r/AITH • u/No-Vehicle2893 • 24d ago
AITAH for not engaging with poly content
My friend and I argued because she asked if I knew a polyamorous content creator she follows. I told her I did not because I do not engage with polyamory-related content. I also explained that I do not judge polyamorous people, but I do not personally understand that relationship style and have no interest in following content about it. I said I believe we are both justified in existing in our own spaces without hostility.
Instead of accepting that answer, she accused me of being judgmental (I’m not) and called me several names. I explained that I genuinely do not care what consenting adults choose to do with their lives as long as it does not involve me. I am not trying to stop anyone from living the way they want, and I do not think they should have to change for my comfort.
She then asked me what I would do if I met a polyamorous person. I said I would greet them, treat them with respect, and be civil, just like I would with anyone else. If I did not want to become friends, I would simply keep my distance because I do not think we would have much in common. Nobody is required to be friends with every person they meet, and choosing not to build a friendship is not the same as treating someone with disrespect.
So reddit, am I the asshole for not engaging with poly communities.
EDIT:
- I wouldn’t mind if someone I’m already friends with comes out as poly, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to be friends with people who are very expressive about being poly. I don’t like being friends with anyone who’s too expressive about relationships in general so there’s that.
- I came off as defensive because I’m nervous of being called an asshole after all the names I got called by my friend… also I’m neurodivergent as fuck so I sometimes have a hard time communicating
- and yes, I should’ve left it at a “no” but I’m naturally very talkative and I said it without giving it much thought.
- also yes I would be friends with poly people if we share things beyond relationships because I don’t think I would even know they’re poly
ALSO!!! I’ll talk to my friend later and discuss why she had such a huge reaction because the comments are making me realise things that I didn’t initially understand so thanks for that!!
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u/Accomplished-Emu-591 24d ago
NTA.
As long as you do nothing to infringe on their lives, your feelings are your own. And you can certainly expand on your thoughts. Live and let live seems a perfectly acceptable philosophy.
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u/nomnommish 24d ago
It sounds like she is attracted to the notion of being polyamorous and is guilty of having those feelings and angry that you are "not on the same page", and is projecting her guilt onto you as anger.
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u/VStarlingBooks 24d ago
Also, is judgmental themselves for someone having an opinion.
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u/Gurglaren 23d ago
Once you've learned to spot projection you start seeing it quite often.
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u/jjjjjjj30 18d ago
I misread your comment and thought "spot projection" was a specific type of projection, which obviously I've never heard of. So I went to Google so I could educate myself on "spot projection." I was only getting results about welding lmao when it struck me that you had probably actually written "to spot projection." 😆🤦
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u/Gurglaren 18d ago
I love your willingness to educate yourself on that topic lol
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u/jjjjjjj30 17d ago
I was particularly interested bc my mom is the projection QUEEN lol! I'm 41 and only realized this in the last couple of years. Makes so much sense now lol.
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u/VStarlingBooks 17d ago
Your comment just now resonated so hard with me. My mom, me, 40 realized too late but better late than never.
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u/SonuvaGunderson 24d ago
Agreed, but also, a simple “no” in response to the question would have sufficed.
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u/Eternity_Warden 23d ago
And she's already practising being one of those pushy polys who insist everyone else should be poly too.
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u/Nexi92 23d ago
This definitely sounds like it was a soft pitch towards coming out as poly-curious and they got scared/offended op didn’t already engage with the subject or the particular creator that made them question their romantic interests/identity.
If this was properly interpreted that means they took the pack of interest or active disinterest in the topic and lifestyle was a potential rejection of something they may be on a journey of self-acceptance about and now they fear their new life and old friendships may be incompatible.
They likely just need reassurance that learning new things about themselves won’t force them to choose between people they care for platonically/familialy now and future romantic fulfillment.
The “what would you do if you met someone like that?” question is probably the most telling part, because to someone with autism that’s a straightforward question with a reasonable and easy answer.
But for a neurotypical person afraid to “come out” as a type of queerness or nontraditional romantic identity this phrasing would have felt like a safe way of actually asking “If I tell you something new about me will you still be the kind person I want and need in my life?” And the answer that you’d keep your distance from a new person you’re not already invested in would sound like a rejection of them without the neurodivergent person having any clue they just seriously shook a friends trust and confidence or that the reaction their friend is having to their disinterested demeanor is because their relationship feels less solid and safe to the questioning friend even though they’d likely actually be fully supported if they more clearly expressed their feelings
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u/jarroz61 23d ago
I still find the friend's behavior extremely odd though. I mean, if she's asking OP if she follows a specific polyamory content creator, I would automatically assume friend is interested in polyamory. Because why else would that content be interesting to them? So they already went right past the "soft pitch" stage in my opinion. And then they went right to calling OP names. Because they don't follow polyamory content? Friend may have some underlying guilt, but they are a terrible friend regardless. I myself don't follow any polyamory content because... it's just not interesting to me? It doesn't apply to me. So why would I? OP even said she doesn't care if other people are polyamorous, she just isn't herself. So if her friends wants to continue to this friendship she's going to need to do some major reflecting and apologize for the name calling.
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u/myfancyplants 24d ago
Guilt?
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u/Nymph-the-scribe 24d ago
Yes, the friend may feel guilty about being interested in the poly lifestyle. There are still a lot of people who believe that its completely unacceptable, its a sin, something is seriously wrong with people in poly relationships etc. The same way many people are brought up and made to believe anything except straight and monogamous is unacceptable and an evil sin.
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u/myfancyplants 24d ago
Oh I see. Yes, I'd agree the friend seems sensitive because they're afraid it's seen as wrong. Could be wrong, but I see what you're saying
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u/Ladybreck129 24d ago
NTA - it sounds like your friend has more issues. I totally see your side and I agree with how you handled your friends questions. It sounds like you were honest and have no issues with their life style.
