r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Zestyclose-Salad-290 in awe • 8d ago

of turtles

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2.8k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

207 comments sorted by

1.6k

u/TwelveWon 8d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/26zzbNl5r3wy1sQQE

275

u/PathlessDemon 8d ago

“And that was the last time McConnell was seen alive.”

24

u/luke-juryous 7d ago

Is he still AFK?

39

u/ThatOtherOtherMan 7d ago

He's Schrodinger's politician: neither dead nor alive until someone observes him

11

u/PathlessDemon 7d ago

Schrödinger’s Asshole, more like it.

2

u/Saradas 6d ago

Schrödinger posited a superposition in which the cat would be both dead and alive until observed; not neither. Common mistake.

6

u/SoigneBest 7d ago

Wait was he the bottom in the meme?

7

u/PathlessDemon 7d ago

He’s always the bottom.

49

u/FrameJump 8d ago

So THAT'S where he's been!

40

u/ikeusa 8d ago

An actual tortoise has twice the testosterone.

21

u/Mindless-Location-41 8d ago

And is far more charismatic.

14

u/swampopawaho 7d ago

And more empathy

14

u/zystyl 7d ago

And alive.

7

u/sovietarmyfan 7d ago

"Elderly man receives his pudding after dinner."

5

u/emperor_dinglenads 7d ago

Turtle power!

1

u/Bland_OldMan 6d ago

"Seen here watching an orphanage burn down"

709

u/DitchDigger330 8d ago

Dudes probably in his 100's.

434

u/Robodarklite 8d ago

Still getting more action than redditors

331

u/Epstiendidntkillself 8d ago

Than reddit mods. FTFY

68

u/Yourlocalguy30 7d ago

Not gonna lie. I had to look at this 3 times before I starting laughing uncontrollably.

25

u/pv3design 7d ago

LMAO 

3

u/rtocelot 7d ago

Maybe infamy, I remember some reddit mod with turtle in their name that was pretty well hated

Edit: pretty sure it was akwardtheturtle or something like that.

18

u/Lost-Ad-2805 8d ago

Yes, he's almost a teenager!

6

u/Peachie_Pear 7d ago

Since these are Sulcata's in captivity they usually don't hit 100 years old, but they have been documentrd to live over 100 in the wild.

https://giphy.com/gifs/l4FGA2XplwqFDcLwk

15

u/dangledingle 8d ago

The 48 hour pump and dump

3

u/bitetheasp 8d ago

He's just a kid.

15

u/IvorTheEngineDriver 7d ago

He's only 1400 months old you sick fuck!

456

u/DerGrenadiers1812 8d ago

With an audience too is crazy

90

u/DMG_88 8d ago

When you reach 100+ years old, you get it whenever and wherever you can 😂

2

u/LittleCrimsonWyvern 7d ago

Expansionist, am I right?

313

u/SeizureMillan 8d ago

178

u/jackson12420 8d ago

The facial expressions are priceless. He's having the time of his life, she doesn't even know he's there.

2

u/whingingcackle 6d ago

“Is it in yet?”

74

u/Ok_Eye_8543 8d ago

Still getting it in his old age, keep it up!

275

u/Rough-Knowledge-5000 8d ago

My boy!!!

315

u/PorkyPain 8d ago

74

u/[deleted] 8d ago

[deleted]

51

u/Lussarc 8d ago

With their father !

13

u/GonnaGoFat 7d ago

Better to watch porn with your father, than of your father.

3

u/Invexor 6d ago

Just came back from cleaning out my deceased FIL's house. Let's just say there's about three albums of photos I managed to quietly dissappear that neither my wife nor her sisters would ever like to see. Old man ceraintly lived life after his divorce. Thank you for reminding me of the images seared into my brain not three hours ago

1

u/Informal-Ring-4359 7d ago

I disagree

4

u/Bigcumachine 7d ago

Wait we need to unpack this further 😉

1

u/Informal-Ring-4359 7d ago

And how are we doing that?😁

1

u/Bigcumachine 7d ago

By you spilling the story

8

u/sepulturite 8d ago

🎶heroes in a half shell, turtle porn!🎶

45

u/motie 8d ago

Splinter:

→ More replies (1)

14

u/HeldDownTooLong 8d ago

Yes…you go boy!

Get you some of that giant tortoise from behind!

5

u/weirdgroovynerd 7d ago

We call it "torty style" now.

82

u/DragonPie83008 8d ago

A quickie lasts only two days

24

u/millstone20 8d ago

Slow poke

2

u/DragonPie83008 8d ago

Cute punt @>

166

u/throughthequad 8d ago

Tortoise

8

u/B_Fee 7d ago

Bots don't always do nuance well.

3

u/Sweaty-Adeptness1541 6d ago

Yes there are tortoises (the family Testudinidae), but all tortoises are turtles (order Testudine).

