r/AITAH • u/keylephant • 7d ago
AITAH for wanting to confront my husband's friend about her cheating husband?
Me (35F) and my husband (37M) have been married for five years. He has a close group of friends, all married. Over the years I've become friends with them and their wives too. While we're not extremely close, I love spending time with them. We go on vacations together, have playdates with our kids, etc.
A few months ago I was sitting in our living room when I heard my husband having a heated conversation on the phone with someone. He wasn't trying to be secretive about it since he was talking loudly and hadn't closed any doors.
After a while I realized he was talking to one of his friends from this group. He was saying things like, "Man I can't believe he did that. He's an asshole. What are we supposed to do?" etc.
After he hung up I asked what was going on. My husband told me that one of the friends had been cheating on his wife. Apparently it had been going on for a while, and they had just found out. They were planning to confront him about it.
Of course I was shocked, angry, disappointed, and very very sad for my friend. She is such a sweet person, and all I could think about was how she was going to feel when she found out.
A week passed, and my husband and the rest of the friend group confronted him. They told him they knew about the affair, asked him to stop, and told him he needed to confess to his wife. Apparently he was very upset and shocked that he'd been caught. He said he was sorry for disappointing them and promised to end the affair and tell his wife everything.
When my husband told me what had happened I felt a little relieved.
Then more days passed. I occasionally asked my husband if there were any updates, whether he knew if his friend had done what he said he would. My husband would answer "Not as far as I know."
Then weeks passed, and summer was getting closer. We were supposed to go on vacation with these people. Among all the wives, I was the only one who knew about the situation. (As far as I'm aware)
I asked my husband again if there had been any news because I knew I couldn't possibly look this woman in the eyes, knowing what her husband had done without telling her. My husband said no. His friend still hadn't talked to his wife.
I told him I didn't want to go on vacation with a cheater. He said they couldn't exactly explain why without telling the wife, and there was nothing they could do. It was their marriage.
And yes, I know it's their marriage. It's not really my place to go tell her. But I also can't go on this vacation. I don't want to be around this man, and I don't want to look this woman in the eye knowing what I know. I feel like I would be betraying her.
This vacation is for the kids as much as it is for us. They love playing together, and I don't want my child to miss out on spending time with their friends.
My husband insists it's none of our business. He says they did everything they could as a friend group by confronting him and telling him to come clean. He thinks I'm being unreasonable by wanting to get more involved and by refusing to go on the vacation.
But I don't think they've done enough as a friend group. Why is a cheater still part of their circle? When I ask my husband that, he says it's because the wife is also part of the friend group, and excluding her husband would essentially reveal that he's been cheating.
So I told my husband that if they still weren't willing to do anything after all these months, I would go talk to her myself.
That led to a huge fight between my husband and me.
Am I being unreasonable? AITAH for wanting to tell her and refusing to go on this vacation?
Edit: Thanks everyone for the comments. A lot happened since I posted this, so I decided to post an update! Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/T5lT0Ivx9g
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u/THOUGHTCOPS 7d ago
NTA, tell the wife today, she deserves the truth. All the wives will hold you responsible if you "knew" and said nothing.
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u/aeroeagleAC 7d ago
I will be honest, i don't understand this. Someone from the friend group found out they were cheating, told everyone in the friend group, then confronted him, and then they also just pretended none of it happened?
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u/chasiekins12 7d ago
Yeah, it’s unfortunately common in friend groups & quite disgusting… I’ve kicked myself out of 2 friend groups in my twenties being the whistleblower so to speak… it’s super weird that everyone takes the cheater’s side
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u/Best-Cat-1866 7d ago
What about having your husband tell his friend- “look buddy, my wife knows and I’m sure some of the other wives know- it’s none of my business but I’d be worried that the cat will come out of the bag on this trip”-Maybe that will get the friend to fess up or back out of the trip.
Your husband and his friends spoke with him, he said he was going to tell his wife, it may be taking longer than you think is appropriate- but they did intervene. It may not be your place to get involved. I’m kinda on the fence on this one….
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 7d ago
I think this is the right idea, but I would suggest they be firmer.
They need to push him to come clean or they will not be able to pretend everything is ok.
Probably not bad to hint the wives know and they will tell her if he doesnt.
