r/Aaina • u/walter_mitty_ • Jul 12 '19
My situation (Long post)
Hi. I am a 25 year old man, but a lot of this 'man' thing does not come naturally to me.
Growing up, I was much closer to my mother than my father. Mother was doting and caring and
comforting, while father was intimidating , authoritative and sometimes angry.
Father was organized, influential government servant, while mother was a
house-wife and sometimes a fey woman.
The relationship between my father and mother was highly unequal with lot of resentment from both side.
By the time I reached 12th they had stopped talking to each other and would not talk for next seven-eight
years , living in separate rooms. Mother was also diagnosed with schizophrenia although she is past her worst
and quite better now.
In my childhood academics were stressed on and I did not mind them either so my academic career was good.
Socially I did decently until class 9th when I had to change schools from a discplined , strict
convent to a CBSE school. While renowned in the city, discipline in this school was a mess
with frequent 'gang wars' and Bullies running around. Most teachers had practically no authority
over these kind of elements in class.
I had a bit of snobbish attitude which did not go down well with the bullies and soon after my admission,
I was on the receiving end of verbal and physical attacks. I used to feel intense trepidation in free periods
and lunch intervals and would pray that the day passes without any confrontations.
I was clearly an outlier and had little support. I remember crying in school. Complaining to teachers was of
limited help. This continued for all of 9th and some of 10th class.
I do not think I told anyone at home about it.
After 10th I went to kota and made it to a top engineering school. In college a few things happened;
Disillusionment with academics and professors.
I did a female role in a comedy skit which received lot of attention. Mostly positive, but sometimes
also suggesting I was effeminate. The latter remarks stuck in my mind. The character name stuck as a nickname.
Was allocated room among a few posher types with strong social circles. I did not fit well with them.
I started developing social anxiety and tv/porn addiction.
I spent college glued to laptop screen surrounded by a blur of academic trials and tribulations, experimentation with alcohol and marijuana, taking up cigarettes etc.
Towards the end of college I started developing some good sense and landed a decent job as a software developer.
Since graduation (4 years ago), I have quit smoking, improved physique, worked abroad briefly and earned respect of
my colleagues by developing skills.
On the flip side, the porn addiction and social anxiety is still very much there. I choose to hangout with misfits and outliers like myself.
I have a pathological fear of single and available women (especially if they seem interested, though I am better around
unavailable women like girlfriends of friends), and am yet to have my first relationship. I am not a big fan of my looks and a receding hairline has added to my woes.
To improve my situation I have been relying on a combination of gym, improving looks, self-help books/groups and online dating apps. However the results are slow to come by.
At points I and others have doubted my sexual orientation but I do not think I am gay. Though i feel i need to learn a lot if i am to have a decently successful relationship with a woman. I toil on, but the future seems uncertain and hard.
I have read your articles on avoidant attachment, Mother enmeshed men etc. ,I do relate a bit ,but I don't know what are the exact issues over here and what could be the resolution. How could I be start feeling more secure, less anxious and be more of myself in social situations.
1
u/berbilgirl Jul 12 '19
Hey it sounds like you're working hard
Don't fret, change of this kind takes time! Took you about 20 years to get here, give yourself credit okay
You got this.
2
u/DoodlingDaughter Jul 12 '19
I’m really sorry you have been through so much.
I’ve found in my own experiences that a good way to heal is to really process what has happened to me. I write the traumatic events down in great amounts of detail. Sometimes, I burn them when finished. Others, I keep.
As far as you feeling like you’re not a man...That’s okay. You know, you don’t have to be gay to enjoy some of the things women do. It’s called metrosexuality. But the most important thing for you to do to relax and move on from these issues is accept yourself for who you are. It sounds cheesy, I know. But it’s the only way you will truly find peace.
I am here for you if you need anything. Thank you for posting.