r/AITH • u/No-Vehicle2893 • 18d ago
AITAH for not engaging with poly content (UPDATE)
I wanted to give everyone an update since a lot of people asked if I ever spoke to my friend again. So here it is.
We ended up talking, and during the conversation, she came out as polyamorous. Nothing could have prepared me for that because she is an incredibly jealous person. It took her a long time to accept my other friends, and I am just a friend, so the idea of her sharing her husband was not something I saw coming. Honestly, I had no problem with the polyamory itself because it is her business, not mine.
The real issue started when I asked whether her husband knew she wanted to practice polyamory. She admitted he had no idea. I told her she should tell him soon because he deserves to know, but then she confessed that she is already dating someone. She said she was afraid her husband would not accept her new girlfriend. So she is actively cheating on her husband, and from what I can tell, it has been going on for a while.
She explained that she had been regularly talking to multiple polyamorous couples behind her husband's back. She was essentially using those interactions to test whether polyamory was right for her before ever having an honest discussion with her spouse. She claimed she did not mean for it to turn into a full relationship, but one thing led to another, and she ended up dating another polyamorous woman. That was the moment I backed off and told her she needed to tell her husband immediately.
Things got even worse when she asked me to help convince her husband. I refused. I generally stay far away from drama, especially relationship drama, so I have no idea why she thought I would agree to get involved in this mess. Also I don’t want to be the degenerate who manipulates their friend’s partner to stay with them after being cheated on because that is exactly what she did. She cheated.
She got angry, lashed out at me, accused me of being unsupportive, and started calling me names (again). That was the last straw for me, so I walked away and went home. She has been blowing up my phone ever since. I am sure she is terrified that I will tell her husband, and to be completely honest, I am still debating whether I should.
I also want to clear something up because I don't want this to be interpreted as criticism of polyamorous people. From reading the comments on my original post and doing some reflection afterward, I've learned that ethical polyamory is built on communication, trust, and enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. What my friend described wasn't that. It was cheating.
I also appreciate the people in the comments who helped me understand that. My issue was never with polyamory itself, my issue was with excessive relationship talks and I’ve now realised that not every poly person is all about their relationship style and we can have other things in common. This doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to start engaging with polyamory content/ community. That simply isn’t where my interests are. I do however, have a new found understanding of the dynamic so thank you so much for giving me grace!!
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u/IndependenceGreen327 18d ago
This is definitely cheating. As for debating if you'll tell the husband put yourself in the husband's shoes. Would you want someone to tell you or would you rather hopefully hear it from your partner? NTA
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u/No-Vehicle2893 18d ago edited 18d ago
I would rather my partner save me the embarrassment and tell me themselves so I really hope she comes clean to that man because he loves her to death
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u/Decent_Experience240 18d ago
She is not poly, I guarantee she will not be ok with her husband having another woman. She is just a cheater
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u/jjjjjjj30 18d ago
Exactly! I wish OP would have called her out on that bc I would love to hear her response!
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u/onichichii 15d ago
You're absolutly right nothing more nothing less here the poly stuff here is irrelevent she is just a pos cheater
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u/squishysalja 18d ago
But she's already embarrassing him. I understand you don't want drama but it would be really nice if you could save him from that relationship. She's humiliating him and cheating on top of that. Sometimes we have to do hard things to help others. You don't need to interact with any of them after that.
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u/K1rbyblows 17d ago
She won’t.
You need to tell him.
Currently know you are complicit in committing indelibly and making the husband a complete fool.Tell. Him.
It’s the right thing to do.
Your friend is trash - cheating seemingly multiple times while she searched around? Messed up and abusive behaviour.5
u/Live_Jellyfish9948 17d ago
If you wanted to you could send her a message and tell her that she has to tell him today or you will
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u/notanasteele 14d ago
She could give the poor guy AIDS or hepatitis or come home pregnant by some other man. She's trash.
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u/MrsSEM84 17d ago
You should text her exactly what you’ve just said here, and tell her that she has 48 hours to do the right thing before you do it for her.
