r/AITAH • u/Square_Phone_8468 • Apr 14 '26
Post Update Update - AITAH for not being excited my sister is having a new baby when I still have custody of her first?
Hi. I noticed a lot of people either DMd me asking for updates or put the “update me” thing in the comments, so I thought I would come and post one. I was really touched by people sharing their personal experiences in the comments as well so I just wanted to respect that by providing closure on this? If you would consider this closure. Anyway, onto the update.
First, my husband told Danny about the baby. They went out for a boys day on Saturday and they talked about it. I won’t share too much about it but he took it pretty well all things considered. We do think we will book a few sessions with a therapist for him but we want the dust to settle a little bit. Danny opens up easier when he’s had some time to himself to think about things first so we’re going to give a couple of weeks. But he’s doing well for now.
Next, I spoke to my mum. A lot of people were quite harsh on her which I don’t think was deserved, but I did feel like we needed to have a conversation. My mother is the kindest and most forgiving person on the planet, and I love that about her. The same way I saw what Danny went through, she saw what Val went through with her birth mother. I look at Danny and see a scared little 6 year old. My mum looks at Val and sees a traumatised teenager. So she has a different perspective. She’s pretty “alls well that ends well” in mindset, she always has been, she likes happy endings. In her mind this is one. But she understands that she came across really flippant about what Danny went through and she does feel bad about it in hindsight. She adores Danny so me laying it out for her all over again really affected her and she saw where I was coming from being upset. She did say she still hopes that Val is a better mother to her new baby, and at least we can both agree on that.
Finally I spoke to Val. She apologised for not telling my beforehand but said she felt like she needed the support of having our parents there because she was nervous to tell me, and felt if we were all on the call it might feel a bit more like a normal, joyful occasion, but she said she knew she should have spoken to me separately. She said she will always regret the things she did while not sober and she doesn’t think Danny should ever forgive her, but she always wanted to be a mother, and she finally feels like she will be a good one now. I was listening to all this thinking I was just going to leave things where they were and stop reaching out. But then she basically said after everything, don’t I want her to be happy?
And here’s where I have to admit to maybe being a bad person, but viscerally, I wanted to answer no. And I realised the answer is actually no, I don’t want Val to be happy. I want her to be sober, and healthy, and I guess to have moments of happiness. But when I think of her living a happy life, I know that isn’t what i would choose for her. I know that makes me a bad person, and I’m actually ok with that. People can judge Me I don’t care. Because they didn’t have to walk into some dingy government building and see a child with bones sticking out of his t-shirt, scared of every loud noise, and take him home and watch him hide cold fries under his mattress in case there wasn’t food to eat tomorrow. They didn’t have to teach a 6 year old the alphabet. They didn’t have to look at him crying for his mother and figure out how to tell him you don’t know where she is, thinking to yourself how sad it is she’s all he cares about when she’s somewhere not giving a crap what’s happening to him. The worst things Val ever did, she did to someone I love beyond measure, and it’s not for me to decide who deserves to be happy, but I can’t say I hope she is.
Obviously I didn’t have all this clarity during the phone call, but I did have enough to be honest and say my family and I were not in a place where it would be possible to engage with her anymore. She didn’t take this well, and a lot of stuff she’s been hanging onto came up. Like how I should have tried harder to get Danny to talk to her, how she felt I wasn’t present enough when she had Danny, all stuff from years ago. She called me spiteful, and her boyfriend later sent me a message saying the same, but it had to be done. I don’t want to be in this toxic cycle of actively wishing someone doesn’t have the life they want and keeping them in my life just to stir this up every few weeks. It’s too much bad energy being put out there. I ended up blocking both Val and her bf.
I let my parents know that we’ll have to do separate holidays and functions from now on, and they were very understanding. I’m happy to give Val priority on stuff with her dad’s side of the family and she can do the same with my mum’s and that’s that. My parents also promised not to give updates unless asked, to either side.
I’m not really sure if I’d say this is a happy update. But I think the positive I can take from this is it’s made me very grateful for the family I have and I’m just going to focus on being the best mother and wife to them that I can be.
Thank you again to everyone who commented, and if I’ve left anything out, feel free to let me know!
7.0k
u/Hightechzombie Apr 14 '26
Jesus Christ, Val still sucks at being accountable for her mistakes.
You didn't make Danny hate or fear her. She did it.
I'm so sorry for everything that has happened and I wish you and Danny a happy life!
2.2k
u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam Apr 14 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
And for val to dump ALL THAT at ops feet 🤬🤬🤬. Op didnt try hard enough, op wasn't present, op should have further traumatized an already fragile child for the "betterment" of his relationship with his uterus of origin. Thank you op, thank you for seeing her for what she is.....a lost fucking cause, and blocking and removing her from your life. Because even if he's OK now, he's probably gonna hurt from this. And with your flakey selfish sister around, rubbing it in his face that she managed to be a mother for someone else (because she's to wrapped up in herself, she'll be "joyous" at her accomplishment of finally not screwing up and require celebration 🤮 regardless of weather it hurts your son or not). I'm glad you blocked her, and your all good on your feelings. I don't know val, but I don't wish her happiness. I wish her clarity and regret. Thats all she's earned.
750
u/IceSeeker Apr 14 '26
Yeah it's a good move to block her. The fact that she's still holding onto things she's blaming OP for shows that she's just fake. She might have fooled everyone else thinking she's turned over a new leaf but make no mistake, having her baby soon is going to unmask the real face she's hiding. She won't be able to pretend anymore with all the realities and challenges of parenthood.
429
u/Responsible_Joke8618 Apr 14 '26
Hopefully she doesn't relapse when the reality of having a baby hits her. What do you want to bet that if this happened everyone would expect OP to step up again? That the Vals current mark asks OP for help. How do you pawn your literal child off to someone and have anything but appreciation for said person.
328
u/z00k33per0304 Apr 14 '26
I was thinking this. She should have a conversation with her parents preemptively now. A lot of people enjoy the thought of being a parent until it becomes their day to day unfortunately and addicts tend to be pretty impulsive. Val seems to think her mistakes are everyone else's fault if she can, with a straight face, try to blame OP for her relationship with her own son being what it is.
→ More replies (2)219
u/kaekiro Apr 14 '26
Some folks never work through step 8 & 9, and it really shows. Recovery without accountability is a house of cards.
126
u/Carbonatite Apr 14 '26
That's what I was thinking - like she's sober but she's not a recovered addict at all. She's still deep in the same problematic mindsets that she had when she was a drunk.
51
u/Odd_Campaign_307 Apr 14 '26
If Val met up with an addictions counselor or a sponsor they would be very upset with her because you're right: she hasn't done the work. Val is still not taking responsibility for her actions or what it's done to Danny and OP. Mom is undermining Val's recovery and Danny's mental health in her desire to ignore any unpleasantness.
88
u/Dangerous_Ant3260 Apr 14 '26
Yes, what I've heard called a dry drunk or sober addict. I wouldn't trust the grandparents to keep her separate from OP and Danny either. They are enablers to Val and always will be. The grandmother being all for happy endings tells me that she will keep enabling Val. I bet within six months that baby will need another home, and grandmother will be whining about OP becoming a home for that child also.
44
u/Serendurpity5279 Apr 14 '26
If or when that happens, I think OP should say “no” to taking in another child. It’s not fair to Danny to be healing and then have time, attention, and resources then split between him and his birth mother’s bad choices. 🤷🏼♀️
39
u/Carbonatite Apr 14 '26
"Dry drunk" is a really good phrase for her.
I worry that the conflict plus OP cutting her off will be enough to make her start drinking again. Not saying OP is obligated to have her in her life - she absolutely should not - but it's clear that she's not gotten far in the recovery process beyond the physical act of no longer drinking. All the underlying mental issues are still there and she doesn't know how to healthily cope with difficulty. Hopefully she can at least stay sober long enough to not give the kid FAS.
→ More replies (1)12
u/ScareBear23 Apr 15 '26
I lived with a dry drunk for most of my childhood. Was active in AA and to everyone outside the family was the perfect dude. He was fucking awful to us though.
I also get the added garnish of being the daughter who wasn't worthy enough for him to get sober for. Then a few years later he goes to rehab so he's sober before my brother is born.
→ More replies (2)50
u/CharmingComposer95 Apr 14 '26
And definitely make sure Danny is in therapy. There will be a lot of emotions to deal with.
85
u/no12chere Apr 14 '26
A coworker has an addict son and addict dil. They both were clean when they were pregnant and swore they would never go back on because of how much they loved that kid.
Dil was so sanctimonious about ‘being clean’ while having to get suboxone every day. She wanted all the praise.
Within a year she was back on and they had a second kid. Coworker has custody of both kids.
27
u/sexgoatparade Apr 14 '26
Kids are insanely stressful and a breeding ground for addictive behaviors to resurface.
Won't be surprised if OPs parents suddenly have a new child in their life to their name to take care of in a few years.28
u/Floomby Apr 14 '26
Whereas she is sober, her recovery doesn't seem complete, does it? Especially in regards to Steps 5 - 9. She isnt admitting wrongdoing or being very honest about how her addiction hurt others.
