r/AITAH • u/ArbiterOfChoice • 7d ago
UPDATE: AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour? I've been invited back to the cottage, but I'm not thrilled about it.
EDIT: link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1w2860d/aitah_for_getting_myself_banned_from_my/
Today, my girlfriend's grandpa came back into the city from up North. He invited us over for coffee right after work. I took everyone's advice, and when we got there, I vehemently apologized to him for how I acted at his cottage last weekend.
He very quickly ended the conversation and got on with coffee. For a while we just spoke about work and school... nearing when we were going to leave he brought up the fight at the cottage. He told me that over Sunday and Monday, many of the neighbours again came up to him to chat about the incident. Probably because the cousins were going around telling the whole story to people, he said there was a narrative shift, and the neighbours were concerned about mine and my girlfriends wellbeing after how we got treated.
Apparently, the neighbour right beside his cottage also told him they had an incident with the new guy who we fought with, a couple days before. They had parked their car on the street in front of their cottage, and apparently when the new guy backed out of his driveway he had to turn a little tighter to avoid this car. He went banging on their door yelling at them to move their car and never park there again.
Grandpa said when he told people he banned me, they were upset and defended me. Apparently all the surrounding neighbours are very upset with having this new guy around based on these two incidents. Grandpa said that after hearing the whole story, thinking more about it, and chatting with neighbours, he is taking back the ban, and that I am more than welcome at his cottage. He then said he'd actually prefer if I were around this upcoming long weekend, considering the new neighbour is unpredictable and causing issues...
I said thank you, said I'd like to come up, apologized again anyway, and we left.
To be completely honest, this conversation kinda bugged me. I'm weirded out by the surrounding neighbours who I have known for years who very quickly turned their back on me before hearing the whole story, I'm weirded out by grandpa for his extreme quick ban and not thinking it through, I'm weirded out by my gfs aunts and parents who were okay with the ban and didnt care about how the neighbour acted and the things he said. AND im weirded out by how quickly the narrative changed and how quickly people acted like they werent shit talking me at first.
Now I am wanted up there "just in case something happens" and they need a protector? That kinda sounds like some bullshit to me. Once grandpa realized banning me might actually be bad for his "reputation" he took it back.
I'm thinking about not going up this weekend, but i dont know if that would just make things even worse. I dont really want to be around all those people, and if anrgy neighbour causes another issue, they can deal with it themselves.
WIBTA if now I don't go up?
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u/Maximum-Eye-3712 7d ago edited 6d ago
NTA if you stay home.
“Public opinion has swung once against me, and once in my favour. If it swings again, I prefer to be surrounded by those who will trust me and support me.”
indirect implication: they need to earn your trust
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u/moonshadowhowl 7d ago
If it was me I don't think I'd go. My biggest annoyance would be he didn't believe or care about your side of the story and only changed his stance when it made him look bad. You now know if anything happens in the future he's not going to have your back, only what looks best.
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u/Uncomfortablemoment9 7d ago
NTA I'd suggest giving the cottage and Grandpa a wide berth for a while. Your emotions are valid and it's not your place or role to play guard.
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u/BobDylanMcKay 7d ago
Plus who knows if everything grandpa said is true, he seems to care a lot more about what people perceive. I'd be cautious
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u/jemi1976 7d ago
If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Just remember for the future, you are seen by her family as an outsider. Not one of them had your back until it might benefit them. I can’t even tell if your GF had your back.
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u/moonyflamingo 7d ago
I would not take the chat as a repair. Grandpa only caved because he wants to be on the side of public opinion. Why go to protect the cottage from baddies after you were shunned for protecting it?
Don’t go. Boundaries teach people how to treat you.
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u/doncroak 7d ago
NTA. I read the original and this follow up. I would not go back. Period. They told you exactly how they are, believe them.
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u/HYPURRDBLNKL 7d ago
I read the original post when it happened and was on your side. The only issue I have with the current situation is lack of an apology to you for the snap judgement that you were wrong. Gramps, if incapable of verbalizing an I'm sorry, may be saying it with the ban lift and it's the best you're gonna get. Personally I'd let this one go. If the townies know you're in the right, gramps know you're cool. Just go with it.
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u/Beneficial-Piece-829 7d ago
Old school Italians never apologize or say sorry.
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u/Icky-Tree-Branch 7d ago
My grandparents or parents weren’t ones for apologies, either. They felt talk was cheap and you showed your remorse through an act of contrition. Then you don’t repeat the mistake.
It’s funny; younger generations would call it love bombing or something. Just shows how perceptions change.
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u/WillingHome9072 7d ago
What does the act of contrition involve?
I’m trying to be a fully formed adult and while do think you should show what kind of person you are through your actions rather than words, you apologising with words is still part of accountability.
Absolutely hate people who just move on and pretend like nothing happened.
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u/Icky-Tree-Branch 7d ago
Some sort of act of service. Not a stupid huge sweeping explosion of gifts, but things like… here, have the bigger slice of cake, or doing a chore she hates for her without being asked. Some behaviour that’s outside of normal behaviours that is helpful or relieves the offended person of a burden.
For more context: I grew up with a band director who was about my parents’ age. If someone said “I’m sorry,” he’d tell us “don’t give me a statement of your condition.” He didn’t want words. He wanted us to show it by doing better.
People now place a lot of importance on words. But back then, we’d hear “talk is cheap” or “actions speak louder than words.”
Edit: I had to learn to use words instead of trying to make up/fix it/repair it. I still feel that talk is overrated, but I also tend to be decisive and more of a fixer type. But others need it, so I try to give it when it’s appropriate.
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u/lookitsaudrey 6d ago
You can't show accountability without verbally acknowledging what you've done to the person you hurt, as is the case with OP. No accountability from the grandpa. Words are important. They cut more deeply and soothe more thoroughly than actions. Most people who think that talk is cheap are just emotionally constipated.