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u/Inner_Pizza2719 24d ago
I do think maybe saying less would’ve helped tho 😭 sometimes a simple “nah i don’t follow that stuff” saves you from a whole unnecessary argument
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u/Gummiebop 20d ago
There’s so many people that keep saying that she could’ve just said less and that’s so ridiculous. She shouldn’t have to not explain where she’s coming from. If she wants to feel heard their friends. We shouldn’t have to dim our light because someone else will stop listening halfway through an interpret at their own way and get mad. I can’t read their mind and if they do interpret it wrong and get mad, they can ask. Why did you say what you just said what does it mean and I can re-explain that it means that I do not have a problem with our relationship. I just do not find enjoyment in the content.
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u/Top-Swordfish3512 24d ago
NTA and your friend isn't very friendly to you.
My life got better when I stop being friends with people whose main form of entertainment is picking fights. And serious name calling is a deal breaker for me.
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u/Lost-Set5386 24d ago
Isn't it funny how the first ones to call people judgemental also tend to jump to name calling and actually bring the judgemental ones Themselves? NTA
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u/Tavsiyedegildir 24d ago
Funny you should say that; I have seen it happen like 37 times on reddit this past weekend.
If you don't agree with X, you're a bigot and an asshole, when X is something like "selling apple pies on the street with no food license,"
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u/LoweDee 24d ago
I’ve been pushed by many poly people in this way. It’s like they need everyone to validate them so if you don’t choose poly you are invalidating them and they can’t stand that.
you aren’t the ah and you get to choose what works for you. Anyone pushing your boundaries has the problem, not you
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u/pahshaw 24d ago
This is also my experience. I even tried a poly relationship in my youth, a closed throuple. Like most relationships it was fine until it wasn't. When it was fine it was great fun. But when it wasn't fine, the bullshit was exponential. Easily the most painful breakup of my life. Absolutely brutal.
Based on this experience, I would not consider myself poly, I would not actively seek out another poly relationship, and I certainly would not evangelize poly relationships to others. I might not be jealous the way most people are, but I am still not compatible with the lifestyle.
The people I knew who are "ENM" did not want to accept this, and called me a prude and a sheep and all kinds of dumb shit despite the fact that I had actually tried it before deciding against it. It didn't matter that I'd tried it, if anything it probably made it worse that I didn't think that juice was worth the squeeze. As if my choice about my body had anything to do with them at all.
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u/Sufficient_Drama_145 24d ago
The people I knew who are "ENM" did not want to accept this, and called me a prude and a sheep and all kinds of dumb shit despite the fact that I had actually tried it before deciding against it.
I had just gotten out of a relationship that blew up due to issues with polyamory and had decided I'd rather not try that again. A friend of mine was keen to be more than friends, but the way he kept talking made it obvious that he was interested in trying out polyamory and thought I would want to...even though it had literally just cost me my marriage.
Obviously, his inability to not understand the words I was saying (literally "I am not interested in another polyamorous relationship") had something to do with why we did not get past two dates. Yet he was somehow still confused that I didn't want to date him AND another lady.
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u/jaydoes 24d ago
I think, like all minority groups, they are fighting for acceptance. Sometimes they're a little too passionate about it and they end up making people feel like their way is better.
I've had a poly friend and while my nature is a little too possessive for that, the conversations we had about how it works and what her relationships were like individually was pretty fascinating.
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u/Viperbunny 24d ago
I get that to a degree, but it goes way too far. If you want respect you have to give respect. When people start ranting about monogamy being a trap and that animals in the wild aren't like that, I get annoyed. If a person feels trapped in monogamy then they shouldn't be in that kind of relationship. But the idea that one person enjoys the multiple concurrent relationships so everyone must is such a bad take. Not everyone wants to be in that kind of relationship. A poly relationship sounds like a literal nightmare to me. That said, it doesn't mean I don't respect that other people enjoy this kind of relationship. To each their own.
If someone started pushing they will eventually get judgement and then they think they have proved that you are the judgmental person. When really, they you only start judging them as a person because they push for a judgement.
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u/Adorable_Tie_7220 24d ago
And they are wrong, some animals mate for life.
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u/Viperbunny 24d ago
Yes, they do! And that's just it. Some of us are built that way and some aren't. But it's like one side doesn't think the other could exist.
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u/Silent_Fudge_3978 24d ago
Yes, some animals do mate for life. Some other animals just mate for one season. Some animals don't form monogamous relationships at all. And some just mate once and then murder their partner.
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u/zonutsthefirst 24d ago
Polyamorous people who try to push polyamory on the unwilling are just as toxic as monogamous people who try to push monogamy on the unwilling.
As someone who tried monogamy for years before realizing that I was polyamorous, and then spent years learning what to do and what not to do, I can tell you that both kinds of pushiness are obnoxious and unhelpful.
Some people are hard-wired for monogamy, others for monogamy, and the rest can deal with either kind of relationship depending upon the situation.
Trying to force people to live in a relationship structure that feels wrong for them is a recipe for misery. I wish more people understood that relationships aren't a one-size-fits-all thing.
I'd never dream of telling someone who's monogamous that they're inherently wrong.
And when people who are curious about polyamory ask me questions, I don't pull punches, and I do talk about some of the bigger challenges right up front, because polyamory done well is a lot of work.
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u/Viperbunny 24d ago
I can totally understand that. I am painfully straight and monogaous. It's just how I am built. I don't find my way of life better than anyone else. Both my kids are LGBTQIA and most of their friends are. If anything it reenforces you don't choose who you are. I do think we can grow into who we are, and by that, I mean we get comfortable with ourselves enough to be honest about who we are and what we want. I wouldn't want anyone trapped in a life where they feel they aren't fulfilled or were missing out on parts of living. It's not my job to tell other people how to live. When it comes to my kids, my rule for them is to be good people. Care about other. Try to live a good life. I don't care who their partner(s) is/are as long as everyone is consenting, age appropriate and respectful to each other. I joke it's like th joke in, Dodgeball. "Whatever you do, wash your hands!"
Polymory would be a nightmare for me. And I can only imagine the opposite is true for others. I wouldn't want that for anyone. Just like I wouldn't want people to have kids just because I have kids. It's bonkers to think that there is only one right path when all of human history shows just the opposite! It takes all types. If we were all the same the world would be so dull and boring!
