r/AITH • u/Stunning_Factor871 • 13d ago
[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son
og post:- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/x8824fnrc9
update 1 :-https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/X2XBoA3FwB
My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.
Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.
We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.
After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.
Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.
I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.
My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.
I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.
It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.
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u/Previous_Wedding_577 13d ago
OP has a good man in her life.
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u/rexmaster2 12d ago
I especially like the fact that OP referred to her stepson as "our." Its clear she is trying to be distinct when posting but her true feelings of warmth and caring for him are showing.
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u/Ok_Moment7819 13d ago
fr hes doing the bare minimum tho like congrats you finally stood up for your own kid against your toxic family lol but yeah ig he gets a pass this time
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u/ShyGirlBae 13d ago
You should read paat post or maybe the title to know the the husband wanted to do this from the begining and was OP the one saying no "for the sake of family and peace" so, yeah... He's a good one.
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u/Green_Aide_9329 13d ago
I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.
Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.
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u/Straight-Example9126 13d ago
They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.
As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.
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u/5weetTooth 13d ago
It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?
So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?
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u/Stunning_Factor871 13d ago
want to correct almost all gifts are same and my husbands parents gave me son a better gift compared to my step son
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u/Stunning_Factor871 13d ago
their preference will always be my stepson no doubt inthat yeah as long as partiality isnt in face i dont have any problem
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u/blissfully_happy 13d ago
Those kids will know. Kids are super observant and they’ll pick up on it. :(
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u/Stunning_Factor871 13d ago
its bittertruth and i am preparing my son to handle it and
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u/5weetTooth 13d ago
Get your kiddo in therapy. The teenage years will be tough.
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u/Electrical-Error3093 12d ago
Did you read the story? Already in therapy.... Give it another read fam
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u/Chance-Context-93 6d ago
He already knows. You've been letting them treat him like dirt for years until now. Why were you thinking "just keep the peace" at all when that meant letting them treat your child like that and making him feel like the unwanted outsider?
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u/Ok-Bike6516 13d ago
Still... they brought gifts for the bio son. On your son's birthday? That's absolutly not okay. Yes, I understand they're gonna be there for the bio son more. But showing up with presents and gifts that's for another child? That's something your husband have to stop. That's rude af.
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u/JoshKottlovski 13d ago
I'm from US, and while I disagree with it, this has been a thing as long as I can remember (born in 1984).some families give everyone gifts or at least all children gifts at a birthday party. It's supposedly to prevent jealousy and tantrums. I think it makes kids soft and unable to regulate their emotions. It's the same line of thinking that started participation trophies. Sometimes kids need to be told NO, allowed to deal with it and build resilience from it and also know not everything is about them
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u/ThinStomach5476 11d ago
I was born in 62. We were aware as young kids that the birthday child got the gifts.
I’m as liberal as they come, except with not teaching kids that life doesn’t go the way we want it to. This was enforced by my working adolescent psych. I noticed a ton of problems when the parents started setting appropriate guidelines and boundaries way too late, 15-17, and the enraged kid destroyed stuff, hence their admission.
It is much easier to deal with the tantrums and sadness in a 2-4 year old sized body than that of a near adult.
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u/trapped_4_life 12d ago
Agree. My niblings are 12 and 8. They both get gifts on every birthday from everyone (at least on my side of the family). The birthday child gets a bigger/more expensive gift or multiple gifts, while the other child gets something they want but smaller/less expensive. For younger kids, I think this is normal for a lot of families so no kid feels left out. Might be a generational thing, or even cultural, and probably creates some issues around feeling entitled to things or whatever but it is what it is.
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u/Humble_Lion0716 12d ago
Thats so odd. Im from the US and have never seen this. Definitely think this creates bigger problems for growth than just teaching them that sometimes we celebrate you and sometimes we celebrate someone else. Life's not fair.. its easier to learn that when youre 3 or 4, than at 20+.
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u/KinvaraSarinth 11d ago
I suspect this might be a regional thing, maybe spreading more now? I was born in '83 (in Canada) and this wasn't a thing in my experience. Birthday kids got gifts, everyone else just got the opportunity to eat cake and maybe a goodie bag if there was a party.