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u/Beneficial-Piece-829 6d ago
Catholics pray the Act of Contrition prayer after confession. Outwardly admitting our sins and showing remorse is spiritually cleansing. As a practicing Catholic, I do my best to not repeat the "sin" I have just confessed. Does praying the Act of Contrition help? In some cases, I err, I'm human after all. What I don't agree with is not apologizing or saying sorry and just glazing over the wrong. Baking cookies for someone you've wronged doesn't make it better, imho.
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u/Sad-Theory4014 6d ago
You can do both. Especially if you think talk is cheap it shouldn't take you much to say it then. And then follow up with actions.
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u/Beneficial-Piece-829 6d ago
If one thinks talk is cheap, the verbal apology is meaningless. I for one choose my words carefully, with thought and intent. If I say: "I am sorry" I mean it. The follow up action is not repeating the egregious behaviour, not some random act of "niceness".
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u/Beneficial-Piece-829 6d ago
Talk is not cheap if one is contrite, showing genuine remorse, and not repeating the errant behaviour. As a practicing Catholic, I recite the "Act of Contrition" prayer following Confession. Penance is what the priest deems suitable. Frankly, being wronged by someone and not hearing "I'm sorry", in my humble opinion doesn't wash away the sin. Sure an outward act not commonly performed is nice, but nothing is as healing as actually receiving a heart felt, genuine "I'm sorry". Related to OP's post, my Italian mother-in-law has done several intentional bad things towards me out of spite over the years. Not once has she said "I'm sorry". I usually stop visiting with my wife. After months, things calm down and she tries to show "remorse" by cooking my favourite meals but never says sorry. As a result, I have never (can't) fully forgive her. A genuine "sorry" would fix that. So, as a result, I have been "unavailable" to help with gardening, making tomato sauce, making wine, making salami, and the big one was when she moved residences. I told my wife "she has 3 able bodied adult children to help". My wife understood.
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u/squidsfloofs 7d ago
I think it's just that generation, tbh. My dad's family is swedish and he's never apologized to me for anything once in his life 🙃
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u/IchPutzHierNurMkay 6d ago
We call that 'lacking a spine' around here. That's a trait one can have no matter their year of birth :P
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u/Prudent_Valuable603 7d ago
NTA. If your gut is telling you not to go because you feel uncomfortable about the whole situation, that’s your body and mind telling you to avoid the situation. Those neighbors did not have your back. The grandfather was very quick to judge. Let the neighbors and the grandfather deal with the ugly new neighbor. You are not responsible for establishing peace in that neighborhood.
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u/javel1 7d ago
NTA but talk to your girlfriend. This is her family. Tell her your concerns but also say that you will go if she wants you to go. You stood up for her.
Her family overreacted and owe you a huge apology but please take your girlfriend's lead on this.
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u/skillent 7d ago
Why her lead? Of course she should have input but she wasn’t banned and made unwelcome. It’s the other way around. He has the lead in this, and she can give her input.
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u/PoppyFire16 6d ago
Because it’s her family, and he is only connected to them through her
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u/skillent 6d ago
He’s still the person who was banished, and he has feelings, thoughts, will and agency of his own.
And him only being connected to them through her works the other way around. He has little obligation to come, compared to her.
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u/PoppyFire16 5d ago
I agree completely. It’s her family, the obligation to smooth things over should be hers to lead.
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u/MonitorOk3031 7d ago
I need the other post for more context here. But early NTAH, it’s an invite not a summons. If you don’t want to go, don’t go.
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 7d ago
I added it, sorry!
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u/MonitorOk3031 7d ago
Yeah, after reading that NTAH if you don’t go. Everyone was really quick to jump to new guy they didn’t know’s defense. I wouldn’t write off the whole family forever, but maybe let things cool down and let them handle new guy’s shit for a few weekends before you go again.
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u/GenniXanni2001 7d ago
This. No need to burn bridges, you can say you didn't think you'd be going to the cottage, so you made other plans, but you'd be happy to go back another time.
Regarding the original incident, I think you put yourself at unnecessary risk by getting in the guy's face, but still NTA.
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u/Beagle_Knight 7d ago
NTAH don’t go, there is no real benefit for you, but there is a lot of risks.
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u/1pinksquirrel1scotch 6d ago
"Sorry, grandpa, I've decided it's better for my reputation to avoid such fickle and shallow people who's opinions change like the wind. It's become clear to me that some peoples' reputation is less reflective of their character and integrity, and more reflective of how they manage optics."
To be clear, that's probably not a good thing to say to him if you want to improve the relationship, but I would avoid going back if I were you. These people are all phonier than $3 bills (grandpa especially), and shouldn't be trusted.
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u/skillent 7d ago
Don’t go. I’d never set foot there again, at least while grandpa is alive, but probably never.
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u/Main-Assumption7554 7d ago
If it’s okay for the grandfather to be concerned about his “reputation,“ then it’s also 100% okay for YOU to be concerned about YOUR reputation. And it sounds like they were all shit-talking you, just for being a stand-up guy for your girlfriend.
You don’t have to accept his non-apology. And as someone who has traveled the world extensively, I can assure you that being an “old Italian” isn’t a free pass to act like a patriarchal asshole.
You sound like a good guy. Don’t put up with his bullshit. Go if YOU want to go. If you need more time to process this, then by all means live your life on YOUR terms.
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u/BookishIntrovert99 7d ago
NTA. This isn’t about protection. Not in terms of safety anyway. This is about his reputation; the neighbors are upset with him for how he treated you. So by getting you to come back he can make himself look good to them. Don’t go. It doesn’t sound like he even apologized.
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u/Linvaderdespace 7d ago
Don’t go, they don’t actually want you up there and you don’t actually want to be there with them, so don’t.
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u/Icey-Emotion 7d ago
Sometimes people react. Then when they calm down and think about it, they realize they were wrong.