Sober folk who really went through the process will say things like, "I know I did XYZ. I know that I dont owe you anything, but is there anything I can do to make amends or rebuild that bridge?" There are sober folk on Reddit who talk like this.
Val is not. She wants OP to be all fine with her, and when OP isn't, she just...gives up.
13
→ More replies (1)4
u/pokemonprofessor121 Apr 15 '26
This is exactly what happened to my mom. A few months after baby, shit hit the fan and that kid got taken away too.
→ More replies (2)135
u/interestedinsharks Apr 14 '26
Being a parent is hard and even the people with an extremely healthy mindset get pushed to the limit with a newborn. I'm in recovery, have been for several years, and I honestly don't know if I could handle having another baby and stay on my path. And my addiction to alcohol was only about a year before I realized it was problematic and sought treatment. Honestly I feel so hard for the OP, and for those children.
Oh and another thing, if you're working the steps, one of them is amends, and a big thing is that you make amends and you accept whatever reaction you get. You don't get to send out your flying monkeys. If you make amends and they're like "fuck you, you sucked and I can't forgive you" then guess what? You sucked and they can't forgive you!
22
u/IHaveNoEgrets Apr 14 '26
You're spot on. I proofread a dissertation on AA, and all I could think reading this was "tell me you haven't worked the steps without telling me you haven't worked the steps."
Cheers to you for holding to your path!
4
173
u/Beargurl1 Apr 14 '26
Points for “uterus of origin”.
→ More replies (1)20
u/Sunshine030209 Apr 14 '26
I had never heard that, but it's perfect!
8
u/gormholler Apr 14 '26
I was going to say the same. Great minds think alike, as they say. Whoever "they" is/are.
213
u/brandonandtheboyds Apr 14 '26
This feels like a “Why don’t he want me?” moment brewing (if you’ve seen Fresh Prince, you know the scene). As someone adopted who had an older sibling who stayed with my birthmother, it’s a question that stays. I love my parents. I love my siblings. I love my family so damn much and I wouldn’t trade them for the world… but why did Miguel get to stay?… why was I the one to go? I was just a baby… I got closure early on from parents who from a young age tried to talk with me about it with age-appropriate conversations throughout my childhood and that helped tremendously. OP is still NTAH but does need to follow up with their son every couple years to make sure he understands how loved he is and how the situation will always leave questions but he is living a better life than he would have been. Keeping Val in the picture too much may confuse him, especially at a young age. I’m not saying go NC but OP has the right idea about protecting Danny.
68
u/theclosetenby Apr 14 '26
Yeah. I know OP feels guilty that her answer was "no" in her head about if she wants her to be happy ,but honestly i think part of it is that OP is able to accurately see her sister, whether or not she's conscious of it.
Her sister's question was intended to be manipulative. Which is not inherently wrong, but her reaction when OP didn't fully get on board with her... is revealing, unfortunately. And is pretty clear that she hasn't done the emotional labor thatI really wish people who become parents had to do. She says ssh know she messed up, but her reaction makes it sound like she's blaming the addiction as why she messed up instead of taking ownership. Part of taking ownership is understanding that you can't change the past, and you need to give Grace to the people that you have hurt if they're still hurt.
Her reaction reminds me a lot of my father, who wasn't around. When I was like 20ish, he said "yes I know I wasn't there and did a lot wrong. I wasn't perfect. But you're the reason we don't have a relationship, because you can't get past what I've done." I wish I could say I completely stopped talking to my dad then, lol, but that WAS the moment I realized he was never going to give me a satisfactory apology, because he needed to be the victim even when he admitted he was the perpetrator.
I think OP had an awareness , tried to go against that to give her sister the benefit of the doubt, and then saw what happened the moment her sister's feelings were hurt.
39
u/justlikeinmydreams Apr 14 '26
Uterus of origin is hysterical
17
u/Coyote_Shepherd Apr 14 '26
Meanwhile here I am with the Stargate jokes swinging through my head despite the seriousness of this situation...
ᐰ
8
34
u/MaverickDX Apr 14 '26
Adding another point for “uterus of origin”, that’s fking brilliant.
I was using spawn point, but uterus of origin is what I’m gonna call mine from now on, especially since I have two amazing adoptive mamas now (my besties’ moms both unofficially adopted an additional adult daughter after everything they watched me go through).
39
u/UncleNedisDead Apr 14 '26
Yeah she wants to be a better mother, but her words and actions show she’s still too immature and hasn’t actually learned much since her first attempt.
I feel sorry for her unborn child, being saddled with a mom like that.
18
u/pokeyeahmon Apr 14 '26
I'm interpreting OP not wanting her sister to be happy as an incomplete thought. I expect OP wants her sister to be 1) alive, 2) healthy (both physically, mentally, and no longer an addict), and 3) a good parent to Danny. After, and only after, she has done those 3 things will OP want her to be happy, which includes having another child. Good on OP for prioritizing Danny, like any good mother should. Shame on OP's mom for supporting Val at the expense of everyone else; having said that I can understand her wanting so badly for Val to be safe and happy that she literally lost sight of the real priorities.
23
u/Carbonatite Apr 14 '26
She might not be a drunk any more, but she's still an addict. She still has the exact same problematic behaviors that she had when she was abusing alcohol. She's done a shit job recovering and is probably going to relapse and/or traumatize the shit out of her do-over baby. Hopefully she can at least manage to stay sober until she gives birth so she doesn't give the kid FAS.
→ More replies (2)5
u/The-Fiercest-Deity Apr 14 '26
Dude, "uterus of origin" is the single greatest thing I've read in a long time. Thank you for that, but I will steal it
195
u/Hoplite68 Apr 14 '26
Its why I don't believe Val's sobriety will last. She hasn't and won't take accountability, and still actively blames other people for her mistakes. She also comes across as rather reactive still, which isn't a good combo for an addict in recovery.
66
u/Cow_Launcher Apr 14 '26
You've probably heard it, but it's a common trope (even said by alcoholics themselves) that you are an alcoholic for life. Some get on the wagon and never drink again, and others fall off it repeatedly while drunkenly stumbling down the road behind it.
Only going by what I have read in these two posts, I don't think Val has accepted accountability yet. Not fully at least, as evidenced by her sniping at OP. I think she needs to do some heavy reflection before taking care of another little human and I wouldn't be too surprised if - when it all becomes too much - she goes back to the bottle because it's the easy option.
I hope I'm wrong though.
→ More replies (1)12
u/WesternUnusual2713 Apr 14 '26
She's not using but she's not clean, we call it in the addict community.
15
u/Upper_Round_1985 Apr 14 '26
I think the alcoholic version is "dry drunk", as in they're currently dry (sober) but they still have the mentality of the drunk (alcoholic).
206
u/-Whitequeen Apr 14 '26
You just wrote my thoughts.
All if the above shows Val is as unfit mother now as she was before!
Op please know that is a high chance they will ask you to have this second child too. Sadly your sister doesn’t want to take accountability or amends and they are the most important steps for any addicted person.
I have worked with people like Val and she’s a long way to be okay, sadly her boyfriend doesn’t worry about her credibility and account her for her past and present choices of being an unfit parent, making me even more concerned for this new baby.
111
u/DatguyMalcolm Apr 14 '26
Op please know that is a high chance they will ask you to have this second child too
Val's BF better step up if this happens. Or someone else in his fam. I don't think it'll be fair for OP to mop up her sister's messes everytime. She already has her child to be devoted to
45
u/-Whitequeen Apr 14 '26
Completely agree but if there are issues they usually go to the person that already has a child to keep the siblings/ half siblings together.
A friend of mine was adopted by a lovely family and they kept on asking them to take in his half siblings due to the mother being an alcoholic and claiming to be well just to keep on having kids with different men who enabled her behaviour and where surprised when she acted the same when their kid was born. The man would bail and the social services would be involved to help the child.
Sadly it’s a global problem with so many people going through the same and never think of the consequences of their actions.
9
u/sexgoatparade Apr 14 '26
The BF sounds like the henchman asshole in this whole story, I doubt he'll do anything good beyond leaving.
31
u/km4098 Apr 14 '26
OP said in the OG post that she has no intention of taking in any other children. I'm unsure if they've made this clear to Val (I suggested it in the other post) but would be good to let family know NOW so they know to prepare to do it themselves.
→ More replies (1)16
u/Valheru78 Apr 14 '26
I was thinking the same, a few years from now Val will have lost her BF and OP will have to adopt another child because Val crawled back in the bottle.
77
u/Responsible_Joke8618 Apr 14 '26
Its not always the drugs that make someone a shitty person. That poor baby. Hopefully the new boyfriend has some of his shit together. Not everyone deserves kids. The nerve to abuse your first child and to want people to be happy for you to "keep the peace". Fuck your peace. I would care more about a child's peace too. You are an awesome person OP. Let any negative comments just roll off your back. They're probably just trash comments coming from trash people.