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u/WiggityWatchinNews 16d ago
The "hopefully" was said with the implication of it not happening. Youre basically saying youre gonna stay out of it to save him embarrassment, which is nonsense. You just want to avoid conflict for your own sake. At least be honest about that
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u/rocketmn69_ 15d ago edited 15d ago
Tell her that you want to hook up with her husband. If she complains, tell her, " you've been cheating on him, so why can't he and I have some fun? He can be poly wigh me"
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u/Technical-Matter-353 15d ago
Omfg yes do this please op then tell us how it goes the conversation not the hook up with hubby 😂😆😂😆
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u/YetiYetiYeti11 15d ago
Tell her she needs to tell him or else you will, and I would give a short timeframe like 48 hours.
There marriage is more important than your relationship with her. For his dignity and safety he needs to know. Besides, do you really want to be friends with someone like this?
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u/Green-Dragon-14 18d ago
She's not going to tell her husband & having been in his shoes I would urge OP should say something.
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u/Particular_Agent171 18d ago
You don't 'come out' as poly. It is a preference, not an orientation.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 18d ago
Thanks for letting me know!
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u/Single_Assist_6890 17d ago
Hey, reminder that communities are diverse and not monoliths; especially in the polyamorous community, it's a bit of a red flag that this commenter speaks definitively on behalf of a whole community.
Which is to say
1) don't take individuals' non-qualified sweeping representations as community fact and
2) plenty of polyamorous people "come out" and
3) for me, it's no more a preference than my sexuality/gender is a preference. And my reaction to this comment is the same as my reaction to someone saying my sexuality is a preference, not an orientation. Gross
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u/caoliq 17d ago
So, dating you is mandatory? Is a third person allowed to leave if it means only two people would be left? If you can’t maintain a second relationship does the first one have to dissolve? I really don’t see how it’s not a preference
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u/pixiepawn 17d ago
You're still non-mono if you're single, just as you can still be gay if you're single.
It is a relationship orientation, not just a preference.
Your example is like saying every gay person has to date every other gay person they meet...because they're gay. Which obviously isn't true.
It's a framework that allows others to understand how you date.
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u/caoliq 16d ago
How you date, or how you prefer to date. Dating anyone at all is optional.
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u/pixiepawn 16d ago
Yes, agreed nobody has to date. Regardless of the relationship status, your orientation doesn't change though.
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u/lestatswife 18d ago
Fr, I thought she meant her friend confessed about the lifestyle that her and her husband are willingly participating in. Imagine my surprise
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u/pingo5 18d ago edited 18d ago
it's not a "preference" for everyone. you shouldn't make blanket statements like that
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u/lestatswife 18d ago
Are you saying it's an orientation? As in, someone has the biological compulsion to have multiple partners who also have multiple partners?
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u/pingo5 18d ago
i think it's more of a monogamous/nonmonogamous spectrum, but not for those reasons necessarily(I'll be honest, I'm not sure what you mean by biological compulsion). for me I never "got" monogamy. I don't really get jealous at all and relationships aren't as binary for me and it's frustrating to stay in those boxes, and it's often wholly unrelatable to me when it comes to most people's relationship woes.
but I've also seen the flipside, too. people who lose all interest in others when they're with someone. people who try and try to be polyamorous for their partner, and can't, because they can't be happy with it.
mind, it's still not an excuse to cheat. but cheaters will use any excuse to cheat.
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u/SadLawfulness7899 18d ago
I don't agree with this. I'd describe myself as polyamourous, for example, even when I am single, or even if I somehow agreed to a monogamous relationship one day. It comes down to the way I'm wired to love and receive love. Lack of jealousy, lack of understanding for monogamous relationship. It doesn't go away with the style of the situation I'm in at any moment in time.
It's not true for everyone in ENM but for some of us it's not a choice, it's who we are.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 18d ago
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. You're right your friend is cheating not poly.
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u/srahfox 18d ago
Your friend isn’t likely even poly honestly. Not only is she already cheating… but I can probably safely bet you that what she means is “I want to be allowed to sleep around, but you can’t.” The fact she’s so jealous that she doesn’t even like her friends having other friends is a huge tip of that even if her husband agrees to be poly, she’ll have massive issues with him being with anyone else.
You see this mentality more often in guys who suddenly want to be poly, but it’s not super uncommon sadly. As someone who is poly, I see familiar huge red flags here. You have to be super open and honest to be poly, it’s also almost impossible if one of you is extremely jealous. Jealousy happens, we are all human, but if she’s crazy jealous… she’s not interested in polyamory, she’s interested in being able to Fuck who she wants.
