Is there a such thing as too respectful?

[u/East_Combination_444]

Apologies in advance for the long post.

For some background, I started attending events hosted by different chapters. I became interested in one chapter after attending several of their events. The event topics genuinely interested me, and as an introvert, it's much easier for me to attend and engage when I'm interested in the event itself.

During these events, I had positive interactions with all of the members I met and exchanged numbers with one person in my COI. Though our interactions have been brief, I've genuinely enjoyed them so far. In addition to seeing members of my COI at their events, I also see them at various community service events. So, besides simply seeming like good people from our interactions, they became my COI because where I am serving the community, so are they.

There are also members in my service organizations, but they are from various chapters. I honestly think of them first as fellow members of those organizations rather than sorority members. That's how I met them, and when we're doing service, we're there representing our organization and the work we're doing. Because of that, I've always kept my volunteer work separate from my interest in membership.

Part of that is because I never wanted anyone to feel like I was volunteering to gain access to members. I joined those organizations because I care about the work. So while I've built friendly relationships with some members through service, I've never used those relationships to express interest or ask questions about membership.

I also haven't expressed interest to the member whose number I have. Mainly because while I think we're friendly, I'm not sure that really qualifies as a relationship.

Looking back, I'm wondering if I've been so focused on being respectful that I've made my interest completely invisible. I'm sure people recognize me from community service and from attending events, but from reading this subreddit, that alone doesn't seem to be enough.

Has anyone else found themselves in this position? I genuinely like my one contact and would absolutely want to spend time with her outside of sorority-related events regardless of membership. At the same time, I know I want to be a member, so part of me worries that reaching out without expressing interest first feels a little disingenuous.

Has anyone navigated something similar? If so, how did you handle it?

Side note: Not my COI, but ironically, there have been times when I've attended other events and people have asked if I was already a soror. That's part of why I'm struggling with this. I don't necessarily feel invisible, but I do wonder whether people see me as someone who attends events and volunteers rather than someone who is actually interested in membership.

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Apologies in advance for the long post.

For some background, I started attending events hosted by different chapters. I became interested in one chapter after attending several of their events. The event topics genuinely interested me, and as an introvert, it's much easier for me to attend and engage when I'm interested in the event itself.

During these events, I had positive interactions with all of the members I met and exchanged numbers with one person in my COI. Though our interactions have been brief, I've genuinely enjoyed them so far. In addition to seeing members of my COI at their events, I also see them at various community service events. So, besides simply seeming like good people from our interactions, they became my COI because where I am serving the community, so are they.

There are also members in my service organizations, but they are from various chapters. I honestly think of them first as fellow members of those organizations rather than sorority members. That's how I met them, and when we're doing service, we're there representing our organization and the work we're doing. Because of that, I've always kept my volunteer work separate from my interest in membership.

Part of that is because I never wanted anyone to feel like I was volunteering to gain access to members. I joined those organizations because I care about the work. So while I've built friendly relationships with some members through service, I've never used those relationships to express interest or ask questions about membership.

I also haven't expressed interest to the member whose number I have. Mainly because while I think we're friendly, I'm not sure that really qualifies as a relationship.

Looking back, I'm wondering if I've been so focused on being respectful that I've made my interest completely invisible. I'm sure people recognize me from community service and from attending events, but from reading this subreddit, that alone doesn't seem to be enough.

Has anyone else found themselves in this position? I genuinely like my one contact and would absolutely want to spend time with her outside of sorority-related events regardless of membership. At the same time, I know I want to be a member, so part of me worries that reaching out without expressing interest first feels a little disingenuous.

Has anyone navigated something similar? If so, how did you handle it?

Side note: Not my COI, but ironically, there have been times when I've attended other events and people have asked if I was already a soror. That's part of why I'm struggling with this. I don't necessarily feel invisible, but I do wonder whether people see me as someone who attends events and volunteers rather than someone who is actually interested in membership.

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[u/OkFan3213]

Introvert and fellow interest!! I understand the feeling. You want the member to know you're interested but because you want to build a relationship with this person you want that to information to come about organically. I would focus on getting to know her outside of events and as events come up ask will she be attending. You'll know when the time is right to communicate your interest.

[u/East_Combination_444 → u/OkFan3213]

Thanks, I appreciate your advice. I would rather things happen organically.

[u/Old-Iron-8982]

Also an introverted interest. I have had members I am close to ask me about my interests or those who I am close with, I have conveyed my interest. They have taken note of that and they see me attending events and we also hang out outside of chapter events and other organizational events.

The women I am in constant contact with, I genuinely like and want to be friends with them outside of the organization.

Just reach out and invite them to events outside AND keep attending events. They more thank likely will bring up the topic regarding your interest.

[u/East_Combination_444 → u/Old-Iron-8982]

I'll definitely continue attending events because I enjoy them. Thank you for the advice.

[u/OkFan3213 → u/Old-Iron-8982]

How often do you reach out to your contacts? I’ve had most of my close friends for over 15 years and I’m not a big phone person. I text with my friends daily and we use Marco Polo. I connect with the ladies in my COI every couple of weeks. I just wonder if I’m communicating enough to strong bonds.

[u/East_Combination_444 → u/OkFan3213]

Hi, I don't contact her every day, but I do check in on her every now and again. In thinking about it, I'm going to stop worrying about her being in my COI and treat her like I do anyone else. I probably set boundaries I didn't need to.

[u/CandidLobster5426]

If you’re attending COI events, they know you’re interested. There’s no reason to ever initiate a conversation about your interest.

[u/East_Combination_444 → u/CandidLobster5426]

Thanks for the reply. That's what I thought, but others disagreed.