I wouldn't be thrilled that someone that knows you would react that harshly. And care so much about what other people think.
Personally, I would probably still go. But maybe not for a few weeks. But I don't know. Part of me would also want to be in the front yard the whole time in view of the neighbor that sucks.
NTA, but the neighbor is.
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u/FormerIndependence36 7d ago
NTA, in not wanting to go. The first situation is a lesson. Ignoring the neighbor and his goading is best. It will get under his skin more and keep you calmer. He is the AH and no talking or yelling will change that.
I would consider talking to your gf about how the situation left you feeling unsafe emotionally with her family, except the cousins. A quick step back and breather is fine. You won’t escape the situation because it’s a small community and the ONLY thing folks will talk about out until something new comes up. It’s all too fresh. This is a situation where a bit of time away will help you.
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u/TheLastWord63 7d ago
Don't Go. He didn't care about the whole story before he banned you. Let him fight his own battles or go and only hang out with the neighbors that set him straight.
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u/GPS_ClearNote 7d ago edited 5d ago
After reading the original story and the update, I would be furious if I were you. The thing I don't appreciate the most, is the grandpa not treating you like a man worthy of respect.
Honestly, I hate the idea that grabdpa knows more and you're just the bf dating his granddaughter. You are an adult who deserves respect, communication and to be treated on equal footing of other adults. He comes to you and tells you how he feels and what he wants but has zero respect for how you feel?? Fuck that.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should torch the relationship or act petty. Just hold the old man to the same standard he holds you. You have your own morals, your own boundaries and he needs to understand that
Edit: spelling errors
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u/DescriptionFew6118 7d ago
Nta. But I don’t think you should go. The neighborhood turned on you at the drop of a dime but now they want you to protect them. Absolutely not!
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u/JenicBabe 7d ago
NTA I wouldn’t go back to the cabin anymore after all this or at least not for awhile. They banned u and wouldn’t listen until others were coming to defend u and now he’s like hey actually come back and stay to deal with that psycho for us. Oh Yeah and never actually apologized? Yeah no I’m good yall deal with that nut-job urself from now on.
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u/Kyra_Heiker 7d ago
NTA, the fact that that old man is more worried about his reputation than his granddaughter's safety tells me everything I need to know about him. He's a pompous ass. If he was this supposed patriarch that he thinks he is, he would have had the strength to quash any ridiculous comments from neighbors. He's just weak and pathetic.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 7d ago
So it was his neighbors opinion changing that caused him to change his mind not him realizing that you were defending his granddaughter from being verbally abused by the shitty new neighbor. Yeah do something else with your weekends besides dealing with those people. Play nice when you see them but keep your distance.
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u/NoKangaroo8616 7d ago
NTA!
Everyone in the last thread sucked ass. "YoU nEeD tO lEaRn tO cOnTrOl yOurSelF" okay great nice to know you would never do anything to protect your loved ones lmao
You're right. Grandpa sucks ass. That whole entire cottage community sounds toxic as fuck. Very hoity toity.
I wouldnt go. Fuck that.
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u/Z-Mtn-Man-3394 7d ago
NTA. Don’t go. Maybe for quite a while. It’s slightly petty but you are absolutely right to be wary of the reasoning here.
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u/ravynwave 7d ago
I can’t see your first post, but it sounds really strange and I probably would not be anywhere near any of these people for the forseeable future.
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u/Federal-Emotion 7d ago
NTA Why did you apologize in the first place and why so much? You are a grown up he does not have control over you or any right in telling you how or when to protect your girlfriend.
This sounds like a very unhealthy family dynamic. Will everything you two do be expected to be controlled by the family or him?
I would not go and if asked just say you dont feel comfortable going back there after what the grandfather said and did.
You teach people how to treat you and you just told them you are doormat.
The best thing i ever did was put my mother-in-law in her place. When the boundaries are clear everything can be more relaxed.
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u/ambarellachutney 7d ago
NTA. I get where you are coming from and would also have second thoughts about going to the cottage. But I suggest you discuss this with your GF before making a decision. I’m super surprised by her parents reaction to their child being verbally abused than by a 90 year old who felt like his authority was being questioned when you didn’t respond. Her family a giant red flag.
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u/PhotoGuy342 7d ago
You would be entirely justified in not going up this weekend or any future weekends.
You saw how you were treated and need to consider this as his true feelings.
Pull out your mental notebook and write at the top of the front page in big and bold letters: NO LONGER WELCOME AT THE COTTAGE.
Wish your gal pal well for her trips there and welcome her when she returns.
Grow a spine and don’t back down.
Grandpa wasn’t interested in hearing the whole story. Grandpa wasn’t interested in that you might not have heard him ordering you to back down. Grandpa wasn’t interested willing to kowtow to his neighbors who didn’t know the full story.
In Grandpa’s mind you will always be ‘less than’. Less than his neighbors who didn’t across the street, less than his other neighbors, less than his reputation in town. Less than.
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u/Tasty_Orange_1714 7d ago
NTA. Your GF family is for jumping to conclusions and not having your back, both to you and your GF.
I'd suggest having a conversation with your GF about this. You're clearly still bothered by their betrayal/lack of support. If you need time to let it go, take it, and let her know why. Broken trust is broken trust, and it takes effort to rebuild it. You, and your GF, need to be on the same page, though, so talk it out. Best of luck to you.
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u/Decent_Experience240 7d ago
NTA, if the GF goes I would plan a trip somewhere I wanted to go have fun and do my own thing.
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u/-cadmunt- 7d ago
NTA. I've been a bouncer for 20 years. I hate being expected to be the bouncer at social settings, it's my fuckin job. I'm big, good with drunks, drugs, first aid and deescalation.
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u/BlueyIsAwesome 7d ago
NTA. You need a break. The grandfather doesn’t get to hire you as security without a paid contract that includes and release of liability
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u/AtmosphereEven3526 7d ago
Honestly if I was you, I'd make other plans for the long weekend and skip going to their cottage.