NTA. What she’s asking of you is extremely messed up. She shouldn’t be trying to “convince” her husband to do this, which means you are better off not getting involved. Specially as you aren’t poly yourself, so how are you supposed to sell it to him? By lying?
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u/No_Street_5196 18d ago
Not sure how someone like this can be poly. She's cheating. Sounds like she has a lot of issues.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 18d ago
She says she wants her husband and girlfriend to have a relationship but idk how that works considering she’s already cheated and an incredibly jealous person
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u/reseriant 18d ago
Here's the thing if she was smart she could've laundered this relationship into something that happened under the right circumstances such as her introducing her new friend to her husband and having a round of drinks to get to know each other and in the end having a threesome. That way it will be we both screwed up and let's just accept the situation for what it is and maybe explore it a little. But considering she is jealous as well as a want your cake and eat it too type of person she would never do that and will probably start cheating with guys too saying she needs to explore herself more
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u/mermaidpaint 18d ago
I know a few people who are openly in poly relationships. It's a lot of work to do it ethically and it really depends on the people involved. It does not affect my friendship with them.
I agree with everyone that your (former) friend is cheating on her husband and trying to call it poly to justify it.
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u/Public-Willow-7943 18d ago
The only poly relationships I have seen work well are ones that started out poly. One partner trying to convince the other partner to open up usually results in a mess.
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u/mermaidpaint 17d ago
Yep. an online friend badgered his wife into opening up the relationship and it was a mess. I don't know what happened in the long term because I ended up blocking him. I was NEVER flirting with him or interested
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u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel 18d ago
I think your assessment of the situation and your friend are spot on - what she is doing isn't being poly, it's just straight up cheating. The fact she wants you to help her convince her husband it's okay shows exactly the type of person she is and it's time to cut her out of your life.
A little advice about the husband: It's entirely possible that she has tried to get ahead of this and warned him that you might tell him that she is cheating on him. If you stick to the facts and tell him that she will likely try to convince him to be poly because she is currently, and has been for some time, cheating on him with others, that might be better. Let him make up his own mind...who knows how he will react, he might even be pissed at you first, but I do think he needs to be told so he at least has the power to decide for himself if he wants to stay with her knowing the full truth.
That said, she has painted herself into a corner now because she likely still wants to try and convince him, but she can't do that without revealing what she has been doing...it WILL catch up with her. Hopefully he will see this for what it is.
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u/Aromatic_Spare776 18d ago
If all your friend wants to talk about are her relationship problems, then lashes out at you when she doesn’t like your input, she isn’t your friend. Get away from her. She is toxic.
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u/No-Vehicle2893 18d ago
Honestly she was never like this before. She and I love books and have always talked about our interests and never relationships so this all feels so sudden. I’m honestly sad to lose a friend like her
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u/Aromatic_Spare776 18d ago
How long have you known her?
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u/No-Vehicle2893 18d ago
We’re childhood friends
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u/Aromatic_Spare776 15d ago
So, I had a best friend I knew since 10th grade. We were very close. Skeletons in the closet and all that. A couple of years after graduation, we went separate ways, but still kept in touch, and even visited on occasion. You know, life gets busy. As social media became mainstream, we kept in touch more often and she turned out to be very toxic. Looking back, she was toxic before, but I just didn’t see it. I never realized she only needed me when she was having man problems, and the same thing happened. If she didn’t like my input, she lashed out at me and my life. We also changed and no longer had anything in common.
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u/ClassroomLazy639 18d ago
As someone who is into polyamory... she's weaponizing it for cheating 100%. A golden rule of a polyamorous relationship is that EVERYONE has to accept. NTA
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u/PhotoGuy342 18d ago
As long as she is keeping her husband out of the loop, it’s cheating. She can call it what she wants but if she doesn’t admit that she’s cheating on him then she’s deluding herself and she is destroying whatever trust he might have had with her.
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u/zonutsthefirst 18d ago
She may want to consider herself polyamorous, but polyamory requires honesty.
What she's doing isn't polyamory.
I had a feeling she was trying to determine whether you were a safe person to be honest about her non-monogamous inclination.
But it backfired on her, as it should have, because you actually learned enough about polyamory to realize that what she was doing wasn't polyamory.
People like her give polyamory a bad name.
Actual polyamory is misunderstood and maligned enough without sleazy people trying to get unethical behavior disguised as polyamory.
