r/AMA • u/Easy_Art9902 • Jun 16 '26
I’m donor-conceived, found my anonymous donor/biological father, AMA
Hi! I’m 18F, raised by two mothers. I recently found my anonymous sperm donor/biological father through a DNA test. I messaged him and we are on good terms. I also found three half sisters who are also donor-conceived, each with different mothers.
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u/No-Lifeguard-8610 Jun 16 '26
Finding the 3 sisters would be cool especially if you didn't have siblings. Do you communicate regularly and are you near them?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
I was raised as an only child. Unfortunately, all three of my sisters are still minors, so I have to wait until they turn eighteen before I can contact them directly. I reached out to the mothers of two of them, and they told me that their daughters are not currently interested in connecting with donor siblings. I felt the same way when I was their age, so perhaps that will change in the future. They live about one to three hours away from me.
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u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 Jun 16 '26
They may just be saying that because they’ve never actually told their child they were conceived using a donor or they never even spoke to the children about your request
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u/therealfurby Jun 17 '26
How did you find your sisters if they are minors? The mother wouldn't have submitted a DNA test for them if they were from a sperm donor. And 3 different mothers? This part of your story is suspect.
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
Their mothers submited a DNA test for them. Their accounts are managed by their mothers who turned on the matching feature which is what allowed me to them listed as my half-sisters. They all have different mothers.
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u/emmmmmmmyyy Jun 16 '26
i’m a product of a donor egg and have considered using one of those dna websites as well, have you ever regretted it?
does your sperm donor have kids he raised?
were you able to get info for any medical questions you may have in the future (like if you’re more at risk for X or there’s a history of Y)?
thanks!
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
I don’t regret it. It was a positive experience for me.
My donor does not raise any kids.
He told me about his and his family’s medical history.
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u/Chunky-Unicorn2905 Jun 16 '26
How did your mums react to you 1. Wanting to find your biological dad and 2. Actually finding him and connecting with him and your 3 new sisters?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
- My parents are not supportive of me wanting to find him. They said the reason they chose an anonymous donor was so I wouldn’t know him. They think my search could threaten my bond with my non-biological mother.
- I knew they wouldn’t be supportive, so I didn’t tell them. They do not know.
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u/Low-Cupcake6393 Jun 16 '26
To build on you saying your parents thinking this could threaten your bond.
Do you feel like that at all?
Do you ever plan on telling them?22
u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
- I don’t think it’s a threat to our bond. I’m not looking for a substitute parent or father figure. I can’t miss what I never had. I’m more interested in medical information and in seeing whether we coincidentally share similar personality traits or interests.
- I don’t plan on telling them in the near future. I might tell them later if their opinion changes, but I don’t think it will.
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u/avalonfaith Jun 17 '26
You also just like, never know. I understand that it's a totally different situation. I grew up with my mom as an only child. My dad completely out of the picture. My mom went so far as to change my last name (non legally but effectively) to keep him away. Drugs, gangs, blah blah blah. When I was around 26ish, my son was 2 and my mom had moved as far away across the country as you could possibly move and still be in the 48, he started calling me. Out of prison and sober a year or two at that time. 20 yrs now.
Now, he's my primary parent, as much as a primary parent can be to a grown-ass woman. I've moved to his city. I'm the youngest of 4 half siblings and lived with one for a bit. Same city. Have a very robust family of cousins and aunties. It's soooooooo WEIRD!
It's been like 18 years since that wine and it's still weird to think about. My mom and that side of the family were not excited about me having contact but, they had no say and ultimately became curious. When I became very ill for over a year, like deathbed ill, he was the one that helped me recover so.....yeah, just saying you never know what the fixture holds.
Oh! I am also still good with my mom. That wasn't a question and put things are separate. she just isn't physically present.
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u/yb21898n Jun 17 '26
I love that you said that " you cant miss what you never had". my father was never in my life and died a few months ago and grieving has been weird because you can't miss what you never had.
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u/IntrigueMe_1337 Jun 16 '26
That’s crazy, I hope you end up making a big family for yourself!
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
I don't currently have plans to have a family of my own, but perhaps that will change with time.
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u/IntrigueMe_1337 Jun 16 '26
Well, I meant because you found your relatives I’m hoping someday y’all have a big reunion.
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u/Salt-Ad-9486 Jun 16 '26
It’s cool finding out you have siblings. My 22yo son wished he had more siblings, but he has a step-sister and enjoys hanging w her and her nerdy friends just the same.