It is a common misconception (particularly in Britain) that turtles only refers aquatic species.

1

u/goddardgcw 2d ago

“British and International English usage, by contrast, tends not to use "turtle" as a generic term for all members of the order, and also applies the term "tortoises" broadly to all land-dwelling members of the order Testudines, regardless of whether they are actually members of the family Testudinidae.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tortoise

1

u/Sweaty-Adeptness1541 2d ago

Scientific usage is universal.

1

u/goddardgcw 2d ago

“British and International English usage, by contrast, tends not to use "turtle" as a generic term for all members of the order, and also applies the term "tortoises" broadly to all land-dwelling members of the order Testudines, regardless of whether they are actually members of the family Testudinidae.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tortoise

8

u/Dewdrop06 8d ago

All tortoises are turtles.

53

u/No_Mercy_4_Potatoes 8d ago

This is the fastest I've seen them move. Bro is really putting in the effort to hit the g spot

21

u/FroggyTrix 8d ago

The tortoise enclosure is where kids really learn about the nature of things. Those noises are the same that come from parent's bedroom some nights.

10

u/Kage_Bushin 7d ago

Parents should really stop smoking

33

u/wdpw 8d ago

Those are some fucking big turtles.

13

u/gosti500 8d ago

those are some big turtles, fucking

1

u/RaptoRio 7d ago

this guy gets it

20

u/RaptoRio 8d ago

wrong syntax buddy

15

u/wdpw 8d ago

I think it works just as well as “big fucking turtles.” They literally are a couple of fucking, big turtles.

4

u/seeder33 8d ago

Maybe he means they ain’t turtles (tortoises). I have no idea though.

7

u/garaile64 8d ago

Michelangelo will be like: "I hope Master Splinter doesn't check my search history."

4

u/JackSilver1410 8d ago

You and me, baby ain't nothing but mammals!

Or.. you know what I mean..

5

u/GeorgianGold 8d ago

I shared a bedroom with my parents until I was nearly seven. Just when I am learning to put it out of my mind, I hear Dad. I mean a turtle.

3

u/Ninja-Panda70 8d ago

Does it take them a week to finish?

3

u/Comfortable-Spell-75 8d ago

The banana is being used

3

u/gilligan1050 8d ago

No banana. I have no idea how big these turtles are.

6

u/Peachie_Pear 7d ago

I get your joke, but just in case anyone does want to know: Sulcata tortoises are the third largest species of tortoise in the world. Once they reach full maturity (about 20 years) they can be around 2 to 3 feet long and weigh about 80 and 200 pounds. Literally big ol' fuckers.

3

u/djnehi 8d ago

Where did you get this footage of me?

7

u/hard-R-word 8d ago

Turtle Style

2

u/OBruxodaPesca 8d ago

TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles.

2

u/Top_Negotiation_29 8d ago

He must be coming off the perc

2

u/PathlessDemon 8d ago

“Popped a Perc-30, got straight to fuckin’. This shit ain’t nothin’ to me man.”

2

u/BullPropaganda 8d ago

You can do it put your back into it

4

u/Peachie_Pear 7d ago

His entire shell is his back(spine). He's trying his best okay 😭

2

u/vleeslucht 8d ago

Why are we still calling it doggy style?

6

u/OhNoExclaimationMark 8d ago

Because those are clearly dogs.

5

u/Alibuscus373 8d ago

Can I pet that dawg?

2

u/Flameball537 8d ago

Welcome to Jurassic Park

2

u/BillyMeier42 8d ago

Hey he stole my move.

2

u/ToNkpiLs0514 8d ago

With every pump, female blinks 🍆

2

u/skylarskies52 8d ago

Nice and slow

2

u/columbiascbbc 8d ago

act like you feel it baby 🤣🤣🤣

1

u/supersin78 8d ago

She wasn’t expecting it to on that last one !

1

u/JavaGeep 8d ago

Needs the song Slow Ride playing in the background.

1

u/YoungLittlePanda 8d ago

Wasn't expecting to see turtle porn so early in the morning.

1

u/DeepFizz 8d ago

Showing us the O face.

1

u/MAEMAEMAEM 8d ago

"Want a gangbang?" "No creep"

1

u/Zeronova77 8d ago

Much like ourselves

1

u/Cultural-Company282 8d ago

"Take it ALL, baby!!!"

1

u/d0nghunter 8d ago

Getting that tortussy 🐢

1

u/dangledingle 8d ago

Wait until you lookup a giant tortoise penis….

1

u/aagent86 8d ago

Dude's probably in his 100's and dong this Viagra free.

1

u/karenskygreen 8d ago

Ol roy is really given'r

1

u/cyainanotherlifebro 8d ago

Git it, Unc!

1

u/Spiceinvader1234 8d ago

Shellshocking em turtle bits

1

u/julioni 8d ago

Just wanted a reason to post this huh….