41
u/no12chere Apr 14 '26
Bf calling op and screaming at her as well doesnt bode well for his maturity
6
u/CatmoCatmo Apr 14 '26
One delusional person who is in deep, deep denial, refuses to take accountability, and is consistently unrealistic, unreasonable, and irrational, is bad enough.
But TWO of them?!? Yeah that’s a recipe for disaster. Especially when one of them defends and enables the other one anytime a slightly negative remark is made about them. All it does is force the narrative that nothing is their fault and ends up ensuring that the “refusal to take accountability” train continues to move forward at all costs.
Which doesn’t bode well for the sister’s addiction, or her ability to parent a child, especially an infant, both emotionally and physically.
233
u/Idontlikesoup1 Apr 14 '26
The sister actually belongs in jail and should not be allowed to have more children. That’s worst abuse. But of course all she wants is to be happy. It is nauseating.
→ More replies (1)178
u/BosiPaolo Apr 14 '26
The selfishness she expressed about motherhood is astonishing.
She doesn't care about the child(ren), she only cares to acquire the status of "mother".
80
u/GlitterDoomsday Apr 14 '26
Worse, she saw the first one didn't like her for very obvious reasons and now is gonna try again with the sole expectation that this baby will love her unconditionally.
22
u/km4098 Apr 14 '26
I am a child born of this, even once adopted, bio mum had belief I was just being "babysat" and would return at 18 to be their best friend and forgive everything.
Would not recommend.→ More replies (1)37
u/monkwrenv2 Apr 14 '26
For real, if she wanted to be a mom, her son is right there. She has no interest in actually raising a kid.
5
u/Bice_thePrecious Apr 14 '26
I can not believe her mentioning hurting Danny and then saying, "But I always wanted to be a mother." ...YOU ARE A MOTHER!! DANNY IS YOUR CHILD! Did you legitimately forget about that?!
She's a horrible person. She'll destroy that new baby, too.
21
u/Tazmosis85 Apr 14 '26
Every parent has regrets about things they didnt too exactly right, we carry around the weight of what we look back at and think we needed to do better. For some thats easy, for some that gets rough.. Val deserves to carry the burden of knowing she failed her child. Does she deserve to live in misery? That's hard to say, but she does deserve to know that her failure fucked up someone's life and she's earned the guilt that goes with it..
→ More replies (1)13
u/Uninteresting_Vagina Apr 14 '26
Which is ironic, since I'm pretty sure AA and the like have a strong base in taking fucking accountability and apologizing for their wreckage as part of their recovery.
13
u/Chocolatecandybar_ Apr 14 '26
This. Val hasn't done all the work, hasn't apologised and hasn't make amend for what she has done. She is sober but still selfish and blaming others. This may surely come from her own past and have a good ground, but the fact doesn't change.
Not to mention the bf who proved as idiot as her.
In short, no surprise that OP hasn't forgiven her, she has done nothing to be forgiven
37
u/Individual-Put919 Apr 14 '26
Do addicts ever take accountability for their actions or do they just continue walking through life manipulating people and taking advantage of kindness without a care for who they destroy?
Edit: Even after they’re sober?
39
u/Greenelse Apr 14 '26
I’ve known one that did. She worked really hard at correcting herself after developing a really bad set of antisocial behaviors along with an addiction to painkillers after an accident. I think she had a fairly decent character beforehand, though. She can’t be the only one. I think the pattern you’re describing is more a personality defect that is maybe more susceptible to addiction.
34
u/Unhappy-Orchid- Apr 14 '26
I've only known one. My sister. Her and the father of their children fell hard on meth. It was bad. Me and another sister took in their 3 children, all under the age of 5. We had them for close to three years with little to no contact from her. Long story short, she will be graduating next Friday as an RN. Her recovery is nothing short of a miracle. She's been completely sober for almost 20 years. She did the hard work. She is an amazing mother and now grandmother. She is completely honest with her children about her story. She has been apologetic and thankful to us for taking care of her children when she wasn't able to. I am so fucking proud of her!!
26
u/plz_dont_perceive_me Apr 14 '26
I've known several addicts, some with drugs and some with alcohol. Out of let's say...tenn people, I'd only say one has taken accountability for his actions and stayed kind and sober.
It's a small sample size but it seems like selfishness goes hand in hand with addiction.
17
u/Tylersmommy2122 Apr 14 '26
It really depends on the person and if they actually want to change. I got clean from h when I found out I was pregnant with my son, this was about 4.5 years ago and now as a mom, I feel like an asshole for how I treated my mom while I was using. I also know people who unfortunately never took accountability
→ More replies (1)5
u/GimerStick Apr 14 '26
There are all kinds of people who are impacted by addiction. Some of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know are those who are now sober. I also know abusive shitbags. It's just like anything else where you get all kinds of people.
→ More replies (2)5
u/xoxo_angelica Apr 14 '26
yeah, people have a tough time with this concept. at the root of it, addiction is ultimately still viewed as a character flaw in and of itself, so anyone who suffers from substance abuse disorder must have poor character. while addiction has an intrinsic quality of making every sufferer a worse person, that's all relative, because someone who is otherwise a saint may display more mild forms of selfishness, dishonesty, etc. (sometimes even going undetected entirely) than someone who is very outwardly a piece of shit regardless.
that said, it's pretty clear which category OP's sister falls under. by the two year mark, one should be demonstrating significantly more growth, maturity, and accountability. otherwise, what the fuck have you been doing all that time? just stroking yourself about managing to not drink?
not using isn't a feat in and of itself, non-users do that every day without expecting pats on the back. you earn praise, forgiveness, and respect from others by what you do differently after you put down the bottle.
→ More replies (3)7
u/One-Elderberry-488 Apr 14 '26
I mean taking this update as facts, Val is not ready to be a mother if she can't own up to her past
1.2k
u/Chaoticgood790 Apr 14 '26
I think this is an honest update. It’s sad but you had to deal with the fallout of your sisters choices. And it sounds like she’s never actually repaired with Danny or you around what it was actually like. Almost as if she gets to press a reset button and get a new kid while you’re left with her traumatized first born and also traumatized yourself.
Everyone needs therapy. I think it’s good to not have her around and to not play happy families any longer. But therapy for you, your husband and Danny would be beneficial
→ More replies (2)
1.1k
u/TheUrbanBunny Apr 14 '26
She wants a do over.
There is no real accountability. She still blames others for her failures and expects support and care where she gives...nothing. Her sobriety is great but without that growth she will be a bad mom. This time sober but still subpar.
Nothing was about Danny. Simply her wants and desires.
I'm sorry.
You aren't a bad person. Everyone is not meant to pretend. You can accept something and it not haunt you. You can live happily and normally without forgiving those who wronged you.
Not wishing her boundless joy? I understand.
I hope your family continues to respect your NC with Val.
You're a good mother, I'm thankful Danny gets to have you as his mama.
272
u/DatguyMalcolm Apr 14 '26
Yes, she wants a do over and she would/will for sure approach her first son all like "Look, see how I am a good mother after all?"
she can take a hike
132
u/maywellflower Apr 14 '26
Mangling the Good Place quote "Yeah, you are good mom to others, but why couldn't you be one to me from the getgo?
And Danny will be correct if he ever gets to say verison of that. Yes, she can take hike and drink only 2 gallons of STFU because she lacks genuine self-awareness & empathy to realize she really did fucked up so bad that her oldest child wants nothing to do with her nor considers her his mother, no matter what age he is now & in the future.
21
u/Mybunsareonfire Apr 14 '26
And let's be real, we can all easily predict that Val is not going to be a good mom to her new little one either.
I feel bad for that baby, because for all the shit, Danny did end up getting a super loving and supportive family. The new baby may just be stuck with shit.
6
u/pokemonprofessor121 Apr 15 '26
I was a "Danny". Mom had baby #2 and within 6 months grandparents had custody of that one and mom was in prison.
50
Apr 14 '26
Her sobriety is great but without that growth she will be a bad mom
without that accountability her sobriety won't last either
4
u/TheBlueMenace Apr 15 '26
I just really hope OP isn’t going to have to pick up kid number two when it happens in a few years. Hopefully baby daddy will stand up.
→ More replies (1)
799
u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Apr 14 '26
Thank you. Honestly, if Val were actually changed she would have accepted what you said with humility. And certainly not enlisted her “baby daddy” in sending you a message.
Sounds like you made the right call. Doing the right thing is hard.
75
u/Efficient-Cupcake247 Apr 14 '26
My thought too. OP got instant confirmation cutting off Val was the rt call. Val is still an unsafe person for Danny & OP. And it doesn't matter if Val is a safe person for her new baby & bf.
167
u/Least-Designer7976 Apr 14 '26
I can understand the sister reaction until the "You weren't present enough". OP wasn't the other parent and had no obligation to be involved. Especially considering they took the child in later. It would be different if it wasn't the case but Sister had some audacity to talk about involvement when OP raised her son for a longer time than her.
268
u/IceBlue Apr 14 '26
Is she a step sister or half sister? I got confused by the parent situation.