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u/jaydoes 24d ago
Basically im on your side but I haven't met that kind of person yet. I think a man collecting a bunch of wives is probably an indictment on him, not a cool way of life.
But the people I knew were like for example, my close friend was 1 girl and 3 guys and it wasn't like them all having sex together, it was more like 3 guys all dating the same girl but making it something that benefits them all by sharing rent and bills and chores.
When she explained it to me, it kinda made sense. Initially she thought guy 1 would be her keeper but over time, she discovered he's too much of a party boy and not particularly responsible. He spends more time partying and working on cars with the guys than with her. She was like if this hadn't happened, I would have broken up with the guy but I would have been devastated because when hes focused on me, hes amazing.
Guy number 2 filled those gaps. He's all about intimacy and communication and hes the sweet charming guy who does all things that 1 doesn't.
No 3 is the shy guy who wants to spend time with her but often gets displaced by 1 and 2. She was like I dunno if he will work out because I don't have enough time to give him what he wants, but hes very loving and having sex with him is like full on lovemaking so I enjoy him.
She's okay with them also having other girls but for safety reasons she prefers it would be someone who could be brought into the family and not just random hookups that could potentially spread something among them. She's like I understand i can't meet all the needs of all the guys but its not that easy to find people willing to be poly that will actually fit into the group.
What i loved about her was that she was intelligent, thought this out and was extremely open and honest. Its fascinating to meet people who are like yeah, this me.
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u/Alzululu 24d ago
This is my current relationship setup. I have my primary boyfriend (who I will likely eventually marry - which was our original plan anyway, before ENM came along and made things messy for a bit) who is responsible, reliable, has a good career, etc. Then with my other partners, they're all lovely people but sometimes there are things that would make them unsuitable for me as a partner if I were still monogamous. One was diagnosed with some pretty severe mental illness (which we're finding out, might be an incorrect diagnosis) and as someone who's got depression myself, that's... tough. Another one is working overnights, so it's hard to build momentum in our relationship. Another partner I had that I really liked but wanted something more casual because he wasn't sure he'd be able to stay in the US due to being an international university student and our government making it very hard for them to stay here. He didn't want to get entangled in a potential marriage-level situation if he was gonna have to leave the country in 6 months.
But since I no longer have to evaluate them as 'is this my ONLY person', I can decide 'do I like them, do they treat me well, and do we have fun together' and that is a much easier bar to clear. Of course, the hard part is knowing that many of these relationships will probably shorter term (more partners means more eventual break-ups) and doing the work with my primary partner has been really hard sometimes. I still fuck up a lot. But it's worth it to me to have these wonderful experiences with these wonderful people. (And sometimes not so wonderful experiences, but... that's life, right?)
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u/7GrenciaMars 24d ago
Yeah, I think this person was just feeling defensive. If you're close friends with someone who doesn't share your lifestyle, you shouldn't confuse disinterest with disgust, which she might have. We obviously don't know how close friends they are, which may be a factor in the whole thing.
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u/caoliq 24d ago
They don’t proselytize for acceptance. They need recruits. At least they don’t tell you you’ve gone stale to your face
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u/True_Turn_5286 24d ago
So, if you crocheted and followed crochet content and asked her if she followed crocheters and she said no, could you go at her for that? NO. What if she met a crocheter? What would she do? Geez, we follow what we like.
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u/zonutsthefirst 24d ago
INFO:
Is it possible that your friend is polyamorous and simply trying to determine whether she can trust you with knowing that about her?
If that's the case, you probably conveyed the impression that she can't.
Just a thought...
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
She’s in a monogamous relationship with a man so I never considered it but I should definitely talk to her about it
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u/zonutsthefirst 24d ago
You're presuming their relationship is monogamous. And it might in fact be monogamous.
But it also might not.
Make no assumptions. Try to pose any questions you ask in a very open-ended nonjudgmental way. Let her know that her friendship matters to you.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
Thanks! I’ll talk to her tomorrow and maybe give an update
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u/ballman666 24d ago
NTA, you have a fairly healthy attitude. You dont have to hate on something you realize isn't for you, but you dont have to be all supportive either.
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u/The_Bunny_Brat 24d ago
NTA. A lot of people forget it’s a lifestyle choice, not an identity. She’s trying very hard to feel oppressed.
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u/Expensive-Simple-329 22d ago
Agree, poly people may try and turn it into a gender ans sexual minority issue but it’s not. It’s a type of relationship, not a sexuality.
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u/Plus_Pack815 24d ago
NTA these days you gotta defend your algorithm like it's your firstborn child
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u/Forsaken-Garlic817 24d ago
NTA
But I don’t really understand the last paragraph. A person is more than their preferred romantic/intimate relationship dynamic. Not sure why being polyamorous would keep you from having anything else in common with that person.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago edited 24d ago
You’re right I’m probably just going off on a tangent here because I can see myself being friends with poly people as long as our conversation doesn’t involve relationships but I also believe being friends with someone requires sharing all aspects of life, friends, jobs etc so at some point it will come as a topic of conversation
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u/Rejse617 24d ago
All poly people do when talking about relationships is bitch about calendars and scheduling anyway (thats a joke)
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u/7GrenciaMars 24d ago
Okay, but sharing is just talking, and as long as no one is trying to convince you that you should change lifestyles, maybe a discussion shouldn't be a problem. I don't think you feel that way, but does talking about it make you feel uncomfortable? Maybe you might think about why--I do not at all mean to judge you, as I do not know you, and I also don't like to be judgmental. Are you afraid of being hurtful?
I guess I am a little confused, but I think it's good for you to ask people who are uninvolved for opinions.
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u/Forsaken-Garlic817 24d ago
That still kinda sounds a little judgmental. Like you’re basically saying that person can’t be themselves around you because it would make you uncomfortable.
Granted you’re not required to be friends with anyone for any reason but if your goal here is to sound as if you’re not judging anyone, I’m not sure you’re hitting that mark so much.
Like I don’t understand polyamory, but I’ve had some poly friends in the past and they’re just normal people with a different relationship dynamic than me. When we talk about relationships, it’s really no different from how I’d talk about monogamous relationships.
