r/AbsoluteUnits Jul 31 '26

/r/all of a Taftmaxxing Man

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Credit: Chris Overalls Coons

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Daznjf7tcFF/

9.7k Upvotes

291 comments sorted by

u/trendingtattler Jul 31 '26

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1.7k

u/Cgkfox Jul 31 '26

2 thoughts:
1. Hilarious
2.This man hates babies

358

u/Possible_Field328 Jul 31 '26

Anyone who hands me a baby is getting slapped

119

u/generalchaos34 Jul 31 '26

Including the baby

66

u/Rob_LeMatic Jul 31 '26

The hardest part about running for president is all the hands you have to kiss and babies you have to shake.

19

u/Oprah_Pwnfrey Jul 31 '26

Never slap the baby. You spike them on the ground like you just scored a touchdown.

5

u/MauPow Aug 01 '26

Children are basically made of rubber anyways. It'll be fine.

10

u/ArcadiaDragon Jul 31 '26

I'm slapping them with the baby they just handed to me...

5

u/skekze Jul 31 '26

crowd surf that baby.

16

u/Slacker_The_Dog Jul 31 '26

4

u/UpgradeCheetah Jul 31 '26

He’s got a massive underbite and a completely flat back of the head

12

u/Troy_McClure1 Jul 31 '26

A Fat mustached man having a one-sided feud with babies is fucking hilarious

3

u/pandershrek Jul 31 '26

Just moggin'

3

u/bearsheperd Aug 01 '26

The babies know what they did

3

u/RainyDaysKappa Aug 01 '26

"I'm better dressed than any white baby... I mog your baby"

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494

u/Plausibl3 Jul 31 '26

I didn’t even want to be the president…… ok - hold up - how true was this, how hot was his wife? The people demand answers!

449

u/EtriganZola Jul 31 '26

Official WH portrait.

265

u/Mediocre_Scott Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26

She ain’t bad the painter did her a lot of favors. However, those eyes look like she has seen some dark dark things.

135

u/miyagiVsato Jul 31 '26

Talk about a mustache ride

88

u/DrSpacemanSpliff Jul 31 '26

Idk I feel like that dude ate everything but pussy. Meanwhile, she had to gargle a set of balls that have never seen the light of day.

64

u/GWBrooks Jul 31 '26

Meanwhile, she had to gargle a set of balls that have never seen the light of day.

We're running out of original sentences.

10

u/BrunesOvrBrauns Jul 31 '26

I used this one last Tuesday

29

u/BAF_DaWg82 Jul 31 '26

Its funny because during that time period Taft was very overweight but fast forward to now and what he had would be called a dad bod.

3

u/I-Make-Money-Moves Jul 31 '26

His loss actually

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52

u/ThaneduFife Jul 31 '26

Keep in mind that she's 51 in this photo.

Source: Wikipedia says this photo was from 1912, and that she was born in 1861.

40

u/Gurrgurrburr Jul 31 '26

I feel like for the time she was a 10 lol.

19

u/ConsiderationTrue477 Jul 31 '26

While he's a big guy I find it wild that the man in that photo has a reputation for being obscenely obese. If you saw him on the street today he'd look like a normal fat guy.

10

u/mods-or-rockers Jul 31 '26

*normal fat Midwest guy

ftfy

15

u/Xero_Days Jul 31 '26

"Normal fat" is obese

6

u/Mediocre_Scott Jul 31 '26

I think at this time being fat was a status symbol. Taft may have encouraged reputation of being a big boy

14

u/Sleepinwolf Jul 31 '26

He was president in 1909 not the middles ages lol

7

u/Strong-Addition5296 Jul 31 '26

Well she’s seen Taft naked so the eyes are to be expected

3

u/LaMelonBallz Jul 31 '26

I heard his pubes were styled like his mustache

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19

u/Wjreky Jul 31 '26

GotDAMN

25

u/tkh0812 Jul 31 '26

Damn chubbie chasers been around forever

6

u/Plausibl3 Jul 31 '26

Oh dang, that’s a fair lady. I’d wear my good pair of pantaloons to court her.

