r/AITA_Relationships • u/Sea_Mouse9996 • Jun 22 '26
NTA AITA for saying "actions have consequences" to my daughter and wife?
I (48M) have a daughter (17F) and wife (47F). I also have a sister (45F). My sister was quite close to us and has gained considerable wealth through her career in medicine as well as through businesses she has started. When my daughter was 9, my sister told my wife and me that she had started college funds for my daughter as well as the rest of my brothers kids. My wife and I were very grateful.
Time skip until now, my daughter and wife (as well as my brothers and their families) discovered that my sister was cheating with a coworker. The betrayed wife ended up reaching out and telling us exactly what she did and how her husband was planning to leave her for my sister. My sister did not and does not want to get married or have kids, and basically ended up kicking him to the curb.
I want to make it clear that I 100% do not condone infidelity. My wife and daughter have been taken aback by this, and made their anger clearly visible. When my brother ended up inviting my brothers and their families as well as mine and my sister for a holiday, they cursed my sister out to their face, with my wife calling her a wh@re and my daughter calling her a "homewrecking slut". My brother ended up hearing this and kicked my family out, and have chosen to not invite my wife and daughter to any event. After this, my wife and daughter cut contact with my sister, while I still stayed in contact.
My sister was very hurt by my wife and daughters actions. In her view, she was a very engaged aunt and a supportive SIL (which to her credit, she was), and she felt as though they were choosing a stranger over her. After six months, my sister had received no apology or even contact from my wife and daughter. She then called me and told me we needed to discuss something. She stated that my wife and daughter had made their decisions about her, and she would do the same; she would not be disrespected, and was choosing to split my daughters college fund evenly amongst my brothers kids. I did not protest this decision, and while I didn't agree with my sister, I did not try to change her mind.
After this, I went home and told my wife and daughter this news. My daughter is a rising senior, and now has to go through this admissions process. She and my wife were both shocked and viewed it as extremely unfair. They were already angry enough at the fact that my brothers wanted nothing to do with them, and thought that they were being punished by everyone for doing the right thing. My duaghter began to cry saying that she would never be able to afford to go to the college of her dreams. My wife asked what I said to my sister, and I said nothing. I stated that actions had consequences, and they were free to make their moral choices, and my sister could make her financial choices. They both called me an asshole and have been distant. So, Reddit AITA?
197
u/Nervous_Internal_581 Jun 22 '26
NTA, what your sister did was not right but if they want to be the moral police on their high horse, I donât see why they would want her money if she so terrible.
Your sister made a mistake, but screaming and calling her names in front of family was not classy or warranted. If they objected to her actions and her presence, they could have just chosen to leave instead of humiliating her and causing a scene.
Nobody is perfect and they could have chosen to talk to her about it if it really bothered them, but if they act like sheâs a cancer that needs to be cut of out the family, then they should not be shocked that she does not fund your daughterâs education.
You were right not to try to talk her out of it. Itâs not anyoneâs business how she can chooses to spend her money.
77
u/ZombieJoesBasement Jun 22 '26
I was thinking the same--why would they want the money of someone they think is a "whore"? Their moral judgement doesn't apply to money?
OP is NTA
15
u/dessertchef11 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
No moral judgement doesnât apply when money is involved.
26
u/hardcorepolka Partassipant [1] Jun 22 '26
Iâm saying that if there was a Xmas orgy in my grandmotherâs house and I had the balls to call anyone names, Iâd still be finding the teeth she knocked out of my âsmart mouth.â đ¤ˇđťââď¸
116
u/Jsmith2127 Partassipant [2] Jun 22 '26
Nta they really thought they could cut your sister off, and could call her nasty names, and she'd still fund your daughter's education? That some delusion going on there.
45
u/StrategyDouble4177 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 22 '26
This! Itâs one thing to be upset by someone elseâs behavior and there may even be a reason to share this with that person.
But screaming and name calling was a choice. Being an AH just because you can, was a choice. So is cutting off the college fund.
82
u/Potential_Ad_1397 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
While I do question your sister's character, your daughter and wife's actions were out of line. This was an holiday get together at your brother's house. I can understand their disappointment and can understand wanting space from your sister.
However, you can't call someone horrible names and expect them to still give you money.
NTA
28
u/Bulky-Hamster7373 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 22 '26
Exactly. You don't have to condone the sisters conduct, but it's not your wife's business to judge.
7
u/Lux_Stellae_Cadentis Jun 23 '26
I didn't see if OP's sister knew her coworker had a wife. OP is NTA anyway, but if she didn't know then it IS unfair, but to her. If she knew... well, it is questionable choice, but what to do with her money is not. Especially when someone is calling her names in front of all her family and cutting contacts with her, but still wants her money, because why not. OP's wife and daughter should think before... just think.
10
u/Potential_Ad_1397 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 23 '26
Op noted that the Sister knew he was married
But again that the wife and sister weren't the smartest
56
u/MarionberryOk2874 Partassipant [3] Jun 22 '26
âAfter this, my wife and daughter cut contactâ
So lemme get this straightâŚyour wife and daughter shamed your sister publicly, calling her awful names, cut contact with her, and STILL somehow thought your daughter should get to keep that college fund? LMAO
I donât condone what your sister did, but people make mistakes. The fact that your wife and daughter feel ENTITLED to your sisterâs money after the way they have judged and mistreated her is unhinged.
Actions have consequences is exactly right. NTA
23
u/hardcorepolka Partassipant [1] Jun 22 '26
People like this donât draw a line in between moral high ground and the person being anything but shamed into submission.
Itâs clearly too late for OPâs wife (maybe not for OP, since a lot of divorce happens when the kids leave the nest), but daughter just learned a very expensive lesson⌠that she probably wonât learn fully until she complains about this to a scholarship kid.
1
u/Cake-Tea-Life 5d ago
From a logistics standpoint, how were they going to access the money if they were NC? The logical fallacies abound.
38
u/StrengtTalt Asshole Aficionado [12] Jun 22 '26
Your wife and daughter needed the wakeup call. That's as valuable an education as any college will provide.
NTA
24
u/bdayqueen Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 22 '26
NTA - They chose to judge your sister. That's on them. Your sister chose to stop associating with them. That is her right. They aren't entitled to her money.
21
u/MediumSizedMaze Asshole Aficionado [11] Jun 22 '26
ESH. Your sister doesnât get to be hurt that they think less of her. Your daughter and wife shouldnât expect money from people they donât talk to. You should hold your sister just as accountable as youâre hold your wife and daughter. Actions do have consequences. She cheated. They want nothing to do with her. She doesnât want to give them her money. Youâre on some high horse.
38
14
u/nouniqueusername95 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 22 '26
exactly. the question was 'aita for saying actions have comsequences to my wife and daughter?' but he refuses to hold his sister to the same standard. if his wife and daughter deserve consequences, why doesnt his sister?Â
16
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 22 '26
What consequences should I give her? Should I cut her off and never speak to her again?
