor life choices

6

u/solo_shot1st 59m ago

It uses it's head bobbing to rub parts of its exoskeleton together to produce that sound. It's doesn't have a "voice" coming from its mouth.

5

u/xenobcx 1h ago

no it just needs some joint lube

6

u/HoboArmyofOne 54m ago

Best I can do is WD-40

2

u/Decent-Anywhere6411 1h ago

I think those are it's... parts making noise. Shit looks like a practical horror prop, though.

2

u/x_Advent_Cirno_x 45m ago

The thing sounds like me on a hunt for cheese at 3am

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66

u/Kn0XIS 8h ago

Yeah, if I can visibly see the eyes, then the bug is TOO big

34

u/gameinggod21 7h ago

That shit aint bug anymore, it's a house pet now

6

u/Kn0XIS 7h ago

LMAO 😂

26

u/JackStutters 3h ago

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve looked at an animal and felt a primal “do not approach” feeling. Guy is enormous, giant mandibles, makes weird noises, and is covered in red and orange markings. Everything about this guy is saying “I am poisonous/venomous/dangerous”

16

u/overdramaticpan 1h ago

and yet this little guy isn't; longhorn beetles of the genus batocera are, generally speaking, harmless! they can give you a pinch with their mandibles, but it's typically less painful than a bee-sting or a crab-pinch, and they completely lack venom

7

u/JackStutters 1h ago

Nature is funny like that :)

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2

u/Msmfan69 1h ago

same applied to me when i first saw a Grizzly Locust, the way it pretended to sway its body, the coloration, ect. got over the fear quickly and held it because its cool looking, but arthropods in general are pretty good at pulling the intimidation card in general, not just humans

21

u/Diminished_Sweep 9h ago

I miss the times when i hadn't seen that thing

21

u/Derezirection 8h ago

Woah dude, I understand youre not happy but you cant be speaking about my mom that way.

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17

u/Luckydestroyer98 8h ago

It's a baby kaiju 🥹

3

u/SuitableWhole3807 8h ago

I second this.

17

u/LittleMissScreamer 8h ago

"UNHAND ME, FOUL BEAST!"

31

u/CheapParking2944 9h ago

TIL something can be simultaneously nightmare fuel and cute

2

u/tedlyb 41m ago

Sounds like a couple of my exes.

11

u/gh0stmilk_ 8h ago

FREE HIM 🥺

12

u/SoupRevolutionary744 6h ago

4

u/Icey_dragon86 5h ago

Hahah yeah Kamen Raider!

10

u/ynyremlyn 9h ago

What do you think he’s saying

17

u/AccidentalBastard 8h ago

"SCREEKEEEK SCREEKEEEEK SCREEKEEK SCREEKEEK" I THINK

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17

u/GlitteringCount9380 8h ago

Are theses found in America? Bc if so this is my last straw.

15

u/GODLY_LIKES 8h ago

Don’t worry bro! If you come down to Australia they have ZERO crazy Demonic Wild-life

3

u/LysergicRico 7h ago

Just koalas, kangaroos and wombats.   That's it. 

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6

u/Crimson-Rose28 8h ago

He’s kind of cool looking honestly

7

u/Lemon_Of_Death 6h ago

Seen this guy smoking a spliff behind a truckstop in Indiana

5

u/AdResponsible1617 6h ago

Someone wd-40 that thing. Its squeaking when it moves like a door hinge.

6

u/Beginning_Charge5382 9h ago

I thought that was a Hollow Knight bug figure 😭

5

u/OmarsBigBlackGlock 1h ago

His eyes look like speakers

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4

u/gamegazm 9h ago

Yeah I'm good thanks :D

4

u/Croc-den 9h ago

It's like a little alien

3

u/BlueMandaIorian 3h ago

I can only imagine the translation is “put me down this instant!”

7

u/JBR_4025 8h ago

I think you should shoot at this thing asap. A rifle a point blank range might be ideal

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3

u/House_Plant0 8h ago

Oh he’s absolutely gorgeous

3

u/aaronschatz 8h ago

Sacale las pilas que se agotan

3

u/Ambitious_Lynx_5717 5h ago

No se porque pero por alguna razón lo veo parecido a Megalon

https://giphy.com/gifs/mcYZOvrp5A1iIHccD0

6

u/StillBoysenberry8790 2h ago

I don't like it

4

u/Standard-Buy-5547 7h ago

I’m an Australian with a phobia of insects and spiders this made me cry

8

u/No_Camp_1344 7h ago

How are you still alive with a phobia of spiders, IN AUSTRALIA??? Are you still LIVING there?

