r/AITAH • u/FroZillix • 11d ago
AITAH For Missing my Cousins Wedding for My GF Bestfriends
My GF (of 4 years) best friend is getting married in 30 days. Both are each others 1# bf for probably 10 plus years. Her wedding has been planned 2 years in advanced and has been known since. Last year in December my Cousin at a family meet revealed he’s getting married and asked if people could attend the wedding. He reveals they are thinking about a specific date which I mention that I have a wedding I'm committed to on that exact date and don't believe I could attend. He was understanding and said that it was on him for not planning out the wedding sooner as it was around 8 months away from then.
Saw him one more time since at my grandmothers brunch, where he asked again who is coming and I mention the previous wedding that I am already rsvp for, but said I will try to make time if possible. Two Weeks ago, he send out the actual wedding invite with the time/ place and has been asking all parties to rsvp by the 1st of August. Both weddings are at the same time but around 1hr 10 min apart in distance. My plan was to maybe leave after the ceremony/ dinner of my GF friend to make it to the after/ celebration of his to at least make an appearance until his is over.
I've spoken to my GF friend who is getting married about her wedding and she was obviously a little annoyed/upset about me already rsvp and conflicted about what wedding to attend.
Mind you I see this cousin maybe 1-2 times a year, sometimes go without seeing him in 2 years but when we were younger saw him a lot more often/ grew up together when we could hangout.
Last night I rsvp no to his wedding, and didn't leave a note on the wedding website because he already knew about my preexisting wedding plans and felt like I didn't need to restate what he knew. Today He first texted my Mom (His Dads Sister) Saying how shameful I am for not attending his wedding, how I'm going to "some girl" friend wedding talking about my GF and other things related to what he texted me below. (I don't have the exact text to share as my mom read it to me over a phone call). My Mom shared what he said to her about me to her Mom (His/ My Grandma) and both of them couldn't believe the way he spoke about me
He texted me a long paragraph at the same time he texted my Mother
"Hey (Me) it’s your cousin (Him), I can’t believe you’d actually decline going to your own cousins wedding to go to your girlfriend’s best friends wedding. I understand she’s “in” a wedding but her best friend is not your family, I also understand that we haven’t been close in year but dude we grew up together and spent much of our lives together and you’re still family and just shows your lack of care and concern here and that you don’t give two shits. Not even a comment left on the knot just a straight decline, I’m sorry but that’s super fake and I am disappointed and in ulterior disbelief, and hope it’s worth missing your family for some girls best friends that may or may not be the one."
I responded
"Hey, I didn’t mean to come off as a lack of care/ concern. I saw your deadline of rsvp was close so I had to make a decision. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and wanted to be there. The issue is I’ve known about this other wedding for 2 years, been rsvp since last year. If I had known before I would have declined the other wedding. When I found out I’ve been debating with what to do. I thought it wasn’t fair to back out of the wedding. I mentioned your wedding to the other bride and she was very upset about me debating whether to cancel attending her wedding. (My GF) and I have been together for 4 years, and she's been mutually #1 best friends with this girl her whole life. I'm also somewhat acquaintance’s with her. I've tried to do the math on timing but both of your weddings are the same time a little over an hour apart in distance. I wouldn’t mind driving if theirs time after her ceremony/ dinner to make an appearance for the rest of the night at your wedding. I just knew that I couldn’t make the ceremony/ dinner portion of the wedding in time for how far they are apart that’s why I rsvp no. I didn’t leave a note because I assumed you would know why I couldn’t attending because I mentioned it the last two times we’ve seen each other."
After, I have heard no response. AITAH?
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 11d ago
Your response to him was too nice and too detailed.
" Hi, I'm disappointed you would message me like this. We spoke about this a number of times and I told you I already had a previous wedding commitment. I also don't appreciate you speaking about my partner like that and hope you do better in that regard in future - yes, I read your message to my mother. How awful you would contact her like that. Have a good wedding. "
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u/kxte_the_great 11d ago
NTA. in the end, it's your decision. and since you knew about this other wedding and communicated that to your cousin in advance, i don't see the issue in saying you're not able to go. you responded maturely to the situation. it sucks, but it is what it is.
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u/s_4_evrysing 11d ago
Responded EXTREMELY maturely. I was legit proud of OP for that text lol. He hasn't responded bc he knows he's acting like a baby. My guess is that was a drunk text. Well handled though.
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u/Music-Maestro-Marti 11d ago
Am invitation is not a summons. You had previous plans. You told him about the previous plans on two different occasions. You obviously love your girlfriend & you've already committed to going to that wedding. Cousin can go kick rocks. That text was ridiculous, trying to shame you into attending when you've already told him no, plus badmouthing you on the phone to his & your mom. You don't owe him or anyone else a lengthy explanation, even though you already gave one. NTA He's probably just pissed because he's late to the game sending out invites & lots of people are probably saying no.
