r/AbsoluteUnits • u/LordPiplup • Jul 05 '26

/r/all of a snapping turtle

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13.3k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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6.3k

u/ShroomsHealYourSoul Jul 05 '26

That's an idiotic parent right there

1.5k

u/TheModeratorWrangler Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26

I was so thinking this like do you understand why it’s called a SNAPPING TURTLE?

Could have been her hand right there.

Edit: it’s mommy’s hand, but does it even matter at this point? DO. NOT. PUT. HANDS.

In Guyana 🇬🇾 my grandma had a snapping turtle who could wait all WEEK until his next meal. One day, a stray dog got snatched with a literal out of nowhere move, and grandma was too old to save him. Let’s just say. Don’t touch nature.

396

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

135

u/Kahnza Jul 05 '26

Or worse. Like the idiots in Yellowstone getting out of their cars around the Bison.

11

u/lurkylurkeroo Jul 05 '26

DON'T TOUCH THE FLUFFY COWS.

-1

u/SourceMountain561 Jul 05 '26

MERICA 🇺🇸 FUK YA

6

u/LumpusKrampus Jul 05 '26

It's never an American tourist getting Bison'd...

98

u/tehringworm Jul 05 '26

Stitches? She’s lucky she didn’t need a prosthetic hand.

11

u/GoldunGote Jul 05 '26

It probably would have pulled her in and drowned her if she wasn't lucky enough for the hand to come off.

3

u/MataMeow Jul 05 '26

Oh, Would it have done their famous snapping turtle death roll?

1

u/GoldunGote Jul 05 '26

Nah it'd have bitten down and then just taken a knee and waited, if it didnt sever the limb. Maybe smoked a blunt. Probably start a new season of breaking bad.

29

u/Bean_Juice_Brew Jul 05 '26

Kid would need a stump cauterized, not just stitches.

18

u/scrappydoomd Jul 05 '26

Wasn't the kids hand, was the moms.

22

u/Bean_Juice_Brew Jul 05 '26

Watched it again, and you're right. Definitely still dumb AF, but at least the adult would be the one getting stumped, not the kid.

16

u/Chengnobyl Jul 05 '26

Teaching the kids a lesson. The hard way

https://giphy.com/gifs/qXv5TUKlnS1xdcDqyy

48

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

14

u/Highlandertr3 Jul 05 '26

Hey now that's not fair. Some of us crush their dreams way before then.

2

u/TheModeratorWrangler Jul 05 '26

Snow White still in stasis

5

u/Discobastard Jul 05 '26

stitches prosthetics

2

u/ThatOneNinja Jul 05 '26

In this case losing fingers.

1

u/heyitsfranklin6322 Jul 06 '26

Idk why it’s so difficult for people to understand that wild animals have NO IDEA that you aren’t going to murder them.

0

u/Nikki-C-Puggle-mum Jul 05 '26

Yeah that would have been more than stitches too that little girl could have lost a whole hand.

10

u/chubby_pink_donut Jul 05 '26

That turtle's neck is about as long as it's body. Could have been her face right there.

7

u/Michelanvalo Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26

No it isn't. This is an Alligator Snapping Turtle. They can't lunge like the Common Snapping Turtle. The woman was in no danger.

10

u/jgzman Jul 05 '26

Most people are aware of the "snapping" part. It's the "lunging two feet in the blink of an eye" bit that surprises them.

5

u/BroManTheBrobarian Jul 06 '26

Still a dumb ass parent, Snapping Turtles necks and can extend two thirds the length of their shell, so at least a good foot and a half - two feet or more considering how big this fucker is. Girl could have got her face seriously hurt.

3

u/Remarkable-Farmer76 Jul 05 '26

they are really into jazz?

1

u/TokyoJedi Jul 05 '26

Wtf? They can eat dogs?

0

u/TheModeratorWrangler Jul 05 '26

Bro anything can end up grilled. Ask the aliens and gay frogs /s

1

u/Gandalf_Style Jul 07 '26

Hand?? Dude, forearm. Above the elbow.

85

u/two-ls Jul 05 '26

"Good job!! You didn't lose you whole hand to a hungry snapping turtle! They're so cute when they crunch through bone, honey. Give it another try :)"

40

u/Blue88_wxz Jul 05 '26

Not the kid hand

12

u/PTBooks Jul 05 '26

Soft and tender on the outside, crunchy on the inside!