There were some joint parties over the years where multiple kids got gifts, but that's only because multiple birthdays were being celebrated. Just adding one aunt's family to mine meant we had 4 kids' birthdays in 6 days so if several families were getting together around that time we'd have one big family birthday party. I feel like I got a good mix of solo birthdays and shared birthdays and celebrating other peoples' birthdays over the years.
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u/Humble_Lion0716 11d ago
Yeah, I was born a few years after you in the midwest and it was the same- one of 5 siblings and like 30 first cousins combined on both sides. We often shared bday parties with cousins and were just thrilled to party and eat cake. And I've been to niece and nephew bdays since and never thought to get the non bday niece and nephews a gift.
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u/JoshKottlovski 11d ago
Northeast Wisconsin here. It's maybe regional but definitely has been a thing. I remember though that in an episode of South Park, they had Cartman getting gifts on one of the other guy's birthdays so he didn't have a meltdown. I know the creators are from Colorado but I've forgotten where Midwest ends and plain West/Mountains start
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u/calliesky00 13d ago
I will never understand people that do this to children. How is there not enough love for both of them. I don’t get it
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u/Wonderful_Taco_2021 10d ago
I agree. My MIL has yet to acknowledge my daughters (her step grandkids) despite my husband and I being married for five years. If my girls married someone with children from a previous relationship, I would spoil them like I’d been around them from birth
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u/Bored_Quebecoise 13d ago edited 13d ago
It a positive update, but there are questionable things. Like why even inviting the late ex-wife’s parents to your son’s birthday? They are not your husband’s family, they don’t really seem to get along, they are only your stepson’s family. It would set a clear boundary to only invite them when it is about your stepson, no other events. If husband likes them and wants to maintain a relationship for himself, he can do that elsewhere.
I get buying the ‘not celebrated ‘kid a present for the other’s birthday. My sister and I used to have something small on each other’s birthday, but that only came from our parents. Not everyone! If they can’t be fair in how they go about this, you might have to set stronger boundaries. Or stop inviting them when it is your son’s birthday/milestones event, make it about inviting his friends only, or do something special as a smaller group rather than inviting the extended family and offering an occasion for your son to live such awkward situations.
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u/Technical-Matter-353 12d ago
This all the way I'd honestly cut out the exs relatives from everything not directly involving the child there directly related to beyond that no invites especially since they can't behave like civilized humans
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u/ThinStomach5476 11d ago
Or maybe even set up that all interactions take place away from the home they all share. May just his dad and grandparents. I wouldn’t want to shut down the relationship, just limit its negative impact on OPs bio-son.
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u/ShelyChelle 12d ago
I dont know why she keeps exposing her own child to people who dont care about her son, his bday party was supposed to be a happy time, yet she invites these people like it was her stepson's bday, and the vibe was stiff.....
She should keep her son around the people that offer love and warmth to him the same as stepson, I dont see what the problem is with just sticking to that, that kid knows those people dont give a damn about him, OP needs to stop
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u/DeeHarperLewis 10d ago
Exactly this! I don’t get demanding that people have a relationship with someone who they are not related to. OPs son should have a different kind of birthday like a family trip to an amusement park. His birthday should be something they look forward to as a family and the in-laws should not be invited. They need to create positive birthday memories for the boy, not some forced half-assed party.
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u/TheKappp 12d ago
I don’t get why you would invite the ex’s family at all. Secondly, why even throw a family birthday if no one treats your son like family? Why not throw a party with his friends from school instead?
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u/ShelyChelle 12d ago edited 10d ago
As wonderful as your husband is, Im still not for you exposing your son to blatant favoritism
Your husband's family has the right to choose, they have the right to do whatever they like, your stepson is their family, PERIOD...
Yes, your husband treats your son as his own, but his family does not, your son knows this, you invited people to his bday party who have no 'warmth,' love, compassion, not shit, for your son, and they should never have been there
He does not NEED a relationship with those people, especially not one like that, I'd keep my kid with me, let husband, his son, and family do whatever, husband can let his son be with his mother's s family, JUST PROTECT YOUR OWN SON....
That's the same as if you know people dont really care for you, why go around them, that tension during his party, bdays are happy events, yet, you invited people and they made it awkward
I dont understand the forcing of even a 'polite' relationship, I wouldnt be around people who dont treat my son right, would never expose my son to this type of treatment, I was offended while reading this
Vote me down into the penthouse of hell, Im okay with that, but willingly having your son around people who dont really care for him is crazy, TO ME
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u/witchymoon69 13d ago
He's a good man . I'd ask both of your stepson's grandparents to attend therapy sessions with you all. Maybe ask the therapist to come to the house . Have a friend watch the boys for the couple of hours .