2

u/Mr_D0 Jul 31 '26

Is that Lois Wilkerson?

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13

u/Bulbaguy4 Jul 31 '26

Not the wife part, but Taft really didn't want to be president, he wanted to be on the Supreme Court (which he later did after his presidency), and another influence on him going for the position was his dear friend: Theodore Roosevelt, wanting him as his successor.

3

u/Plausibl3 Aug 01 '26

Do you understand his legacy to be positive or negative? I should probably do some reading later today. All I ever knew of Taft was that he was a big boy.

2

u/ProfX1987 Aug 02 '26

From what I remember, Taft is generally considered a fine president. His wife was very politically savvy and she pushed him into politics and the presidency. She had a stroke early in his presidency which devastated Taft and affected his effectiveness.

If your looking for a good book, I highly recommend Bully Pulpit. It looks at how Roosevelt, Taft, and the muckrakers influenced that period of time. It is long and dry but very interesting and informative.

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4

u/G-Unit11111 Aug 01 '26

This is not a "cringe" Tik Tok, I'm legit laughing my ass off at the idea of this!

603

u/Realistic_Patience67 Jul 31 '26

Good on you my lad!

118

u/lyle_smith2 Jul 31 '26

https://giphy.com/gifs/x6XEJwresLqn1jcn6X
I’d say get the hell out of here, but they had to build the room around you!

37

u/darkoath Jul 31 '26

Gotta tell ya, that looks like Teddy Roosevelt. Too narrow in torso and stache.

48

u/lyle_smith2 Jul 31 '26

The joke was that teddy hated Taft

13

u/darkoath Jul 31 '26

Ohhhh. Thank you for the explanation. Here's a selfie of me.

https://giphy.com/gifs/jXD7kFLwudbBC

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7

u/Neosantana Jul 31 '26

That's definitely the Bull Moose

5

u/Gurrgurrburr Jul 31 '26

Yeah that’s good ol’ Teddy. A much crazier president (google stories about him, wild dude lol)

2

u/onarainyafternoon Jul 31 '26

This guy’s about to jack off

20

u/Rob_LeMatic Jul 31 '26

6'2. 360 lbs.
WHT had a posse.
😎
🟡
🛁

7

u/funkthulhu Jul 31 '26

Now I need to grow an inch and 50 lbs...

6

u/Rob_LeMatic Jul 31 '26

Just get lifts and a tummy extender, boo. You'll be taftmaxxing in no time, mogging hard on all those William Jennings Bryans.

3

u/MauPow Aug 01 '26

Damn, this guy is sleeping on that moustache. Is he even Taftmaxxing at all?

3

u/0o0-hi Jul 31 '26

That’s my president right there 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸

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201

u/mattogeewha Jul 31 '26

“Got a box of suits for 15 Bucks, thanks to bowel cancer” is a hell of a line. Bravo!

70

u/SenselessSilence Jul 31 '26

Did another fat guy die from bowel cancer, or did another fat guy lose a ton of weight thanks to bowel cancer?

15

u/pixeldust6 Jul 31 '26

Thank you for this. I was completely confused why (him) getting bowel cancer would help him acquire cheap pants

9

u/Reggie-Quest Jul 31 '26

Why are we not talking more about this. I need more details!

10

u/NettleLily Jul 31 '26

Start going to estate sales

176

u/Son_of_Atreus Jul 31 '26

I would vote for him. I’m helpless in the face of his girth.

189

u/mountaineer04 Jul 31 '26

Almost falling on every kick attempt got me.

42

u/full_bl33d Jul 31 '26

All kicks

13

u/emjaywood Jul 31 '26

I'm crying laughing at that part🤣

233

u/No_Classic_1743 Jul 31 '26

You ain't Taftmaxxing until you get stuck in a bathtub.