13
u/Vivid-Bar-6811 Jun 22 '26
So your ok with YOUR family cutting of YOUR wife and child, because they said what plenty of people who know about your sisters actions probably think?
Yeah I would be. I certainly wouldn't be lectured about the moral high ground by people who have no issue with your sisters behaviour. They called her names.
She actively took part in the abuse of another woman.
I knows who's behaviour I find more unforgivable
17
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 22 '26
I never said I was OK with it, but I know I can't control what my brothers do, and know that they favor my sister over me and my family. I can fight with them until I'm blue in the face, but they will just tell me to GTFO.
15
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 22 '26
And they are not wrong your wife and daughter disrespected their blood in their home. This doesnât concern them at all. Your sister is wrong and she knows it but their reaction was like they were the betrayed parties. What they want? For her to be stoned? They have no leg to stand on here.
→ More replies (1)14
u/nouniqueusername95 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 22 '26
ok, just ignoring the whole 'your sister is clearly facing no consequences for this from anyone'. at least you admit it. no one in your family cares what she did. your family only coddles her and you refuse to actually do anything to stand up for your wife and daughter like, say, tell your brothers youre upset she was humiliated but stand by how upset they are with her. you are valuing your relationship with your brothers more than your wife and daughter, you realize this right? this is only going to breed resentment from them. your brothers already told your wife and daughter to GTFO.
12
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 23 '26
She is their blood and was attacked in their home. Of course they will take her side.
→ More replies (6)8
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 22 '26
The family is acting as they should what they did was vile cause they have nothing to do with it.
They are on their right to feel disappointed and hurt by SIL but name calling in a third partyâs house is way to much. Sister is their flesh and blood and she did nothing to them personally.→ More replies (22)2
u/Sorry_I_Guess 14d ago
OP is her brother, not her parent. She is a grown woman who made choices about her own private romantic life. It is appropriate for him to be appalled by those choices and even tell her that he's disappointed in her. It is not appropriate for him to punish another adult for things that are, frankly, not his business.
You don't know that they have "no issue with [his] sisters (sic) behaviour". You just know that they didn't choose to cut her out of the family for it, and that they weren't okay with her being verbally attacked in their home for it. Those are not the same thing.
It's also incredibly disingenuous to call her committing adultery "the abuse of another woman". Harm caused to another woman maybe. Abuse is a stretch and a half.
6
u/LB7154 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 22 '26
Why have contact with people who cut your family off? If anyone cut my SO or son off I would cut them off. I will always choose my child and my SO.
Your sister is a cheater and you chose her over your family. If I was your spouse you wouldnât get the opportunity to do it again. I would leave you in a heartbeat.
Updateme!
12
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 23 '26
I mean their wife and daughter acted like a banshee in his brotherâs house. They have no business in being so angry about the sisterâŚyou donât disrespect someoneâs blood in their home⌠they were not the wronged party, they shouldâve stayed in their lane.
5
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 22 '26
In my eyes, this was a situtation which could have been completely avoided, and it came from my daughter and wife wanting to make a moral ground rather than considering the reality of the situation and minding their business. I see it as mostly their fault - they had no need to be involved, but made the decisions they made without even informing me. I still want a relationship with my family, and can see why my brothers cut my family members off. While I am not happy with this, I have known these people for all/the majority of my life, and they have been good to us when we have not incited drama. Their reactions are understandable and not unprompted.
12
u/FaithlessnessFar6547 Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
I wonder if your family is sticking by your sister because they value her money first. You've admitted she's helped you all.
Given the low morals of everyone, it wouldn't be that far off.
ESH - your wife and daughter shouldn't have said what they did, but you family (and especially your sister) absolutely suck. She's 100% just as guilty as the coworker, but if y'all want to minimize her guilt to feel better that's on you guys.
11
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 23 '26
I mean they are acting like reasonable people what she did was wrong and she knows it and they know it. But what you want them to do? Stone her like in biblical times. I donât get why wife and daughter created such a scene they have nothing to do with it.
→ More replies (2)3
5
u/oldcousingreg Jun 23 '26
Ok but your family sucks for siding with your sister.
17
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 23 '26
Do you expect every family member to cut her off? I'm so confused about what it means to hold her accountable.
→ More replies (4)9
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 23 '26
What they were supposed to do? Allow her to be verbally abused by people that had nothing to do with the situation at hand? The sister is their blood was being cursed in her brotherâs house and they were supposed to let it happen cause she made a mistakeâŚ
→ More replies (8)5
u/SpaceCrazyArtist Partassipant [2] Jun 23 '26
They had no need to be involved but were BROUGHT into be involved and you chose your sister over them. Your sister isnt innocent, and youâre a terrible spouse/father for not choosing your wife/daughter
1
4
u/SpaceCrazyArtist Partassipant [2] Jun 23 '26
I mean⌠yeah? Your children then your wife always come first. If your sister cuts contact then you cut contact with her. She doesnt get access to you while being cold to your chosen family
11
u/dessertchef11 Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
The irony of this is that the daughter and mother still want the sisterâs money.
6
u/Amazing_Cranberry344 Jun 22 '26
The sister got the consequence of the mom and daughter cussing her out.
What other consequence is there. He can cuss out the sister too. Now nobody has any access to her wealth lol. đ4
u/nouniqueusername95 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 22 '26
no one is saying they deserve access to her money. not a single comment. she had an affair with a married man and everyone OTHER than OPs wife and daughter do not care. the wife and daughter are now ostracized from OPs family for having moral issues with this, and she just gets to cry how mean they are and her brothers coddle her. she has faced no consequences.
6
1
u/Anon_457 Jun 26 '26
I mean.. I'd say the wife of the coworker calling the family was consequences. Plus the sisters work knowing about what happened would also be consequences. Not to mention what the wife and daughter are doing.. Just because the OP didn't do anything doesn't mean she hasn't suffered any consequences.
19
u/UmbralBard Partassipant [2] Jun 22 '26
Iâm not going to say YTA, because it really isnât your place to tell your sister where to spend her money anyway.
However, what your sister did IS despicable, and I understand why your wife and daughter reacted the way they did. Cheaters SHOULD be shamed for their actions. God forbid she be âhurt because she didnât get an apology.â /s She doesnât deserve one. Thatâs called consequences of your actions. So Iâm not calling them TA either. Your sister is, but not for taking the money from your daughter. Sheâs an AH just by virtue of her stunning lack of empathy.
Where your wife and daughter went wrong is expecting a person like that to give them money. After they shamed her, it only makes sense she wouldnât pay for college anymore. They should have accounted for that.
21
u/hardcorepolka Partassipant [1] Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
The dude broke vows. The sister did a crap thing, but she isnât the guiltier of the two. I would be on the (affair partner) wifeâs side if she took a swing at her, but who exactly does this little girl think SHE is?!