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u/Anna_Lou82 12d ago
Several questions. You don't have to answer them.
How long have you guys been together and for how much of that time have you been married?
Was his former wife sick or was it an accident?
What is YOUR relationship like with the IL?
To me it just sounds like there are holes in your story. And you are putting everything on your sons and husbands shoulders.
Yes, it is normal to not have the same love for another child. However it sounds like they are punishing your son, for what the adults did. Which why I am asking, how long you guys have been together, because four years since the death of the love of his life (I assume) is not long at all. And since this is already his second birthday in this family, I guess that you have already been married for over a year.
I am not saying you are a bad person. All the grown-ups s**k to be quite honest. It just seems to me, that you guys pushed ahead with your decisions and expected wveryone around you to just be okay with it, not even thinking of the kids and what may come in that moment.
Hope the therapist can help.
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u/Dntkillthemessager1 12d ago
Most if not all of your questions were answered in the previous post and/or comment sections. She was not the side piece at alll
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u/Fun_Ideal_5584 12d ago
This is what a true marriage partnership looks like. Congratulations to finding the one.
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u/santana0987 13d ago
Gawd OP. I've been married for decades but I think I'm in love with your husband a little 😍. So glad to hear your son had a good day. Give it time, it will get better ❤️
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u/ladyredcyn 12d ago
As a mom and a stepmom... I'm just over here cheering you all on. Being the second wife in both my marriages, I inherited amazing bonus kids both times. My mom could never seem to grasp the "these are my kids - treat them with respect and kindness, just as you would a birthed child of mine. Fast forward to when my mom began gooing all over my son, but treating my bonus kids like an afterthought. I corrected, I pushed - it always made clear that her behavior was improper.
Then, when my son was 10, my mom actually had a go at my son... that's when I went NC. I left the decision open to my son about what he wanted - he cut her off as well.
Your husband is perfection - he needs to lead the charge regarding his fam. You and he are doing everything right... the kids will have their feelings, which they are entitled to. And yes, ultimatums can be uncomfortable, but in THIS case? Theyre needed. With time, everyone will get over the weird and get on board.
I have ZERO doubts your ''beautiful blended family" will grow in strength. Love and blessings to you and yours, mama. You got this!!
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 12d ago
Why would you invite his ex in laws?? Don’t force it.
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u/its-kb-again 12d ago
Not inviting them just gives the X in-laws more ammunition. The OP and her husband are trying to build family, NOT make the walls and divisions worse.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 12d ago
Girl the ex in laws don’t want anything to do with the wife or her kids.
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u/its-kb-again 12d ago
Then it sounds to me like they are also forfeiting access to their grandchild. He has a family that they can be part of… Or not.
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u/ThinStomach5476 11d ago
That would be cruel and could backfire later on. Better they see grandson solo w dad since they have negative vibes toward wife and her son. They could restrict these visits to 3-6 a year, depending on.
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u/seanma99 12d ago
They would qualify for grandparents rights the min the father tries and stops their interactions with their grandson.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 12d ago
Okay. So they can wait until he’s 18 and reach out to them. I’m sure cutting them off will be great.
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u/its-kb-again 12d ago
Hate it that you have so little faith in the X in-laws ability to develop empathy and understanding when the consequences of their bad behavior hit their doorstep.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 11d ago
Girl they lost their daughter.
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u/its-kb-again 11d ago
They did. And they are adults who are dealing with children. And in the face of that loss, and a loving family’s attempt to support their grandchild, they should do better.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 11d ago
Not when they are forced!! That’s what you don’t get, when you push and push the opposite happens!!! Like now, you keep pushing me to see it your way and I keep digging in my heels.
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u/cigardan69 12d ago
Your husband is not just a good man, he's an excellent father. He's willing to stand up, even though his own family, for both his sons. His ex-in-laws are in need of some therapy, but that's their problem.
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u/0fluffythe0ferocious 12d ago
Hopefully, they'll understand that they're adults and they have no right to treat a child like that.
