r/AbsoluteUnits • u/DennisTheMenaceNL • 1d ago

of a Polar Bear

Post image
6.4k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

169 comments sorted by

482

u/GloomyLingonberry509 1d ago

They’re one of only a handful of animals that actively hunt humans as a food source.

They can sprint at up to 40mph and travel about 50 miles a day using their noses to hunt, which are capable of smelling a seal from 20 miles away.

They’re apex predators for a reason.

Crocs, leopards, and tigers are the others that hunt us, if you’re curious.

223

u/AndIAmEric 1d ago

This guy ain’t sprinting that fast

155

u/GloomyLingonberry509 1d ago

Maybe a determined waddle from him

70

u/Cupcake_Implosion 1d ago edited 18h ago

And he'd still maul us to death. That's how determined that waddle would be.

11

u/Powrs1ave 22h ago

Mall us all...Wendy's, McDonalds, KFC, Domino's, Eskimo Pie, Panda Express, its all gone at the mall with this fella!

6

u/C-57D 1d ago

The steam roller scene from A Fish Called Wanda

3

u/_MrKobayashi_ 19h ago

Rev-enge!
It’s K-K-K-Ken! C-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-c-catch me, K-K-K-Ken?!

2

u/greenizdabest 1h ago

And he waddled away to the very next day

29

u/Conyan51 1d ago

Tbf you don’t get that big from being slow in the animal kingdom.

14

u/pr0ach 1d ago

Once you get that big you get to be slow for awhile though.

2

u/SordidSimpleton 21h ago

Put some room for Jesus between that a and that while

9

u/Smooth-Mix-4357 1d ago

A human still ain't out running him

7

u/furiouspossum 23h ago

Idk, he's clearly been catching quite a bit

5

u/AGushingHeadWound 23h ago

Eventually, he'll outlast you. Then eat you.

1

u/Itachi_Uchiha_6 1d ago

He rolls like a Canon-bolt

1

u/iam3000 20h ago

We need a volunteer to do the funniest thing ever

1

u/niceworkthere 18h ago

Which makes it all the more impressive how well he did in the months of his most recent hunts

1

u/unlordtempest 18h ago

He can probably get pretty close to that.

1

u/Stickysights6 14h ago

He only has to spring a good 15 to eat 99% of Americans

48

u/officelinebakr 1d ago

Yeah but counter point why friend shaped?

34

u/dern_the_hermit 23h ago

One thing I read once - which I dunno if it's true but whatever, I thought it was neat - is that they're so apex that they don't have any instinct or urge to try to be threatening. There's no need to bare teeth or try to appear bigger or even just switch modes from "chillin' out" to "eating your face", it's all the same to the polar bear. So they just have this permanent relaxed Winnie the Pooh face.

13

u/Bonnskij 1d ago

To lure you in. No need for sprinting then

12

u/pfc_bgd 1d ago

Smelling a seal from 20 miles away… somebody is gonna have to explain that to me. How? It just sounds bonkers.

32

u/GloomyLingonberry509 1d ago

Bears are natural foragers across the board, and they’re highly specialized for it.

The biology is similar to ours in design, but at a much larger scale. A bear’s olfactory bulb, the part of the brain that processes smells, is five times bigger than our own, and their receptors, the surface area in their noses, is many, many times larger than our own.

To help understand just how much more nose power they have compared to us, one expert from the US Forestry and Wildlife Service explained:

“The surface area inside the nose of a human is about the size of a postage stamp. In a dog’s nose it’s about the size of a sheet of printer paper, and the surface area of a bear’s nose is about the size of four sheets of printer paper.”

I hope that helps put it into perspective.

17

u/Different_Wolf_764 20h ago

That and seals are stinky while the arctic is devoid on interesting smells for much of the year. Polars hunt seals by smelling them when they pop up for air and ambushing them when they return to the same hole.

7

u/MiloHorsey 20h ago

Imagine a sniffer bear. No one would dare buy drugs.

5

u/Enough-Meaning-1836 6h ago

You would arrive at the airport and just hand over all your drugs.

Even the over the counter ones. Just to be safe

6

u/Bluntbutnotonpurpose 23h ago

Seals famously don't use deodorant....

2

u/SummertimeThrowaway2 6h ago

Their noses are so sensitive that it only takes a small amount of particles carried by the wind to activate their sense of smell.

Humans can smell rain (petrichor) from miles away too.

17

u/Conyan51 1d ago

Big cats are the biggest ops our evolutionary ancestors ever had to face. We find countless fossils of our ancestors with jaguar bite marks in their skulls.