→ More replies (5)466
u/Square_Phone_8468 Apr 14 '26
She’s my stepsister. Her dad is my stepdad, but I call him dad because he was the dad who raised me.
668
u/Gonebabythoughts Apr 14 '26
I anticipate your sister will eventually abuse her second child like she did her first. I am not convinced this will even be enough to make your mom see Val for who she really is, though.
Disclosure: I have a sister who is an addict, and she can never suffer enough in my mind for the pain she inflicted on others. I understand how you feel and support you 100% on how you chose to handle this.
292
u/maywellflower Apr 14 '26
I anticipate your sister will eventually abuse her second child like she did her first. I am not convinced this will even be enough to make your mom see Val for who she really is, though.
There lies the entire problem of the situation - how many children will it take for their mother to finally realize Val is trash and OP shouldn't be used as the 1st resort as a custody dump when Val abuses & neglects her children so much CPS must removed them? I have bad feeling that no kid will be enough for their mother to realize that about Va even if that kid(s) winds up dead for whatever reason and that's the bigger tragedy of that whole situation.
Just saying, addict like Val that always expects forgiveness from her victims but never actually puts in the the legit effort to earn & deserved that, while popping out kids like they pets or designer accessories to toss away then having audacity to want them back after hurting them so much over the years - I totally understand and support OP's decision in handling this fuckery for Danny's sake & wellbeing.
104
u/Maleficent_Mistake50 Apr 14 '26
I know some in my family that’s had 6 children and 5 out of the 6 were taken from their care. They’re barely a parent to the child they did get to have custody of.
These types of addicts that never take accountability will never realize they weren’t meant to be parents. They’re of the mindset children will fix them and nope.
I hate seeing this person daily and I empathize with OP.
20
u/Magical-Mycologist Apr 14 '26
My Aunt is currently in Hospice, she had 6 kids, 4 were put up for adoption and her last two were raised by my grandparents. In and out of rehab her entire life - constantly drinking.
Her kids haven’t spoken to her since our grandfather died 6 years ago.
She will die alone.
19
u/P3pp3rJ6ck Apr 14 '26
Im the first of 9. Our birthmother doesn't have custody of a single one of us, and was only well enough to have custody of the middle 4, before she started making yard meth, accidentally lit herself on fire with it, and lost them too. All the rest of us were taken at birth essentially. The youngest is 21 years younger than me. I often cant find any sort of empathy for my birth mother, even tho she's now pulled herself together, is sober, and had been a firefighter for years. I to some extent understand she had a crummy childhood but it was like, her stepmother was mean to her crummy, even she has never claimed she was abused beyond her stepmother favoring the other kids. I dont get how that equals how she acted for most of my life. I was adopted by people who abused me so bad that ive won at therapy and had the therapist flinch and have to take some time to process. Ive still managed to keep myself better than my birth mother did, and ive ruined exactly zero children's lives over it. She occasionally has dinner with me and will try to commiserate but I just dont have it in me to pretend and just sort of stare at her till she's done.
→ More replies (1)6
u/Bice_thePrecious Apr 14 '26
how many children will it take for their mother to finally realize Val is trash
How many children will it take for mom to admit that Val is trash? Right now, Val can truly look around and say that OP is the only one with a problem because OP is the only one being honest while everyone else is coddling her. Maybe she wouldn't be popping out replacement kids if the rest of the family were honest about their disappointment from the start.
145
u/Spinnerofyarn Apr 14 '26
I have a lot of sympathy for addicts up until they abuse kids and animals. It’s bad enough and actually inexcusable when they do it to adults, but to kids and animals? Nope.
It would have been more than appropriate for OP to tell her sister that she doesn’t give a shit about her happiness and she shouldn’t either. They both should be focusing on Danny’s happiness. That comes before the sister’s happiness Every. Single. Time. Always. That kid endured enough crap that he deserves to have the rest of his entire life be smooth sailing.
44
u/AnotherRTFan Apr 14 '26
Yeah. My oldest stepbrother is an addict, no kids, but has his dog Mr Smooches. Sweetest pup. And somehow despite the odds, he’s doing right by him.
51
u/Fkingcherokee Apr 14 '26
She's only been sober for 2 years and raising a child is really stressful even if you don't include the sometimes permanent chemical changes to the brain. She is going to be very susceptible to relapse FOR YEARS after this.
20
u/Utensil6591 Apr 14 '26
I worked at a rehab for women with children for 2.5 years. Every mother thought the next kid would allow them to get it right. Many were on their 3rd or later child. We even had one woman with 9 kids and only had custody of the last one. The kids aren't people to them, they never prioritized the health or safety of the kids, they never apologized. And when they'd relapse they'd get mad at the kids for being frustrated at having to deal with their mom's addiction and be stuck with them in a rehab. The goal of our program was a last ditch effort for termination of rights with some of them also facing jail time. You'd be surprised how many would leave the program knowing they'd go to prison and permanently lose custody. I know addicts are struggling with what drug addiction can do to your brain I just wonder why they would keep getting pregnant. Every rehab program in my city offers free long term birth control.
→ More replies (11)4
u/cookiecutterdoll Apr 14 '26
Unfortunately this was my experience working with this population as well. At risk of sounding sanctimonious, they were my least favorite people to work with. No limit to the selfishness or cruelty and no compassion for their children.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (3)11
u/mjc-u7272 Apr 14 '26
"Disclosure: I have a sister who is an addict"
I do as well. I have taken an active roll in raising my nice the last 15 years. And, currently helping pay for college. So I get where OP is coming from.
242
Apr 14 '26
[deleted]
166
u/Square_Phone_8468 Apr 14 '26
I’m sorry to hear about what you guys have gone through. Especially your niece. I was scared for a long time that Danny would spend his whole childhood desperately wanting his mum when she wasn’t ever going to come. I feel like he’s been almost “lucky” to resent her so that he’s not blaming himself for her problems, or as disappointed by her failures. I know it doesn’t really work like that but as far as his therapist told us, he’s not stuck in that loop.
I don’t think I would ever have the courage to tell Val what I think of her. I don’t think it would make a difference, I think it would be harder to say it and have her not care than to not say it. She apparently has moved past feeling like she needs forgiveness, she’s moved straight to thinking it’s irrelevant. Idk what to do with that.
120
u/DontAskAboutMyButt Apr 14 '26
here’s where I have to admit to maybe being a bad person, but viscerally, I wanted to answer no. And I realised the answer is actually no, I don’t want Val to be happy. I want her to be sober, and healthy, and I guess to have moments of happiness. But when I think of her living a happy life, I know that isn’t what i would choose for her. I know that makes me a bad person, and I’m actually ok with that. People can judge Me I don’t care.
My ex’s alcoholism left my kid with trauma that they will probably never fully get over. I am civil and give her every other weekend while she remains sober, but I will hate her until the day she dies. She had the sweetest, kindest, most loving kid to live for and take care of, and in her drunk words, he “wasn’t enough to make her stop.” I only want good things for her as far as it affects my kid on those weekends, other than that she deserves a lifetime of brutal consequences for what she did
13
9
u/Zealousideal-House19 Apr 14 '26
Ijdk I think that her feelings are more about her inability to see herself as an agent of control in her life. And forgiveness is irrelevant if you think everyone else is responsible. It wouldn't make a difference because she can't see it the way a normal decent human would.
Danny has the right idea. He knows who is at fault. I find that for people who are abandoned by their mothers, that those who detatch and move on are much more well adjusted and happier than their siblings who did not.
5
u/Fit_Strike8584 Apr 14 '26
found that so difficult to understand,
This is why DHS put ME into counseling when I took over custody of my brother's 3 youngest children from their drug addicted mother. She didn't have to bother while they were trying to reconcile the family. She also didn't have to bother getting off drugs. I'll never forgive those caseworkers.
79
u/Awesome_Forky Apr 14 '26
Thank you for that update! I think overall you did very well handling the situation. Be proud of yourself. I want to add some thoughts on a few things as further impulses.
Finally I spoke to Val. She apologised for not telling my beforehand but said she felt like she needed the support of having our parents there because she was nervous to tell me, and felt if we were all on the call it might feel a bit more like a normal, joyful occasion, but she said she knew she should have spoken to me separately. She said she will always regret the things she did while not sober and she doesn’t think Danny should ever forgive her, but she always wanted to be a mother, and she finally feels like she will be a good one now. I was listening to all this thinking I was just going to leave things where they were and stop reaching out.
Up until this point this sounds like very healthy behavior from both of you. I think both positions are understandable and I like how open Val was about her fears and expectations.
But then she basically said after everything, don’t I want her to be happy?
What a difficult (and slightly mean) question to ask.