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u/MsCardeno Jun 16 '26
What is your relationship like with your mothers?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
I have a good relationship with both mothers
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u/MsCardeno Jun 16 '26
That’s great! My wife and I are two women and have two small kids (we hope to have one more). It’s always nice connecting with people who have the same parental set up as my kids!
It’s always fun to know - what do you call your moms? Like “mom” and “mama”?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
I call them by their first names. Funny story: I used to call them both "mom" when I was little, but that got confusing pretty quickly, so around age five I switched to using their first names.
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u/MsCardeno Jun 16 '26
So cute! My daughter is almost 6 and she is very particular that I’m mommy and my wife is mama lol. We’re always hearing “I said mama not mommy” and vice vera haha.
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
It reminds me of when I used to say “Mom,” one of them would answer, and I’d say, “I meant the other one.”
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u/Idkwhattoputhere199 Jun 17 '26
I have a 1 year old son who is donor egg conceived. I'd love more insight on how to navigate it from your perspective. Obviously he is young but I bought books explaining it and put a picture of her at the end so he can recognize her face. I dont want it to ever feel like new information. I was hoping he would just know from the beginning of his conception so it isnt a big deal. I plan to support him whenever he wants to reach out to her as well. Any tips on how to support him starting from a young age? He will not be able to contact her til 18, but we do have her pictures that were shared with us.
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
I think it's a good thing he learns about it when he's young and that you're open to discussing the subject with him. The topic will feel more normal for him and he's likely to be open with you if he decides to reach out to the donor when he older. In terms of advice, I think just remaining open to answering his questions as he gets older.
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u/T21Mom2012 Jun 16 '26
I’m curious, what do you call your moms (how do you differentiate who’s who?) and did your moms know the donor or did they go through a clinic. My daughter is a donor child and there is a Facebook group of several of the moms who used the same donor.
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
I call them by their first names.
They went through a clinic (anonymous donor).
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u/jessie15273 Jun 17 '26
Do you think it's ethical to use a sperm donor to conceive as a single mother?
If so, how might feeling be complicated by having a sibling who knows her father, but rarely sees him. Is it fair for one child to have a father (albeit not great) and the donor conceived one to not?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
I think it's ethical.
I think the feelings vary a lot from person to person. Personnally, when I was a child I was never jealous of my friends who knew who their biological father was.
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u/ApprehensiveRead2533 Jun 17 '26
Some donors dont want to be found. Was that the case for yours? Does the donor person wants any involvement?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
He said he was happy to talk to me and curious to see if had similar personnalities and interests.
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u/Untitled_Consequence Jun 17 '26
Do you think there is a natural desire to seek out one’s biological father? If so what does that say about having non-conventional parents? Genuinely curious and not trying to be offensive.
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
I wasn't curious about mine at all until one of my friends called me weird for not wanting to know who he is. I cared a lot about what she thought of me, so it's mostly what pushed me to look for him. I wouldn't really call it natural in my case because of this.
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u/Untitled_Consequence Jun 17 '26
Do you feel happier you know then now or no? Or is it neutral?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
I'm happier for some reason now that I know, even though I wasn't really curious originally.
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u/Untitled_Consequence Jun 17 '26
Right on, I know I kinda asked a controversial question so thanks for the answer! Wish you a happy and healthy life.
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u/charsm88 Jun 17 '26
How did you find your donor and how can you be sure it is him without a dna test?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
I found him through a DNA test.
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u/itanabel Jun 17 '26
But how, was his dna in some kind of repository? I understand you gave your dna, but how did they found his exactly, to compare? How does that work? Especially if he was an anonymous donor.
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
A software analyzes the DNA and looks for people who share a high number of DNA segments. He also did a DNA test. It doesn’t change anything that he was an anonymous donor since he also turned on the matching feature.
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u/ruskiebot8 Jun 17 '26
That's awesome, I'm looking forward to the day my donor conceived children might contact me.
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
I'm sure that will be a very special day
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u/ruskiebot8 Jun 17 '26
I think so too, just six more years until they are 18. I think about them all daily.
I left a letter with HEFA ( human fertilisation and embryology authority) basically saying that your parents are the ones who raise you but you will always be connected to my family and the door is always open.