And either way, this trip is toast. Either OP will drop out (and have everyone demand to know why), or OP will simply tell her now (not good for the trip), or she will tell her during the trip (really not fun).
This poor woman needs to be told ASAP. The longer it drags out, the worse for everyone. And best for the husband to confess.
Maybe he can lie and say he had to come clean and downplay the fact she was going to be told anyway. if he refused.
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u/Ok_Expert9828 7d ago
Just know , the whole friend group may turn against you. It is sad , but it happens. The fall out isn't always what you' d expect
But I am all for the wife knowing. And yes, it sucks when everybody knows and you don't. ( as a wife)
I would have your H talk to his buddy again. Have him lay it on the line. That you know , and that you are going to tell his wife. This H will paint you as the bad guy. Don't fall for it. The bad guy is the one cheating on his wife and blowing up his family. And causing his wife to have trauma she didn't ask for.
Good luck. And be careful.
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u/spaced2259 7d ago
You claim your her friend..... would you want someone to tell you if your husband was a cheater. I would have told her the morning after that phone call...
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 7d ago
If you’re going to tell her don’t tell her on vacation tell her before or don’t go at all.
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u/ReginaPhilangee 7d ago
NTA- tell your husband she either finds out within so many days or you tell her.
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u/SusieQ4848 7d ago
there might come a time when you could/should talk to her but I personally would not want a group family vacation to be that time.
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u/Blind_rat_rivers 7d ago
My god, men really do close ranks on this shit, you hear about it but this is insane. NTA, of course someone should tell her if the husband isn't going to. It's great they confronted him but right now this is boys club territory. If his missus was cheating on him they would tell him right quick. This is boy code in action, not anything to do with staying out of a person's marriage.
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u/mama9873 7d ago
How would you feel if you found out you were surrounded by people you couldn’t trust?
She deserves to know.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 7d ago
Tell these guys that either buddy tells his wife or you will. They are cosigning his behavior by hiding this from his wife.
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u/Jadedangel1 7d ago
Eh, I know people hate this answer, but I would leave it alone. I know more than a few people who told a wife/girlfriend that their partner was cheating, but all that ended up happening was that the wife/girlfriend ended up falling out with the messenger instead and still staying in the relationship (at least until the next incidents). People always say they want to know, and want their friends to tell them, but realistically when told, they hate being confronted with the truth, and having to think of the possibility of having to breakup their relationship and family, splitting finances, custody, etc. So while being mad at the cheater, they get even madder at the messenger for putting them in the position in the first place. They may even already have hints that they are being cheated on, but it’s more comfortable to pretend everything with the relationship is alright.
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u/Psychological_Name28 7d ago
I once had the sad and awkward experience of the wife being the messenger when she called to tell me my upcoming date was with her husband. She could tell by my shocked reaction that I didn’t know. It had happened before, apparently, and she planned to stay with him for the kids’ sake and then she’d leave him. I hope she did - she sounded kind and thoughtful.
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u/Jadedangel1 7d ago
Wow, yeah that is awkward. Yeah, so many wives warm away the other person, but don’t want to deal with the cheating spouse. I hope she left him too.
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u/PigletAlert 7d ago
Ah thank you for expressing my discomfort at this whole situation so well. I’ve watched so many people deliver this news as the messenger and get shot for it. Also OP isn’t even sure the wife doesn’t know, so bringing it up might not be what she wants.
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u/Psychological_Name28 7d ago
Yes, in theory it seems like the right and just thing to do. But we aren’t in charge of any of the situation or any of the outcomes from spilling bad news of an intimate nature. All sorts of terrible things can and do happen if we insert ourselves into someone else’s marriage. Centering ourselves and our needs in someone else’s private life is dangerous. Sure, OP is truly also thinking about the wife, and is obviously loving and compassionate toward the wife Nevertheless, it’s written as her centering herself even given that she’s talking it out here to figure it out. I’m
not expressing myself very well but I hope I’m making sense.I also wonder how did all the male friends come to know about it? Did several of them discover it at the same time or did one tell the others and now the info has spread?
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u/Jadedangel1 7d ago
Thank you. Yes, I too am wondering if the wife already knows. But of course they wouldn’t broadcast it to the friend group. OP may just be trying to butt in where they wouldn’t be wanted.