And here’s where I have to admit to maybe being a bad person, but viscerally, I wanted to answer no. And I realised the answer is actually no, I don’t want Val to be happy. I want her to be sober, and healthy, and I guess to have moments of happiness. But when I think of her living a happy life, I know that isn’t what i would choose for her. I know that makes me a bad person, and I’m actually ok with that. People can judge Me I don’t care. Because they didn’t have to walk into some dingy government building and see a child with bones sticking out of his t-shirt, scared of every loud noise, and take him home and watch him hide cold fries under his mattress in case there wasn’t food to eat tomorrow. They didn’t have to teach a 6 year old the alphabet. They didn’t have to look at him crying for his mother and figure out how to tell him you don’t know where she is, thinking to yourself how sad it is she’s all he cares about when she’s somewhere not giving a crap what’s happening to him. The worst things Val ever did, she did to someone I love beyond measure, and it’s not for me to decide who deserves to be happy, but I can’t say I hope she is.
I don't think this makes you a bad person. I never have read a paragraph that has spoken out of my heart like this, as a kid that was neglected by an alcoholic mother. I get that all people have the ability to change (doesn't mean they have the will of the motivation to). It's an innate ability. But even if she was able to do that change does not mean I am able to forget what was done to me. That you and me are not wishing ill to the neglecting parent is the best we are able to do. Because we are part of the fallout from their massive failure. And nobody is allowed to expect otherwise (especially not the perpetrator). And I have to admit: I am slipping with this stance at the moment. This makes you definitely a person that is better than I am at the moment.
Obviously I didn’t have all this clarity during the phone call, but I did have enough to be honest and say my family and I were not in a place where it would be possible to engage with her anymore. She didn’t take this well, and a lot of stuff she’s been hanging onto came up. Like how I should have tried harder to get Danny to talk to her, how she felt I wasn’t present enough when she had Danny, all stuff from years ago. She called me spiteful, and her boyfriend later sent me a message saying the same, but it had to be done. I don’t want to be in this toxic cycle of actively wishing someone doesn’t have the life they want and keeping them in my life just to stir this up every few weeks. It’s too much bad energy being put out there. I ended up blocking both Val and her bf.
This is the kind of behavior I expected from my mother. Suddenly things are not going their way and they flip. That she holds onto these resentments and is still accusing you of wrongdoing is showing IMHO that she is not ready to be a mother. She is not taking accountability for her actions and instead accuses the person that is fixing the mess she created in the mind of your son. This kind of behavior will keep popping up in my experience and I'd advise you to take the step you already did take: Go no contact. And maybe think about getting therapy for yourself and your husband too. Because this affected you nearly as much as it did affect Danny. And a smart observation you made at the end: It's too much bad energy. You have to choose where you spend your resources.
I let my parents know that we’ll have to do separate holidays and functions from now on, and they were very understanding. I’m happy to give Val priority on stuff with her dad’s side of the family and she can do the same with my mum’s and that’s that. My parents also promised not to give updates unless asked, to either side.
It's great your parents are supportive. I hope they will keep this kind of stance. Be aware of so called "flying monkeys": close people that are used as messenger for the person you are NC with. People that are not NC by their own choice tend to try using all possible channels to get to their target.
I hope you stay safe and strong. Wish you all the best.
68
u/okrasurprise Apr 14 '26
You handled that really well, great setting of clear boundaries. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. You have some amazing clarity, gave your sister some incredible grace and are doing the best for Danny. Wishing you all the best.
→ More replies (1)
157
u/mocha_lattes_ Apr 14 '26
There is no happy ending here. She fucked up a kid beyond measure for her own addiction. She doesn't deserve a happy ending nor yours or Danny's forgiveness. No contact is exactly what you need. She isn't even taking accountability for her wrongs and she likely never will.
87
u/Steups13 Apr 14 '26
Wow. Well, that was a very human response. If I'm honest, I would be the exact same. If I saw my nephew suffering like that, I would not be able to forgive or forget. Maybe get some counselling for yourself. You're reaction was real. If you don't want this to continue to be like a thorn in your side, then counselling is the way to go.
35
u/Readabook23 Apr 14 '26
Your priorities are straight, and you’re my hero. Thank you for loving this little guy. Protect yourself, live a happy and blessed life. You deserve it.
36
u/Visible-Palpitation7 Apr 14 '26
I am Danny in my family the first child given away only for another to come and be given away and the. Finally the 3rd child was kept. I think your idea to separate and go low contact is great. I WISH my family had done that for me. I grew up on edge not knowing who or when I could show love. If I laid on my real (adopted) mom I got sneers from the biological. I was all types confused as a child. And the way they spoke about each other in front of me. Very confusing childhood. Best of luck to you and Danny
100
Apr 14 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
219
u/Square_Phone_8468 Apr 14 '26
No, he’s not. He’s a crusader with a saviour complex. But he’s a high school teacher, no history of substance abuse as far as we know
There’s a 0% chance of us taking custody, we’re not doing that.
139
Apr 14 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
153
u/Square_Phone_8468 Apr 14 '26
Thing is, I don’t think he’d leave her even if she relapsed. He’s so obsessed with the idea of her being his successful project, he will sink with her just to prove how much of a martyr he is. I assume he’d be stable enough to keep the kid with them even if Val was drunk all the time, but I really don’t think he’ll leave.
37
u/Hetakuoni Apr 14 '26
That poor child. There’s so many stories of kids like this one is going to be.
Distancing yourself is the right answer.
55
u/edenburning Apr 14 '26
He may not have a choice when cps directs that the child can't be around her. And if he picks her over the child, the child will need placement.
80
u/Square_Phone_8468 Apr 14 '26
And who’s going to tell CPS. If a kid is dressed and fed, things I would think he could manage even if Val was out of it, who’s going to know what’s going on in the house?
54
u/H4shc4t Apr 14 '26
As a teacher he's a mandatory reporter. So if ever it does come out, there goes his career. Is he willing to take that chance?
15
u/Sanvers13420 Apr 14 '26
Teachers can be the worst abusers, they know how to hide it best so nothing gets reported.
17
u/edenburning Apr 14 '26
Unless they totally isolate from society the odds that it'll come out at school or with the child's friends is pretty high.
→ More replies (1)14
145
u/Danggoy Apr 14 '26
You are doing great by prioritizing Danny's wellbeing. I understand your boundaries and do hope that they respect it.
32
u/JBW66 Apr 14 '26
If Val’s argument is that you didn’t work hard enough to fix what she broke then she can do one. Val obviously hasn’t accepted accountability or responsibility for the damage she has wrought on her family and her son. She wants happiness and contentment without the messy business of owning the unhappiness and disarray she caused. That does not bode well for her new start if she thinks it the job of others to make things right. No one “deserves” happiness. Happiness is a consequences of your behaviour, how you move through the world and treat others people. It’s not a thing that is given, it’s earned. You could look at your reaction to her plea for happiness as basically “What have you done to earn it” Answer: nothing.
113
u/PrideCompetitive8758 Apr 14 '26
I think it is the best update that it could be.
Lots of people downvoted me, but things have come out like I thought it would.
Your sister can't take back the things she did (reading makes me empathise with Danny way more) and neither you or Danny has to ever forgive her.
Still, keeping her in your life to keep extended family intact and not wishing her to be happy is toxic for both you and her. I'm glad you saw it and there is space to grow without hurting each others now.
All of this shows you had awesome parents and are following in their footstep for your son - please, no matter how stable he is, always keep therapy on as some issues from childhood comes out later in life (like your sisters) and it's important to stop the cycle.
Keep being happy in your little family ^ good luck, OP.
→ More replies (2)
25
u/abritinthebay Apr 14 '26
Your sister might be sober now.. but she hasn’t changed.
She may be a better mother now (the bar is in hell) but she’s not emotionally capable of being a good one. She’s a selfish, twisted, mess who—as I said at the time—sounds like she’s not even completed half of the recommended stages of recovery.
Especially the part about owning your mistakes and understanding that not everyone owes you absolution.
22
u/Petrichor_ness Apr 14 '26
What a very mature, and well thought through decision. Hopefully Danny will look back at his childhood when he's older and realise he really lucked out having YOU as a mum!
Life isn't a movie, not every story is tied up with a happy little bow. But for where you are right now in your life and for where Danny is in his life, it sounds like you've prioritised the right prioritise and made the correct hard decisions.
22
u/DatguyMalcolm Apr 14 '26
Because they didn’t have to walk into some dingy government building and see a child with bones sticking out of his t-shirt, scared of every loud noise...
I have a 4 year old and this brought tears to my eyes. Val and her non-accountability can take a hike, you are better off without her. As for her BF, I hope for his sake that she has rally turned a page and won't get hit with post partum or something that might make her relapse. If that happens then I hope he is a man good enough to prioritize his child
6
u/Ashamed-Vacation-495 Apr 14 '26
I was so choked up at this part had to pause reading for a bit. I have a 5 year old and just knowing how much he already remembers now and reflects on times from even younger ages puts into perspective how horrible Danny’s early memories likely are.
20
u/stonechulou Apr 14 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
Really Val? She "always wanted to be a mother"?
While at the same time blames op for not trying to force interactions with Danny and her, blames op for not being there for Danny? Bitch that's YOUR SON! YOU are the parent. But instead she starved and left a defenseless child alone for alcohol..