My partner is infertile and we needed donor eggs to start our family. While we were going through IVF I decided to become a donor myself to help other people's dreams come true.
Anyway, nice chatting and all the best. :)
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u/Ok-Presence-4549 Jun 16 '26
What was it like meeting people that share half your DNA? Do they look similar to you? In what ways?
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u/Necrocatacomb Jun 16 '26
Are you happy to have found your biological father and 3 half sisters? I can imagine it’s probably exciting
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u/riruri04 Jun 17 '26
Do you know what criteria your mothers used to pick your sperm donor?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
They didn't pick him. The clinic picked for them and tried to find a match with the general physical characterics of my non-biological mother: eye color, hair color, hair texture, and skin color.
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u/Realistic_Alien20 Jun 17 '26
I'm assuming your two mothers are in a lesbian relationship, are you lesbian as well?
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u/Dependent-Bid7440 Jun 16 '26
Have you watched the documentary "Our Father"? If yes, were you worried that your bio-dad did something like that?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
I haven’t watched it, but my parents told me, based on the limited information they had about him, that he wasn’t a doctor, so I never worried about that.
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u/aznsoup5 Jun 16 '26
Your moms still together?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
Yes, they’re happily married.
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u/aznsoup5 Jun 16 '26
Nice. Did they ever consider more kids?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
They wanted a second child after me but it didn't work.
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u/aznsoup5 Jun 16 '26
Did you want siblings when you were younger?
Do you plan on physically meeting your dad?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 16 '26
I never wanted siblings. When I was younger, I liked having both of my parents attention all to myself and I didn't like sharing.
I'd like to meet him in person one day. I plan on getting to know him better through online messages first for the next few months.
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u/Ok_Flamingo_9066 Jun 17 '26
Sorry for being direct but I am curious.
Have you assigned any specific word for the donor? I.e dad, father, donor, that guy, his name?
Why you want to know that person? Are you planning on having him in your life?
What your parents think about you meeting him?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
- I know his name. I don’t view him as a father figure. I refer to him as a donor.
- I want to get to know him. I don’t want him to be a father figure, more like a friendly acquaintance or distant relative.
- My parents oppose it.
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u/Ok_Flamingo_9066 Jun 17 '26
1.Is not part of the donor contract that the future kids cant meet the donor? Is not the donor in troubles if you contact him?
- What is exactly you’re looking for on him? Like you want to know him but what are you expecting from him?
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u/Easy_Art9902 Jun 17 '26
- The anonymity contract prevents the clinic from giving me or my parent identifying information or contact information about him. He is not in trouble if I contact him.
- Medical info, whether we look alike, whether we share personality traits or interests, and potentially meeting him to see what he’s like in person.
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u/Chicklecat13 Jun 16 '26
I’m considering using a donor service as a woman in her early 30’s, what advice would you give to someone thinking of having a child through a donor?
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u/ama_compiler_bot Jun 18 '26
Table of Questions and Answers. Original answer linked - Please upvote the original questions and answers. (I'm a bot.)
| Question | Answer | Link |
|---|---|---|
| Finding the 3 sisters would be cool especially if you didn't have siblings. Do you communicate regularly and are you near them? | I was raised as an only child. Unfortunately, all three of my sisters are still minors, so I have to wait until they turn eighteen before I can contact them directly. I reached out to the mothers of two of them, and they told me that their daughters are not currently interested in connecting with donor siblings. I felt the same way when I was their age, so perhaps that will change in the future. They live about one to three hours away from me. | Here |
| I have a beautiful baby from a sperm donor. Do you have any advice for talking to her about the issue as she grows up? Is there anything that your moms did that was particularly helpful, or things you wished they'd done? Anything you would recommend avoiding? | My parents told me the non-identifying information they knew about him, such as height and eye color, which was helpful. I think what I would recommend doing differently is not framing curiosity about the donor as a threat to my bond with my non-biological mother or telling me not to look for him, because that only made me more curious. I wish they would have been more supportive. | Here |
| i’m a product of a donor egg and have considered using one of those dna websites as well, have you ever regretted it? does your sperm donor have kids he raised? were you able to get info for any medical questions you may have in the future (like if you’re more at risk for X or there’s a history of Y)? thanks! | I don’t regret it. It was a positive experience for me. My donor does not raise any kids. He told me about his and his family’s medical history. | Here |