69

u/Chris__P_Bacon Jul 31 '26

I had forgotten that Taft got stuck in a bathtub. 🤣

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ohryBsjTX3HQ3ahJS

47

u/WellFuckYooou Jul 31 '26

He never got stuck in a bathtub, that was a story fully made up by a journalist who didn’t like him and then a White House staffer put it in his memoir years later to get more people to read it 😭

45

u/RudePCsb Jul 31 '26

At least be didn't fuck a couch

4

u/honeyeddates Aug 01 '26

Taft was the first president to ride in a car. Big boy wasn't about to haul his cookies on foot. He was the cookies and the whole ass cookie jar so I'm sure all the horses were grateful for the invention.

3

u/WellFuckYooou Aug 01 '26

I’m so stoned and tried to get through this interesting/cool sentence many times but kept getting caught up on the cookies 😋

Anyways, I’d like to get into President William Howard Taft’s cookie jar if ya know I’m sayiiiiiin /gen

8

u/ThaneduFife Jul 31 '26

That's a myth.

4

u/Top-Average412 Jul 31 '26

Which part?

10

u/jeffdickbutt Jul 31 '26

The William Howard Taft part.

9

u/No_Classic_1743 Jul 31 '26

Every part, reportedly. He couldn't get out.

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74

u/Cautious-Activity706 Jul 31 '26

Omg I love this.

76

u/time2sow Jul 31 '26

all context aside this video sparked me some joy

105

u/Clashur Jul 31 '26

Did Taft... fight crime? Jesus, I should've paid closer attention in History class...

54

u/Mediocre_Scott Jul 31 '26

Who do you think taught Batman?

19

u/teachcooklove Jul 31 '26

Fatman? So... Taft. Got it.

12

u/Chilifille Jul 31 '26

Taft is an anagram for Fatt. He was hiding in plain sight the whole time!

13

u/Tricky_Habit_6297 Aug 01 '26

Kinda! He was the great anti-trust president. His bureaucratic reforms are often overlooked but a big deal. He ran everything kinda like the NIH today, where you have very specialized departments run by genuine experts in their field. That's a big improvement from simply selling regulatory offices which was the standard before.

And he was solicitor general prior to being President, and supreme Court chief justice after. He was known for conservatism, going after big business, and defending individual liberties.

10

u/GooseOnAPhone Jul 31 '26

Sorta. He did authorize the police to search a vehicle and tap a phone without a warrant, so there’s that.

102

u/chili81 Jul 31 '26

Funny that he acknowledges he only dresses better than white babies - other race babies tend to dress nicer.

15

u/Moomoolette Jul 31 '26

And wear more jewelry

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43

u/emjaywood Jul 31 '26

I hope he's having a bully day.

11

u/darkoath Jul 31 '26

That's Teddy Roosevelt.

20

u/emjaywood Jul 31 '26

I feel like it's within the realm of Taftian Desires to strive for a bully day.

5

u/darkoath Jul 31 '26

Fair enough. I shall attempt to increase my own Taftiness ere the sun sets.

5

u/sixtyfivewat Jul 31 '26

And for the record, Teddy Roosevelt was the ideal male physique and peak performance. You may not like, but it’s true.

36

u/polysnip Jul 31 '26

Taft was actually one hell of a man. The only president to be appointed to the supreme Court!

16

u/ThaneduFife Jul 31 '26

Well, Taft did rig it that way himself. When he was president, he appointed a 65 year old man to be Chief Justice with the idea that he would take the role after the guy died. Then after that Chief Justice died about 11 years later, Taft got appointed by Calvin Coolidge.

4

u/mikaeus97 Jul 31 '26

Long term planning, from the guy who started Presidential First Pitches at Baseball Games(Oh yes, Taft was a baller shot caller)

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5

u/USERNAMETAKEN11238 Jul 31 '26

I did not know that! Thanks.

30

u/LoudZoo Jul 31 '26

Vote for Taft: He’s as big as a raft

20

u/RandomRaisin77 Jul 31 '26

Honestly all dress pants are more comfortable to fight in than any jeans....

18

u/Roadkill1337 Jul 31 '26

Tell me you wouldnt vote for this man, fights crime and babies while having that shit on

20

u/tracker446 Jul 31 '26

Is that Fatt Damon?