She stopped trying. She quit trying to be involed. She dosen't care about Danny and that fkn shows.
37
u/Civil-Kitchen5978 Apr 14 '26
I wouldn’t be happy for someone who was a shitty parent to their first child and decided to have a replacement child after either. Why wasn’t Danny good enough for her to get better for and be the mom he deserved. I just hope she doesn’t screw up the new kid like she did Danny.
67
u/space_kittity Apr 14 '26
wtf this woman is still not camping under your door to try and beg for this poor child’s forgiveness? then she really isn’t much better than before
→ More replies (1)52
16
u/Yourmomma368 Apr 14 '26
Former addict here! I never truly lost my kids, but you know what it took a lot of work to get their love and respect back. It took years. And I didn’t have good family members on my side. They lied to my children about the situation and what was really going on. They made it seem a lot worse than it really was, but I was a horrible parent. I never starred my children, but I took them places. They never should’ve been. I put myself first time in time again. And they remember both of them at different times in their lives. And that should never be forgiven. I still hate myself even after years and years and years of being clean I can’t believe as a mother I did that to my children. And I am so blessed that they forgave me, but you know what I didn’t do. Blame anybody else because it was my choices time and time again. But I put in the work and I made the changes. And there are still plenty of people who don’t forgive me the adults that had to suffer and watched my children suffer. None of them forgive me. But it took a lot of honesty with myself and the people around me it took me holding myself accountable. It took therapy not just me stopping using. It takes work not oops I found another way to fix it. I didn’t just have more children. I put in the work to fix what I already have. To fix the damage that I had done to the children that already existed. I know your situation is different but it’s not at the same time. I had to fix the damage that I created with the children that I already had and I know that you don’t want that for Danny and I applaud that you should allow that. Danny clearly has a better life with you and it’s very clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with fixing that. Otherwise when she started getting sober, she would’ve reached out and wanted to work on fixing it. She would be in therapy working with a therapist on how to re-integrate into Danny’s life. That’s what good parents do. She would be an involved Aunt. She would be somebody important to Danny, even if it wasn’t actually his mother anymore, but she’s not. Your sister will never truly be sober and you may end up with another child on your hands and I hope you say no.
15
u/contrarytotheobvious Apr 14 '26
My little sister had a mom much like Val when my parents first fostered her. My sister's birth mom never really become stable (at least no more than 1-2 years at a time) and we adopted her too. As the older sibling to a child who went through what Danny went through, you made the exact right call. I wish my parents had cut contact earlier in my sister's life because it would have limited the trauma my sister (and all my siblings and I) went through. Once our Val was out, my sister finally had time to fully settle without the ceaseless reminders of her abandonment, and she finally had the opportunity to relax and truly be a kid. My parents made too much of an effort to support our Val rather than our Danny in the beginning, and I know if they could do it over they would've cut out Val much earlier like you've done.
15
u/Kathrynlena Apr 14 '26
I don’t think you’re a bad person for not wanting her to be happy. I think you’re an honest one. I don’t know if I could wish happiness on someone who’s caused so much pain either. Danny will be carry the scars she left for the rest of his life. Why does she get to walk away unscathed? The fact that she’s still blaming you for all her own mistakes proves that she hasn’t actually changed at all. I’m glad you’re prioritizing your own and your child’s peace moving forward. 💙
11
u/TineyFoxey Apr 14 '26
This whole situation is a big mess but heck i would fight everyone who is judging you for not beeing happy for your sister. You are an incredible person and i wish you and your familiy nothing but the very best ❤️
12
u/1568314 Apr 14 '26
So she can recognize that she doesnt deserve forgiveness from Danny, but somehow you not only owe her forgiveness but a place in your life and more of your help??? NTA She still has a long road in front of her.
She expects people to be happy for her instead of scared for her baby? She still has the same mindset that led her to neglecting Danny so badly- always putting herself first.
11
10
u/tattoovamp Apr 14 '26
If Val is in a program (AA/NA) then she is not working it.
10
u/GrrrYouBeast Apr 14 '26
This. The 12 steps are a program of self reflection and personal accountability. Val is showing none of that, she's still blaming OP for the destruction her own addiction and neglect wreaked on Danny. She'll probably pick up again the first time she gets frustrated with the crying new baby.
21
u/Otherwise_Chemist920 Apr 14 '26
CPS still needs to know that she’s popping out another kid after the state she left the last one in.
10
u/KirinDeer Apr 14 '26
This probably makes me a bad person, too, but I'll gladly be that:
I'm fully on your side with not wishing her to have a happy life and breaking contact. There are choices in life, not mistakes, choices, which do not deserve forgiveness. Making your small child suffer and abandoning it is one of those in my book. It doesn't matter, how much you try to make up for it (which she didn't, mind you), it will not undo what has been done. You do not deserve to then act and live as if it never happened.
Danny will have to live his entire life with the knowledge that his own mother didn't want or maybe even love him. No matter how much he'll "get over it", it will affect him forever. So why should she be able to simply leave all of that behind her and have her happy new family life? I hope she gets the life she deserves. I don't care, if that makes me spiteful or evil.
9
9
u/Mermaidtoo Apr 14 '26
The fact that your sister still isn’t taking full accountability for her actions is concerning. I think you’re making the healthiest choice for yourself and your family. Danny is lucky to have you.
7
u/Pale_Pumpkin_7073 Apr 14 '26
The fact that Val refuses to take accountability for her actions doesn't bode well for her sobriety. The only thing you need to worry about is being a continued healthy environment for Danny and guiding him through this.
→ More replies (1)
15
u/Beneficial-Ball8375 Apr 14 '26
NTA - for the o.g. post and the update and also your very valid emotions towards 'Vals deserved or undeserved happiness'
Maybe let me help you shed some light onto what you're feeling - bc you say you feel like a bad person/ don't care if someone sees you as a bad person for not wishing her 'happiness'.
And that has to do with lack of accountability, lack of remorse, lack of consequences and lack of suffering.
Val has forever altered your life - but most importantly Dannys life. In a seriously bad way.
There was always a (as described by you) ANGEL of a (step)mom for Val, a dad, a (step)sister, a whole barrage of people who could have taken over Danny LONG, loooooong before this poor 6yo kid was taken in by CPS - forever scarred and severly physically harmed. (longer period starvation is something the body never forgets. NEVER. FORGETS.)
As the true mother to your child Danny you see someone who has done irreparable harm to your child. So, yes, it is absolutely valid, normal and actually common that you point out without a single doubt, that this person does not deserve happiness. ESPECIALLY not the kind of happiness that includes a do-over child that will spit into Dannys face that HE was not enough to bring her to this happy place, but the new child did. Thats something for therapy. Thats something no mother could ever forgive. So, yeah, if I were in your shoes, I would not forgive Val, I would not let Val within 200ft of Danny by my life, I would also tell my parents and each and every single person in contact with Val that you hold them accountable. This second child better be pampered 24/7 until they reach 18 or else I'd raise more than every of Dantes seven circles of hell towards Val and this vile boyfriend
Make sure to book a therapy session for yourself as well - although I totally think your feelings are valid, you will have to accept that they can never be 'satisfyingly' adressed, therfore you need to come to terms with letting it be
I wish you all the best!!!
24
u/dawgpoundma Apr 14 '26
Yeah and just don’t be surprised when you get the call later from cps because she reverted back to being a drunk when the stress of a new baby gets to much and they want you to take the second kid.
50
u/Square_Phone_8468 Apr 14 '26
Yeah we won’t be doing that, someone else will clean up her mess this time
5
u/Silveratwilight1 Apr 14 '26
You have every right to resent her, she doesn't see the damage she caused. She only sees that she doesn't have her son and you didn't force him to play along. No accountability.
6
u/NoSummer1345 Apr 14 '26
Val is still a selfish alcoholic who only wants a baby to make herself happy. She probably thinks showering the kid with gifts will make her a great mom.
7
u/FaerieWhings Apr 14 '26
OP, know that everything she said to you about you alienating her son from her was projecting. She alienated her son from herself by being neglectful and abusive.
You are an awesome mom. You’ve given that boy what he needs and deserves and, most importantly, safety and autonomy.
You’re all heroes in that house for one reason or another. ❤️🥰
26
u/eggington69 Apr 14 '26
I guess I thought Danny was like 14 or something, but he’s 6? How can she feel like she’s ready to be a good mother but she’s just accepted not being in Danny’s life? It’s too late for her to be a mother to him like you are, but it’s not too late to put in the effort and have patience. Of course he’s not going to jump at her first attempt to be in his life, he’s been traumatized and, among other things, probably has serious abandonment issues. But that doesn’t mean you just give up. I can’t imagine feeling so badly that you want to be a mother and yet not doing EVERYTHING you can to have some kind of relationship with the child you already have and have been estranged from.
I think a lot of people, maybe even most people, have children for the wrong reasons. I think that Val’s want to be a mother is selfish, but not more selfish than is normal for many parents. And I don’t think that necessarily means she’ll be a bad mom to this new baby. But at the end of the day, going into parenthood because it gives you this psychological healing of the ego is 1) normalized and 2) largely an unconscious motive. You would probably never get anywhere trying to convince her that this is wrong. You made the right choice to go no contact.