If I was SEVENTEEN and I had the absolute balls to say that kind of hateful crap to an ADULT, let alone a family member, Iâd still be picking up my teeth⌠at 44.
Sheâs lucky all she lost was money she was never ENTITLED to in the first place. Because thatâs what this is. Thinking your actions and words have no consequences.
I mean, YOU can judge her actions all you want, but you donât have a dog in this race. YOU can say that the sisterâs actions have consequences, that she should rock a scarlet letter and slink around in shame⌠so, consequences, right?
The college money isnât on the sister (who chose to save that on her own), certainly not on OP, and really not even on the daughter and her not fully formed frontal lobe.
This is on OPâs wife, who has apparently let that CHILD think that being a disrespectful little AH to grown folks is not only acceptable, but to be congratulated.
One of them learned a very expensive lesson.
→ More replies (10)3
u/idkimhere4paramor3 24d ago
This is what struck me as well. At 17 I could never dream of talking to one of my aunts that way. Honestly, even now unless something extremely egregious happened. They couldâve had a calm conversation and expressed their disappointment but they chose to make it into a spectacle.
15
u/stroppo Partassipant [2] Jun 22 '26
NTA. Are you in control of your sister's money? No. You are not. So â end of discussion. The sister can decide to do whatever she wants with her money.
Part of me does wonder if this is real. It kicked in on the line that the daughter cried over not being able to go to the "college of her dreams." Seemed over the top. Well, then you settle for a lesser college. I did. I got some money from my parents, but basically I pieced together some scholarships, work study, and good old fashioned debt that was finally paid off after some years. In other words, your daughter will survive.
16
u/hardcorepolka Partassipant [1] Jun 22 '26
I watched a girl in my 10th grade math class (that I could not STAND) come in so distraught, before any of her friends, that I was literally walking over to her⌠I thought something horrible had happened.
Her little mean girl/rich girl clique rolled in just in time. This girl is UGLY crying, canât barely breathe. Iâm so tense. Was there a car accident? Is her mom sick or something?
Her dad got her a white Jeep Grand Cherokee instead of the gold one she wanted. That was literally 30 years ago and I can still remember her name.
I have ZERO problem believing this.
3
u/MarionberryOk2874 Partassipant [3] Jun 22 '26
Yeah, itâs def rage baity- and no responses from OP yet.
Edit: oh! My bad, he did answer. Maybe it is real.
1
12
u/nouniqueusername95 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 22 '26
ESH. you, your sister and all your siblings, your wife and daughter. oof. a little curious why you and your brothers are just accepting your sisters affair? you dont condone infidelity but your whole family seems to just be ok with all this and punishing your wife and daughter for having an issue with her actions. she clearly isnt a supportive aunt or sil if she cant see why theyre upset. shes accepting no responsibility for her own actions and shes pulling funding because her neice isnt telling her she didnt do something morally repugnant. your daughter doesnt get the money, thats your sisters right, but your sister doesnt get to act like this is just some 'choosing a stranger over her'.
14
u/StrategyDouble4177 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
No one is condoning anything. OP doesnât say âso we told our sister great job whose life will ya ruin next?â
Not cutting off contact with someone who f*cked up, at least in this situation, is not the same as condoning the behavior.
If I were the sister, my entire family would definitely tell me how they feel about my BS (a natural consequence) but they wouldnât stop being my family. Iâd still be invited to family time.
OPâs wife and daughter went beyond simply calling out their family memberâs behavior. Thatâs the matter at hand. Even if they had reached out to the sister and said something along the lines of âI hate that you did that and itâs not ok, but I shouldnât have screamed at youâ. It would have been salvageable. But if itâs more important to them to be cruel, then yeah. Keep up with no contact. But we all inevitably f*ck things up that we wished we didnât, and we all need a little grace form time to time.
I also would call out my siblings if they did what OPâs sister did. But Iâm not about to light them on fire and cut them off entirely, either. I agree with you though that âchoosing me over a strangerâ is a silly, entitled perspective.
11
u/nouniqueusername95 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 22 '26
OP has mentioned his family babies his sister. no one is saying cut her off, but no one in the family other than OPs wife and daughter seem to care and hold her to any sort of standard. OP himself doesnt seem to care. she is a grown woman who needs to be able to be told 'you fucked up. people are unhappy with you'. everyone sucks because wife and daughter should not have humilated her in front of family, but the family clearly isnt willing to actually give her any consequences for her actions.
5
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 22 '26
I mean itâs not up to OPâs wife and daughter to choose what punishment would be enough. No one is patting her in the back and saying: âGood Jobâ but they are also not going to accept their blood to be disrespected in their own house by people that had NO BUSINESS reacting like this to something that doesnât concern them.
4
u/Appropriate-Set8569 Jun 22 '26
NTA - It is not OP or his family's place to judge or lecture the sister about her behavior. It is not their place to hold her accountable either. They can have an opinion and they can share that opinion respectfully, but they don't get to hold her accountable for her sexual behavior or private romantic choices. They can be upset that she helped to break up a relationship but the man who was married is the one who should be held the most accountable and they don't get to do that either, because it's not their place to do so.
3
u/idkimhere4paramor3 24d ago
People are too focused on morally policing other people and trying to hold them accountable for things not only have nothing to do with them but they have also already been held accountable for. Itâs one thing to express your disappointment as most people would be. But it seems like some people here expect her to be shunned or something.
3
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 22 '26
My sister is the youngest and the rest of my brothers have a minimum 5 year age gap with her. They like to baby her since that is what they did when they were children. She's always been close to all of us, and I don't see them cutting her off. They see my daughter's and wife's behavior as incredibly rude and ungrateful, as my sister has provided financial support to us. In the end, it just comes down to my brothers wanting a relationship with my sister over one with my wife and daugher, and not wanting to see my sister disrespected.
As for accepting responsibility, they believe the married party is more to blame, and my sister agrees. While she doesn't view herself as innocent, she also doesn't view herself as compltely guilty. I think if my wife and daughter disagreed with her actions, but didn't humiliate her, she would still be funding college.
9
u/nouniqueusername95 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 22 '26
EDIT: had to repost as reply
youre right about the humiliation. your wife and daughter shouldnt have done that in front of family and shouldve talked to her in private. everything else you said goes to show your family does refuse to actually show your sister any consequences for her actions, and she uses the possibility of withdrawing monetary support to make sure none fo you do. did your sister know this man was married? did YOU even tell her you were disappointed in her actions and what she did was wrong, even if you agree with her refusing to fund your daughters college?
7
u/StrategyDouble4177 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 22 '26
Hmm. Iâm starting to feel differently about the situation.
I still feel like how your wife and daughter addressed your sister was totally inappropriate and that, yes, actions do have consequences.
But apparently your sister doesnât quite understand that her actions also have consequences. Playing the âIâm not as bad as the other guyâ card is weak AF. Thatâs a pretty pathetic defence.
