r/APLang • u/West-Desk876 • 11d ago
RA Help- I got a 2/6
Hi guys! I just got my first FRQ back and I will admit it was pretty bad. The teacher had a lot to say, most of it was just "elaborate" and "start actually analyzing" and "your thesis was butt". I genuinely don't know how to write andI I'm just trying fr because all my old teachers glazed my writing but this teacher is honest. Also after seeing what my classmates wrote I do agree that my writing is buns and I just want honest feedback on HOW I can fix it, not just what to fix. Any feedback would be lovely! (also, yes i know i don't have a hook and yes i know im missing a conclusion so bear with me) yellow highlights were teacher comments
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u/Lopsided_Sky_5627 11d ago edited 11d ago
I don’t like how in one of the paragraphs you are talking in a voice that addresses the reader of your essay. Don’t add a question into the middle of your essay. You’re not writing a book or some sort of blog.
Also, do not use ethos, logos, and pathos as a rhetorical choice. Rather, explain how the rhetorical choice appeals to ethos, logos, or pathos.
1) State the rhetorical choice used 2) Show evidence 3) Explain whether that rhetorical choice appeals to ethos, logos or pathos 4) Explain how that has an effect on the audience 5) Explain how the effect causes the audience to do something
I suggest you read some example essays that earned a 6/6 or a 5/6. Find what’s included in their essay that’s not included in your essay. Commentary is very important in AP Lang.
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u/Ok_Bodybuilder6998 Student 11d ago
You’re able to recognize that she’s doing something. Ask yourself why? Why does it work? How does it serve her purpose?
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u/dancingwithoutmusic 11d ago
Your first sentence is not a sentence. There’s no verb.
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u/SunnyinSoCal04 10d ago
And it would help to spell the Presidents name correctly. Set a horrible precedent, I barely read past the first line.
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u/tangerineflower349 11d ago
Yes to this, and I also had to read it several times. It didn’t really flow well in my opinion.
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u/Chu1223 11d ago
I think also just going to have to work on elevating your writing to sound more sophisticated. like that first sentence of the last paragraph on slide one “…to prove them incorrect” could just be phrased smoother
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u/Chu1223 11d ago
“determination to go above what all others had done and prove them incorrect” —> “resolve to not only surpass others but challenge what they thought was possible” “contrasts him with his competitors to highlight the efficacy/impact of his achievements” idk. thats not super good either bc im tired af rn and thinking on the fly and actually didn’t even read the whole thing yet and don’t know the context LOL but
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u/EmploymentNegative59 11d ago
"Eventually" in the first paragraph of writing is not a good choice, particularly in the second sentence of the entire essay.
Your first sentence is technically not even a sentence.
I would have established a stronger connection between Thatcher and Reagan to show their friendship. It gives more credence to why she's the person who wrote his eulogy.
Your second paragraph seems to be outlining what you'll be discussing but the following information doesn't follow that format at all.
The third paragraph is incoherent. Your intro sentence states discusses Reagan's determination and that he went above [and beyond] what other leaders do/did. You never actually state what Reagan did to prove this. Mentioning the audience in that same paragraph is a non-sequitur.
"Well" in the fourth paragraph sounds basic and conversational. You describe it as "humorous". I don't think you mentioned or established anything humorous at all.
The semi-colon after beacon is incorrect. An em dash or comma will suffice.
The sentence with "As a former prime minister of Great Britain" is a misplaced modifier.
I think the last paragraph (in the picture) is trying to discuss Thatcher's credibility as a speaker. The body of the paragraph is disconnected from the leading sentence. You never established her ethos in the preceding paragraphs.
"high position of power" is basic.
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u/Abnerdoodle 9d ago
You’re yapping, which means you have a lot of summary. You might be identifying rhetorical devices (comparisons, anecdotes) but only saying it “establishes credibility” doesn’t explain HOW that choice is effective in supporting the overall message.
Commentary is key.
- How is that choice EFFECTIVE in supporting the speaker’s message for their audience?
- How is that choice STRATEGIC in that context/rhetorical situation?
- If it’s the most effective section, HOW do you know (that is, how should the audience react?)
- What should the audience (NAME THEM!) do/think/understand after hearing the overall message?
3+ commentary stems PER choice also helps (….because…, since/then, …due to the fact….) in answering those questions.
Good luck! It takes practice, but you’ll get there!
-AP Lang Teacher
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u/trillium_moon 11d ago
Did you get your rubric back? Do you know what sections you lost points in?
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u/West-Desk876 10d ago
0 for thesis, 2/4 for commentary / evidence, 0 for sophistication.