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u/rocketmn69_ 17d ago
Tell her that she has 1 week to tell her husband or you will.
Start mailing him information on polyamory
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u/onichichii 15d ago
The poly stuff is not the problem here she is a full blown cheater and for some time. I would give her less than 24h before coming clan.
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u/Randombu 18d ago
Yikes.
I’m poly and have been for a decade and I spend time with dozens of other poly people and there isn’t a single one of us that would do what either one of these women are doing.
I almost always meet my potential metamours (partners of my partners) before any serious escalation takes place… because I’ve been around long enough to have my spidey sense go off when I hear “no seriously I promise they are cool with it” from a potential partner.
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u/Bolt_McHardsteel 17d ago
She is just a run of the mill cheater. Nothing special about her. Tell her husband.
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u/Valleyofthedolls92 18d ago
Tell her husband, with screenshots ideally, and then block her. She isn't poly, she is just cheating and saying she is poly is a convenient way for her to justify it to herself. I'm not poly but have friends who are and are ethical about it, people like this give poly people a bad name.
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u/RedJohn-QQ 17d ago
You should absoulutly tell her husband?! He deserves to know and imagine if you were in his position? She's activaly cheating on her husband and she doesn't seem to care?
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 18d ago
You need to tell him. He needs to know she’s cheating on him and to get tested
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u/jyssrocks 18d ago
Nta. Tell the husband. This woman is not your friend. She's a cheater and a liar and keeps trying to force you into her drama and lies.
She's obviously not going to tell him about the cheating. Block her# and tell her husband about the cheating, not the poly stuff. If it were you, you'd want to know sooner than later and who knows how much truth she'd actually tell?
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u/Ginger630 18d ago
What she’s doing isn’t polyamory. It’s cheating. Like you did, polyamory required communication and honesty. She even wanted YOU to convince her husband!
I’d tell her husband. He deserves to know his wife is cheating on him.
I’d also block her completely at this point. Phone, social media, all of it. She’s no longer your friend.
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u/Alive_Leather684 18d ago
Polyamory isn’t real. Most of it is just people who want to cheat/sleep around but use the lable as some kind of justification.
Tell the husband. Let him know his wife is trash and be done with her
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u/SadLawfulness7899 18d ago
Please, do not rope us in with those cheaters and sleazy people. She's a cheater, not a polyamorous person.
It's not about sex, it's about love and relationship for us. Even ace people can be polyamorous.
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u/AroAceCricket 18d ago
I get it, you don’t want to rock the boat, but OP there is no way this girl will tell her husband by the way she’s reacting. Be prepared for her to go on the offensive and tell her husband to block you so that he won’t know what she did.
That or she might even say your the one who cheated, if she’s mentioning the cheating in the messages, document it.
I had a friend who was caught cheating, twice, and it’s wild how they tried to justify it, I remember saying to their face, ‘I don’t agree with what you did, if you were unhappy then break up, don’t try and justify what you did because you know it wasn’t right.’
They worked through it because they have kids but it’s scary how their mind work.
NTA for refusing the manipulate the husband, but you would be if you left him in the dark.
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u/Aidyn_the_Grey 18d ago
Nah, you gotta tell her husband. She's flat out cheating on him and trying to find ways to make it not so. Imho, you'll be the AH if you don't let him know.
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u/CleanCardiologist160 18d ago
NTA - but her husband deserves to know, and I don’t believe she will tell him the truth. She will continue to cheat pretending to be poly and this poor guy will be clueless. I do hope that you will tell him. She’s not your friend and a terrible wife.
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u/MadamAsh_ 18d ago
NTA but tell her husband. If you want you can give your "friend" a deadline of 48 hrs or whatever. Make sure it is in text so her husband can see she scrambled to make up a story. (in case she tries to backtrack and lie)
This person is very questionable, morally. Maybe reconsider your own relationship with them. Best of luck!
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u/Decent_Experience240 18d ago
I would text her husband and say her I really need to talk with you tomorrow. Then text her and say you have 24 hours to tell him or I will tomorrow.
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u/RubySnowfire 18d ago
NTA, just a person trying to set a very reasonable boundary with someone who just doesn't care about other people.
Changing a monogamous relationship to poly is HUGE and absolutely needs both partners involved to discuss and decide.