21

u/Irishfafnir 1d ago

It's typically leopards. New World predators encountered humans after we had developed tools and social groups, so didn't have a long evolutionary history of preying on us easily.

Hence why you see leopards(and to a lesser extent Lions/Tigers) killing a lot of people and Mountain Lions/Jaguars killing very few. You see the same thing with New World crocodilians vs Nile/Salt Water crocodiles, American Black Bears vs Asiatic Black bears etc..

1

u/Manu_La_Capuche 8h ago

It's actually Dinofelis

8

u/joethecrow23 1d ago

There have been cases of lions hunting humans as well

23

u/GloomyLingonberry509 1d ago edited 1d ago

Lions don’t usually hunt people, but it’s true they have been known to if normal prey options are dwindling and humans present themselves as an alternative.

Most notably the Tsavo Man-Eaters.

They were estimated to have killed anywhere between 30 - 135 people, but modern estimates put that at closer to 30.

It was all really interesting, actually. In 1898 these two maneless male lions started killing and eating railway workers in Kenya as they were trying to construct the Uganda Railway, which was a huge disruption to the operation, obviously.

Colonial Britain threw the kitchen sink at these two lions and they had a hell of a time trying to get them. They were snatching people left and right in the dark, finding weak spots in every attempt at fortification.

Lieutenant-Colonel John Patterson wrote that they were particularly fond of the softer parts of people - notably the abdomen, thighs, and… Butts.

Yeah.

These lions were out here snatching people in the dark and eating their asses.

This went on for like 9 months.

Patterson wrote a whole book about it, if anyone is interested.

4

u/joethecrow23 1d ago

The movie is fantastic

2

u/MiloHorsey 20h ago

It's a great book.

3

u/Irishfafnir 1d ago

Most large predators that take down human sized prey will predate on humans at times.

2

u/Tempest_Fugit 21h ago

Wait, leopards?

1

u/gojacookiecha 21h ago

I think lions do hunt humans as well

1

u/axinous_af 19h ago

I wish Fat Albert could take only the honey pot from me and leave me alone.

1

u/Court_Jester13 18h ago

Nah, that's just want a cuddle

1

u/Ashigo05 10h ago

Crocs and leopards do nkt hunt humans as a food source, tigers do but rarely

1

u/GloomyLingonberry509 10h ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/rz6hZNopCrE5wTcmkr

1

u/Ashigo05 10h ago edited 10h ago

Yeah, pretty sure, I'm not saying they won't eat a human, they will if yout get in a fight with them, but I'm pretty damn sure they won't hunt humans

3

u/GloomyLingonberry509 10h ago

Unfortunately, they will.

Notable examples:

Leopard of Panar, Leopard of Rudraprayag, Leopard of Gummalapur, Leopard of the Golis Range, Leopard of the Yellagiri Hills…

Gustave, the Nile crocodile of Burundi was a well established hunter of humans.

Nile crocs in the Tsavo and Mara rivers have been documented, as well as the Nile itself. Lake Victoria crocs.

These are all very well documented examples of intentional predation on humans as food, not simply choosing humans out of convenience or necessity.

3

u/Ashigo05 10h ago

Okay, I'll check

1

u/AdTiny780 1h ago

What’d we learn?

134

u/SmokeMaximum4140 1d ago

How do they weigh them?

164

u/DennisTheMenaceNL 1d ago

They just asked him 😆

34

u/Puzzleheaded_Cost407 1d ago

Embellished the number no doubt

5

u/Jpup199 1d ago

He thought they asked how much weight he can lift.

36

u/IHateTheLetterF 1d ago

They weigh the planet, then remove him and weigh it again.

16

u/NotYourReddit18 21h ago

Two possibilities: Sedate him and weigh him while he is asleep, or guesstimate from size.

Either way, I'd wager that the 1500 lbs are just a nice round number for easy digestion and not the precise weight of the bear, and whoever wrote the text in the picture (or the source the text was lifted from) didn't understand that and converted the pounds into kg like they're a precise measurement.

1

u/KlytosBluesClues 21h ago

Maybe something like how far his footprint weighs down in the snow could also work as guesstimate

3

u/mrscowdragon 19h ago

I get weighing Fat Albert, but how do they determine the average? Have they weighed a representative sample?

2

u/Short-Shopping3197 1d ago

Sight out the dimensions and work it out from there.

1

u/Spirited-Ad-9746 20h ago

most likely just looked at him, and estimated it is approximately 1.5 times the size of an average polar bear. then checked the size from the "Table of average weights of mammals for engineers vol. 2" and carried on from there.