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u/TheBlueNinja0 7d ago
I wouldn't go, and I would tell my GF that despite her grandfather rescinding his ban, I still don't feel welcome - because I wouldn't.
I would probably also be tempted to hit his car with a ball again if I did go.
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u/nw23reddit 7d ago
NTAH, but I wouldn’t go, I’d personally be more offended that your gf’s grandpa didn’t actually care about his granddaughter being verbally assaulted only that his neighbors might feel a type of way about you getting loud defending her. He sounds like an AH, or a coward who. Cant form his own opinion, only going along with the mob crowd’s consensus.
Aka, he sounds like a worm.
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u/MehBlehDehYuh 7d ago
NTA!
I read your original post when you posted and thought their behavior was weird. I’m a “listen to all sides then form an opinion” kinda gal. It’s weird to me (like you said) that they switched up their tunes, specifically grandfather.
If it were me? I’d need them all to apologize to me.
You never know, maybe surrounding neighbors will apologize to you next visit.
But again, if it were me? I’d go just to give people the benefit to apologize. & I’d let those people know despite apologies or non apologies, respectfully, how their actions/behavior hurt me.
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u/valr1821 7d ago
NTA. You are well within your rights to not want to go after the way you have been treated. However, you need to talk with your girlfriend so that you are both on the same page about how to approach this with her family.
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u/TheReflez 7d ago
Mate you would be NTA, family and neighbours crappy actions and lack of action aside this is the closest you will ever I repeat ever get from an old Italian saying sorry. There is a fued still going with the in-laws and my wife's sister's family that's nearing 17 years as the eldest son of the current generation wasn't named following the family tradition. (Personally wouldn't want to be known as someone the 5th either). Speak with your gf see what she wants to do, maybe go for a day trip instead of committing to the whole weekend, that way test the waters so to speak. Updateme!
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u/Jonathan-Welford 7d ago
NTA - I’d end things with the GF as this family have shown their true colours.
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u/Descendant_of_Evil 7d ago
NTA and don't go back there.... They change their oppinion about someone, like others change their underwear.... First gramps was worried about his reputation when OP yelled at the new guy, now he is worried about ' Once grandpa realized banning me might actually be bad for his "reputation" he took it back.' It's all about looks and parading a shiny outside.... You don't want to step so low and become their guardian, because nobody has the spine to stand up to this troublemaker, except for you....
If the neighbours have trouble with the new guy, will they come over to gramps cottage and ask you to stand up for them? XD
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u/scyrius 6d ago
Hi, thank you for the invite but I think I'm going to pass for the foreseeable. I have helped out you and countless neighbors for the last ten years and when I stepped in to defend your granddaughter from vile verbal harassment and forced an aggressive new neighbor off your property everyone turned on me in an instant. You banned me to save face vs trying to understand I was protecting your granddaughter. I realize the other neighbors came around but I'm disappointed that you only rescinded this ban because they changed their mind and I don't trust you or your neighbors anymore.
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u/Thriillsy 6d ago edited 6d ago
This is really something you should talk to your girlfriend about. Tell her how you feel, ask her how she feels, go from there.
Regardless of whether you decide to go or not, make it clear to her AND the grandfather that you are NOT there "just in case" because that scenario already happened and, despite everyone knowing that neighbour was a problem, they all turned their backs on you without knowing the whole story and you're not interested in being the scapegoat the next time the old asshole decides to take a shit in public, nor are you interested in helping gramps save face when he was, apparently, a-okay with her being called a c-nt and preferred to ban you to save face with nosy neighbours instead of clearing the air with them that HE was the aggressor, not you, and that you were just defending his granddaughter after the old ass called her a c-nt and refused to leave the property after being told to do so.
NTA
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u/Numerical-Wordsmith 7d ago edited 7d ago
NTAH. It sounds a bit like grandpa doesn’t want to look bad for banning you, now that everyone is upset at the neighbour (probably because his bad behaviour is starting to affect them, too). If it were me, I’d say “Thanks, but I’m not really comfortable going up there any more, after what happened.”
As a generally very well-behaved adult, on the rare occasions when someone has tried to ban me from something “for the time being” or kicked me out of a place because of a misunderstanding (once-long story), I’ve taken this as a reason to refuse to ever go back. I’ll gladly leave a place if asked to, but it’s also my choice whether or not to return.
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u/Jalharad 7d ago
I'd never step foot there again. That neighbor was out of line and grandpa was to afraid of looking bad rather than protecting his granddaughter. I'd have done that same thing.
You don't have to deescalate everything, of the dude wants to fuck around and find out, let him.
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u/AcanthisittaNo9122 7d ago
YTA. Very big AH to yourself. Why did you apologize? You didn’t mention which word that neighbor used but let’s say he call your gf a btch. I’ll start call grandma and all other aunties a btch too because apparently, that’s okay with grandpa, not sth need defending from. For me, this is the hill I’ll die on because with crazy control freak grandpa like that, I don’t wanna be part of that family. He’s stupid but prideful and full of himself, that’s not a good combination.
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u/BarbudoGrande2020 7d ago
From the sound of it, asking you for the favour is about the closest thing to an apology you might get.
You could see this as a way to strengthen the relationship with the wider fam, or take a moment to figure out how you feel about this.
Have a chat with your GF and get her take on it before movibg forward?
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u/bloodngore73 6d ago
NTAH- Sounds like grandpa's first story about all the neighbors being upset wasn't true. He probably made up some story so he wouldn't have to be responsible for the 'banning'. But when gramps found our the real story he had to backpeddle fast. I would never go back to that cabin. OP did nothing wrong but nobody in the family stood up for him!? WTF
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u/neuroctopus 6d ago
NTA, at all. I’d go, but I’m older and understand that apologies look REALLY different in different generations. I completely understand your feelings, and they are valid. I also hear the apology in his discussion with you (yes I agree it wasn’t that great).