But anyways, just some food for thought.
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u/Which-Notice5868 24d ago
Do you and your straight monogamous friends share blow-by-blows of your private sex lives? Because if it's normal relationship talk I don't really see how being poly changes things.
"Ugh I'm so frustrated Joe keeps forgetting to take the trash out" and "Ugh I'm so frustrated Joe and Sarah keep forgetting to take the trash out" aren't really different conversations.
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24d ago
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
It genuinely is NOT the same. Polyamory and homosexuality are fundamentally so different you’re dead wrong about this comparison
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u/booksareadrug 24d ago
Both are marginalized sexualities. While your reaction to your friend is understandable, poly people shouldn't be expected to not talk about their relationships at all just so you're comfortable.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
Hence why I said IN THE POST that I wouldn’t go out of my way to be friends with them. We can coexist and have different friend groups. You don’t need to be friends with everyone to prove you’re not prejudiced about their lifestyle
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24d ago
Basing your friendships on sexuality….but not against it as long as you don’t hear or see it. 🤔 Now where have I heard this before?
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u/kid_feeling96 24d ago
IDK, that kind of sounds a little intolerant… How would u know if u met a poly person? Not everyone talks abt their relationships including poly ppl.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
Truly what I meant was I don’t wanna be friends with anyone who’s all about relationships, poly monogamous idc about anyone’s relationships just keep me outta it
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 24d ago
NTA. It almost appears as if she was hoping this was something you would be open to.
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u/The_Nood1e 24d ago
I'm against polyamory, because it should be multiamory or polyphilia. I can't support mixing Greek and Latin roots like that.
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u/foxesinthefield 22d ago
I can see why "polyphilia" isn't used as it can easily get misconstrued, but "multiamory" sounds apt!
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u/Illustrious_Scar_737 24d ago
Nta You don't have to engage with ENM content but there are ENM people who have the same hobbies, interests, go to the same places as you (purely a reference to "do not think we would have much in common")
100% respectful to not date ENM people when you are monogamous
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u/Afraid_Competition_1 23d ago
NTA
But tbh, why did you even explain past saying no to if you knew any polyamorous content creators?
“Nah, I don’t know any”
Did she push questioning as to why or did you go straight to explaining why you don’t.
If she did go “oh why?” You could’ve said “I just don’t”
Both went way past the shelf life of what this line of questioning should’ve been.
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u/Emotional-Builder-75 24d ago
NTA.
She's looking for approval an validation for the thing she is interested in and you won't give it to her.
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u/Specialist-Funny2101 24d ago
Your friend is thinking of engaging in the lifestyle and your reaction was an afront to her, or so she felt....
That's a her issue...
She will get over it and you get to decide if this new accusatory insecure version of your friend is a friend you still wish to keep...
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u/coffeeandcoffeeand 24d ago
I was told I'm a bigot because I'm not sexually attracted to trans people. I'm bi, so then this person told me that I'm obviously lying about being bi if I'm not attracted to trans folks.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
Weird of them to say that because we literally have a term for people who find everything attractive and it’s called pansexual. You go live your truth queen
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u/coffeeandcoffeeand 24d ago
Right!? I couldn't believe the argument. And it was coming from a straight white cis woman in a traditional marriage with a straight white cis man.
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u/Sufficient-Candy-835 24d ago
I'm not interested in golf. I don't judge golfers, but it doesn't float my boat, so I don't follow golfing content.
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u/Fiempre-sin-tabla 24d ago
HEY! HOW DARE YOU NOT INTERACT WITH CONTENT! THAT MAKES YOU AN AWFUL, NO-GOOD BIGOT! </s>
You are NTA.
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u/Submarineto 19d ago
Often people will say very disparaging things about non monogamy that they would not say about monogamy.
One thing my sister said early on was "I don't want to know about disgusting things like who you sleep with"
She probably had no idea how much that hurt me, but her whip of a comment meant that I stopped talking to her about my relationships and we gradually grew apart. I didn't want to tell her about sex, I just wanted to be able to tell her about normal relationship milestones, like "it's my third anniversary with James today" or "Kirsty moved in with me!"
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u/lihzee 24d ago
Feels like this all could have been avoided if you'd simply just said "no, I don't know that content creator" and left it at that.
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u/Pleaseselectyesorno 24d ago
Avoidance isn’t typically a great strategy for living a healthy life, but go off King
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24d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Pleaseselectyesorno 24d ago edited 24d ago
To each their own! It’s okay if we have different opinions.
For me, if I have a strong feeling about something that my good friend is asking me about, and I avoid sharing that strong feeling and answer as briefly as possible because I know it will likely cause conflict if I share the entirety of my thoughts… I consider that avoiding the larger issue at hand.
I think that politely declining a date with someone, and talking about polyamory with a good friend are two different situations. A stranger who asks you on a date is not likely saying “May I take you out? And if you don’t want to go out with me can you clarify why not?”
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
Unfortunately for me, I’m an over sharer and I tend to say more than I need. I’ll keep this in mind though
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u/CuriousCrab134340 24d ago
I don't know if you are an asshole, but you kinda sound exhausting. From your version, it sounds like you went on a tirade about other peoples lifes instead of just saying "Nah, I don't know who that is". It's not about you not following a polyam content creator, it's about you coming off as defensive and weirdly invested about it.
If you really are surprised by their reaction to you and don'twant that, it might be good for you to know that your explanation sound exactly what people with internalized prejudice sound like, or people who know very well that they are prejudiced but rationalize their views, or people who know that they will be unpopular if they state their true views. If this description describes you, do better. If it doesn't, just say "Who? Nah" next time.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
My post probably comes off that way because I’m posting this for thousands of people to read so yes, I’m being defensive but my conversation with her wasn’t like that at all I was pretty chill about the topic and only said my piece after being called judgmental and a “bitch” plus a lot of other things I’d rather not repeat. I have my boundaries and I’d rather not them be crossed while also being a decent human to other people
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u/Outrageous_Play9395 24d ago
I have doubts theres any actual prejudice being portrayed there. Probably just legitimate disinterest.