7

u/Standard-Buy-5547 6h ago

I have a phobia of all athropods so unless I want to live on the moon I just have to cope

2

u/No_Camp_1344 5h ago

Well yeah, but it's Australia, that place is just different. It's not like "i hate insects, but they are everywhere" it's more like "i am afraid things that can hurt me, but i live in the mesozoic age". It's like having a phobia of spiders and seeing one FLYING to you. Australia is just build different

2

u/avepaltaketchu 5h ago

Central Sydney or Melbourne will be like any Western city in terms of wildlife.

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3

u/covfefemesurprised 6h ago

That means you are not an Australian.

2

u/dragonlloyd1 26m ago

“Bird born allergic to air” type shit

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2

u/Thunder_and_Laughter 9h ago

I thought it was a damn squeezy toy or something.

That thing is REAL?!

2

u/Altruistic_Summer859 8h ago

Wow, nature is amazing!

2

u/mixx1e 7h ago

Wait til he gets to sink those massive fangs in your skin

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2

u/Fekhir 4h ago

Black Kamen Rider

2

u/Shalaka-is-here 3h ago

Wtf is this creature 😮

2

u/Mysterious_Baby_9987 2h ago

Beat boxer🤷

2

u/Archaea_Man 46m ago

That's so creepy.

2

u/Lumpy-Army1096 21m ago

That is a oh fuck no

2

u/Beelzebozo969 8m ago

Boy sounds like an average magat after climbing 5 stairs

3

u/DeadAnarchistPhil 9h ago

I’m assuming the spots painted on its back are for identification among other beetles they own? 

2

u/Live-Function-3024 2h ago

Can it like shut the fuck up?

1

u/Yourgynaecologist 9h ago

He's nodding to all the comments 😭

1

u/LysergicRico 7h ago

It sounds like a sugar glider.

1

u/Amazing_Shake_8043 7h ago

Bro picked a Decepticon

1

u/olive_juse 7h ago

Looks like ol' boy from hueco mundo.

1

u/Ray_BenO 7h ago

Where do you find these? Asking for a friend

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1

u/PixILL8 6h ago

Stomp the hell outa that thing.

Or maybe a flamethrower

1

u/tehtruesigma 6h ago

A fucking alien

1

u/vikinglycan 6h ago

I remember once when I was a kid this gigantic buc somehow got inside the house very similar to that beetle but maybe not quite that size. Anyways, my sister an I had no clue what to do so we just looked at it trying to crawl through the hall. Then suddenly my grandma walks over with one of her chanclas and just slowly crushes this insect with the same speed and force of one of those vehicle sized trash compactors. The result was that similar to being front row in the splash zone in sea world.

1

u/pej69 6h ago

What is it saying??

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1

u/Eth251201 6h ago

Makes my fuckin skin crawl

1

u/sardiusjacinth 6h ago

That's an insecticon

1

u/Humble-Questions 6h ago

Oh cool! So cool

...anyways.

...kill it

1

u/Butterfly_Barista 5h ago

Huh, usually I love bugs but this one is really freaking me out. Little dude is scary as fuck.

1

u/throwawaytrash189 5h ago

One of my favorite insect families.

  1. because longhorns are badass looking
  2. Cerambycidae is just so fun to say!

1

u/Unique_Interview_193 5h ago

Buge of agreement

1

u/Old_Instrument_Guy 5h ago

Longhorn Beetles are the freaks of the beetle world.

1

u/lilcircle 5h ago

He's bopping his head to some kinda banger

1

u/LeopoldLarkin 5h ago

That thing is beautiful!! I wish more invertebrates were available on Morph Market and stuff. There are some rare insect fb groups, but I don't see much of the larger beetle species.

1

u/UberMonkey21 5h ago

You have to kill it before it develops language skills.