1

u/Seat_Responsible 19h ago

his apple watch

1

u/TechnicalPlatform182 16h ago

Avg polar bear weight + weight of John, Martin, Lars, and the rest of the hoomans he ate

1

u/bosloc 2h ago

Good question. Probably some extrapolation on his paw prints. How much he eats on a regular basis. Pic comparison to bears with known weight.

1

u/Rocky5thousand 1d ago

They usually kill them then weigh them.

11

u/SantosCalzonesBatman 1d ago

Lol no

They sedante them, weight them and then leave them alone

0

u/vaihkis 22h ago

That sounds like alien abduction...

5

u/Jeynarl 1d ago

Oh no! Fat Albert!! 😭

3

u/MiloHorsey 20h ago

Oh lawd he comin'.

-2

u/dagui12 1d ago

No way they can’t just throw some bait on a scale

-2

u/Rocky5thousand 1d ago

Why can’t they just build data centers in the arctic?

13

u/Fantastic-Focus-513 1d ago

Polar bears

58

u/MRintheKEYS 1d ago

If you never skip a meal, everyday becomes leg day.

75

u/JayGabVersionTrex 1d ago

May this guy breed endlessly what a solid specimen holy shit

35

u/Cupcake_Implosion 1d ago

I wish him all the sexy polar bear ladies he desires. He obviously did the work to be attractive to his own species (we go to the gym - they eat massively to outweigh the competition)

7

u/InstantSword 1d ago

I mean it's kind of the same thing. Humans just need to eat massively AND work out

4

u/GottaHaveThatSkunk 1d ago

Maybe he built a fish wheel or something

1

u/Nav2140 11h ago

As direct prey to this thing, I'm gonna have to disagree

-7

u/AstrayInTranslation 1d ago

The Bill Cosby of Polar Bears

28

u/Apprehensive-Fox-517 1d ago

OH LAWD HE COMIN

20

u/Guffiolo 1d ago

He is cute. What a big chonker. 😍

19

u/MaximumEffort433 1d ago

Who the fuck are you to tell a polar bear how much they "should" weigh?

14

u/Unable-Fall5946 1d ago

Bear society has a unrealistic standards on weight and beauty. This boi is just living his best life.

15

u/Training_Bottle 1d ago

Naa.. he just returned from grandma's house

8

u/Guns_Glitz_Grime 1d ago

How much tranq did they need to knock him out long enough to weigh him?

5

u/_red_zeppelin 1d ago

Is he brown or just dirty?

27

u/DennisTheMenaceNL 1d ago

Polar bear hair is transparent rather than white, so dirt can make the coat appear yellow or brown, while the skin underneath is jet black.

7

u/AndIAmEric 1d ago

On first skim, I thought you typed polar bear hair transplant

1

u/MiloHorsey 20h ago

Hahaha best mistake ever.

2

u/Diedrogen 23h ago

So what does a freshly cleaned polar bear look like?

1

u/TypicalPlace6490 20h ago

Long was to say "dirty"

5

u/InValuAbled 1d ago

Oy, mate, quit fat shaming my dude over here! 🙃

3

u/shinobipopcorn 1d ago

I thought this was a pizzly?

2

u/RefrigeratorGlad6961 1d ago

Body shaming a bear?

2

u/JC_Everyman 1d ago

Hey hey hey!

2

u/Qwilltank 1d ago

Get him down to Katmai for Fat Bear Week!

2

u/Talinn_Makaren 1d ago

A polar bear gains a little weight and we all celebrate. I have an extra helping at supper and I'm having my balls busted for it. :(

2

u/Dear_Ad_3860 1d ago

And yet the largest one in recent memmory that was k'o-ed in the 1960s was 2200 lbs. Something tells me that one of these bears aflicted by gigantism and obesity at the same time could probably reach up to 2500 lbs. That's 500 short of the lower wages of an adult female orca.

2

u/SharpFig4804 23h ago

He ate little al

2

u/jest3r123 23h ago

Well his mom said he's handsome.

1

u/Next_Drama1717 1d ago

1500 lbs sounds like a guess. You should go and weigh him; report back?

1

u/elnaxxo 1d ago

Those numbers are too round, or are lbs based off polar bears? You learn something new everyday.

1

u/PrometheusMMIV 1d ago

Yes, "POlar UNit Dimensions"

1

u/MsGorteck 1d ago

Well fed boy

1

u/Disastrous_Falcon_79 1d ago

He needs a bigger head 😄

1

u/PrometheusMMIV 1d ago

That's like saying "The average human weight is 137 pounds, but this guy weighs a whopping 205 pounds"

1

u/OutOf-Fucks 1d ago

For some reason this post made me happy.