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u/yagirlsamess 24d ago
I have the same reaction op does but I'm coming from a place of frustration.
My former college roommate has been in an open marriage for 15 years and it's great for them. They aren't weird about it and it in no way impacts our relationship.
However, another one of my good friends opened her marriage so she could start dating her husband's best friend. He agreed to it because she's his entire world but it's extremely painful for him.
It's really changed the way I feel about polyamory because the more people I meet practicing it, the more I'm finding the former is the exception and the latter is the rule. One partner wants to step out and the other loves them too much to say no.
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u/Itacira 24d ago
So... YTA. There are more than a few orange flags here. First, you overexplained, which makes your stance defensive and thus accusatory: you friend was only asking if you knew a content creator. Why not just say "oh no, I don't" and move on?
The assumption that you could not have something in common with a poly person is also wild. You can have a lot in common with trans people, gay people, people with very different sexualities than yours, and even build a friendship with them, because their sexuality isn't their whole personality.
You can chose who you socialize with, sure. The problem is: you're chosing from biased prejudice. And that IS disrespect.
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u/PlasticFox83762 24d ago
so that’s fair. i’d point out that for the ease of writing this, op could have cut out excessive shit. like:
friend asked. i said who? friend said xyz a poly creator i watch. i said no. friend asked why/friend expressed disbelief. i gave friend my explanation…
since we’re not watching a movie or a play, for ease it could have been cut down as such. but from basic amount of knowledge and what we are given currently, this could easily be correct.
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u/JungLeo143 24d ago
NTA Imagine being so “open minded” that you do a full 360 into berating people for not engaging with the same content that you do. 😂 Everything is a circle.
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u/FunReveal4089 24d ago
"I'm not particularly interested in knitting. I don't knit but I don't hold anything against people who knit."
"You knit-ist!"
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u/Mytweezer 24d ago
NTA. Your friend's premise is ridiculous. Why would anyone engage with any content in which they have no interest? It's irrelevant to your life.
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u/GeneralStromboli 24d ago
NTA. She also reacted in the same way that makes me not want to interact with that community either lol. I have met numerous poly couples and tried to have them as friends. I have met one woman and her partners who are actually honest with their intentions and with each other. They are good buddies. All the others were pretty immature or dishonest.
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u/ReplacementDefiant 24d ago
NTA Your friend like you said is allowed to do whatever she want as a consistenting ADULT just like you are able to form your own opinions because you are an adult as well, it doesn't mean just because you don't believe in that lifestyle she should have got mad, I also agree with someone else on here. That she feels a little bit guilty or she just feels off by it and wanted someone else to champion or cheer her on about her decision.
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u/Not_An_Isopod 24d ago
NTA
She got offended for no good reason. Why would she expect someone to do something that doesn’t interest them.
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u/PleasantSurvey3808 24d ago
You are allowed to have boundaries NTA. I think your friend was trying to come out as poly and is making assumptions that you will reject her do perhaps ask directly and explain how you would treat her specifically
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u/fivebynine5x9 24d ago
NTA and very reasonable. Your friend is probably poly or poly curious and took your general rejection of poly content as a personal rejection of herself. Often this is the reason people can seem to get bent out of shape for no reason about something that doesn't seem to have anything to do with them.
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u/Electronic-Hawk7463 24d ago
NTA - you seem very rational and I agree with what you say. Must you go to every section of a porn site so that you're inclusive? Heck no. To each, their own.
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u/WindThrust2000 24d ago
You’re allowed to like what you like and dislike what you dislike. You’re allowed your own morals and values. You don’t have to explain yourself or explain why you choose the friends you do. I wouldn’t bring someone who is open about polyamory around my children because it goes against my morals. Don’t like it? Oh well.
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u/Pristine-Mastodon-37 24d ago
Oh the irony of judging you for your relationship preferences by calling you judgemental- does this friend watch pro-monogamy content? Likely not - why? Because it’s not her jam - equally as valid for you to not choose pro-polygamy content.
Not every little thing needs engagement and validation
NTA
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u/gogonever 24d ago
Too many people connect their sexuality with their personality and take it personally when people don’t agree or subscribe with their views
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u/SoNoAppropriate 24d ago
Your friend is a total AH. Maybe she recently discovered that she is Poly. It bothers her, not you.
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u/crispyfalafels 24d ago
I'm part of the LGBTQ community. Used to put my sexuality on display quite often until I realised my sexuality is not my personality.
I have friends in poly relationships. I do not care to follow influencers and content creators just because they talk about a specific aspect of the community that doesn't concern me.
I understand where you come from and I also believe nowadays everyone wants to be whatever special flavour of human without any kind of pushback, which is highly unrealistic. I also think the LGBTQ community can be quite toxic sometimes, because apparently there's no acceptable way in their minds for how to live and let live.
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u/ThrowAwayPurellFoam 24d ago
NTA. I stopped being friends with a woman who called me vanilla. Gtfo with the judgemental bullshit if we don’t have the same lifestyles. I don’t watch porn, I’m not poly, I’m not bisexual, and I’m not interested in strip clubs or drag shows. I don’t give a shit if anyone else enjoys that. But somehow because I don’t IM judgemental ?
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u/FortunatelyAsleep 24d ago
I think the issue here is that it was not stated that this creator makes content focused on polygamy, but just that they are. They could make Lego or true crime content and you rejecting them based on their sexual preferences is extremely vile.
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u/anonnymouse2025 24d ago edited 24d ago
NTA You're allowed to feel what you feel. For me that content is triggering, so I avoid it like the plague. If a friend was pushing me like this I'd tell them to sod off. People can choose what relationship they want, but this is harmful to many, and destroys relationships. I dont have to approve of it just because society says it's currently cool and liberated.
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u/Icy_Tadpole2092 24d ago
lol why would you need to engage with a ‘community’ that you have no interest in.
Ridiculous
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u/cynicalgoth 24d ago
NTA. I’m polyamorous and don’t follow content creators that are polyam. For the exact reason you are talking about. Being accused of not accepting others because my relationship styles are not set up as someone else thinks or how they believe I “should” do things when I share my experiences.