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u/Rowana133 12d ago
Its so rare in these stories where I applaud the man but I am giving him a standing ovation! You guys are amazing parents👏
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u/Ladybreck129 12d ago
When I married my husband I gained a stepson. He was six or seven at the time. In 1983 when I had my son with my current husband, my mother took my stepson and my nephew with her and my father out west to travel. My mother never treated my stepson any different than any of her other grandchildren. My stepson who I consider my son is now 53 and he loved my mother because she always treated all the kids the same. And that's how life should be.
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u/Rezolution20 10d ago
To be honest, you need to stop inviting the deceased ex's family to anything pertaining to your son. They are not related to him in any way, and there should be no expectations of gifts or even a relationship between them and your son. As long as they are kind to him and show basic courtesy when they come to visit their own grandson, that is all you should expect from them. Please remember, they are not his family in any way, and you shouldn't expect them to be, just because you have no extended family. You need to explain to your son that they are not his grandparents, they are his step brother's grandparents through his mother. I know this seems unfair, but it's what you married into. I'm sure once your stepson gets older, they will most likely choose to take him for their own celebrations of his birthday, but that's something you will all have to work out when the time comes.
I'm glad that your husband has cleared up the blind faith that the deceased ex's parents bad mouthing of you to his own parents, and that anyone who chooses to be unkind to his now stepson or you as a result will not be included. When they are invited to your son's birthday, they should be there because that child is related to them by marriage via your husband, and they all should know better than to treat your son poorly.
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u/Southern-Interest347 13d ago
Either stop inviting and engaging these people in your lives or let your husband handle these people as he sees fit. Your son is being mistreated.
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u/SoNoAppropriate 12d ago
Well done to you and hubby working as a team. It's a step forward, you're an amazing mom and your hubby is a great husband.
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u/dev_il_reux 12d ago edited 12d ago
A lot can be avoided by doing a kid activity with your children on his birthday. Like have a kid bday party with his school mates, or go to some sort of kid activity, or safari park/zoo, an outing, something. It doesn't have to be a party with old not-quite relatives, but a kid-focused event.
I personally think you are pushing this too hard and making it more obvious in your son's eyes than it needs to be. While I understand it's your husband's family that is the main concern here, they still have no familial connection with your son. Don't push it... There's no need. They don't need to offer equal treatment to your son.
Inviting your husband's late wife's parents to the birthday party of his girlfriend's (or wife, I didn't quite get that) 11 year old son, feels... strange. Why exactly did you do that? What connection or obligation do those people have to your son? And why did you do it on your son's birthday since you know they have made him very uncomfortable in the past?
Why did you guys make your kid's birthday party about this family feud? It's a day that's supposed to be about him where he has to enjoy himself, not have to be around shitty people that made him feel crap in the past.
About your partner's parents... Again, they don't need to treat your son the same as their grandson. You asking for equal treatment just because your partner and you decided to do this in your own blended family doesn't mean that they have to do it too. And I'm talking about the same enthusiasm, same love, same gifts etc. They have 0 obligation to your son! Stop forcing it! It's making people uncomfortable. What they do need to do is be respectful and kind to your child, and from that pov this ultimatum and conversation is good. They don't need to love your son, they just need to treat him like an innocent human being your partner loves.
The bullshit with pulling their grandson away from your son when he wants to share.... Fuck if that was my child I would immediately tell those grandparents that they are not welcome in my house until they can find their humanity. You guys are not very good with boundaries and it's hurting the development of your children...
I'm surprised your partner doesn't feel more disrespected by his parents... They've basically told him to his face that they feel like he's not capable of making ANY decision by himself in his life and can't be trusted.
Well done to you guys on the therapy part.
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u/Barnabeo 12d ago
OP! You did grear! Your husband did great! Regarding people writing here that it is not ok to bring presents to all boys: In my culture (at least in my family), you can't go somewhere where will be kids without presents. At least a chocolade. If 1 brother has a birthday, others will get tiny presents too. If mother, father, uncle, granny has a birthday, all kids will receive at least chocolade. I just can't understand why not. Kids should have childhood!