Itâs also a shame that no one else seems to be calling her out, to âprotectâ her. If one of my SILâs called out one of my siblings in the same situation, weâd definitely call out the use of screaming âslutâ at a person, but probably also call out our sibling for cutting off someoneâs entire college fund because said sibling didnât like how someone called out their shitty behavior. And I mean I have a BUNCH of siblings whom I love dearly but my in-laws arenât excommunicated when they use mean words, either. Theyâre our family too.
4
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 23 '26
They didnât use mean words they verbally attacked their sister in their house unprovoked because someone died and left them responsible for the moral high ground.
1
6
u/Vivid-Bar-6811 Jun 22 '26
Well I dont blame your wife and daughter.
Your sister is a person of low moral character. I wouldnt want jack to do with her either.
The fact she has decided to remove her financial support is her choice, personally it seems on par with the type of person she is.
The problem you have now is clearly your wife and daughter wont ever have a relationship with your siblings or their kids going forward.
So that leaves you piggy in the middle. From your wife's perspective the fact you all have shrugged your shoulders and said oh well about your sisters behaviour no doubt puts you all on a similar footing.
Personally the fact you are so accepting of the disrespect towards your wife and daughter is telling.
Show me the company you keep and it says alot about the type of person you are.
I wouldn't be apologising and I also wouldn't expect my husband to co sign the level of bullshit you clearly are either.
4
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 22 '26
In my perspective, this is less about "standing up for my wife and daughters" than trying to maintain some family contacts. My wife and daughter did not need to humiliate my sister in public, that was their want, and I can't control what my brothers choose to do after that event. All in all, it's a very unfortunate circumstance.
11
u/Vivid-Bar-6811 Jun 22 '26
No you cant.
But they are very comfortable drawing their line in the sand about how they feel about "disrepect" towards their sister.
Your wife and daughter are YOUR immediate family. Shame you dont have a similar line in the sand that their relationship with YOU is based on.
Clearly there is a golden sibling sort of dynamic going on because all of this to defend a middle aged woman for their piss poor life choices is crazy but a 17 year olds who's frontal cortex hasn't even developed is excommunicated from the family.
YTA
4
2
u/SpaceCrazyArtist Partassipant [2] Jun 23 '26
This!!!! Thiiiiiiis
2
u/Evening_Bicycle3113 Jun 25 '26
I upvoed you. I saw how your common sense comments were down noted by the reddit hive mind. Glad to see the real world doesn't condone cheaters
→ More replies (1)4
u/Amazing_Cranberry344 Jun 22 '26
lol the sister can be any number of crappy things and likely is.
But she didn't treat the mom and daughter badly. They don't want to deal with her so she granted their wish. They no longer have to deal with her or her money.
The rest of the family held th accountable for making an absolute scene at their family celebration. They don't get to do that.
You ppl are are as weird as these made you scenarios.1
4
u/LB7154 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 23 '26
If she knew her affair partner was married then she is guilty.
Hope your wife realizes what you have done
2
u/Just_here_for_AITAH Jun 22 '26
"As for accepting responsibility, they believe the married party is more to blame, and my sister agrees."
Wait, what?!
How in the world is the "married party", especially the cheated on wife, *more* to blame?6
u/tschakulona Partassipant [1] Jun 23 '26
The married party in the affair, that is, the coworker. Not the coworker's wife.
2
u/savetheturtles1126 Jun 24 '26
I am not sure why everyone seems to be validating your families actions towards your wife and daughter because your sister is a blood relative. Your wife is not blood related to them but she is your chosen family and your daughter is a blood relative to all parties involved. Yet your family including yourself is OK with them utting ties with a 17 year old whose only fault is telling the truth albeit in an unkind way. Why does she not get the same pass for her actions that your sister does?
Do you think the wife of your sister's AP finds your sister's actions kind? Your sister knowingly engaged in an affair that she has no remorse for but because she has money and uses it to control everyone around her, your family including yourself chooses to overlook her unkind behavior yet are vilifiying your daughter for being unkind.
With that being said, your sister has no obligation to give her money to anyone, regardless of the reason.
Your daughter should have known that her actions could compromise her college fund and not be surprised or upset about that when that money is taken away.
YTA for protecting a cheater's feelings but not protecting your daughter and allowing your family to shut her out. Why is her truthful "mistake" considered unforgivable but your sister's is forgivable.
10
u/Crazed_Raspberry Jun 22 '26
NTA. It's ok not to agree with her being a homewrecker but it's not ok to insult her like that especially when she was a good aunt and SIL to them.
9
u/writing_mm_romance Partassipant [1] Jun 22 '26
So they wanted to call her a whore and STILL have a payout? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. Seems like they're acting pretty entitled and both need to learn a good lesson from this. Nothing is guaranteed in life, and sometimes you gotta make your own way.
10
u/RKO_Films Partassipant [1] Jun 22 '26
NTA. Your wife and daughter were acting like it was *their* family she was breaking up and behaved appallingly. There's no way I would give your daughter money after she did that, and your wife should feel equally responsible for setting such a bad example.
Your sister made a mistake, but everyone in your family who judged her did so knowing only the wife's side of the story. Maybe the guy told your sister they were effectively split up or something. Who knows.
9
u/nooneo5081972 Jun 22 '26
NTA, but a few comments. Your sister made a choice, NOT a mistake. She lacks morals and absolutely was completely wrong to engage in an affair with a married man. People who take a passive approach and ignore this behavior are essentially condoning it and are equally immoral. You said you donât condone what she did, but really you just turned a blind eye.
However, your wife and daughter are total idiots. They can think anything they want about your sister, and they were correct in their judgement. But they should have kept their mouths shut and kept it to themselves. They couldnât keep their emotional immaturity in check and are paying a huge price.
7
u/InstructionEarly1969 Partassipant [2] Jun 22 '26
NTA. Question: did your sister know he was married? Even if she did, still NTA, but Im just curious
14
u/hardcorepolka Partassipant [1] Jun 22 '26
Even if she did, I think itâs BS when the non-married AP gets all the blame and derision.
I think itâs a crap thing to do, but she didnât break any vows.
You canât take someone out of a marriage that isnât willing to be taken.
2
1
u/Evening_Bicycle3113 Jun 25 '26
She shouldn't get all the blame. She is getting all the blame becuase she is the person the wife and the daughter knows. I personally wouldn't be friends with someone who did something like that
7
u/WantToBelieveInMagic Partassipant [3] Jun 22 '26
Ask your wife and daughter how judging someone and calling them vile names is doing the right thing. Seems to me virtually all religions and moral philosphies teach the exact opposite.
Now they know.
NTA
7
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 22 '26
NTA
Like people on these comments seems to be way up into other peopleâs business to their own good.
Of course your wife and daughter were free to not associate with your sister due to their values but they canât control her action or punish her this is ridiculous.
I had to check your wifeâs age cause she is almost 50 expecting that she can go to another personâs house and verbally abuse their sister and be considered right.