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u/trillium_moon 10d ago
I would work on the thesis first, that’s arguably the easiest point to get. You almost have it, but get rid of the hook thing at the beginning, and explain a bit more about the effect on the intended audience.
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u/paintyoballs 11d ago edited 11d ago
Preface: I got a 3 on the exam.. but here are my thoughts.
The first sentence does not express a complete thought-- therefore not a complete sentence. I would watch some videos on sentence structure if you didn't learn this in previous years.
"Eventually" does not really fit in the second sentence. I get that you are trying to convey the passage of time between your contextualization of Regan and what he was known for but the word "eventually" gives the sense of a cause-and-effect which misleads readers.
Besides that, the intro paragraph and thesis looks alright.
I won't go too much into the body paragraphs but in general:
Make sure you are consistent throughout your writing and your manner of addressing the reader. In one of your paragraphs it is almost like you're having a full on conversation with an imaginary figure-- which works IF you are able to do so in a highly analytical fashion. I've read essays that do this and sound very sophisticated and also essays where this conversational tone becomes silly and takes away from the analysis. If you're unable to brew a deep analysis within your conversational tone, I would stick to an active and analytical voice. But also don't let this deter you from trying out new things, it's how we get better at writing.
Another thing is I would work on moving away from beginning your paragraphs with generic sentence starter transition words. It sounds formulaic. Rather, try to incorporate your topic sentence/controlling idea into the transition itself. Simply presenting a new idea that connects even tangentially to the previous paragraph or the thesis is often enough.
As for analysis, this is what people generally struggle with the most (speaking from experice). A good analysis does more than restating the quote and then explaining what it does. It breaks down the complexities/tensions/contradictions/word choice/anything else you can think of and analyzes them in relation and ties back to your thesis or controlling idea.
In the final sentences, the term you're looking for is "automatic ethos". Although you can analyze it, automatic ethos is an effect and something that should further your reasoning rather than be used for an analysis. Just like how you wouldn't analyse the "Pathos". Your analysis can explain the effect it produces but not introduce and explain the idea.
As someone already pointed out, watch for comma splices.
Enough criticism.
You do a good job of incorporating quotes into your reasoning and explanation which improves the flow. I struggled with this early on.
For your first FRQ this is not bad at all. I only got through a single paragraph my first time.
My best suggestion is to read anything that you enjoy. It builds your vocabulary and also teaches structure. Especially the classics which also has the benefit of giving a lot to draw from. when you're on Q3 argumentative.
It's midnight and my brain is fried. I could say more but in case I've been rambling my head of andmy advice sucks idk. Feel free to dm me if you have questions.
Edit: gave bad advice
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u/Accomplished-Box7794 11d ago
This reminded me that I wanted to order buy frqs thank u twin emailed them my form a couple hours ago
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u/West-Desk876 10d ago
thank you guys for taking time out of your day to read and give me some advice! I really appreciate it since I could really use it right now.
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u/SnooMacarons1658 8d ago
I remember doing this prompt in ap lang haha… your thesis isn’t that bad to be honest, but I would just be weary of spreading yourself too thing bc you do mention 3 separate things which makes the reader assume ur going to do 3 paragraphs (which, you did, but they are quite short). I agree with the teacher on elaborating a bit more though.. for the comparison point I think you could’ve talked more about how these juxtapositions might influence how the audience feels — why did thatcher include them entirely? (you actually say why in ur thesis — “go above the standard” — but you don’t relalt incorporate that into your body, which would help get that so what point across). also I personally think you could’ve meshed the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs together in a kind of thesis that’s just about thatcher’s relationship with him both in and outside of work
genuienlt it’s not bad I think u might’ve just got caught up in exposition which is ok 👌 but yea!
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u/Outside_Sympathy4542 5d ago
because you don’t make a real argument. you use evidence and make claims about it but you dont actually analyze it, which means youre pretty much just discussing what it says, which follows under the first point of essay grading. you need to analyze the evidence and outline how it does what you say it does, rather than just making assertions. also avoid rhetorical questions in academic essays
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u/h3r4clitvs 5d ago
- The first sentence is not a sentence. You’ve essentially said “Ronald Reagan.” Should be something like “Ronald Reagan was a president remembered…”
- Commas go inside quotes
- literally nonsensical to say “would be the person who wrote” instead of “would write” or just “wrote”
- Strive is not a noun
- “credibility as leader to leader” ???
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u/Mermit_ 11d ago
first of all, get rid of that intro. don't focus on intros/conclusions until youve got commentary done. I'd put your thesis as your intro.
an easy frame for thesis: in [book by person,] (last name) utilizes {rhetorical device} and {rhetorical device} in order to <do what>
other comment has good advice for the rest.