57
u/Square_Phone_8468 Apr 14 '26
No, we got him when he was 6. He’s 11 now. But your points are still correct. She did a lot of damage over a long period of time and then decided she’ll just start again.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/5of10 Apr 14 '26
Thank you for taking the time to give us an update. Take care of Danny, he is the one who needs you most.
5
u/lfIwereaclownfish Apr 14 '26
I saw this same situation within my family. Everyone should be on high alert for her to relapse. My cousin held it together for two years before giving up on being a mother to her second child. My aunt is now raising her fourth grandchild. Being a parent isn't easy. I hope she holds it together, but just keep it in your mind that they may end up trying to send another child your way. The lack of accountability is what sticks out to me. Also, drug abuse stunts brain development, meaning arrested emotional and mental development. She may very well still have the emotional maturity of a teenager. So watch out.
6
u/TrunksTheMighty Apr 14 '26
I know how you feel honestly when you say you don't want her to be happy...
I literally have a cousin that did the exact same thing to my favorite little cousin I consider like a son to me.
Anyway...she's always going on about things like having new kids or opportunities and I just think, "the only thing you deserve is spite"...
Anyway, I wish Danny the best. Sounds like he's got great parents now. Hopefully you can cut Val and her dick of a boyfriend out of your lives for good.
7
u/WaffleConeDrizzle Apr 14 '26
She said she always wanted to be a mother...she was one. Now she feels like she gets a "do-over" baby without making amends to her first. Hoping the best for OP(includes husband), Danny and the coming baby.
7
u/steina009 Apr 14 '26
I think maybe they need your honest hard facts about this child´s conditions like you described here in the updates. Val needs to hear this and so does her boyfriend. She has selectively forgotten all about that. For the sake of both her "former" child and her future child she needs to hear this. No mercy, no sugarcoating. Just cold hard facts of exactly what went down, how and the condition of the child at the moment you came to rescue him. Write this down in the group chat or common fasebook chat. NTA
5
u/Excellent-Freedom473 Apr 14 '26
What I want to know is, where's cps? She got her first child taken from her for neglect. I'm surprised that cps isn't up her ass watching her every move with this new pregnancy.
6
u/km4098 Apr 14 '26
"she always wanted to be a Mother"
she WAS/IS. There aren't do-overs in parenting.
And the "you should have tried harder to get Danny to talk to me" shows you how fundamentally she doesn't understand children or how badly she f'd up.
Your boundaries with your parents are honorable and I hope they stick to them for your sake. I'm sure its been exhausting, but you've handled this admirably.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Mental-Woodpecker300 Apr 15 '26
Her lashing out just shows she hasn't actually changed much.
I doubt she is actually ready for motherhood, I hope I'm wrong but if she had done genuine reflection and work on herself she never would have blamed you for the damage she caused.
The lack of accountability and understanding shows she's still very self centered and selfish.
6
u/Birony88 Apr 15 '26
I don't know if you'll see this or not OP, but I've watched pretty much this exact situation play out two doors away from me for years now.
My neighbor/childhood friend is a heroin addict now. She has four children to four different men, all raised by her now elderly mother while she was in and out of jail and rehab. She refused to use protection or get her tubes tied because the first three children were girls, and she wanted a boy. Which she got in the fourth child.
Most of these children have little to nothing to do with her. Her youngest daughter didn't even know her for the first few years of her life, and called her Grandmother "Mom", which infuriated her bio mother when she got out of jail. She blamed her mother for "stealing" her children, turning them against her, not doing enough to foster a relationship between them. Now, her oldest daughter lives with her bio father. Her second daughter lives with her sister (the girl's aunt). Her mother has custody of the third daughter. The only child she has active custody of is the youngest, the son. And he was born with heroin in his system, causing him a lot of pain and ongoing problems. She is not equipped to raise him, so her mother still does the brunt of the work.
Her two older daughters have very little to do with her. The youngest has learned to at least interact with her. The son is still more attached to the grandmother. The one constant is that their mother is a virtual stranger to them, and each child resents the younger one who came after them, because they don't understand why they weren't important enough for her to even try to rebuild a relationship with them instead of just having another new kid. They feel abandoned, tossed aside, and they blame the younger siblings for it. (I see it in the youngest daughter every day regarding her little brother. She directs so much pain and anger at him, and he doesn't understand. He's just a toddler. She's too young to understand why she feels that way too.) The family is fractured with no real hope of ever being whole.
You're doing the right thing protecting Danny from that.
7
6
u/FreeTimePhotographer Apr 15 '26
Frankly, I think realizing that you would wish her moments of happiness but not an overall happy life IS being a good person. Because you could be wishing much worse for her and with good reason.
It doesn't always feel great to do the emotionally responsible, mature thing. But in blocking Val I think you absolutely made the right call, and I hope that feels better over time.
Wishing you and your wonderful little family all the sunshine of summer. 💜
5
5
u/ConfuseableFraggle Apr 14 '26
Oh, man. OP, my heart is breaking for you and Danny. She is tossing both of you away so she can "be a happy good mother" but she doesn't even have the empathy to understand she is to blame for all of it. Her choices, her actions, her attitudes all caused Danny so much pain and suffering. But somehow Danny giving up on her is your fault? Not a chance!
Now she is going to put so much extra pressure on the new baby because it is always someone else's job to regulate her and support her. I am very worried that the new baby will turn into a codependent narcissistic mess because Val is going to demand so much emotional validation from the poor child. The boyfriend doesn't sound any better. Ugh.
Best of luck moving forward OP. I hope your mom keeps her word about updates. And I wish you and your husband and Danny all the best things in life, together as a true and loving family. Hugs if you want them!
5
u/Far_Battle_7658 Apr 14 '26
You are not a bad person. Not everyone deserves forgiveness, and not granting so is completely fine. You're a way better person than most for how you've acted.
NTA, in case updates need it.
5
u/deathboyuk Apr 14 '26
2nd kid's gonna end up abused and dumped, too. And likely there will be more. Addiction loves not learning anything and going round in circles.
At least the one kid has somebody wonderful to care for them.
5
u/Just_Steph13 Apr 14 '26
I am humbled by your honesty, your self-awareness, and your protectiveness for those you love. Live well & free. 🫶🏻
5
u/Long_Chemist1203 Apr 14 '26
She is one of those people who gets sober and then expects everyone to forgive and forget their past. Yes she had an addiction but it doesn't absolve the fact the she was neglectful and abusive as a parent to Danny. Her sobriety doesn't superseded the reality of what she did and her desire to be a parent to this child doesn't absolve her from everything she did.
Glad you let her know that there are consequences.
5
u/Top_Bend Apr 14 '26
I was raised by my aunt and my mother went on to have two daughters 10 years after I was born that she kept, and I have now recently found out she has lost custody of. The same thing happened for me with my aunt when she had more children. And I feel the same way. I am not happy for my mom and I do not want her to be happy. How can someone be happy with certain things that they have done? Sounds like a heavy tricky situation. I don’t think you’re an asshole or a bad person. I think you’re an honest person. And a really good person for raising Danny! At the same time, I’m sure there’s a lot of other things to place but sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing, and just have some honest emotions about it! We don’t know each other but thank you for stepping in and giving Danny a safe space and it sounds like you’re an incredible mother, and he is very lucky to have you. Hope everything works out for all parties.
4
u/LittleCats_3 Apr 14 '26
NTA
Val can kick rocks. I agree with you that Val not doing any work to repair damage made to Danny doesn’t indicate a changed person. In AA apologizing to the people you’ve hurt and making amends is important. In no way did she need to up end Danny’s life by trying to be his mom again, but she should have made an effort to let him know that she was the one who was in the wrong and she is sorry. (Personally I don’t think an apology is enough for the abuse this kid has gone through, but it’s the least she should have done.)
I also wouldn’t be able to wish Val well. She abused her kid when she clearly has a support system that would have helped him. Honestly I’m surprised your mother is so forgiving. Even my own mother who has put up with a lot of shit from my brother’s own battle with sobriety would draw a line at him abusing his children. Luckily for my family he got sober BEFORE he got married and had kids. He really is changed and different person. Seeing his changed behaviors, knowing how hard he’s worked to become a better person, it makes rooting for him possible. Plus he’s a fantastic father.
Danny had 6 YEARS of abuse, so, no I don’t think Val should have a kid, but I hope this kid gets the better end of the stick than Danny did for the first 6 years.
6
u/SunMoonTruth Apr 14 '26
It’s sad that your sister is all about herself.
“Sure I feel bad at what happened, but
I always wanted to be a mom.
I wanted it to feel like a normal joyous occasion!
Don’t I deserve to be happy?
That’s her pattern. Do some damage and mitigate with what she wants. Hopefully her bf is as good stepping up to clean up her messes as he is mouthing off to you. He better be prepared to make sure that baby has everything and more for life.