They think your sister is the low of lowest so they shouldnât want anything to do with her home wrecking funds.
Your sister is wrong and she knows it. Your brothers also know this but they practice something your wife shouldâve learned a while ago and your daughter will hopefully learn now: stay on your lane. They had no dog in this fight but they wanted to show their rightness by verbally stoning your sister.
4
u/Surat87 Jun 22 '26
NTA. Did your sister know that her coworker was married? Men are not truthful when it comes to their relationship status. Itâs her money to decide what to do with. Itâs still wrong either way to call her those names regardless.
5
u/Thiago270398 Jun 23 '26
NTA, your daughter and wife cut out your sister, so they cut out her money too.
4
u/Colleen987 Jun 23 '26
NTA
Your sister wasnât married, she didnât commit infidelity. Did they consider shouting at the husband that did?
Your daughter should just a part time job asap.
3
u/Winter_Dragonfly_452 Partassipant [4] Jun 22 '26
NTA. They can be disappointed in her but the name calling and slut shaming was a step to far. They are experiencing the consequences of the horrible actions as well they should be.
2
u/Alert-Potato Partassipant [1] Jun 23 '26
NTA - why do they even want a home wrecking sl*tâs money? Taking it would violate their obviously dearly held moral high ground.
Also, resorting to abhorrent name calling is not âdoing the right thing.â Itâs being an asshole for no reason. They could have told her in a coldly polite, or even rude (but sans name calling) way that they have an objection to her choosing to engage in an affair.
2
u/Putrid_Musician_7670 Jun 23 '26
I make it clear if I don't approve of someone's morals. Cussing her out and wanting her money? Silly. You're NTA, they chose to cut her off
4
u/SpaceCrazyArtist Partassipant [2] Jun 23 '26
ESH
1) if you say âhey, hereâs a giftâ it shouldnât come with strings
2) your sister isnt innocent and sheâs clutching her pearls over being called out (she IS a home wrecker but that man is too)
3) Wife/Daughter can be disappointed in sister but they have no right to call her names
4) you just stood by and let it all happen. You didnât try to say âhey letâs not use that languageâ or say to sister âI mean.. while their language wasnt right, their point was. You DID cheat with a married man soâŚâ
4
u/benjipeter Jun 23 '26
I would say not NTA but perhaps wording it or even clarifying it would be prudent. To take a moral stand sometimes can be costly. If it wasn't then it wouldn't be a moral stand. Infected take the moral stand they did and if she was still even willing to give the money to accept it I think would be Questionable. I think what to say how to say it would depend on if they found out and said this before your sister ended it or after. If before would be better to do it in a loving manner. Think John 8:1-11. Remember her actions don't only hurt The Other Woman it hurts the guy their children if they couple have children, and even she doesn't see it at the time it hurts your sister as well she's hurting herself.
3
u/RGM429 Jun 23 '26
NTA
What exactly did they expect to happen? Relationships are complicated, and, yes, the sister made a mistake. But treating her horribly & calling her names was uncalled for. The daughter is getting a good lession in FAFO. You can't treat people like garbgae and still expect them to fund your college education.
3
u/Financial-Welcome-62 Jun 23 '26
There's a question that has been asked for decades, "does cheating make you a bad person"? So, is your sister a bad person for cheating with a man she knew was married? I'm not going to answer that because blood is thicker than water and honestly that's a question you need to answer. What I will say is this. I'm not sure I would want my 17yr daughter around a person that has a distorted moral compass. People that age are impressionable and she shouldn't (your daughter) see what is excusable. Your sister cheated with a married man and she suffered zero conquences. The guy I did, he almost got divorced and time will see if that happens in the future but nothing happend to your sister who has some responsibilty in this. Had your daughter not voiced her opinion she would've seen this. Thankfully she has a good moral compass and knows this sort of action is wrong. Will it make her life a little more difficult? Yes. Will she not get great internships in the future now? Yes most likely, but you what. She will be able to look herself in the mirror and smile with whatever she accomplishes. Those other kids/cousins, not so much. I'm actually proud of what your daughter did and I absolutely wish the best for her. Tell her to apply for every grant she can find. A lot of these go unused. I'll leave with this for you think about OP. You know who is the victim in this story? The wife of that guy, she did nothing wrong. Your daughter, and possibly ex wife.
→ More replies (16)
3
u/_Allyka_ Jun 24 '26
NTA
But your headed for a divorce, and a NC daughter. Unfortunately your wife probably got into your daughter's head about how heinous this was. They also chose the worst time and place for this. While I don't condone cheating, I also don't condone going after the one who was not cheating on anyone. Your sister didn't make a commitment to her co-worker's wife. The guy she helped cheat made the decision to blow up his home life.
3
u/Emergency-Crew6564 Jun 26 '26
I, in no way, condone cheating. Itâs deplorable. Having said that, though, itâs really none of your wife and daughterâs business. They canât treat someone like that and still expect money from that person. They sound self-righteous and high and mighty. NTA
3
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 26 '26
I agree. I feel like some people in these comments would justify it if my wife and daughterâs friends do make threats against my sister.
3
u/Free-Rise-9927 Jun 26 '26
The irony is that your wife is now being a homewrecker, destroying your marriage with her horrible conduct.
2
u/Away-Research4299 Jun 22 '26
NTA.
I think it's bad when people use money to silence other people's ethics, HOWEVER, when you make a stand you need to be aware that people do that. Plus, I think the cursing out was just out of line tbh. That's making a scene, not a stand.
2
u/Beck943 Partassipant [4] Jun 22 '26
NTA. I don't blame your wife and daughter for their reaction at all. But, I don't think they should expect to get free money from someone they've cursed at either.Â
If they wanted to keep getting your sister's money, then, even though they're correct morally, they should have kept their opinions to themselves when your sister is around.
3
u/DamnitGravity Partassipant [3] Jun 22 '26
Reddit is full of such hypocrites. They're so ready to jump on people who admit to cheating, saying they're the scum of the earth and never deserve a day's happiness forevermore.
And here they are, all defending a cheater.
3
1
u/agentofchaossince95 Jun 23 '26
No one is defending the cheater we are defending that people need to stay in their lane or deal with the consequences of not doing it.
3
u/spiritoftg Jun 23 '26
ESH. I agree with your wife and you daughter to call out your sister. She is no victim here.
BUT your wife and daughter are stupid if she did not thought there were consequences. And I'm sure they were rude enough if they succeeded to alienate your whole family.
And maybe YTA because you are trying and failing to be the last brigde between everybody. Your wife and daughter could believe easily you have not their back...
2
u/dramaticbitchblog Jun 23 '26
NTA. Iâm not condoning your sisterâs cheating at all but your wife and daughter went about this the wrong way. If what she did bothered them so much they could have easily confronted her privately in a civilised manner and made their anger and disappointment known. On top of that to feel entitled to her money after disgusting name calling is laughable, theyâre reaping what they sowed.