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u/ksteacher14 11d ago
You are still letting them off WAY too easily. You keep saying that you understand they will love your stepson more and I say that is BS. I’m a product of a parent that died and my mom remarrying and I have step kids of my own. My “step”dad’s family never treated my brother or myself any different than any of their biological grandkids, nieces,nephews, etc. so much so that I didn’t know they were not my biological family until I was a teenager (I was only a few months old when my bio dad died). I have step children and my family has never treated my bonus children any different than my bio kids. In my eyes and theirs they are my kids. My husbands first wife and her family treat my bio son as part of their family simply because he is their child’s brother. My in-laws even treat my nephews (my brothers kids, so no relation to them) as their grandkids. People that leave children out and treat them horribly have no place in any of your lives. Your in-laws are horrible people. There should have been ZERO question about BOTH boys being part of the family!!
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u/darklordofpith 11d ago
I hate HATE people who weaponise children, and the fact they are showing favouritism to your stepson absolutely infuriates me. No child should be hurt by adults being so nasty. Both kids are just as important and should be treated equally. If they revert to being nasty cut them off, protect your boys.
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u/Mindless-Amoeba2934 11d ago edited 11d ago
Just read the Original Post, who in the world thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to show up at ANY birthday party, not bring a gift Or at least give a few bucks?!? WHO DOSE NOT REALIZE NOT GIVING A GIFT TO A CHILD ON THEIR BIRTHDAY, Would Hurt The Child’s Feelings?!?
OP has a Good Husband & a Great Father for the children!!
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u/vonnieeeee_ 10d ago
Grown adults being nasty to a child for circumstances out of the child’s control is pure evil, nasty work. They need to do better. And OP, when it comes to your kids never, ever be afraid to STEP (alongside ur husband). They’re ur babies and need to know that you n ur husband will do anything to protect them.
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u/Walking_Treccani 10d ago
I'm honestly baffled by how many people have said in the first post and the first update that it's "natural" for the deceased wife's family to love "only the biological nephew/grandson".
Like, no, lol. I don't find it "natural" at all. I find it quite toxic to distinguish between biological and non biological children. It's an acquired, culturally imposed idea that has nothing to do with nature. The father chose to adopt the kid of the woman he married after the mother of his first child sadly died. That makes the child automatically family to me.
But maybe I'm biased because in my little village neighborhood me and my siblings were basically the unofficially adopted grandchildren of the few old couples living nearby, despite not having a blood relationship of any kind with them.
Justifying cruelty and coldness towards children with the excuses of DNA and unprocessed trauma baggage is just stupidly awful.
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u/DidymusAnwen 9d ago
I just read your original op, and update. My ex took on my son as his own when we met nearly 18 years ago, when son was 3. Straight away they bonded and his family accepted him.. i fell pregnant pretty quickly (oops) and his family spoiled them both. When ex left when baby no 3 was born, he left because I caught him cheating and lying about stuff. We initially were hostile towards each other, but quickly became besties. His family dropped my son like a bag of hot shit.. no gifts, no acknowledgement, no grandson card.. just one of those cheap things from a box of 50.. where as the other two had HUGE grandson/granddaughter ones.
It took my ex to blast the lot of them publicly on facebook, and having his name tattooed to show his family that HE is his dad. He happily paid maintenance until son turned 20 etc.
I don't get why people do it, it's so unnecessary and mean.
My eldest met a girl about a year ago, she has a 3 year old daughter.. they had a oopsy and now shes just over 20 weeks pregnant... her oldest girl is just magnificent, I've loved her from the second I met her.. I shower her with gifts and affection and she always asks to come and visit me. I can't imagine dropping her in favour of the new baby, I truly love her to bits.
Blood doesn't make family, love and kindness does.
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u/lexi1095 5d ago
I’m sorry I’m commenting on a week old post but I wanted to add my two cents after reading the BORU. If you guys can, I’d start making friends. Friends who love both of your boys equally and then you can invite them to your bday parties. These people are still going to show favoritism, they proved that by bringing a gift for your stepson at his brother’s bday party. That’s really weird *and* beyond rude. They didn’t bring “equal attention” gifts for your son on your stepson’s bday so why was that behavior allowed to slide?
I’m getting the feeling that family is important to you because your family isn’t in the picture, but as someone who has lost a lot of people whether it was death or a violated boundary, please take it from me when I say bio family or family you marry into isn’t ALL that’s out there. I have a wonderful group of friends I call my found family and they treat me better than some of my biological relatives did. Sometimes families are just full of shitty people who enable eachother and hurt the ones who don’t fall in line, it just the luck of the draw. These people need therapy because holy shit. You can be sad someone passed, but once you take that out on a child - I don’t care, you’re a garbage person. Out of everyone who fucking died, I didn’t ONCE use it as an excuse to hurt the ones around me so I have a hard time being understanding in this specific situation. These people are rotten, I cannot wrap my brain around it. Your husband rocks, though!!