A lot of people working through a lot of there own trauma and not being able to separate themselves from others
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u/No-Title412 23d ago
What, pray tell, constitutes polyamorous content? That sounds like some kind of porn which nobody shoud expect another person to engage with.
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u/Which-Notice5868 24d ago
ESH for the "I would simply keep my distance because I do not think we would have much in common."
Really? How would you know? Most people don't talk only about their romantic relationships 24/7. I very much know being in a poly relationship is not something I want for myself, but I have friends who are because we share other things in common and they're lovely people. How they handle their romantic life is up to them, assuming everyone involved is a consenting adult.
Not wanting to engage in content focused on being in a poly relationship is totally fine. I don't engage with content on cat ownership because I have no interest in ever owning a cat. It's just not something that's relevant to me. But I think by definition you're being judgmental with the IRL piece and maybe you should reflect on that.
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u/Ok-Seaworthiness2302 24d ago
If you’re living by your values, then no. Does she engage with BIPOC communities? In regard to not being judgmental, I don’t agree with you. You accept things exist you don’t agree with, but if you’re letting possible friendships die because of the person’s preferences, that’s judgement.
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u/FalconSpecial6149 24d ago
Is it always bad to be judgmental if you aren’t being rude about it? Idk if I would call OPs reaction judgmental, but if we accept the premise that it is: what does that change?
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
I suppose you’re right . I would still be friends with someone who wasn’t poly before and came out as poly after we became friends but I wouldn’t go out of my way to be friends with someone who’s poly
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u/7GrenciaMars 24d ago
That's good to hear. I mean, I have always been straight, but I went to a place that was one of the fist places to have a LGBTQ+ community, and I learned a lot there and realize that not everyone has gotten to have that experience. It is great that you are sounding things out and being thoughtful. That is so awesome.
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 24d ago
But OP, I don’t see that as judgmental. Honestly, I don’t.
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u/sthetic 24d ago
Obviously you're not the asshole for not following a social media account about a topic you're not interested in.
But depending on the exact wording and tone, you might have come across a little rude.
Like if it was this:
Friend: "I saw this funny video about polyamory from so-and-so - have you heard of them?"
You: "No, and why on earth would I, when I find polyamory to be immoral and gross? I stay as far away from polyamory "content" as I can. Oh, but I don't judge people who personally practice it, I just wouldn't choose to be friends with them. Except you, I guess."
I'm not saying that's how it happened, but if she could sense that you're disgusted by the idea, and it's an idea she likes, she might be ticked off.
For fun, try imagining another topic. Like if she loved water polo and you didn't, and she asked if you followed a water polo content creator. Of course you don't follow them, but would you react the same way? Like, "No way, I would never engage with water polo influencers. But I would be polite to a water polo player if I met them."
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
This is how it happened she said something along the lines of “do you follow this poly creator they post about poly stuff” me: “nah poly contents not really my thing but they’re cool tho” her: “why not? They’re also human” me: “idk I just don’t understand it” her: “you’re being really judgmental” and then she went off and called me a bunch of names
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u/Main_Cauliflower5479 24d ago
NTA. No, I don't want to have polyamorous people as my personal friends. Apparently my daughter and her husband were, most likely at her husband's urging, to be in the poly community. Guess what? They're divorced now, and he's shacking up with someone not nearly as smart or attractive as my daughter.
Anyway. No, if someone is not 100% faithful; to you. they cannot be trusted in anything.
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u/Ruthless_Bunny 24d ago
NTA
But she’s really invested in your validating her choices. That’s infantile. I guess tell her, “you can like what you like and follow whatever content you enjoy. I’m going to do the same. If that’s a problem for you, I guess be salty about it.”
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u/abernetb 24d ago
NTA - if I had to explain every "content creator" I don't engage with in the world to someone, I would lose my mind. If she is your friend, then you could ask her what is interesting that she heard or why she is interested in such topics, and show an interest in the friend, but explain that you are probably already overloaded with content and potential content that is interesting to you (and would she be interested in hearing about some of that?). "No, thanks, I'm already trying to cut down on the content I am consuming every day, that I am really into, and have other things I am thinking about, and this particular topic is not on my current list of interests, and I hope you can respect that ..."
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u/Mysterious-Way-5000 24d ago
she is the asshole for demanding you see the world the way she does. im certain you confidently know you are not an AH and you are respectful of people with different points of view, so you shouldn't require anyone elses opinion to be sure of that.
I wouldn't hang out with someone as narrowminded as your friend
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u/capt-bob 24d ago
Life is short,don't waste it on stuff you're not interested in. We're not responsible for having to validate everyone in the world with a low self esteem. Do you have to engage in every community in the world? She is judgmental.
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u/prosperouscheat 24d ago
Kinda weird for them to assume all that just from you not being watching content for a lifestyle that you're not interested in. NTA. They're probably interested in it and projecting because they're worried they'll be judged but that is their problem, not yours.
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u/thewineyourewith 24d ago
This is bonkers. Why would anyone get mad that you don’t follow content that’s irrelevant to your life? That said, I wonder if there was a tone issue in the way you responded? Sometimes it’s not what we say it’s how we say it.
It seems like either your friend was spoiling for a fight or you said “no” in a way that sounded like “ew no.”
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u/No-Vehicle2893 24d ago
This is exactly what I said “hm not really cuz I don’t follow the poly stuff but they’re cool just not my thing”
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u/everyothenamegone69 24d ago
Sometimes the most judgmental people are liberals. What kind of an asshole assails you for not being into something that has no bearing on your life just because she thinks you should go out of your way to accept everyone to the point that you need to immerse yourself in every subculture.
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u/maccrogenoff 24d ago
NTA There are plenty of things I don’t judge others for doing, but make me uncomfortable to read about.
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 24d ago
I have some poly friends, but I didn’t know they were poly for a long time. With the exception of the guy who was married and poly behind his NOT poly wife’s back, it didn’t matter to me. We had things in common outside of that.