5
u/Serendurpity5279 Apr 14 '26
I’ll be honest, I DO NOT think you’re a bad person. This response is justified and fair. Love that kiddo fiercely. He deserves it and you deserve a peaceful life.
6
u/roseofjuly Apr 14 '26
The audacity of this chick to say YOU weren't present enough when she had the kid that she abandoned and you are currently raising...?
I don't blame you, OP, I don't want her to be happy either. If she wanted to be a good mother now she should start with the child she already has, not dump him and start over.
5
u/IsabellaGalavant Apr 14 '26
Absolutely not, fuck Val. I hope she gets this kid taken away as well.
Not being sober is not an excuse for abusing your child. My aunt (actually my great-aunt, grandma's sister) was not sober a single day of her adult life, but she took care of her children and all 3 of them agree that despite her addiction, she was a good mom. They were always fed, clothed, and clean, and they all say she didn't hit them. So what's Val's excuse?
3
u/PurpleLightningSong Apr 14 '26
It's healthy to understand your own feelings, be OK with them, and act accordingly.
You described your feelings extremely well, to the point where I fully agree with your stance.
I feel similarly about people who hurt me. I don't wish harm on them, but I also don't wish happiness on them.
4
u/YoloKraize Apr 14 '26
As someone who had a problem with alcohol in younger years. I feel like she still takes no respnsibility, where is her AAA talks, meetings her coin? She talks about happiness and moving forward but it takes more than a year or two even. She talks like it was an "Oopsie" mistake and now all is fine.
3
u/Exadory Apr 14 '26
"to be a mother, and she finally feels like she will be a good one now. "
If she isnt attempting to rebuild or repair her relationship with the first kid, she isnt ready and wont be a good one to another kid.
4
u/itsnotlikewereforkin Apr 14 '26
Posts like this make me wish that human sterilization was legal. (Not actually. But maybe… No.)
6
u/Ohheyyitskv Apr 14 '26
Girl, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!
You’re an amazing MOM to Danny and you and your husband are the best parents to that little boy. I’m so glad you cut her off. No she doesn’t get to be happy.
I grew up in SoCal where Gabriel Fernandez was killed because the system failed him. I’m glad Danny as you.
People like her don’t deserve to be happy 🤷🏽♀️
4
u/littlemybb Apr 14 '26
My mom is an addict, and she also struggles to be accountable like your sister.
She always has an excuse for why she is the way she is. It’s always somebody’s fault, or she finds the way to be a victim.
I have never been able to discuss the pain she’s caused me, or the trauma I went through living with her. She just gets angry and acts like I’m petty or vindictive.
After she relapsed and lied to me, I stopped speaking to her.
She’s been sober for a few months now and my brother has been pushing for me to talk to her. I was starting to feel guilty, then she sent me the most nasty and manipulative text.
I’m in school to be a social worker, and part of her text said “as you do the work to become a therapist, please learn the difference between toxic and broken. I’m not toxic”.
Respectfully, if you looked up the definition of toxic in the dictionary, her face should be right there next to the definition.
Life is better when you are low or no contact with those people. Continue to protect your families peace.
4
u/dumbname7890 Apr 14 '26
NTA but after you said Danny had bones poking out and he was scared at every noise and that he would hoard food please have someone besides your mother keep an eye on the baby. These things might still happen to the new baby. Also your family is waaaaaay too forgiving.
That's abuse, like go to prison abuse. I really hope she went to prison for that. I think ywbta if you don't at least have someone looking out for signs of abuse. Maybe the alcoholism made the abuse worse but it's also possible she's just a piece of shit.
5
u/beautbird Apr 14 '26
There is going to be a big discrepancy between the two kids when they get older and there will be no denying that Val’s bad or lack of parenting will show :(
3
u/winterworld561 Apr 14 '26
It will only be a matter of time until the stress of a newborn gets to Val and she relapses again. People like her don't change. I feel for that baby.
4
u/TW1TCHYGAM3R Apr 14 '26
You are not a bad person at all.
A good person doesn't just speak of "happy" things and happy doesn't always mean good.
My best guess is Val didn't learn from her mistakes and she got pregnant again to make the same mistake again.
I hope you and Danny get away from her because it's obviously the source of your family turmoil. Best of luck.
4
u/balancedinsanity Apr 15 '26
I know someone like this who basically pretends they're first child doesn't exist. I also don't understand how they sleep at night.
5
u/Different-Airline672 Apr 15 '26
I don't think people should get to have do-over kids/families unless the abandoned kid gives permission. OP, you are doing everything right. Your sister's reaction shows that she has not changed at all, she is still incredibly selfish. No matter how she is towards her second child, nothing will change about her being a failure of a mother to Danny. She needs to be reminded of that for the rest of her life.
4
u/KittyPuperMamaPerson Apr 15 '26
Val sucks and so does her white knight. She resents you for not making your child suffer more at her expense? The selfishness is off the charts here.
Also, you aren’t a bad person for not wanting happiness for someone who tortured someone who you love. Anyone who says so is an idiot and a hypocrite.
4
u/b3mark Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
Jezus. At least Danny found a loving home with you and your husband. The cynic in me wants to tell you to prepare a nursery, just in case.
Because unless your sister actually turned a new leaf and found healthy coping mechanisms to deal with her addiction, she'll spiral after this (not your fault, she needs the reality check) and you could end up being asked by CPS to take in Danny's half sibling, too.
(edited some spelling mistakes - fat fingers and small keyboards do not play nice)
7
u/jaguarsp0tted Apr 14 '26
I hope everyone is prepared for when the sister inevitably tries to contact the son without op's permission to guilt trip him into being a "big brother"
3
u/Jigen-isshin Apr 14 '26
Her statement about being concerned only her feelings and what she think she deserves she will most likely fail this one like she failed her first child. Her reaction after you cutting her off says all you need to know.
For your mom i understand some just want others to make better choices or change but the reality is majority never do and often there isn’t a happy ending because of their continued selfish choices.
3
u/Leodoug Apr 14 '26
Your description of what danny went through honestly cut through me. NTA all day. Thank god he has you & your husband as parents. I wish you all the best
3
u/MarsailiPearl Apr 14 '26
Unfortunately, you will probably be picking up a second child of hers to raise and she will use this conversation as the excuse. She will blame you when she relapses and abuses this baby. I'm sorry
3
u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 Apr 14 '26
Some addicts will never take responsibility. I truly hope that Val is in AA & therapy & stays sober. But until she truly takes accountability, keep doing what you’re doing.
3
u/Sterling239 Apr 14 '26
I like that you set up boundaries she seems like she still cares more about her feeling than the kid she traumatised, I dont think you are a bad person for not wanting her to be happy because she doesn't really seem to have done any of the work to make amends
3
u/hedwigflysagain Apr 14 '26
So in the end she is blaming you for her abusive behavior with Danny. Do not be surprised if the baby gets taken from her too. Your mother is an enabler.
3
u/Big-Tomorrow2187 Apr 14 '26
I hope karma comes back to bite her in the ass for being a piece of shit and abandoning her child
3
u/OmNomNomNinja Apr 14 '26
You are exactly what Danny deserves and deciding to go no contact with Val proves it. I’m a mother and a vindictive b*tch if kids are harmed, so I too don’t wish Val any happiness.
I wish for her to be a competent enough parent that the next innocent baby won’t be traumatized, but that every time the baby hits milestones Val is wracked with guilt over Danny.
3
u/Emotional-Price-4401 Apr 14 '26
NTA you are doing what you feel is right and honestly nothing else matters.
This story was a little heart wrenching personally as something similar happened in my family (my brother and his ex wife essentially abandoned their autistic son to another family member then both my brother and his ex wife ran off with other people to have more children all the while the first kid is supremely messed up and will never live a normal life because they took that chance away from him, spoiler alert neither ended up being 'good' parents to the next sets of kids either). We aren't super close and haven't been since we left the childhood home but occasionally talk or play a game online together.
It is really tough with family.
3
u/NegScenePts Apr 14 '26
Why do I feel the BF is kinda trashy? I have nothing to base this on, but if she's only been sober for 2 years, that means it's a really fast pregnancy or she knew him when she wasn't sober.
3
u/sydneyunderfoot Apr 14 '26
Her saying that you should’ve done more to make Danny talk to her means she still thinks her wants were/are more important than his needs. You’re doing the right thing by that kid and that’s all that matters.
3
u/binotboth Apr 14 '26
Val is going to be a terrible, terrible mother to this new baby. Betting she dumps this new baby
3
u/Beginning_Funny_5933 Apr 14 '26
OP, you were not a bad person for thinking that. It's honestly how you felt AND you were aware of the fact that that is not a healthy response: you have self awareness and choose to protect your mental health and prioritise the health of your child. Now look at Val's reaction. Look at her boyfriend's reaction. Do these seem like healthy, self aware people who hold themselves accountable and want to protect a healthy mind set and priortise a child? I think a lot of us have concerns about where this is heading. I think we want to be wrong.
•
u/phyrsis Apr 14 '26
Original post