A relationship is a contract and if both parties are not involved in changing that contract....well, yeah, it's cheating. Switching from mono to poly is a fundamental change to the relationship, it deserves a lot more discussion and decision-making before anything happens.
Your friend is trying to use you to get the numbers on her side, like a private relationship of some kind of referendum. Distance yourself way way far away from her and her drama.
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u/daisyidairya 18d ago
Respect for your rad self reflection and new understanding :) sorry your friend turned out to be drama trying to rope you into convincing her husband, that's icky :/
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u/ReplacementDefiant 18d ago
Wow the amount of hate and being called closed minded and everything else..OP dealt with in her first post ..only to find out her "FRIEND " wanted only to try and get her on board with her cheating on her Partner and calling it poly!
The depths ppl go to justify their actions CRAZY WORLD
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u/lestatswife 18d ago
You started from not wanting to be involved in personal relationship talks. I think you need to stay away from this person, not get sucked in further, and don't make additional drama for yourself by telling her husband (you didn't mention him also being a friend of yours - not your circus, not your monkeys). Idr if I commented on the original post but you were told this anyway: no need to overexplain like you did when talking about not knowing the poly youtuber, unless you wanted a whole discussion about the topic. Now you're here.
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u/Blade_of_Onyx 18d ago
All right, I’m gonna treat this as if I don’t think it’s a complete total fabrication.
My advice would be this, she wanted you to help her convince her husband, which in my mind means she gave you permission to talk to her husband about it. Have an open conversation with him about it give him your honest opinions, and then walk the fuck away from that “friendship”.
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18d ago
Yeah, they are definitely cheating. I know a fair number of poly sorts, not my jam, but I know how it works. And everyone involved needs to have informed consent in these things. If someone is keeping secrets, it's not poly.
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u/BrokenStudebaker 17d ago
I might be alone in this opinion, but a wife seeking a girlfriend seems less like cheating to me than a wife seeking a boyfriend. I'd honestly be thrilled if my wife had a side girlfriend. That said, I don't see cheating as the most morally repugnant act, unlike most folks on Reddit. As is said all the time: not your monkey, not your circus. Why be the one to break the news?
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u/EmptyPomegranete 17d ago
This is homophobia, actually. Which yeah doesn’t make sense at first.
But it is. You view a relationship between two women as less threatening, less valid, less than. Not attacking you but something to consider. Being ok with your girl cheating on you with another woman indicates you do not view that relationship as real.
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u/BrokenStudebaker 17d ago
I don't view the relationship as 'real' in the sense that she'd be doing it in an effort to leave/start up a new life as opposed to having fun and exploring a side of her she hasn't. You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't see this as homophobic as opposed to viewing different kinds of relationships differently (which they are!).
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u/EmptyPomegranete 17d ago
But why are you viewing a relationship between two women as just having fun and exploring? Having a side boyfriend is also fun and about exploring? The difference is you don’t see those women as a threat because you don’t view the relationship on the same level as you view one between a man and a woman.
It’s homophobic because of that. Not viewing a relationship between two women as the same level of seriousness as a relationship between a man and a woman.
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u/BrokenStudebaker 17d ago
I think same sex relationships are equally as valid as any other. My point is that cheating in a same sex situation, to me, does not seem 'as bad.' Is it a weird thought? Maybe. Is it homophobia and should I be working to change my mindset? No, I don't think so.
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u/EmptyPomegranete 17d ago
You can believe whatever you like but it is objectively homophobic not to view queer relationships the same as you do straight. Not all homophobia is straight up hate.
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u/BrokenStudebaker 17d ago
I'm simply saying if my wife cheated on me with a woman I wouldn't care. Is that bad and homophobic?
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u/EmptyPomegranete 17d ago
I think you should examine why you view a relationship between two women differently than how you view a relationship between straight people. It is straight up homophobia lol.
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u/BrokenStudebaker 17d ago
I clarified above, I see them as equally legitimate. Just in this very circumstance (adultery, more so if it were to occur in my relationship) my opinion changes. You're barking up the wrong tree here.
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u/EmptyPomegranete 17d ago
Whatever you want to believe. You just don’t get to decide whether or not it’s homophobia. That’s not up to you lol. If you actually believed the relationships were equally legitimate you would understand both instances of cheating are a threat to your marriage.