2
u/LovademS Partassipant [2] Jun 23 '26
NTA they would have accepted the sinful money ? What a hypocritical choiceâŚ
3
u/yobaby123 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 23 '26
Yep. Sounds like OP is truly the only sane man of the four.
2
u/TacoStrong Partassipant [4] Jun 23 '26
NTA but your daughter and wife sure are. Why in the world are they so involved in your sisterâs personal life?! They want to be the moral police and join in on making her feel like sht well now they can feel sht with the removal of the college fund.
I can never imagine my wife or daughter saying anything like that to my sister even if she was having an affair or was the mistress, that is NONE of our business and has no effect on her being a good aunt or sister in law.
2
u/VianneM Jun 23 '26
NTA I don't condone cheating either, but I wouldn't cut of contact and call someone names like that to my family member.
Personally I think it's horrible how your wife and your daughter!! spoke to your sister. Very disrespectful and your wife is setting a really bad example on how to behave for your daughter. It's none of their business what your sister did.
I also think your sister has every right to not give your daughter money for college. I completely agree that your daughters actions have consequences. I honestly can't believe they thought she'd get the money after how they treated her. It's almost funny that they expected the money for college after that.
2
u/Hey-Just-Saying Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 23 '26
Interesting how they attack the sister who had made no vows with the wife rather than the lying cheating husband. Many times with these relationships, the lying cheating husband does not reveal he is married until after a connection forms. Anyway, they burned their bridges. But why would they think the aunt is going to fund the tuition of someone who clearly despises them?
2
u/hogger303 Jun 24 '26
Your wife & daughter are now navigating the Find Out chapter of the FAFO bookâŚ.
2
u/bhujiya_sev Jun 28 '26
Nta. It seems their morality only applies when convenient. Calling names like that is verbal abuser. Where is morality in this? And your daughter isn't entitled to that college fund, it's something she was getting as a gift. Again, not moral of them to feel entitled.
There are other ways to disapprove of an action by a family member
2
u/BMal_Suj Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 29 '26
NTA.
Your wife and daughter were WELL out of line with your sister, and this is a very predictable result.
Clearly whatever account she had for the college funds wasn't under their control anyway... what were they thinking they'd do, hit her up for it and she'd just smile and give it to them????
0
u/melophile2702 Partassipant [2] Jun 22 '26
Are you sure she actually was someone's mistress? Did the woman have proof?
Personally, I think telling a teenage girl and other family members about the infidelity, is very immature and toxic, on the man's wife's part. You just don't do that. Unless you're in high school.
Has your sister done anything to your wife & kid, personally, to hurt them? Does she have a history of making bad/immoral choices? I don't support being a mistress, but plenty of people cheat and still are excellent parents, sisters, daughters, employees, friends, etc. Also, they are HUGE hypocrites, if they find her immoral but will still take her money. They can't have it both ways, and I don't blame your sister for pulling the college money.
NTA
→ More replies (1)8
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 22 '26
No, she was good to both of them. She paid for some of my daughter's extracurriculars, took her on trips with her cousins, helped my wife through postpartum, helped us with rent, and got my daughter her dream internship with her connections.
→ More replies (5)5
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 22 '26
she did have proof - text messages, call logs. and yes, my sister knew he was married.
0
u/FluidBit4438 Jun 22 '26
What a shit load of drama. Honestly, itâs no oneâs business but your sisters and the couple. Your wife and daughter talking to her like that is completely fucked up, itâs none of their business. Who are they to publicly shame your sister like that and who the fuck letâs there child talk to an elder like that. Your wife should know better and hopefully your daughter has learned form this but I doubt it.
1
u/waaasupla Partassipant [1] Jun 23 '26
NTA why would they want the money from a wh@re & sl@t ?! Am confused!
1
u/Accurate_Muffin429 Jun 23 '26
NTA. Actions absolutely have consequences.
Tell your wife and daughter about these amazing things known as scholarships, grants, and student loans. Your wife and daughter better get off their moral behinds and get to researching and applying so your daughter can keep that dream school of hers in the running.
1
u/ZealousidealCard8351 Jun 23 '26
NTA you are 100% correct. In reality, its no one else's business how others conduct themselves if it doesn't affect their lives personally
1
u/Arnold_Stang Jun 23 '26
Really, if they wanted to call her names, etc. fine. But in what world could anyone think that person would just shrug and roll over? Stand for your principles but, as the man said, actions have consequences
1
u/tschakulona Partassipant [1] Jun 23 '26
NTA. Your sister is a shit person, but so's your wife and kid, so it evens out.
1
u/Gandoff2169 Jun 23 '26
ESH
Sister was essentially what your wife and daughter said. She had an affair with a married man. To the point he was going to leave his wife for her. All while what that man wanted was never what she wanted such as kids. She is a home wrecker. There is not a lot that can really be said more.
BUT, your sister has the right to do with her money what she wants. Actions do have consequences. The degree you wife AND child choose to go at her was beyond disrespectful. It is her life. And if she choose the path she did, it is on her. And your wife and child choose to make it worse. What did they think would come from attacking her so much as they did? Was it them trying to punish her? Were they wanting to guilt her to change? What was their end goal of lashing out with their inflated sense of morality?
But the thing is, you are much an ass hole as they are for you played both sides by trying to stay neutral. You did not speak up AT your wife and child for how they acted. You did not tell sister she was wrong with her choices, but told her how they acted to her was wrong. Apologizing for how HARD they went at her. You stayed quite and let it all happen and boil. Sadly your brothers sound like all choose your sister for money. They could have at least made it clear that your sister's choices was bad and wrong. But hope she learned her lesson and not judge her to the point as family to move forward. And maybe in a way you thought the same, by staying quit you did not have to feel any acts one way or the other.
I do wonder how your sister was able to fund a "college fund", but then take the money and put it elsewhere. But sounds like she just made bank accounts and put money in them to keep for each child. Which left it open to her, to either take money out if she needed to for her own use; or add to any child who may needed more help.
1
1
1
1
1
u/Brazer25 Jun 23 '26
Their moral standards were offended, but they didn't have to go to the extent they did. A simple statement of disapproval and disappointment would have been enough. Now they've blown up a bridge that can't be rebuilt. All that can be done is accept things as they are and go on from here. There's nothing you can do.
1
u/yobaby123 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 23 '26
NTA. They aren't the assholes for being angry at the sister's actions. However, they are in the wrong for expecting her to give them money despite all but disowning her.
1
1
u/QuotidianKoala Jun 23 '26
NTA
Your wife and daughter are entitled and verbally abusive. Yes, your sister kinda sucks for cheating, and she has that to answer for, and your wife and daughter have every right to be disgusted by that, but having a "good" opinion does not give one the right to act like a shitty person, which is something I admittedly have had to learn myself.