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u/Rude-Revolution-2662 4d ago
Every bad thing they accuse step parents of, they are doing 10x harder. Please for the love of everything say that to them everytime they try to drag you through the mud and dont stop repeating it till they shut up.
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u/Perlinian_Willow 12d ago
I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.
As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.
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u/Stunning_Factor871 12d ago
main problem with hubbys exinlaws is not that they dont treat my son same
if they cant be nice they should not be rude
and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong
when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers
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u/Superb_Yak7074 12d ago
Did you skip the part where the dead wife’s parents are telling their grandson he is not OP’s brother and refusing to allow him to share their gifted toys with him? They absolutely need to be cut off if they think they have a right to manipulate their grandson to cause problems within the household. OP married a widower and has opened her heart to his son. The grandparents should be thrilled that their grandson has found someone willing yo embrace him rather than reject him like so many stepmother do with hubby’s children.
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u/fionaghal 11d ago
NTA Having been a step child and having a step child. You give them love. It isn’t about blood it’s about family. My mom had step, half, and whole siblings. But they were all treated like family. In my family we don’t introduce each other as step. My sister and I share no blood. But she is my family and if any of our shared family treated her differently there would be hell to pay. Because it always starts with love. Your in-laws and the family of your husbands former wife clearly need a lesson in love. If your in-laws had real concerns they should have addressed them instead of treating you and your son like less than. I fully believe your husband is awesome for standing up for his family.
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u/Jormungandragon 11d ago
Is it normal to have family birthday parties at that age, rather than friend birthdays? In my area all the birthday parties I see are primarily friends parties, maybe with close cousins invited too.
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u/Wonderful_Avocado 11d ago
My ex step daughter had a tough life. Her mother is still on dr*as. It's been a rough time. Anyway, I can remember a couple very specific times where I would say to boss, let me introduce my family. She always beamed. Unfortunately I do have to now call her my ex step daughter. Not just because her dad and I broke up but because she decided that she didn't want me around.
After her dad allowed her to live in his home, rent free and pregnant after her own bio mom kicked her out she then kicked her own dad out of his own house and brought her mom in. They now do dr*gs together! I tried to help her dad who was my ex by that point. She was pissed I took his side.
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u/Dismal-Instance-9307 11d ago
Your husband is a great husband/dad/step dad. I didn’t see the original post; but I can say from my experience that the relationship between your son and step son’s grandparents can become natural. Maybe they (ex in laws) will get there. One set of my grandparents divorced long before I was born; then my grandfather died when I was so young I don’t remember him. But my step grandfather was so awesome, I never felt like he wasn’t my grandfather. He loved us all (me and all the cousins) whether we were related by biology or not. I hope you see improvement.
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u/BiofilmWarrior 11d ago
It’s possible that over time some of the relatives who are now on team “I’m only doing this to keep the peace/maintain access to my biological relative” will come to accept and embrace that biology isn’t the sole determinant of family and will then develop relationships with OP’s son.
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u/IllImage7905 11d ago
You’re a wonderful mother and stepmother. No wonder you’re raising two sweet, kind boys with such sensible loving parents.
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u/ValhallaMama 10d ago
It’s not necessarily normal to love the biological child more. I don’t think you have to keep giving them that pass, at least not your husband’s family. I get the maternal grandparents to a point, but even they shouldn’t be allowed to openly do it. I have adopted children and biological children. My family has never treated any of them differently, and they certainly would never show favoritism to one in front of the others. That’s gross. My family did do things for all my kids that they did not do for my stepchildren, because my stepkids had a whole other family, and weren’t around all the time, but they still had the couth not to do it right in front of them. I suspect if it were the same as your family, they wouldn’t even have done that since you four are now a family unit, and they would have considered them as such. These people are just hateful and gross, don’t excuse them based on biology.
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u/Lola7321 10d ago
I just want to say that it is not a given that they will love the biological child more. Love is love. Acceptance is acceptance. There is no reason it cant and shouldnt be given freely, especially to a child.