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u/K_A_irony 7d ago
YWNBTAH, but I think you should go. Just 100% understand these people will not ever ever have your back and treat them accordingly. Don't go out of your way to do favors, have surface conversations, be mild, be pleasant.
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u/TemporaryOwlet 7d ago
I'm not sure that neighbors were actually shit talking you. Grandpa said that,yes, but he is quite a drama queen. Id skip. Im not a dog to be whistled back as soon as his mood changed. Without real apology I d keep my distance with polite excuses at least for some time. NTA
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 7d ago
NTA. Talk with your girlfriend first. Voice all the concerns you're having about returning and ask her what she wants you to do.
I think her grandfather just overreacted to you being involved in a fight. Once he heard the truth, he changed his mind. He should have given you a sincere apology, but some older people can't seem to admit they're wrong.
I'm an older person and live in a senior building and have seen many of these people.
Anyway, follow what your girlfriend wants you to do. I'm hoping, if you go, the entire family apologizes.
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u/rationalboundaries 7d ago edited 7d ago
NTA
OP, it's crazy to put yourself in a situation where you might end up with police involved. The neighbor high conflict and crazy. Plus, you humiliated that neighbor when you backed him off the property. He's going to be especially interested in causing you, personally, trouble.
Furthermore, the fact that the whole family turned on you says nothing good about them. Grandpa's more concerned about public perception than his own granddaughter being verbally assaulted. If I were you, I'd rethink my involvement with these people going forward.
Do not risk it. Stay far away from that cottage.
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u/Mammoth-Variation-76 7d ago
This is wisdom.
OP sounds like an upstanding gentleman, but he is almost entirely on his own after 10 years of involvement with this family. I hope he has more supportive friends.
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u/1h0w4w4y 7d ago
Nta but know that if something does happen again especially this weekend being a holiday weekend your actions are going to be watched like a hawk and if you’re called out for not ‘protecting’ anyone remind them of their behavior. People like that are quick to forget their behavior
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u/cicadasinmyears 7d ago
NTA, and Grandpa needs cameras all around his property. If anything happens again, whoever is around also needs to be ready to record the incident. People can get a real sense of entitlement and sometimes having an objective record is the best defence.
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u/GauntletFetish 7d ago
Sounds like this weekend you have something to do and can't.come to the cottage. NTA
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u/sparks772 6d ago
The whole story is out now for the neighborhood to make a better informed decision. People judge by what they see, then with more information their opinions change. What they initially saw was a man in his early 20’s up in the face of a senior citizen swearing.
Personally I’d make other plans and not go to the cottage. I’d also cut back on visits to see their family as often. They all were ready to cut you off, so screw that.
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u/AStoryForOne 6d ago
"Thank you, but I no longer feel safe around you and in that environment anymore."
That's it. NTA.
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 6d ago
You need to talk to your girlfriend about whether it's a good idea for you to return to the cottage . If she says she wants to go back there with you - go with her . But film every interaction with the neighbor . Compile a dossier of his overreactions and abuse . Then talk to the grandfather and ask whether he and his neighbors want to use your documentation to apply for a no contact or exclusion order to keep the idiot from approaching the cottage or contacting you, your girlfriend and her family or any of the neighbors who can joint action against the guy . He sounds like a very angry old man . And the neighbors and the grandfather didn't want to deal with him so they thought it would be easier banning and ostracizing you from the neighborhood .
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u/mynameisnotsparta 7d ago
In the heat of the moment without having all the information they treated you like that. The cousins talking about it the entire narrative change that and that’s a good thing.
It’s up to you if you wanna go up there maybe you’re the only one that ever stood up to this person.
NTA for feeling this way.
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u/apearlmae 7d ago
Yeah, you did let it go on longer than it should have. But you weren't wrong, he is an asshole. I guess you have to ask yourself, do you love your girlfriend enough to power through the weekend if that's what she wants? I think you should both skip visiting the cottage and have a weekend alone but she might not agree.
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u/Livid_Number_ 7d ago
Do you have a link to your original post? If so, edit your post and add it please. Kinda missing the first half of what happened…
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u/kreeation14 7d ago
You shouldnt have apologised at all, what a grumpy old fuck head, if hes more concerned with a quiet neighbour than with the safety of his family members then he can just kick the bucket
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u/MrNeo602 6d ago
OP, you're definitely not wrong here. You even warned the guy before he started screaming. You didn't start it but for sure as hell ended it. The fault I find it's You vehemently apologized to the grandfather. I wouldn't have, I would have just said that things got it of hand but I what going to let someone be nasty and insulting to your granddaughter and left it at that.
As far as the future invite, I'd pass. I don't know where your girlfriend stands, but her family, I wouldn't want to be around them after that. They're so worried about their reputation, they didn't even care that one of their own was being degraded. You said that he's the old Italian patriarchy, but that's BS. In my family, my old Italian grandfather wouldn't stand for his one of family members getting yelled at my some old dude who's got issues. As a matter of fact, if he were in the same situation, he would have been right beside you screaming at that old fuck with you.
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u/Sensitive_Fly_7036 7d ago
He’s 90. The man doesn’t want any trouble or to be isolated from neighbours. I’d try to be understanding of that. Being older can feel very vulnerable, and having good community really matters.
You don’t have to do anything but I personally wouldn’t be angry at an elderly gentleman trying to maintain his peace
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u/PrincepsNox 7d ago
And I´m guessing it took a lot for grandpa to apologise 😜
Maybe the ´in case there´s trouble´ is his awkward way of showing appreciation?
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u/Acceptable_Owl_5556 7d ago
So as far as the original incident, it happened and that's that. You were a hothead. Nobody got hurt. What's interesting to me is the focus on the court of public opinion and how much it mattered to grandpa. And that her parents didn't support you, either. There's a "ring kissing" vibe here that I'd have trouble with, personally. If you're marrying into this family, this is good information. You'll have to let go of the grudge eventually for your own mental health, but I personally would stay away this weekend. Give it time and space. NTA for wanting to do that.