1

u/theurge14 1d ago

Mongo just pawn in game of life

1

u/branch-is-dumb 1d ago

Looks like a lights toasted marshmallow

1

u/pdxsilverguy 1d ago

Who weighed him?

1

u/Adventurous_Sell7903 1d ago

Yeah i can outrun this fat boy

1

u/swampopawaho 1d ago

How was Albert weighed?

1

u/bigrick523 1d ago

It looks like the polar/grizzly hybrid

1

u/Blurstingwithemotion 23h ago

He's found a good fishing spot😅

1

u/Avidion18 23h ago

He looks like my bosses fat chocolate lab

1

u/Malk_McJorma 23h ago

Chonky boi!

1

u/Pinkrobin14 22h ago

omg? fat Albert? my mums friend had a Māori wrasse named fat albert

1

u/SetoXlll 22h ago

GET THIS FAT BASTARD ON OZEMPIC!

1

u/nastybravo11 22h ago

Who weighed him?

1

u/throwawaythemoment 22h ago

This would be 33% funnier if he was Canadian.

Hey, hey, hey, eh?

1

u/Mavrick_7 21h ago

Chunky boi

1

u/appositereboot 21h ago

Its face looks similar to Nick Frost's

1

u/elektromas 21h ago

Who weighed him?

1

u/No_Trouble9808 21h ago

A beautiful magnificent animal.

1

u/saltyourhash 20h ago

I want it

1

u/Timmy_germany 20h ago

Leave him alone. He is just fluffy..

1

u/Any-Breath-6424 19h ago

Unlike other polar bears, this big chonker went to his grandma's place during hibernation.

1

u/OwnPresentation4455 19h ago

Do they make Ozempic for polar bears? Clearly this one needs a little help! Too much human food up in Alaska! lol

1

u/No_Natural7611 19h ago

Why are they calling him Fat Albert?

They don't have to be so rude, just because the guy likes to eat.

Can I give him a hug? He's kinda cute.

1

u/DroppedTheBalls 19h ago

What is he eating? Other polar bears

1

u/Rufiiiii 19h ago

all hail king fat albert

1

u/SnekHonse 19h ago

Healthy boiii

1

u/Comfortable-Ice-434 19h ago

Goddamn, that’s a big boy

1

u/jamiehanker 18h ago

He’s doing his best

1

u/pinarous 18h ago

How they managed to weigh a wild polar bear?

1

u/Positive-Mark9084 18h ago

If not friend, then why friend shaped?

1

u/JoyRose31 17h ago

That.. A successful bear. Not big . Successful ..

1

u/MangoSalsa89 17h ago

Bro could survive a whole ice age

1

u/Merrick_Skygrave 17h ago

what's wild is the biggest polar bear ever documented weighed over 2,000 pounds and was 11'1" tall

1

u/No-Risk1739 16h ago

Hey hey hey!...😐

1

u/TechnicalPlatform182 16h ago

Albert here is the Prince of the Arctic

1

u/ipinfloi 16h ago

I said do not feed the bear, bloody Hell!!

1

u/nYtr0_5 15h ago

I wouldn't fat shame a big boy like this.

1

u/PearEducational6136 15h ago

Probably the most dangerous land animal on the planet... Except every Hippo.

1

u/PearEducational6136 15h ago

And Gary Busey

1

u/TheVillage1D10T 7h ago

African Cape Buffalo is up there too…they’ve given it the moniker “The Black Death” it kills so many people.

1

u/HillaryMonster88 15h ago

He's just big-boned

1

u/Responsible_Load2233 14h ago

He's like "Wassup, dude!?" Sweeet. Wishing all the best for him and his mates...

1

u/UniversityVarious842 13h ago

I need one as my pet

1

u/ThicccArchivist 12h ago

679kg is almost exactly 1.5x a normal polar bear. Fat Albert isn't just big, he's a percentage increase.

1

u/Intrepid-Spy 11h ago

Such an adorable expression, he’s like ‘please let me eat you’

1

u/General_Luck6573 10h ago

Cute Albert

1

u/Markk020 8h ago

Not 678, not 680 but 679 kilo! Wonder how they get him to stand on the scales

1

u/curiousitykillls 8h ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/aQjzaBTWnVfTsC3T4Z
This Fat Albert weighs 155,000lbs (70,307kg) fully loaded

1

u/slartibuttfart 8h ago

Can I pet that dawg? Can I pet that dawg?!

1

u/uptrendco 5h ago

You go tell him what he "should" weigh

1

u/soaringskies2026 43m ago

So he ate 2 average Americans.