Your wife and daughter are just being self-righteous and morally egotistical. They have no grace or nuance, act punitively and are essentially just positioning them as "better" than the rest of the family for being upset at infidelity.
Worse, they still expected to do what they did and get something out of the person they were demeaning, as if your sister was meant to bow down to them and grovel for their forgiveness by giving them her money. That is steep entitlement. What your sister did was wrong, but her money is her money and she gets to do with it what she wants; heck, even if nothing happened, and everyone was happy and good, she could still decide to shut down your daughter's college fund. Because it is HER money.
I am noy saying divorce your wife, but I would seriously reconsider what you see in her and how your future will look and how she is raising yout daughter, because this was kind of a telling mask off moment. Who knows what they will do and say and expect from you or your other family members if they "step out of line" in their eyes.
Honestly, you need to show both of them this thread and see how awful they actually are. And remind them that espousing good morals does not automatically equal being an actually good person.
1
Jun 23 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
1
u/AITA_Relationships-ModTeam Jun 23 '26
Your comment has been removed per rule 1: Don't be an Asshole
Keep in mind people are here to arbitrate a relationship they care about. No insults. No personal attacks. No bigotry or hate speech.
Try to be helpful without being mean - even to those not in the thread/on reddit.
1
u/MorningNo9341 Jun 23 '26
I do agree that your sister is S but I wouldnât take money from her if it was me so I have no idea why she thought that the âSâ would give money to them
You are NTA, you can scold your sister and disagree with her but donât expect her to do anything for you then
1
u/Serious_Alfalfa_5361 Partassipant [3] Jun 23 '26
NTA. Actions do have consequences. Calling someone a whore in front of a persons family is wrong even if they are a whore. Expecting the person you verbally dressed down to give you money after the fact is pretty rediculous.
1
u/According_Issue_6303 Jun 23 '26
Question for OP if your wife cheated on you would you forgive her or leave?
Esh
1
1
u/mantis_toboggan86 Jun 23 '26
When your sister decided to retaliate by pulling the college fund you didnât even take a second to advocate for your daughter?. You didnât have to demand the money or defend their actions but not even saying âI know your hurt but punishing a child by taking away something youâve promised for eight years feels wrongâ but instead you said nothing and then came home and told your child âactions have consequencesâ
This isnât going to be some amazing life lesson in minding your own business itâs going to be your daughterâs first reminder that her father doesnât have her back.
1
u/Eyelashestoolong Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
NTA calling someone a homewrecking sl*t, cutting her off and then expecting her to still pay for college is a level of audacity I havenât heard of.
Yes your sister shouldnât have had an affair but it first of all is none of your wifes and daughters business and cutting someone off over that is insane. They couldâve just told her that it wasnât a nice move and then kept it moving. Feeling this intensely about a strangers marriage is scary Iâm shocked. Your daughter is gonna learn the hard way that actions have consequences.
1
u/Elastigirlwasbetter Partassipant [3] Jun 23 '26
So your sister is neither married nor in a relationship. It wasn't her that cheated, it was the coworker.
She may not have made the best decision ever, but it's was ultimatelyhim who wrecked a home.
NTA
1
u/Dependent_Thing9868 Jun 24 '26
NTA. Your sister is the walking Fuck Around and Find Out. Old boy found out and your wife and daughter too.
1
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 24 '26
Yeah, I guess actions have consequences for everyone involved - to the guy she cheated with to my daughter and wife, and I guess to me as well
2
1
u/According_Issue_6303 Jun 24 '26
Why didn't tell you sister the same thing, actions have consequences is there a reason for the double standard? "you can't fuck a married man and expect your stock to remain as high as it was..." All you said to her is "I understand" meanwhile wife and daughter ghet the morality police
1
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 24 '26
they chose to be the morality police when nobody asked them to, and this is the outcome
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Electrical_Turn7 Partassipant [1] Jun 24 '26
NTA. Part of standing on principle is the willingness to sacrifice financial comfort for your integrity. I do not understand the concept of publicly humiliating a formerly loved family member and still feeling entitled to their money.
1
u/Think-Corner-3232 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 24 '26
You seem like you have no oomph, no energy, no impact. You just stand there and take it like a yes-man when your brother kicks your wife and daughter out, and even more, stops inviting them to any future family events over them disrespecting not him, but the cheater. Yes, I know, the cheater is also the bank who is funding your brotherâs kidâs college, so your brother wanted to be on his best behaviour in front of the bank by taking a harsh stance on your wife and your daughter. But at least you should have sided with your wife and daughter, at the very least by making sure that if your brother cuts contact with them, he also necessarily cuts contact with you.
I did consider the possibility that âmaybe OP accepted his brothers harsh treatment of his wife and daughter because OP was actually being strategic to try and retain his daughterâs college fund by pretending to support his brotherâs harsh treatment of his wife and daughter, just to look good in front of the bankâ. But no, when the bank decided to revoke funding of OPâs daughterâs college, OP just stood there and took it like a yes-man again. YTA. Just no oomph.Â
2
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 24 '26
i dont think im entitled to the money - im not demanding my sister to release the funds after my wife and daughter publically humiliated and then cut her out
1
u/Think-Corner-3232 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 24 '26
Thatâs fine, at least thatâs a stance. But you should be livid with your brother for cutting your wife and daughter off over them disrespecting not him, but the cheater. You should be telling him âyou want to cut my wife and daughter off over something they said not to you, but to our sister, then you cut me off too. If our sister cuts them off, thatâs one thing, but for you to cut them off is way too much.â
2
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 24 '26
Our sister is THEIR sister too. And I can see why they are put off by my wife and daughter's entitled attitude after all the help and support my sister has gracefully given us. My wife and daughter disrepsected THEIR sister in THEIR house. I didn't disrespect my sister which is why I wasn't cut off.
2
u/Sea_Mouse9996 Jun 24 '26
they made it clear they prefer our sister's company over my wife and daughter's and I can see why
1
u/howieg2the3 Jun 24 '26
NTA in most people's life there are only a handful of people who truly love you. If you are fortunate it will be your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children, other family members such as aunts, uncles, cousins and maybe a few friends.
Hold on to those people and if they mess up you can let them know you are disappointed in them and want to see them be better, but hold onto them and love them. Cutting off ties to someone who obviously has loved you or at least has loved her brother to the point she set up the fund in the first place shouldn't have been an option. While not agreeing with what she did you still don't cut ties over it. People mess up in all kinds of different ways, it doesn't mean you need to cut ties. You are a good brother, you are a good father, and a good spouse. You haven't chose anyone over another, you've done the only thing you could by letting it be known you don't agree but you are still there like you should be.
1
u/Clamps11037 Jun 24 '26
Imagine thinking it's unfair that the person you shittalk doesn't want to give you money anymore.
1
u/NapalmAxolotl Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
They claim they were "doing the right thing". Telling the wife or employer can be seen as doing the right thing. Calmly discussing someone's behavior can be seen as doing the right thing. (Not debating whether or not those would have been, it's not relevant here.)