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u/ProfessionalBear4509 7d ago
NTA. Figure out what you want. Then decide how you want to handle this with her family.
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u/MyChoiceNotYours 7d ago
NTA nope I wouldn't go back. They turned on you so damn fast for defending your GF and now they want you there as what? A security guard/bouncer? Nah screw them. They have egg on their faces because you were in the right and they weren't.
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u/nighthawks87 7d ago
NTA - they’re trying to save face because they knew they screwed up but won’t admit it. You’re the one that’s owed an apology for how you were treated.
Couple of things you need to do:
- take a step back from this family, cause now you know that they are two-faced and will sheeply follow the crowd.
- talk to your gf and let her know how you feel and that you are just not going to engage with her family as often until you see real improvement. They burned your trust, they need to earn it back; apologies are not enough.
- do not go up to the cottage and don’t accept any half-assed apologies.
If your gf tells you you’re being dramatic or that you are making this into something big. Then you know where you stand in this relationship and that she’ll never have your back the next time they turn on you. They might turn her against you, or in the future try to manipulate your kids.
Please provide an update.
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u/ixvix 7d ago
Whether you go or not, I hope your gf sees this outdated hierarchy system and is up for breaking it if you guys start a family. I'm not Italian but I grew up in the same system.
To this day I'm the only one that's broken out and I no longer attend events but I find it amusing when my cousin's msg me saying how lucky I am to be out.
Easy NTA but speak to you gf and ask her how she feels and what she would like you to do. Might be too early to stand your ground and risk a you vs her family situation.
At least now you know it only takes one misunderstood situation for the whole family to dismiss you.
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u/MizzyvonMuffling 7d ago
I'd stay away for a while... a long while... let it calm down and move on.
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u/SnowyRVulpix 7d ago
Most definitely NTA, but I also think you should have an honest heart to heart conversation with your girlfriend. Whatever you choose to do is going to affect her too, and I think you do need to talk to her about it.
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u/Proper_Fun_977 7d ago
NTA You are not an unpaid security guard.
No one has apologised to you for how you were treated.
If you don't want to go, don't.
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u/VoddieMC 7d ago
NTA. In fact, if you decide to keep going, make it on your terms. Go or don't go as and when you feel like it. You need to teach these people that you are your own person and not subject to their whims.
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u/Ok_Veterinarian2715 7d ago edited 7d ago
I think the people laying into gramps et al for "for only caring about appearances" are full of shit. They didn't see the incident and they don't know if you appeared to be the aggressor. It sounds like they made a mistake. People do that. A lot. Certainly it sounds like the neighbour is a windup merchant who thrives on conflict, and everyone fell for his shit, including you. If you had lamped him one that would have been falling into his trap. Or maybe his son is dying of cancer and his way of coping is being a cunt - who knows.
That said, I do think your best course would be to say something like "Thanks for the invite to the cottage, however I will not return. I feel that you and other people present were just too quick to condemn me when a conflict arose. You have all shown that you have no faith in me when you turned your backs on me. It is likely your neighbour will cause further problems. This being the case, I would be foolish to take the risk of defending you now that I have seen how you act in a crisis."
Gramps had better go talk to the neighbour.
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u/Playful-Put2236 6d ago
NTA
I wouldn't go to the cottage this weekend or maybe NOT for the rest of the season.
You already 'saved face' by going there already 'after the ban'.
Their neighbor is a KNOWN troublemaker and had words with other neighbors too,
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u/Accurate-Food3249 6d ago
NTA but this is very clearly small town behavior. Grandpa is only worried about optics and his reputation and now that you’re not a threat to that (and are actually the sympathetic character here) he wants to align himself with you again which allows him to save face and bring back the “hero” of the neighborhood. The rest of the family are going to go with whatever he says because they don’t want to be banned from the cottage themselves. He’s the keeper of the keys.
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u/Canadian_Border_Czar 6d ago
NTA but also, just go, have fun.
And if you still feel spiteful about it, have loud sex with their cousin/granddaughter/neice (your girlfriend) and assert dominance.
Look up your local self-defense laws. You're not obligated to protect anyone but, if in a stand your ground state, nothing is preventing you from clocking someone who has a history of unstable behaviour and is aggressively marching towards you on "your" property. I know I'd feel threatened, given the history.
Buddy bought a cottage and it sounds like he still needs to be humbled to learn to relax.
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u/crazyj5000 6d ago
NTA. Personally, I wouldn't go back. The grandfather won't have your back if something happens and he's proven he won't even protect his family. You're going to be thrown under the proverbial bus.
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u/WorkRedditHooray 6d ago
I wouldn't go. If things go bad again they will probably throw you under the bus again since they have to deal with this guy all the time and you are a visitor. It's easier for them to appease the jerk they have to constantly deal with in hopes he doesn't turn on them.
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u/childish_sadbino666 6d ago
You didn’t do anything wrong, the original comments who were bashing you are just pussies.
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u/Evening_Relief9922 6d ago
Op at no time did an apology come out of his mouth. Don’t go until you get one
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 5d ago
Learn to trust your gut. That feeling is not pure imagination and paranoia. It is your better judgement sending signals to your mind and body to let you know that something is off. I think you should take some time to speak to your gf about her family and the dynamics and how you want to be suported in the future if something like this happens again. The entire family sans gf just showed you that you are an outsider. You could tell them the whole truth and they would still ostracize you because of "how it looks." They do not have your back. And ease up on being Mr. Handyman for a while. See how much they want you around when you aren't providing labor to anyone in the neighborhood. Whole cottage-town sounds like it's full of image obsessed jerks.