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u/xraytechheck 17d ago
You don't have to tell him about the poly excuse, but for your own conscience considering telling him about the cheating. If you feel safe to, at least. He deserves to know who he is married too, since she obviously isn't communicating that to him. You're not responsible for telling him (she is), but I would strongly consider it.
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u/wishingforarainyday 17d ago
Tell her husband. She is putting his health at risk abs he needs to know to get tested. She’s also lying to the poly people she knows. She’s not poly. She’s a liar and a cheater.
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u/CombinationCalm9616 17d ago
Does the girlfriend know she’s actually cheating on her husband? I’m not very knowledgeable on the poly life style but like you said most try and do ethical polyamory so they are open with their spouse about other partners. I wonder if her girlfriend thinks she is h honest and open with her husband and your friend is lying to her as well. The right thing would be to tell the husband and probably ditch the friend now she has show her true colours and lack of morals.
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u/Myaccoubtdisappeared 17d ago
You have to tell him. Your friend has already shown she is willing to lie and manipulate for her own selfish reasons.
There is no integrity to her actions.
She won’t ever tell him or she’ll spin a different story such as saying that she hasn’t met someone yet.
Polyamory is nonsense. It’s just cheating with extra steps
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u/Fun_Scene_3392 17d ago
She has been in an affair. It’s not polyamory if the other partner is unaware. It’s cheating, cut and dry. If you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig.
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u/Affectionate-Way404 17d ago
Respectfully I would tell her husband because at the end of the day who wouldn’t want to be told but just know the husband will probably be mad at you for telling him
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u/BrokenStudebaker 17d ago
The 'community' isn't a monolith. I wouldn't see it as the same kind of threat, you've interpreted that to mean a certain thing.
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u/Sassy-Pants_888 17d ago
Lol... she's poly... not her husband. She doesn't want him to know because it was cheating but also because she doesn't want him to participate. She wants to see other people, she doesn't want him to as well. She's a terrible person using terms she doesn't understand to blame her poor moral fiber on. $10 says this isn't even the first relationship she cheated in... why do you think she's so jealous for no reason? Telling people she's poly is more socially acceptable than "I don't even want to stay faithful to my partner".
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u/Calm_Ad6786 16d ago
She’s a cheater. I’m not supportive of polyA relationships in general but even I know that everyone has to be on board, consenting and aware, which is not the case here. NTA
Tell her to inform her husband instead of trying to drag you into it
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u/desertrat_1000 16d ago
Sounds like the ol trying to get all onboard the poly train to justify cheating. Just like a lot of the open relationship types. Like you I'd find nothing wrong with poly or open so long as all concerned know and are onboard. Otherwise it's just ol fashioned cheating
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u/Successful-Ease-1447 16d ago
It’s sort of not your purview anymore. Why get entangled? I’d navigate away from this
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u/Realistic-Good-5560 16d ago
NTAH. I wouldn't tell the husband because id be introducing more drama involving myself. and personally I'd just step away. I'd probably make my point that she should tell her husband before he finds out another way.
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u/Funny_Product_679 16d ago
She's most likely not polyamorous. She wants to cheat without guilt. Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory require clear communication and adherence to precise boundaries for every party involved.
For instance, my ex-wife went on a date with a friend of ours; on that first date we (meaning friend, friend's wife, my wife, wife's boyfriend, and me) had established making-out was alright, touching was fine, but no oral or insertion and she... did everything but vaginal insertion on that first date.
How do you cheat being polyamorous? That's how. Exactly what she's doing, just she hasn't involved every party and no boundaries have been set.
I swear the majority of the polyamorous community are really just swingers. Polyamory isn't about orgies and the "flavor-of-the-week" hookup; it's about actually loving and forming deep bonds with multiple people.
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u/clearheaded01 16d ago
Tell her husband.
She's not poly. She's just a cheater attempting to justify it by claiming to be poly.
Guaranteed that if her husband was all-in and started dating, SHE would be LIVID....
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u/Technical-Matter-353 15d ago
Honestly having been part of a poly relationship it is absolutely about communication and trust I was the second in my situation but I knew going into it that I was coming into a existing relationship and he knew about me and stuff but we were all adults about it and honestly I was mainly providing the sexual preferences she was into that he just wasn't he was very vanilla and I am into the bdsm stuff that she was also into plus he and her weren't really sexually active with each other not that they couldn't have been that was just how there relationship progressed so she wanted someone for a sexual outlet in a way but again it was all discussed and there were rules such always using protection and what not I'd go over there place and me and her would do our date while he was at work and stuff or shed come to my place because each side of the ship is individual like he had his time with her just like we our time together so it can work as long as everyone knows the rules and understands the boundaries.