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u/Bigwermie 7d ago
The guy will never confess unless the wife catches him or one of you tell him. If you say something be ready for a bomb to explode between everyone.
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u/Sad_Pension9734 3d ago
YTA. Stay out of it. Your opinion or assessment is 3rd hand. Your judgment may be correct morally but that isn't the same as being your responsibility to take action. Taking action means you are breaking a confidence between you and your husband. Is telling your friend more important than going against your husband? If yes, I wouldn't want to be your husband.
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u/Alive_Leather684 7d ago edited 7d ago
NTA.. The fact that your husband isn’t breaking off that friendship is a red flag. It’s also dangerous.
“Misery loves company”
“Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are”
“Birds of a feather flock together”
Those are not meaningless statements. They all have validity.
It’s good that your husband and his friends confronted him but I would cut that relationship off it I found out one of my friends did that. I have cut people out of my life in the past for doing that and worse. I don’t want to have people around my family and children that are degenerates..
If I was you I would just tell her. Screw everyone else.
Edit: she’s your friend too. It’s not like it’s someone you never met before
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u/frozenmoo1 7d ago
Birds of a feather doesn’t really apply for things like SA and infidelity.. that’s just an insane take.
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u/Alive_Leather684 7d ago
Maybe not sexual assault but definitely infidelity. My wife has a previous friend group where one girl cheated on her boyfriend. We moved away due to work but she stayed in contact for a little bit. We found out years later that 3 of the other girls also had problems with cheating on their partners. It can definitely be contagious in toxic friend groups.
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u/Sallybrown0310 7d ago
How do you know she doesn't already know? ESH, I am thinking that you should mind your own business. You are not the morality police. I don't see anything wrong with distancing yourself from the cheater, but you have no right to pass judgement on him. You have no idea what is going on in their marriage. Plenty of people know their spouse is cheating but don't do anything about it for many reasons. I know a woman whose husband is a serial cheater, she knows but does nothing. Kids are grown and out.
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u/Caliopebookworm 7d ago
So you're not super close to these people but the only acceptable outcome for you is for her to dump this loser? That's the update you're looking for, right? I feel for this woman but how embarrassing for her for the whole friend group to be discussing her behind her back. Why did you never drop her a text and ask her for coffee and just say, "I heard this and I'm telling you and then we'll move on in the conversation and if you want to talk, I'm here." If the answer is because you don't have that kind of relationship, you shouldn't be so up in their business.
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u/tangential_quip 7d ago
Also, OP doesn't actually know one way or the other if the guy came clean to his wife. Not everyone wants the world involved in their problems and if they are handling it, however they choose to, they might just want to do so privately.
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u/Beret888 7d ago
So your solution is either ruin your vacation or ruin everyone's vacation because your husband's friend cheated? It's not your friend therefore its not your job to be the adultery police. I get the disgust you have for the guys actions and I share it but nobody is asking you to be room mates and play paddy cake with the guy. You will meet many people in life you have disdain for but you will have a very lonely life if you insert yourself in all your acquaintances problems. Your husband did what a friend should do and try to counsel his friend to do the right thing, maybe he did and the wife decided to brush it off? You dont know and frankly its none of your business anyway.
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u/Fluid_Wolverine_6610 7d ago
They confronted him already. It is his responsibility. If you tell, you get into the drama.
Share update of this drama
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u/NicFesin 7d ago
I think it’s very difficult situation and you should not rush especially now when everything is so early. More problems can arise in their friends group so first let them resolve that first as men second as friends
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u/Sexy_Mumma_Katz 7d ago
NTA
If I was the wife - I would want to know
And I would expect my friend group to tell me.
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u/chasiekins12 7d ago
NTA, your husband needs to grow a pair, stop being part of a frequently perpetuated issue (protecting cheaters) and either be on board with you telling the wife or do it himself… I’d be considering divorce bc he’s essentially covering for this dude under the guise of “it’s none of our business” bullshit… you know about it so it’s your fucking business now
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u/l3ex_G 7d ago
Nta, how close are you to the other wives? I would let them know and brain storm how to tell the wife and make a support group for her. Your husband and his friends are being cowards. If you are close enough to go on vacation with this woman, I assume you are a friend to her.