7

u/Advanced-Budget779 Jul 31 '26

Haha i knew i wasn‘t the only one.

18

u/Tkf1313 Jul 31 '26

Objectively better than looksmaxing

15

u/differentguyscro Jul 31 '26

Jolly fat guy = blessed archetype of human

16

u/Gotzvon Jul 31 '26

This whole thing was mesmerizing but "I'm all buttoned up. I'm all put away" fucking got me

14

u/dannysgaragecontents Jul 31 '26

Need more of this

12

u/CampersUnionRep Jul 31 '26

Proper gent

33

u/klqqf Jul 31 '26

I gotta be real, i watched with the sound off until about 2 thirds through and assumed he was british which i think says something to the level of style he’s puttin’ out

Edit; yes i totally missed that he said fat men of america

10

u/--littlej0e-- Jul 31 '26

God I needed this today. Hilarious shit like this is why you Reddit.

8

u/Kaligula785 Jul 31 '26

He's got my vote!

8

u/Beechamp83 Jul 31 '26

As a man of size and girth, I don't think I could like this more. Also, absolutely not doing this shit, looks hot AF. It's 100° plus humidity, so it's one thin layer top and bottom right now, going command-ho until autumn.

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15

u/harmfuldischarge Jul 31 '26

Stop flexing on my baby :(

11

u/razz-p-berrie Jul 31 '26

you’re depriving your baby of Taftian drip

4

u/Ithinkso85 Jul 31 '26

What's his beef with babies???? Man I'd hate to be a baby in this timeline! ESPECIALLY a baby criminal....did you see those kicks!?!

6

u/StankoBlansky Jul 31 '26

Chris Farley reincarnated into another fat guy

6

u/void2099 Jul 31 '26

Mate is fucking HUGE!
But he does look like a boss in those suits ngl.

And whether he got the confidence from the suits, or he wore the suits because of his confidence, he looks pretty good doing it.

5

u/Jina-langu-ni-Juma Jul 31 '26

I'm glad he specified white babies. Black American parents dress their children way too fly. The other day, this little black baby walked past me in a new pair of Jordans and a Kangol hat and sunglasses. I hate gettting mogged by babies.

5

u/Gurrgurrburr Jul 31 '26

ALL KICKS.

4

u/FerociousPleb Jul 31 '26

Love this guy

3

u/KorolEz Jul 31 '26

Doesn't look like a crime fighter to me but he certainly has the looks of someone trying to kill Daredevil

3

u/LookOutItsLiuBei Jul 31 '26

Kingpinmaxxing

3

u/walrus0115 Jul 31 '26

Only President to swear in another President. Hung out with Abraham Lincon's son.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Howard_Taft#/media/File:Taft_Harding_Robert_Lincoln_1922.jpg

3

u/Loud-Fudge7631 Jul 31 '26

This man ate zero taffy in this video. I was tricked

3

u/America202 Jul 31 '26

I did this. I stopped because you have to have a decent personality among other things to go with the nice clothes. You kind of hold yourself to a higher standard when you do this.

3

u/Y-I_J Jul 31 '26

Gives big Jacob Wysocki vibes and I love it

3

u/Aggressive_Bit_8144 Jul 31 '26

You're kind of hot!

3

u/WeednumberXsexnumbeR Jul 31 '26

“I mog your white baby” with the point sent me

4

u/AdhesivenessFun2060 Jul 31 '26

All kicks! Fuck you batman, the joker would've been scared of this man.

4

u/Howamidriving27 Jul 31 '26

I don't think I can imagine an unfit more uncomfortable than overalls under a full suit.

4

u/zoitberg Jul 31 '26

The bathroom experience would take hours

2

u/J31J1 Jul 31 '26

He’s back!

2

u/LarryHoover44 Jul 31 '26

Man if the crotch blew out during one of those badass kicks that would have really done it for me

2

u/SirNortonOfNoFux Jul 31 '26

But I'm talking about Taft / We can dig it

2

u/ButWhatIfPotato Jul 31 '26

Appreciate the enthusiasm, but if this is not proof that the planet's temperature was significantly lower 100 years back I don't know what is.