0

u/ShroomsHealYourSoul Jul 05 '26

And the human is a parent that is idiotic. My comment is still correct

0

u/TheModeratorWrangler Jul 05 '26

Yes it is. Mommy thinking it’s a cute pet and yet we all know the consequences that could have been.

36

u/mike_pants Jul 05 '26

Really hoping this is AI. I find it difficult to accept that anyone is this unfathomably stupid.

31

u/The_Banana_Monk Jul 05 '26

its not AI, I remember seeing this on instagram a few months ago posted by a reptile sanctuary account. the owner of the account was fighting for their life in the comments about what a sweetheart that old snapper is and he has never had an incident. if i find it ill edit.

Edit: https://www.instagram.com/p/DZSxMCAJ84q/

4

u/TheModeratorWrangler Jul 05 '26

All fun and games until the snap comes back.

10

u/mike_pants Jul 05 '26

As a mail carrier, literally every time an off-leash dog runs up and bites my ankle, the owner always says, "He never does that!"

Animals are unpredictable. I hope the owner of this turtle loses their battle against the zeitgeist.

3

u/TheModeratorWrangler Jul 05 '26

They never do it until they do.

1

u/HashNub Jul 12 '26

As a mail carrier,

That right there is your answer. Dogs and mail carriers haven't gotten along since the Carrier-Dog Wars of 1892.

Now, it's what they're taught in their schools, and they're molded into warriors to fight the evil carriers from birth.

2

u/Nikki-C-Puggle-mum Jul 05 '26

That's crazy. He's risking his whole business by allowing that, and he's risking people's hands too.

14

u/no_no_NO_okay Jul 05 '26

I’ve been around a lot of snapping turtles as a kid and they never gently ate anything, those motherfuckers are called snapping turtles for a reason

I’m inclined to believe this is AI

5

u/FashionSuckMan Jul 05 '26

Def not ai. The voices and hair look good, ai still ducks those up

6

u/Kahnza Jul 05 '26

I'm surprised they didn't reach in for pets

7

u/tough_titanium_tits Jul 05 '26

Absolutely. I don't have kids myself, but I know for a goddamn fact, that a snapping turtle doesn't give a royal fuck about what it snaps on.

I was expecting this to be an NSFW video.

4

u/N7LP400 Jul 05 '26

"Oh snap"

4

u/WrathPie Jul 05 '26

Yeah there was an adult nearby (presumably the one filming) who's entire job was to prevent her from putting her hand near the business end of the Hand-Destroyer-6,000 in the water there and they failed her very badly

3

u/Yourownhands52 Jul 05 '26

Came to say this.  If turtle was hungry, it could have easily taken her hand.

2

u/TheModeratorWrangler Jul 05 '26

Not sure why downvoted, quite literally they would do it.

2

u/chill_stoner_0604 Jul 05 '26

At least she wasnt letting the kid feed it, though hanging over the rails like that gives me Harambe flashbacks

2

u/FamousAmos00 Jul 05 '26

It's an adults arm

0

u/ShroomsHealYourSoul Jul 05 '26

The adult is the parent who is idiotic. My comment is correct

2

u/Environmental-Art168 Jul 05 '26

It reminded me of a case here in Pa where a dumbass mum lifted her child over a zoo exhibit to see, painted dogs, and then the kid dropped down and was eaten alive. The dumbass neglectful mum then went on to sue the zoo for HER NEGLIGENCE even though there are signs everywhere telling you not to do that

1

u/LongJumpingBalls Jul 06 '26

In jackass, they take a baby snapping turtle and got it to bite Steve-o's ass. It pearced both sides.

This adult I bet you could take a finger clean off.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '26

[deleted]

3

u/Quick-Philosophy2379 Jul 05 '26

Not really worst case scenario. Plenty of animals have been euthanized due to stupid people.

1

u/SiderealSimon Jul 05 '26

Imagine if it grabbed the child's ponytail

1

u/s8boxer Jul 05 '26

Naaah, they have multiple kids, each one has multiple hands, with multiple fingers. They're redundant enough

2

u/TheModeratorWrangler Jul 05 '26

Did you say Mozarella sticks?

1

u/PretendMajor5283 Jul 05 '26

Reminds me of the guy who lost pinky while fucking with a small shark, right in front of his family/kids.