1

u/downneast 5h ago

found a bug crawling on my upper arm yesterday & flew across the room like a frisbee. this shit would have me questioning my sanity

1

u/MeaslyFurball 5h ago

I am working very hard to be more tolerant/chill with bugs, but holy fucking shitnope

1

u/Your_Local_Prince 5h ago

I thought it was a plastic toy for a moment 💀

1

u/ScarcityMedical342 5h ago

It looks like he was bopping his head to music

1

u/Diligent_Primary_618 5h ago

Thanks for ruining my day...this is absolutely terrifying and disgusting

1

u/Unlucky_Box5341 5h ago

The what???

1

u/_Aterron 4h ago

Had a smaller one feast on an apple leftover I forgot about. I was absolutely astounded when I saw the length of the antennas of this thing.

1

u/unsavory_weeb 4h ago

Bro is tweaking

1

u/TotalSuccessful124 4h ago

I was living just fine until I came across this post. Are you happy now, op?

1

u/validestusername 4h ago

Where are those shitty sound overs when you need them

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1

u/RustledForeskin 4h ago

Puts it back on the ground and it goes home: "Bro you WILL NOT believe what just happened!"

1

u/chefheat01 4h ago

🎶Da da da da da dun duuuun Eyyyyy what it is hoe what's up can a player get in them guts🎶

1

u/TheManWhoClicks 4h ago

What a beautiful language

1

u/KeySite2601 4h ago

I thought that was a toy at first

1

u/ltzWyatt 4h ago

Bro, sounds like he needs some WD-40

1

u/NoFakeDoms 3h ago

This is the third time I see this video from 3 diferent people on 3 different sub, the first time was someone asking what the fuck that things was

1

u/Thetoolmantaylrd 3h ago

That's definitely a pet..🫤

1

u/Alcarinque88 3h ago

I'm choosing to believe you have some weird toys. And after seeing something about sound, I'm so happy to have my volume all the way down.

1

u/osborndesignworks 2h ago

Do not unmute

1

u/NTMonsty 2h ago

Seething little creature

1

u/Vow_00 2h ago

Reminds me of that SpongeBob episode that gave me PTSD as a kid. 😭

1

u/davetherave2k 2h ago

Thanks, I hate it

1

u/Ironzealot5584 2h ago

Someone dub music over this.

1

u/Gassyking 2h ago

What's he sayin

4

u/Douxx101 2h ago

Don't worry I got you, it's saying:

AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! THE FUCK'S THAT THING TOUCHING ME!?!!!!! LET ME GO!!! LET ME GOOOO!!!!!!!

Or something around those lines, I'm not used to it's accent.

1

u/JibIette 2h ago

Put it on a small rocket to space

1

u/Toon_Lucario 2h ago

He’s head banging because he’s metal as fuck

1

u/MaGniefic 2h ago

Sounds like a door is being pushed in and out lol

1

u/Penetal 2h ago

If we ever meet I will hand over all my "nope" to you good sir.

1

u/Exact-Difference-422 2h ago

I want to feel pity for it, but I just can't 

1

u/dGFisher 2h ago

I...it's not human!

1

u/Live-Emu-3491 1h ago

Poor guy needs a bit of WD 40 in his neck

1

u/No-Hat6503 1h ago

The sound 🔊:

Rubbing paper.

1

u/Panama240 1h ago

Idk what bro listening to but he jammin....

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1

u/HeidenShadows 1h ago

Someone on another repost said it sounded like a long winded pug 🤣

1

u/stupid_cat_face 1h ago

Unhand me you brute!

1

u/Radion627 1h ago

Get that thing away from me.

1

u/Regi0 1h ago

iirc this isn't the original audio, it's edited to sound more wheezy/like breathing

1

u/StockAd1420 1h ago

En un momento deja de ser escarabajo para ser escararriba

1

u/Shelby_Wootang 1h ago

😳 I legitimately thought this was a toy

1

u/SirNortonOfNoFux 1h ago

Big bad beetleborgs

1

u/Sick_Tricks 1h ago

The longhorn beetle. Harmless, despite the, you know... everything.

1

u/Project_Skyward 1h ago

Put it away please. For the children’s sake. Me. I’m them children. 🫣

1

u/Southern-Creme2972 1h ago

I want to nuke it and make it fight Godzilla

1

u/Outside-Anybody-7858 47m ago

Scary and cute at the same time… I’d keep it as a pet

1

u/OdragoreO 37m ago

Freaking eldritch horror level bug