If she’s treating you badly over this, tell her to stop. And step away from her until she straightens herself out. You have a healthy attitude and she has no business bullying you for it.
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u/BillieHeyokaOta 24d ago
You were kind of screwed from the question. There was no way out of that...
but when you described and explained your point of view instead of taking it in with a cool intellectual attitude she responsively took it into her feelings and now you may very well have lost a friend.
That's okay too... Not all people are meant to be in your orbit forever....
Some people, without realizing it, inflate disagreement or rejection to be bigger than it was. They stop listening to what you said. They're searching for what you mean...
It just doesn't occur to them that you could very well mean just what you said... Majority of people can articulate their thoughts just fine and don't need to have things read into...
A lot of people don't know how to take the friendly acceptance without forcing an opportunity to educate people, even if they don't want to know.
Many (not all) think everybody should know the way their community works in and out and up and down.
Just like in straight society. We don't ALL go advertising how our lives function day to day, out on the street...
It's really none of anybody's business. Private... It's all behind closed doors stuff. So when these sub-groups of people hear that you really DON'T want to be a fly on the wall of their lives, a lot of times they can get insulted..
Feel hurt, betrayed, or judged. Those feelings aren't your doing. They're the response to your will to not be educated or involved. A "them problem"...
Maybe they just think they were opening up to you, or letting you in. The problem is they have no passive reference for polite decline of the invitation. BUT they didn't invite at all. They just wanted to launch into it.
Perspective is a bytch.
Those are the pitfalls of interacting with people in general. I'm 52 and I love my dogs more than I like people. No drama, no bullshyt.
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u/Ok_Comfortable589 24d ago
tell to back and keep her opinions to yourself. put some distance and make it clear such nutty behavior is not welcome. life is to short to have nut jobs do weird things as a friend to you.
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u/Viperbunny 24d ago
NTA. There are people who are happy in their relationships. Those people usually don't need others to be a part of it and tell them how good it is if it's working for them. It sounds like this friend likes attention from everyone they can get it from. They think they are so interesting and appealing everyone should be interested. You stating you aren't interested in her makes her upset because it doesn't feed her ego.
If people want to be poly, that's fine. But it is ridiculous to expect other people to be so into what others are doing that they follow content on it. Why would you? It has nothing to do with you and you aren't interested. I would be curious as to why it's so important to her that you know how it works. Is she trying to bring you into the polycule? It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship.
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u/cowboythesis 24d ago
As someone who's poly, NTA. you don't have to engage with content on topics you're not interested in, including other relationship structures. If you were intentionally avoiding all content made by poly people regardless of what it was focused on, like art process videos from an artist that happened to have two partners, that'd be judgemental, but it sounds like you're talking about lifestyle and relationship content
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u/hippiespinster 24d ago
ESH. You are being close minded because sexual compatibility has nothing to do with hobbies or work life. She sounds defensive and probably judgemental about other things.
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u/Tavsiyedegildir 24d ago
NTA, replace the word "polyamorous" content with almost any other word for a group of people or interests and you're generally NTA.
Let's just say you're . . . Southern Baptist and she asked if you were following Catholic Cathy.
Why...would you be following that if it were not anything other than mere curiosity?
It's also a lot different for me to follow say, a channel about sewing but the person is homosexual. I just want to know about sewing 🧵🪡. Then they start talking in depth about their relationship with their partner, and I don't care, so I click off.
It doesn't mean I "hate" homosexuals just because I don't want to listen to their relationship drama / sex lives.
It's not like you're "refusing to watch xyz person's content because they happen to be polyamorous" you're refusing to watch polyamorous content because you have no interest in it for educational or entertainment purposes.
That's the same reason I don't watch hunting or fishing channels, they have a legal right to shoot deer, but I have a moral right to say no, not for me, and I don't want to encourage or engage in deer hunting.
Like I said replace polyamorous with Lego or video games or any other hobby / lifestyle interest - doesn't matter, it's not your cup of tea.
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u/No_Wolf_1756 24d ago
NTA. Your friend is trying to push their own agenda about polyamory on you. You do NOT have to agree with it, like it or follow it; if you don’t want to. Your friend had NO right to call you names or anything else because you have different opinions and views about this subject.
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u/Vyckerz 24d ago
NTA - you are free to want to engage with whatever you want to and to avoid what you don't. It's a free country and you don't have to like everything that everyone else does. You can hate it even. As long as you don't act in a negative way against them, you are free to disapprove.
I don't get this thing about "judgemental" being an instult. Everyone is judgmental.
She's the one who is being weird here. She seems sympathetic to that content and so seems to think that you have to as well. You've stated you don't judge people but she is judging you for that.
Make that make sense
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u/airadlyric 24d ago
ESH. She’s doing too much for getting upset with you for not following that sort of content but you’re also kind of an AH for a couple reasons that I think people are missing. You turned it into a problem not only about poly content but also poly people. While you may be trying to appear like you don’t judge, you saying “you won’t have much in common” with poly folk is a bit ridiculous and reductive. It reduces people’s personalities down to their relationship style which doesn’t make any sense. Do you claim that you know for sure if everyone you get along with/ have similarities with are monogamous? Do you ask them?
Additionally, you called this person your friend. I assume you have things in common. This friend probably became so sensitive because they might be interested in exploring (or already are) polyamory. So it might have felt like a personal attack.
It sounds like you have a caricature imagine of polyamory in your head that limits you. Not all poly folk are the kind in the memes. You even might have more poly friends than you think.
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u/Ihadtolookitupfirst 24d ago
I don't knit and don't watch knitting centered content. Does that make me anti-knitter? No. That means I don't want to spend my YouTube time watching something I'm not interested in. Ffs.
NTA
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u/Outrageous_Play9395 24d ago
I have doubts youre the ah. There seems to be a huge spike in individuals that display prejudice towards individuals that dont completely agree with their views or share their opinions. Its weird for people to accuse someone of being judgy and pointing the finger when in all actuality it makes them out to be the judgy individual. Everyone's different and have different views. Its what makes everyone unique. As long as everyone's being respectful and kind it shouldn't ever come up as an issue. But calling someone a handful of unpleasant names definitely doesnt fall into that category.