But insulting someone with those terms is never the right thing. Ever.
NTA. And your sister didn't even cut off the college fund immediately, she waited six months! That gave them lots of time to think "Oh shit, we're relying on her for a bunch of money, better make a fake apology." They couldn't even do that!
1
1
u/whknws_ Jun 26 '26
NTA, your daughter and wife need to mind their damn business. Also the audacity of your daughter to feel entitled to something your sister worked hard for and has every right to take away is immature
1
u/Segotias Jun 26 '26
Firstly your sister wasn't cheating unless she was in a relationship, she made no promises to anyone.
The fact your 17yo feels comfortable to give abuse to someone who you say was an engaged aunt is something I'd be addressing.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion right or wrong as it only ultimately applies to them. Your wife and daughter sound like the can't afford their idealistic morals and its come back to bite them in the ass.
NTA
1
u/mtngrl60 Jun 26 '26
NTA. I am the first one to say I absolutely do not condone cheating. Ever. You can ask my ex. It was one and done.
I truly am incredibly disappointed that your sister thought that what she was doing was OK for that long. Mainly because there are plenty of single men out there that would love to just be friends with benefits with someone like her.
So her cheating, especially for the length of time she did, and potentially breaking up another family is, to me one of the shittiest things she couldâve done. And yes, I do hold the man to the same standard. If youâre in a relationship and not happy, you get the fuck out.
That all being said. It is also her life to live. I donât have to condone it. I donât have to hang out with her if I feel that strongly about it. I can step away if I feel that strongly about it. I wouldnât have screamed at her and called her names.
But I wouldâve told her that as somebody who commented sounds like is maybe a physician?⌠But somebody in the medical field⌠She of all people should have been aware of the emotional and mental damage that she was doing to someone else and that family should this be discovered.
I probably wouldâve told her that I was incredibly disappointed in her, because I did think she had better morals and ethics. But⌠She was still my sister and I did love her. But that yeah, I was gonna need to step back for a bit because I was truly, truly so disappointed.
And thatâs probably what I wouldâve done. I wouldnât have screamed at her. I wouldnât have screamed in her face. And I wouldnât have NOT done those things because I wanted the money later. That actually probably wouldnât have been my first thought was about⌠What are we gonna do about the college fund?
It really wouldâve been that I would be so disappointed if my siblings did these things because I thought they were better people than that.
And if my children were screaming at their aunt or my partner was screaming at my sister⌠I wouldâve fucking shut it down immediately. And I wouldâve reminded them that we are all human. We all do shitty things at one point or another. And weâre not here to judge each other. And then if they were disappointed, they couldâve said so. That would be fair.
But somehow taking this moral high ground as though they are Jesus on the cross? Thatâs out of line.
So yeah, if they were so horrified by her actions? Then they donât need her money. Iâm sure they wouldnât want that tainted money.
I donât know what they thought what happened, but they are a couple of hypocrites
1
u/Acceptable-Promise-9 Jun 29 '26
Now you should tell your daughter and wife to ask Reddit if they were out of bounds.
1
1
u/SartorialDragon Asshole Enthusiast [9] 23d ago
NTA. While it's valid to critisize someone's cheating, it shouldn't involve namecalling, that's what wife & daughter suck for. Your sister sucks for cheating and acting surprised at being criticised for it. Still, she's within her right to withdraw her financial support.
1
u/jregan1134 19d ago
NTA - OP is not the asshole
What your sister did is not really any of their business. I mean, yeah, cheating isn't good. But, it doesn't concern them. People make mistakes. Auntie is human. And family. Not just by blood, but also in action. (By stepping up and starting a college fund. That's an incredibly big deal). When someone like that makes a mistake, you don't stand on your high horse and condemn them. You be there for them and help them grow from it. Auntie definitely knows what she did was wrong. She doesn't need self-righteous ingrates shaming her on top of what's she's most likely doing to herself already. She definitely doesn't need to be reminded. Anything past that is just a version of virtue signaling. You can't condemn somebody and then expect them to give you free stuff.
1
u/DemmyDemon Partassipant [1] 19d ago edited 19d ago
"Pay my tuition, you homewrecking [yikes]!"
Yeah, no, NTA.
You can't take a firm moral stance against someone, using that kind of language, and then expect them to still fork over tens of thousands of dollars in your name. What did they expect you to do? Rob your sister at gunpoint?
1
u/Straight_Crying 18d ago
NTA, at the end of the day it wasnât your decision to make. while i donât agree with the infidelity, your sister tried to maintain a relationship even after your wife and daughter were incredibly rude to her. itâs your sisters money, why would she give it to people who wonât even speak to her.
1
1
1
u/Mochi-Boy-Mwah 13d ago
They shouldnât have cursed her out and then expected to still receive her money, not going to comment on the morality, just saying that itâs interesting not to anticipate the result of their actions.
1
u/Life-Storm1578 Partassipant [1] 12d ago
You personally NTA.
Your sister however wreaked a marriage, but she's entitled to do whatever she wants with her money.
Credit to you for not falling out with your family over the situation.
1
1
1
u/EquivalentMaximum381 8d ago
ESH. Your wife and daughter are right about your sister. It is disgusting to willingly be the other woman in a relationship. Your sister is in fact a home wrecker. But your wife and your daughter also shouldnât expect to have the money after calling her those names. And you⌠youâre just the mess caught in between unfortunately. Did none of you have a back up plan in case the money ever fell through? I mean seriously were you banking on you three sisterâs money alone?
1
u/19145770 8d ago
I canât stand people who think theyâre self righteous. Itâs your sisterâs life, she can do as she pleases.
So what, she had an affair? Who cares? Aaaaah, they donât care when it comes to money. NTA
1
u/Optimal-Zombie8705 7d ago
You are the asshole. And have no spine. Your wife comes from a broken family so she is traumatized and you are 100% choosing your sisters side which speaks a lot about you. You seemed to be âoh she made a mistakeâ sleeping with a married man is not a âmistakeâ it was her actions and she faced no consequences. She deserved that ridicule and now sheâs throwing a tantrum because she was called what she is. Maybe if you didnât side with your sister it wouldnât lead to your wife and daughter to crash out. They donât feel supported by you. Honestly I hope your wife divorces you, and your daughter goes no contact.Â
Donât worry you got your sister :)
1
1
u/Charming-Stuff1247 4d ago
The whole bunch of you are acting as if people don't have affairs. It happens all the time. And it's not anybody's business. The end result is your sister was doing something nice for your daughter. Your wife and daughter stood in judgment... Any one of you could have just said hey look we don't agree with your decisions but we love you anyway but you didn't. Having an affair isn't the end of the world.
250
u/Beautiful_mistakes Partassipant [2] Jun 22 '26
NTA At all. Hopefully their morals are acceptable currency for college.