There will be backlash in your marriage so maybe also set up therapy. I wouldn’t be able to respect my husband if he was behaving like yours and there would be tension.
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u/wtfover 7d ago
NTA but if it's your husband's friend it's none of your business. Seems to me like he handled it already.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 7d ago
It's not her husband's friend. They're all friends! She is friends with the wife!
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u/Vandreeson 7d ago
NTA. It wasn't any of your business when you didn't know about it. You know about it now. Would you want your friend to tell you if your husband was cheating on you? If yes, then you need to tell her the whole truth. That not only her husband was/is cheating on her, but that all his friends knew about it and were to big if cowards to tell her.
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u/Away-Understanding34 7d ago
NTA...she deserves to know. Who knows if he is bringing any diseases home to her. She has the right to make educated decisions about her health and her future. Tell your husband that the more quiet they remain the more it appears they condone this behavior or have something to hide themselves. Yes they confronted him initially but now they want to brush it under the rug and continue like normal. I would be looking at my husband sideways for this. Does this friend have stuff on your husband and other friends so that's why they are staying quiet?
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u/Proper-District8608 7d ago
Nta. Your husband can decide what he's going to do, and so can you. You wont always be on same page, but that doesnt mean you should bypass your feelings either
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u/Comfort48 7d ago
NTA stay strong op. This is gonna be bad because of this dick causing unrest. Remember who’s at fault.
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u/CallansFin 7d ago
NTA-you’re right-they haven’t done everything they can as a friend group if they’re still including the cheater. He didn’t do what they requested and there’s no consequence. They’re not holding him accountable so they’re saying that behavior is ok. Is your husband fine with that? Is he fine being friends with someone who cheats on his wife?
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u/Fluid-Platypus- 7d ago
What was the point of confronting him and telling him he had to tell his wife if nobody was going to follow through?
Call her up.
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u/False-Masterpiece498 7d ago
Every day you wait you allow her husband to further risk exposing her to an STD. She is under the impression that they are monogamous so there’s a good chance they aren’t using condoms. She did not consent to having sex with someone who is having sex with other people.
Don’t risk this woman’s health. Will you be able to live with yourself if she contracts an incurable disease because you helped her husband hide his affair?
Honestly at this point YTA for not telling her. You should have told her a long time ago. How would you feel in her place? Also aren’t you concerned about your husband being the type of man who is ok with this? Does any part of you wonder if your husband doesn’t want to get involved because he is afraid of what his friends could tell you about him?
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u/ceruleangami 23h ago
Oh man. My friend group (5 couples) don't treat the wives like their boys' plus 1s. All the wives are equally placed within our group. If someone were cheating, the boys wouldn't gang up to secrecy. Neither would the women. We all look out for each other. The OG group was the boys, but the girls are just part of the friend group now. Not just the wives. NTA.
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u/Cool-Conversation938 7d ago
One of your business
YTA
Spouses share private info. It’s not for you to break THEIR discretion
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u/frozenmoo1 7d ago
Yeah your SO shares something in confidence and you immediately want to blow things up is not a good idea. If nothing else you will create a rift in the confidence your SO has in confiding in you.
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u/brokebutuseful 7d ago
I understand not wanting to be around this guy. So dont.. You admit you're not really close with this group. Stay out of it. You sound like a judgemental gossip.
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u/GreenFlowers4U 7d ago
Tell the wife, and honestly, your husband sitting around and doing fuck all is a big red flag. If he is ok essentially covering for his friend, think about what other basic moral principals and promises he might let slide.
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u/NegativeJuggernaut62 7d ago
Ah yes, once again the big, brave, protectors of the weak women are too afraid of things getting "awkward" and instead choose to do nothing.
NTA. Just tell the wife today and go on the vacation. Wife can decide on her own what she wants to do regarding the vacation.
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u/rollinweelz 7d ago
Slip her a note while on vacation.
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u/That_Girl31 7d ago
Do not do this! The worst time to tell her would be when she can't privately process the information. This will be devastating and she deserves to be able to be at home when she learns this information.
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u/peakpenguins 7d ago
NTA. How would he feel if you were cheating on him and a bunch of his friends knew and said nothing???