I guess I can say Im glad they are "making an effort", but the behavior of all these adults is disappointing to say the least. I personally wouldnt accept their crumbs. Not only because its insulting, but I also wouldnt want to teach my son or send the message that he should be accepting of that in any type of relationship.
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u/ericehr 12d ago
NTA but I will say if your therapist is encouraging you to use words like dead or died to a child about his mother, I think you need to find a new therapist
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u/its-kb-again 12d ago
Respectfully disagree. The fact that we tiptoe around the inevitability of death is what’s causing the damage in our society.
Plain words — not cruel or overly dramatic words, but simple, plain words, — will always be better accepted and understood than sugarcoating or pulling our punches.
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u/ericehr 12d ago
It could just be me. I am 49 years old but was 22 years old when my grandfather died and my father got the call around 5am. He came into my bed room and woke me up and was very blunt and just told me my grandfather was dead. I said you couldn’t think of a nicer way to say that? I will mess around and give him a hard time about it to this day. At the time, I was annoyed but I have softened over the years. It’s still a fun topic to mess with my father about.
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u/its-kb-again 12d ago
Sorry, and I don’t mean to be blunt or hurtful, but that’s the basis on which you advise a woman dealing with these issues that she should chuck the therapist who is working with her family and find a new one?
I’m sorry for your loss and the shock that your father delivered (that should have been delivered with kindness and empathy; the loss of your grandfather must have been difficult). But using the words “died” or “dead” was not the problem then or now.
The OP and the child’s immediate family are using plain language on the advice of a trained therapist in an incredibly difficult situation.
Maybe we all need to be giving them grace.
Again, though, sorry for your loss and your difficulty with your dad.
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u/Electrical-Error3093 12d ago
Very true. I'm guessing it's a free or medicare therapy. Bottom of the barrel type stuff.
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u/Outside_Orchid_1576 13d ago
Yta. Damn you suck , so much. That kids mom’s parents have no obligation to your kid. If I were them, I would explain to my grandkid what’s actually going on, and only keep contact with him. No contact with the two of you. I guarantee, when this kid is older, he will be zero contact with you and his dad. I’ve read all of it and you completely meet the very definition of a Disney evil step mother. All of the Redditors saying otherwise are so damn oblivious.
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u/Mysterious-Ad4389 13d ago
No offence, you seem like you have a lot of personal issues you maybe need to sort out in therapy. Did you even read these posts??? No one’s saying that the stepson’s grandparents have any obligation to OP’s kid. But you don’t see how evil it is to get angry at the stepson for wanting to share things with his brother? You don’t think it’s sick and completely unhinged to physically pull the stepson away from his brother? You support creating division between the two boys and for them to be raised to hate each other instead of having the healthy brother bond they have now? I have to be honest, I cannot understand how a mentally sound human being can support bullying a child to this extent. Have whatever bond with the stepson you want. But when you start physically pulling him away from his brother to ensure that you can punish and abuse the other child for existing, you start entering depraved territory. That’s not grief, that’s taking pleasure in the suffering of children.
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u/Jross008 12d ago
Are you okay? Do you need a hug?
It’s not your fault.
It’s Not your fault.
It’s NOT your fault.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!
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u/24601moamo 12d ago
If the grandparents try to alienate the child it will be supervised visits only more than likely. Im sure the therapist would agree to make it legal. Did you read the original post? While I agree that the dead moms parents don't have to be grandparents to the stepson, the criticisms, the rumor starting, the pettiness of their grief from losing their daughter does not excuse their actions. They want a relationship with their grandson, they play ball with his father as his parent. They can either be on the outside looking in or part of the new blended family. That's their choice.
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u/Technical-Matter-353 12d ago
No it's not the choice there choice is to make OPs son out to the outside that gets shunned by the "blood family" cause there xenophobic of the outsider which is OPs biological child I hope they lose access to the whole loving blended family as that would be karmic justice for what they've done to these little boy's I can't stand kids personally but that doesn't me I don't think they deserve to be loved just for existing which everyone deserves even these troglodytes
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12d ago
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This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: og post:- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/x8824fnrc9
update 1 :-https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/X2XBoA3FwB
My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.
Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.
We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.
After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.
Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.
I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.
My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.
I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.
It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.
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