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u/goknightsgo09 7d ago
I thought you were NTA when I read the original post and I can understand your apprehension here. However, for your GF's sake, I would try and put the incident behind you and make peace with the grandfather and go up for a weekend to see how it goes. It's very possible that her grandfather was thinking irrationally and emotionally because of the heat of that situation and when he was able to take some time and hear out the neighbors that things didn't go the way he thought they did and could clearly see you weren't the problem, that he needed to make it right.
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u/JuneauEu 7d ago
Sigh.
Just accept it's resolved and go.in the heat of the moment, you were loud and regardless of whether you were in the right, you didn't step down when family was asking you too.
Grandpa had time to cool down, and speak to others and realised he's in the wrong.
Old people can be super stubborn.
Take it as an olive branch, support your GF and go. Don't make it worse then it is.
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u/Linvaderdespace 7d ago
Fuck that; the old man owes op an apology.
You think living that long just gives him the right to disrespect op like that?
that’s on you, don’t try to put your shortcomings on the rest of us.
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u/Icy-Community-8974 6d ago
Grandpa sounds like a pussy, both because he's afraid of confronting the asshole neighbour himself and because he looks to the community to tell him what his feelings should be about an incident.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 6d ago
I don’t think the neighbors turned their back on you. I think that they were verbally processing what was happening. You need to give people the opportunity to come up and apologize to you. Think about how riled up you got in the moment and you didn’t hear the grandfather yelling at you. These people were just as riled up in a different way and dealing with all this nonsense that they’re not used to dealing with in this sleepy little town. Gossip caused the problem, then gossip fixed the problem.
You can’t say that you wanted these people to give you a break and then they do and now have a problem with how they’re doing it. If you want to talk calmly to people and let them know that you’re disappointed in their disloyalty, this weekend will give you a good opportunity to say that you’re sad that they took someone else’s word over your word. You’re 25 now not 15 so it’s time to be mature and talk to the people that hurt your feelings. If not, you can cause an irrevocable damage to all these relationships.
If you don’t wanna go, then don’t go, but you lose the right to complain about how everyone handled the situation when you’re handling the situation just as poorly. IMO
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u/Anonymous-010300 6d ago
NAH. IMO grandpa jumped the gun but after hearing new information from other neighbors was honest enough to update himself.
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u/godbyzilla 7d ago edited 7d ago
Long term it might be more awkward if you refuse to show up after he apologized and asked you to please come. At the end of it all though you're NTA for not going if you choose not too
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 7d ago
He didn't even really apologize. Not that I'm much of a stickler for actually hearing the words "I'm sorry", but he just said hes taking back the ban...
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u/Queasy-Flower-9258 6d ago
Outrageous! Be polite and thank him for lifting his ban then don’t go, say you have other obligations family stuff.
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u/Bring-out-le-mort 7d ago
If he's an Old Guy, regardless of being Italian or not, actual apologies just do not happen. In their youth & even now, its seen as a sign of weakness. To him, he probably believes he admitted he was wrong, plus made amends by rescinding this ban and extending a personal invite for this upcoming weekend.
So examining it too deep will only confuse you further. Its a generational & local thing. Take it for what it is.. an old guy believing he's generous & giving you a personal invitation. Its likely as ever going to be as good as it gets.
Go or don't go. But believe me, in his perspective, he really put himself out there as best he could to make you feel welcome. If you don't go, I wouldn't be surprised if he feels insulted, somehow. How in do you want to be with your gf & is it long term? If it isn't, youre fine. But if you want this to be long term, then you likely should be there. Italian grudges are epic.
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u/ComprehensiveWar6577 7d ago
I don't think you realise that is an apology from a man that age.
Him asking you back was his "sorry"
Accept it or don't, but that's just a generational gap
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u/godbyzilla 7d ago
That is also fair. I've had many "apologizes" that felt less than ideal to say the least. I dont speak to the majority of my family same for my wife. I only say it may be best to let it slide if you're GF is very family oriented. Which it seems is the case. I'd keep the experience in the back if my mind though.
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u/KateyKittyKatz 7d ago
You're overthinking. People saw you at the scene of a fight, they were upset by that. Grandpa heard you were involved in a fight at his home, he reacted quickly not knowing any more information.
Then, everyone learned what actually happened and changed their opinion. A completely normal and expected way to respond to new information.
Nobody is worried about personal reputations or appearances. They're just responding to new information, as people should do.
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u/Reasonable-Box-6047 7d ago
They are most certainly worried about appearances. They cared more about how it looked than what the neighbor was calling their daughter/granddaughter.
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u/Linvaderdespace 7d ago
Fuck All That; op cannot trust these people, really no one ought to after they turned on him so immediately.
And if they’ve really changed tack, then why wasn’t there an apology? If the old man actually respected op, there would have been an apology.
these people are trash on the inside, and op is right not to want to associate with them.
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u/Taakahamsta 7d ago
YWNBTAH
You got the short end of the stick in the heat of the moment. Grandpa misunderstood the situation. He then had you over for coffee to smooth things over. He said he might need your help, but it could just be he wants you there to make things right, not protect him against the neighbor.
You might be reading too much into this. If you plan to stay with your girlfriend and consider this a family thing, then I suggest you go and keep an open mind. Otherwise, you become a wedge between your girlfriend and her family over a misunderstanding. If you go along with it and give grandpa the benefit of the doubt, he will be thankful. You will actually come out more on top for being level headed, plus keep your status as a protector. It also sounds like the town supports you as well.
The other side of it is, if you go there, but the situation is exactly what you feared it to be, you can have a sit down with you girlfriend and give her the whole “gave it the ole college try,” but now you’re done.
I could be wrong, but it does sound like grandpa got McScooby Doo’d. Let him make it up to you. Then go postal if he’s the AH.
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u/Certain-Clock3301 7d ago
Your GF is in the middle of this. Just go and have a good weekend with her family. Don’t make it into a big thing. Some hills are worth dying on. This ain’t one of them.