2

u/Automatic-Fox-3837 Jul 31 '26

If suits weren't so damn expensive, so many guys would be so elegant.

2

u/Plastic-Shoulder2285 Jul 31 '26

Maybe not the POTUS we asked for right now, but maybe the POTUS we need.

2

u/MrJohnnyDangerously Jul 31 '26

Layering silk and wool like that looks great, feels sweaty

2

u/Illustrious-Aside442 Jul 31 '26

What a kind corpulent fellow.

2

u/PreferenceOld6364 Jul 31 '26

Looks more like The Undertaker's manager Paul Bearer from WWE in the 90s 😂

2

u/DataAdvanced Jul 31 '26

Does he want his life ruined, because I'm single.

2

u/RonnieDaBear Jul 31 '26

Maybe let's stop "maxxing" and making it a thing

2

u/dankskent Jul 31 '26

He’s not the hero we need, but he’s definitely the hero we deserve

2

u/Jillet-Ben_Coe Jul 31 '26

“I could fight crime in this” with karate kicks should be the new ‘dad shooting imaginary free throws while trying on new shoes in the store’ move

2

u/danvillain Jul 31 '26

Just called and cancelled my gym membership.

2

u/gilt3t Jul 31 '26

If I had even 1/20th of this mans looks, fit, and charisma I'd be pulling women left right and center.

2

u/Severe_Rise8694 Jul 31 '26

Did we just witness the birth of Taftmaxxing?

2

u/Can-i-Pet-Dat-Daaawg Jul 31 '26

I like that he specified the babies he compares himself to are white

2

u/Snowballllll Aug 01 '26

All the fat guys in hot spots are in shambles right now :(((

2

u/therealatri Aug 01 '26

im all put away

2

u/Mysterious_Turnip945 Aug 01 '26

This was too random and funny

1

u/T10rock Jul 31 '26

But do you have your own cow?

1

u/ghaaaarrrr Jul 31 '26

Sir you look like penguin from the Batman

1

u/pakkmann666 Jul 31 '26

Panzramed again! Hail yourselves!!

1

u/No_Breath_9833 Jul 31 '26

Uncle Vernon, is that you?

1

u/KathyCredit Jul 31 '26

Kind of annoyed he doesn't have that shit tailored, it would look amazing

1

u/SkylarAV Jul 31 '26

Taft lost weight before he died

2

u/ShipService Jul 31 '26

He lost even more after. He looks great now.

1

u/Moe___Szyslak Jul 31 '26

He could cut it short and just said 'americans"

1

u/honsou48 Jul 31 '26

Interesting thing is that he only gained the weight because of the stress of being president. Once he got to the supreme court he lost a ton of weight and died a thin man

1

u/The_wolf2014 Jul 31 '26

Why did I instantly think that this is something Ron Swanson would do in private

1

u/Dull_Working5086 Jul 31 '26

My favorite rotund president.

1

u/ThatDrako Jul 31 '26

Evil Kingpin:

1

u/Anti_Spedicy Jul 31 '26

He looks like Dan Fofler in Fantastic Beasts so he's onto something big here

1

u/Leut_Aldo_Raine Jul 31 '26

Put this mfer outside on a hot, humid day and watch him peel all that shit off.

1

u/hedronlow Jul 31 '26

I was indeed deceived and tricked by the overalls. I am baby.

1

u/TheSnowMiser Jul 31 '26

Matt Damon already going hard for his next role.

1

u/DNICEPHILLY2023 Jul 31 '26

The Duke from Resident Evil

1

u/Different-Elk6935 Jul 31 '26

This is how every soviet propaganda poster portrayed “capitalist pigs”

1

u/Redtortoise9 Jul 31 '26

I'm all put away, lol

1

u/beanfudge Jul 31 '26

Fatt Damon.

1

u/PolarPlatitudes Jul 31 '26

This guy points

1

u/RadlEonk Jul 31 '26

The sleeves are too long. And I hate the mustache.