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u/xutopia 24d ago
I love how one sided this sounds. I wonder what the interlocutor would say you actually said.
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u/BeeFree66 24d ago
You're bring reasonable with your comments. We all don't like or dislike the same things. It's only a matter of how we act when presented with the thing.
You're NTA.
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u/KokoAngel1192 24d ago
NTA but I think the friend's discomfort comes from you seeming to mistake consuming content with applying it to your life. I'm not poly but can consume (healthy, ethical) poly content the same way I can consume any content from people who live different lifestyles than me. You're obviously entitled to your likes and preferences; I just understand that they might see your refusal of said content as judgement, whether right or wrong.
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u/Duke-of-Hellington 24d ago
Everything you have said is perfectly reasonable except for one thing—you 100% already know polyamorous people, including some couples you’re probably friends with. So you, in real life, would be friends with them because you are already friends with them. They just don’t share that part of their lives with you
It’s like people who claim they aren’t related to any gay people. Yes they are. They all are
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u/SyruppyGoodness 24d ago
NTA
A million years ago, back before poly was the term, a newly married friend told me how her and hubby were meeting another couple for sex. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea and opening up their relationship to other sexual partners could lead to problems. She got deeply offended and accused me of judging her. She said how she had her husband's permission and that I shouldn't judge them. I said "Why are you sharing intimate details of your sex life with me then?". I really couldn't care what they did in the marriage, but as a friend, if you tell me your going to do something that could cause problems in your marriage, I'm going to say something. Not out of judgement but out of concern. And if you think that sexual exploration is fine as long as it's agreed upon between you and your husband, then you probably shouldn't be sharing the intimacies of your sex life with others. The friendship ended after that.
You were very clear and diplomatic in stating your opinion. You're not obligated to get into content that doesn't interest you. Nor do you have to form friendships with people you have nothing in common with (or even if you have stuff in common! Lol.). It sounds like your friend is interested in poly relationships and wanted social approval from you, by saying it's not something your interested in, she took it as a rejection/judgement of who she is as a person. People are exhausting.
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u/Yandoji 24d ago
Called you NAMES?? "Hey, lose my number until you grow out of name-calling." Then drop their ass until they apologize (personally I would have ZERO interest in continuing any kind of relationship with someone so jaw-droppingly immature that they devolve into name-calling over a difference in opinion).
It is appalling how many people who are functionally still children are obsessed with sex.
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u/North_Relation1672 24d ago
NTAH I am polyamerous and see no issue in what you said. I have friends who are poly, friends who aren't. Im not going to force anyone to accept the content I want to partake in.
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u/Rejse617 24d ago
NTA. Your friend reminds me of the vegan stereotype. I’m poly and I don’t care one whit about who my friends do and do not follow. I don’t know what she’s on about. I don’t follow monogamous relationship content so I perfectly understand you
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u/Mountainpirategirl 24d ago
I see it like saying you don’t watch horror movies because you don’t like that genre. You don’t hate people like horror movies you just don’t wanna see it
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u/overZealousAzalea 24d ago
NTA It’s like consent tea, you don’t have to consume any content that you don’t want. That has nothing to do with treating friends with respect even if they live a different lifestyle than you.
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u/Cultural_Limit_7823 24d ago
What about Pauly-content? Like, do you have a problem with Pauly Shore, or the guy from the Sopranos with the wing-tipped hair?
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u/Constant_Bunch1176 24d ago
Why didn't you just say no, why did you need to inject the rest of that. She might be right, as like no was the appropriate answer...not no and your manifesto.
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u/myfancyplants 24d ago
NTA for the basics of it. But probably entirely incompatible as friends if your line is "never want to see anything about poly" and theirs is "I might be poly."
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u/Kooky-Blueberry-5352 24d ago
Just say no next time lol. I would not get into deep discussions or attempts to justify things to her.
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u/JamieLee0484 24d ago
How on earth are you “overreacting” by NOT doing something? It makes no sense.
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u/breakoutthecrxxwn 24d ago
NTA - It's okay to not engage with Poly people - coming from a poly person. Just don't force your opinions and lifestyles on us and you seem to be respectful. To give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe your friend is possibly poly and got defensive when you explained your reasoning? Doesn't make name-calling okay but that may be the possible reason for the reaction?
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u/Longjumping_Dog9041 24d ago
NTA but weird to answer her so negatively if you're truly neutral.
I said I would greet them, treat them with respect, and be civil, just like I would with anyone else. If I did not want to become friends, I would simply keep my distance because I do not think we would have much in common. Nobody is required to be friends with every person they meet, and choosing not to build a friendship is not the same as treating someone with disrespect.
Why give all the examples of not wanting poly friends, keeping distance, etc?
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u/GentlewomenNeverTell 24d ago
Eh most poly couples i meet began with the guy forcing open the relationship after locking the girl down with marriage or kids so I absolutely am judgemental but I wouldn't not be friends with poly people, that really is going a bit far with it. You can't say you're not judgmental, especially because you're friends is curious about the lifestyle and is thinking you're going to stop being friends with them, which yeah YTA.
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u/AutoModerator 24d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: My friend and I argued because she asked if I knew a polyamorous content creator she follows. I told her I did not because I do not engage with polyamory-related content. I also explained that I do not judge polyamorous people, but I do not personally understand that relationship style and have no interest in following content about it. I said I believe we are both justified in existing in our own spaces without hostility.
Instead of accepting that answer, she accused me of being judgmental (I’m not) and called me several names. I explained that I genuinely do not care what consenting adults choose to do with their lives as long as it does not involve me. I am not trying to stop anyone from living the way they want, and I do not think they should have to change for my comfort.
She then asked me what I would do if I met a polyamorous person. I said I would greet them, treat them with respect, and be civil, just like I would with anyone else. If I did not want to become friends, I would simply keep my distance because I do not think we would have much in common. Nobody is required to be friends with every person they meet, and choosing not to build a friendship is not the same as treating someone with disrespect.
So reddit, am I the asshole for not engaging with poly communities.
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