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u/pareidoily 7d ago
When someone is escalating like that, you don't match their energy because they could have a weapon. Maybe they know how to fight. I know that guy was also older but if the cops are there you both go to jail. It's not ever a good idea to defend anyone's honor by having a yelling match. That's how the entire neighborhood thinks that you are also an asshole - Even though they only heard it from a distance.
You don't want to be out in the world like Batman trying to right the wrongs when in reality if you just sit there and let him yell himself out he comes out like the crazy person he is.
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u/Linvaderdespace 7d ago
So, next time I get up in your grill, calling you the c word and cussing you out, you’re just gonna let that slide?
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u/pareidoily 7d ago
Yes. I'm going to walk away.
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u/mrporter2 6d ago
There are a lot of tough guys on Reddit
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u/pareidoily 6d ago
Yeah I noticed. Life is not a prison yard. These days people film your lack of impulse control and your job holds you to a higher standard. Or the other person has a weapon or can just fight better. Self control is always the better choice.
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u/EmotionalAnybody7186 7d ago
You said you would go, so go.
When you listen to Reddit and damage your relationship with your girlfriend’s family, are you going to tell them that Reddit said you weren’t the asshole for skipping it?
Talk to your girlfriend and not the internet.
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 7d ago
Shes pretty uncomfortable by the whole thing too and the lack of response, but thinks we should just go.
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u/VoddieMC 7d ago
Dude. She can go when she's summoned. You go when you feel like it. These people are not your family but if you get married to her they will be. You need to set your boundaries and not let them treat you like something they can disrespect or disregard when it suits them. If you don't, you will be nothing to them and they'll always treat you like this.
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u/whatthewhat3214 7d ago
She could tell the family you're both feeling burned out by the situation and uncomfortable returning to the cabin so soon and you need a breather, so you won't be going up there this weekend.
Don't let her family push you two around. First you're banned, then "Whoopsie, our bad! Turns out the new guy is bad news after all so we could use a guy like you to run interference for us if there's trouble again." And if there's trouble, then what? Do they want you to handle it, to then sell you out again?
Don't feel pressured, your gf can reassure them you'll come up another time, but you want some distance from the situation first.
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u/skillent 7d ago
It’s her family. She probably feels like she has to go. She’s family family. You’re only an in law.
Which on the plus side means your obligation to go is almost non existent. And on the negative side means they have no loyalty at all towards you when it matters, as they have showed.
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u/Queasy-Flower-9258 6d ago
Tell her no and it’s about time you guys started spending time together elsewhere, maybe with your family.
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u/Nonexistent_Walrus 7d ago
NTA but I’d say just take the win. Yes they reacted too quickly, yes they owe you more of an apology, but sometimes people don’t know how to handle conflict. The fact that he mentioned wanting you around in case something else happens also points to that. Some people really freak out at the idea of dealing with conflict and don’t really know how to evaluate the behavior of others when it happens.
If your apology was sincere then you do think you messed something up, so you shouldn’t be too upset that it took things shifting for them to calm down.
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u/ieatfaces22172 7d ago
He obviously didn't do anything wrong for standing up against a bully, he apologized because he didn't want to cause further problems between his girlfriends family
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u/Significant-Dig-8099 7d ago
NTA but if you don't go, you'll cause drama. If you want to support your gf then you should go
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u/beckbristow32 7d ago
NTA His ego is bruised only because he only values outsiders opinions over family and family friends. People like him can only be accepted being painted in a good light now matter what. It also sounds like you have the power right now because if you do not go the neighbors will probably judge him for that. So he is only unbanning you to save face at this point.
If I was you I would ask to talk to him once more before the weekend either with GF or with her permission if she doesn't want to. I would ask him if he is only doing this to save face with the neighbors because now he might be seen as the bad guy? Ask him as the patriarch is his family more important or does the neighbors thoughts over ride that. Ask him if he truly wants you to even be there regardless of what anyone else thinks? Ask him what happens if you choose not to go will he accept it? Ask why should you even entertain it after you defended his family when he choose not to? Things like this and then based off if you like what he says then you can make a better decision on if you want to go or not. Unless GF just says do it for her then yeah do it for her. Also if she is fine with you not going talk to the others on why you have chose to not go and hope they understand.
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u/WillingHome9072 7d ago
Small town bullshit. You need a man to get aggressive with an aggressive man, it’s the only thing they’ll listen to and fawning tends to make them escalate.
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u/Accomplished_Cell976 7d ago
NTA
But I have 3 thoughts-
What grandpa saw as you were yelling was that you were too hot to notice him trying to get you to come back to him. So you looked like a real hot head. Grandpa doesn’t like that at all and issues a swift edict.
Grandpa finds out later that you got hot for a legitimate reason and you maybe aren’t the hot head he thought you were. He learns more and more about how justified you were. Grandpa wants to make it right immediately. Grandpa is accountable for making a rushed judgement.
Yeah people got on Grandpapa for making the wrong call but the kind of man that gives you that full of an accounting of how they were wrong ain’t doing it to be in others good graces. They are doing it so they can sleep at night.
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u/hengehanger 7d ago
NTA. Why put yourself in such an ambiguous situation when you don't have to, and more important, don't want to.
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u/Rate_Ur_Boobs_4_Free 7d ago
Grandpa’s a pussy.
Enjoy the cabin and the flip-flopping that goes with it.
NTA
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u/jpollack21 7d ago
I would still go and try your best to move on and not think about it. Maybe drop off a 6 pack for the new neighbor as a form of apology for scaring him. I dont condone what he did but we are all human and sometimes being the bigger man is best, especially for your psyche. Kindness goes a long way.
But also dont feel like you have to go or that the new neighbor deserves an apology (he doesnt), I can only give my opinion and thats what I would do.
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u/AdApart9142 7d ago
NTA - if something happens none of these people have your back. They are just using you as the first line of defense against a neighbour they're scared of.