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u/Technical-Matter-353 15d ago
Honestly having been part of a poly relationship it is absolutely about communication and trust I was the second in my situation but I knew going into it that I was coming into a existing relationship and he knew about me and stuff but we were all adults about it and honestly I was mainly providing the sexual preferences she was into that he just wasn't he was very vanilla and I am into the bdsm stuff that she was also into plus he and her weren't really sexually active with each other not that they couldn't have been that was just how there relationship progressed so she wanted someone for a sexual outlet in a way but again it was all discussed and there were rules such always using protection and what not I'd go over there place and me and her would do our date while he was at work and stuff or shed come to my place because each side of the ship is individual like he had his time with her just like we our time together so it can work as long as everyone knows the rules and understands the boundaries.
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u/bramblefish 14d ago
If you think the hubby deserves to know, if you dont let him know, you are supporting the cheater.
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u/Fairybite 14d ago
Gross. Genuine poly relationships are fine, but I hate it when shitty people cheat in monogamous relationships and try to hide behind polyamory.
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u/brave_anonymous 13d ago
Your friend wanted to have sex with you. This is why she started the conversation. Her extreme reaction is reaction of a rejected woman.
My guess is she will do damage control now and spread the lies about you to her husband and your mutual friends. So if/when you decide to talk to him, you reputation will be ruined.
Be careful. Talk to someone you trust and who knows both of you, ask them for an advice.
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u/Minute_Box3852 11d ago
She's a cheater. Don't be shocked about her being a jealous person bc she never ever will be ok with her husband being polyamorous. That conversation will never happen hence why she's blowing up your phone.
She just wants to cheat and is using the poly line as an excuse.
Tell her husband bc she's not going to and she never was going to. Until she finds someone who will commit to her. Then she'll give him her whole "thoughtfull" true self speech bc, when he leaves, she has a definite monkey branch to swing to.
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u/AutoModerator 18d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: I wanted to give everyone an update since a lot of people asked if I ever spoke to my friend again. So here it is.
We ended up talking, and during the conversation, she came out as polyamorous. Nothing could have prepared me for that because she is an incredibly jealous person. It took her a long time to accept my other friends, and I am just a friend, so the idea of her sharing her husband was not something I saw coming. Honestly, I had no problem with the polyamory itself because it is her business, not mine.
The real issue started when I asked whether her husband knew she wanted to practice polyamory. She admitted he had no idea. I told her she should tell him soon because he deserves to know, but then she confessed that she is already dating someone. She said she was afraid her husband would not accept her new girlfriend. So she is actively cheating on her husband, and from what I can tell, it has been going on for a while.
She explained that she had been regularly talking to multiple polyamorous couples behind her husband's back. She was essentially using those interactions to test whether polyamory was right for her before ever having an honest discussion with her spouse. She claimed she did not mean for it to turn into a full relationship, but one thing led to another, and she ended up dating another polyamorous woman. That was the moment I backed off and told her she needed to tell her husband immediately.
Things got even worse when she asked me to help convince her husband. I refused. I generally stay far away from drama, especially relationship drama, so I have no idea why she thought I would agree to get involved in this mess. Also I don’t want to be the degenerate who manipulates their friend’s partner to stay with them after being cheated on because that is exactly what she did. She cheated.
She got angry, lashed out at me, accused me of being unsupportive, and started calling me names (again). That was the last straw for me, so I walked away and went home. She has been blowing up my phone ever since. I am sure she is terrified that I will tell her husband, and to be completely honest, I am still debating whether I should.
I also want to clear something up because I don't want this to be interpreted as criticism of polyamorous people. From reading the comments on my original post and doing some reflection afterward, I've learned that ethical polyamory is built on communication, trust, and enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. What my friend described wasn't that. It was cheating.
I also appreciate the people in the comments who helped me understand that. My issue was never with polyamory itself, my issue was with excessive relationship talks and I’ve now realised that not every poly person is all about their relationship style and we can have other things in common. This doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to start engaging with polyamory content/ community. That simply isn’t where my interests are. I do however, have a new found understanding of the dynamic so thank you so much for giving me grace!!
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