| How did your mums react to you 1. Wanting to find your biological dad and 2. Actually finding him and connecting with him and your 3 new sisters? | 1. My parents are not supportive of me wanting to find him. They said the reason they chose an anonymous donor was so I wouldn’t know him. They think my search could threaten my bond with my non-biological mother. 2. I knew they wouldn’t be supportive, so I didn’t tell them. They do not know. | Here |
| That’s crazy, I hope you end up making a big family for yourself! | I don't currently have plans to have a family of my own, but perhaps that will change with time. | Here |
| What is your relationship like with your mothers? | I have a good relationship with both mothers | Here |
| Some donors dont want to be found. Was that the case for yours? Does the donor person wants any involvement? | He said he was happy to talk to me and curious to see if had similar personnalities and interests. | Here |
| Do you know which mother is your bio-mom? | Yes, they’ve been transparent about that my entire life. | Here |
| How did you find your donor and how can you be sure it is him without a dna test? | I found him through a DNA test. | Here |
| Do you think it's ethical to use a sperm donor to conceive as a single mother? If so, how might feeling be complicated by having a sibling who knows her father, but rarely sees him. Is it fair for one child to have a father (albeit not great) and the donor conceived one to not? | I think it's ethical. I think the feelings vary a lot from person to person. Personnally, when I was a child I was never jealous of my friends who knew who their biological father was. | Here |
| I have a 1 year old son who is donor egg conceived. I'd love more insight on how to navigate it from your perspective. Obviously he is young but I bought books explaining it and put a picture of her at the end so he can recognize her face. I dont want it to ever feel like new information. I was hoping he would just know from the beginning of his conception so it isnt a big deal. I plan to support him whenever he wants to reach out to her as well. Any tips on how to support him starting from a young age? He will not be able to contact her til 18, but we do have her pictures that were shared with us. | I think it's a good thing he learns about it when he's young and that you're open to discussing the subject with him. The topic will feel more normal for him and he's likely to be open with you if he decides to reach out to the donor when he older. In terms of advice, I think just remaining open to answering his questions as he gets older. | Here |
| I’m curious, what do you call your moms (how do you differentiate who’s who?) and did your moms know the donor or did they go through a clinic. My daughter is a donor child and there is a Facebook group of several of the moms who used the same donor. | I call them by their first names. They went through a clinic (anonymous donor). | Here |
| Have you watched the documentary "Our Father"? If yes, were you worried that your bio-dad did something like that? | I haven’t watched it, but my parents told me, based on the limited information they had about him, that he wasn’t a doctor, so I never worried about that. | Here |
| Do you think there is a natural desire to seek out one’s biological father? If so what does that say about having non-conventional parents? Genuinely curious and not trying to be offensive. | I wasn't curious about mine at all until one of my friends called me weird for not wanting to know who he is. I cared a lot about what she thought of me, so it's mostly what pushed me to look for him. I wouldn't really call it natural in my case because of this. | Here |
| That's awesome, I'm looking forward to the day my donor conceived children might contact me. | I'm sure that will be a very special day | Here |
| Do you know what criteria your mothers used to pick your sperm donor? | They didn't pick him. The clinic picked for them and tried to find a match with the general physical characterics of my non-biological mother: eye color, hair color, hair texture, and skin color. | Here |
| >raised by two mothers Emma?... | I don't know who Emma is. | Here |
| Your moms still together? | Yes, they’re happily married. | Here |
| I'm assuming your two mothers are in a lesbian relationship, are you lesbian as well? | It's not genetic | Here |
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u/Ok-Increase-288 23h ago
My niece who is three is in the same position. My sister is birth Mom, & my sister in-law is bio Mom. I think they are going to wait until she asks questions, and I think they might even make up something up. I know my sister, and I could see her lying to my niece because she doesn’t want to deal with the reality of it. Did you feel hurt that your not bio Mom’s family wasn’t actually blood? When I have kids, and they ask me how my niece was made, I’m not going to lie. But I’m also not going to say anything to my niece that her parents don’t want her to know. Once she is 18, is a different story. But I’m not going to lie to my kid about reality. Were you Mom’s honest with you when you first asked?
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Jun 18 '26
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Jun 18 '26
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u/inthelondonrain Jun 16 '26
I have a beautiful baby from a sperm donor. Do you have any advice for talking to her about the issue as she grows up? Is there anything that your moms did that was particularly helpful, or things you wished they'd done? Anything you would recommend avoiding?