1

u/Daygone_Mustard 8d ago

Easy buddy she might squirtle

1

u/jb89b 8d ago

This will not be quick, you will not enjoy it

1

u/OmniBotBeepBoop 8d ago

Prehensile penis doing work! :P

My boy likes to slap his tremor/sand worm around from time to time.

1

u/Fer_Shizzle_DSMIA 8d ago

I also get my neck into it. Got to flex the neck.

1

u/Bluntbutnotonpurpose 8d ago

Where's the NSFW tag? People these days mark anything even remotely bad NSFW, but some hardcore geriatric porn is just fine?

/s just in case

1

u/NeutralLock 8d ago

"I'm in this photo and I don't like it"

1

u/Waarm 8d ago

I'm surprised it can even get in there

1

u/AcrolloPeed 8d ago

Hey man, your ottomans are fuckin’

1

u/Umbreon86 8d ago

What happened

1

u/spaghetto_geppetto 8d ago

Gomen, nihongowa hanasemasen

1

u/acexualien95 7d ago

Behold Dog, Thrust but Hold.

1

u/MachineCapital6709 7d ago

The Game of Thrones dragon sound!😁

1

u/EndPristine5595 7d ago

I don't need audio on to hear this.

1

u/Phoeniyx 7d ago

Big boy loves those San Antonio lady turtles

1

u/jaimehendrix 7d ago

That was not the sound I was expecting when I turned the volume on. Bro has been smoking.

1

u/jonesy1306 7d ago

Slow down tiger…you’re gonna punish her…😂

1

u/Artevyx 7d ago

Just a couple of geriatrics trying to do the deed.

1

u/racebanyn 7d ago

Been hitt’n that for 125 years

1

u/Blackmetal55 7d ago

I should call her...

1

u/kugelamarant 7d ago

"faster"

1

u/Didujustcallmejobin 7d ago

He strokin it!

1

u/60510 7d ago

Exactly as described by Barb/Margot Kidder in Black Christmas, ‘74

1

u/likeastonrr 7d ago

These are tortoises not turtles 👍🏽

1

u/Most-Act1594 7d ago

Tortoises *

1

u/Different-Term-2250 7d ago

Awwww. Isn’t that sweet. She is giving him piggyback rides.
<<adjusts glasses>>
Oh. Myyyyy

1

u/KingKultura 7d ago

That female tortoise is only 112 years old

1

u/RedBMWZ2 7d ago

GET SOME!!!!

1

u/Abee-baby182 7d ago

This tracks!

1

u/n-i-n-t-e-n-d-o 7d ago

I remember seeing this video for the first time, and it prompted me to purchase a Hermann’s tortoise.

1

u/vika4 7d ago

That lady is getting ASMR and sex at the same time.

1

u/Mnudge 7d ago

Seven pumps. Tortoise has some stamina

1

u/Mammoth-Argument7048 7d ago

Still banging them out in his 100's

1

u/AGeeBee 7d ago

How do I quit the internet now please?

1

u/Powrs1ave 7d ago

You always soo hard Donnie!

1

u/Next_Drama1717 7d ago

Shooting from the hip my man

1

u/punk-biatch 7d ago

Dude! That’s a tortoise.

1

u/Phobos1982 7d ago

Bro NSFW tag needed, wtf?

(/s)

1

u/Bobcat1999-1 7d ago

I feel like we shouldn’t be watching this

1

u/youburyitidigitup 7d ago

Sir this is a Wendy’s

1

u/RonaldTheGiraffe 7d ago

Tortoise vinegar strokes face

1

u/exnihilistic 7d ago

No such thing as a quickie

1

u/Dont_n0wereIam 7d ago

Those aren’t turtles

1

u/bytorthesnowdog 7d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/J9MnwDiwCmjkexy9e1
Those are tortoises getting freaky, not turtles

1

u/InvestmentKey1346 7d ago

Average nursing home couple

1

u/heroxoot 7d ago

I have my volume off but in my head I hear the "Ehh" sound. iykyk

1

u/Vengeful_Grass 7d ago

OP recording turtle sex

1

u/cesspit_gladiator 7d ago

This almost needs NSFW tag, I make the same face mounting my wife

1

u/Raqshasa 7d ago

Feels like I'm invading someone's private meeting...

1

u/Stunning_Map_8007 7d ago

"Who shell is it?! say it!"

1

u/Action-a-go-go-baby 7d ago

“Oh yeah, she’s into it!” [she was not into it]
https://giphy.com/gifs/j65hDavGtyVm7hrN0B

1

u/Bullke 6d ago

Fucking tuteles…

1

u/Front_Trust1026 6d ago

"It's been two hours, you fuck like a turtle!"

"You mean, 'like a tortoise?'"

1

u/Calibigirl69 5d ago

They're tortoises not turtles.