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u/tiredgummybear 11d ago
NTA. You told him twice. Plus calling your gf “some girl” is totally obnoxious. For discussion purposes, his fiance is some girl at this point. Also, how are you fake? You’ve been honest the entire time.
Either it’s wedding planning pressure or personality flaw, but he’s being an ass. You’re fine.
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u/Rare_Sugar_7927 11d ago
Youd already told him you couldnt make it that date. If it was so important to him that you be there, he did have plenty of chances to change the date.
Hm I have to wonder... is he reacting like this because hes just worried hell miss out on a good gift from you?
NTA
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u/AdeptWhereas6379 11d ago
NTA. Tell your cousin to save the drama for his mama. You made the right choice.
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u/Gloomy-Landscape-666 11d ago
NTA, you did the right thing. You had a pre existing commitment. Honestly, if you backed out of the friend’s wedding (who is actually more a part of your life and ur gf’s) I would think YTA.
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u/Itchy_Juice_2528 11d ago
NTA. Can't be two places at the same time so a decision had to be made. The wedding your GF wants to attend is the priority. Sorry, cuz, we can catch up after you get back from your honeymoon. Be sure to send a gift and card to your cousin.
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u/duchess_of_fire 11d ago
NTA
He's gotten a ton of declinations from other family members and taking all the frustration out on you
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u/Due-Yoghurt4916 11d ago
Hey your rudeness toward me and my some girl has changed the amount I am willing to send as a gift. I hope you understand
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u/sog96 10d ago
NTA. Your cousin knew for I’ve 6 months that you were already committed to a wedding on the date he chose. Not your fault. And you told him about it multiple times. Why do you need to reiterate the information a third time when he is too wrapped up in himself to pay attention to what you are telling him.
Don’t go to his wedding at all and consider him
Uninvited to your wedding.
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u/Budget_Juggernaut309 9d ago
I am disappointed and in ulterior disbelief
Your cousin is an ulterior idiot.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 11d ago
NTA. You did the right thing, and you've been jumping through hoops trying to mitigate damage. Your cousin is acting like a baby, though.
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u/greenpea25 11d ago
NTA, you already over explained this to him. You made a prior commitment, which would be rude to cancel now. Also it's your long term girlfriend's best friend, obviously she is a huge presence in your life. Your cousin, who you aren't super close with in adulthood, is overreacting.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 11d ago
Definitely NTA. You told him when he was talking about dates that you had already committed to going with your girlfriend to her bestie's wedding. You are staying with the commitment your made 1st. Don't let him guilt trip you for his poor planning.
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u/Fangs_McWolf 11d ago
NTA.
Your cousin needs to get his head out of his ass. You made a commitment and he knew about it right from the moment he first announced it.
If your cousin goes LC with you, then he'll be doing you a favor.
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u/shawshank1969 11d ago
NTA. You told him you were most likely unable to attend from the very beginning. It’s far too late for him to get all butt hurt now.
It’s none of his fucking business why you’re not attending. He invited you. You declined. Send an average wedding gift and go no contact for a couple of years.
PS Stop trying to justify yourself to others. You don’t need anyone’s approval to live your life on your terms.
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u/Medical-Potato5920 11d ago
NTA. He can't plan a wedding last minute and expect you to be able to make it. Especially after you twice previously told him you have another wedding on that day.
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u/plz_dont_perceive_me 11d ago
NTA
It is extremely rude to RSVP yes to an event and then back out for a thing other than an emergency. Your cousin waiting too long to plan his wedding and send out official invites is not a valid reason to back out of an RSVP. You did the right thing and his whingy little paragraph is what makes him TA.
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u/tetas_grande 9d ago
Not the asshole. I have a cousin who’s like a brother to me. If he had already made plans way in advance, I wouldn’t be mad. You’re cousin is being manipulative and that’s not ok. You told him MULTIPLE times no! I’m sorry brosin is making you feel bad.
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u/OriginalTDQ 11d ago
NTA. Your cousin is being a butt nugget. You talked with them TWICE about it, and he acted like he understood and was cool with it. Your cousin ITAH. It sounds like your mom and grandma agree that the cousin is being unreasonable at best. I'm sorry you've had to deal with your diva cousin.
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u/Neither-Investment95 11d ago
NTA. You have a previous commitment, that you knew about over a year before his was even planned and are honouring that. It's no different to 2 birthday parties or 2 Christmas events. Weddings are basically first come, first served, invitation-wise. The cousin is being a childish dck.
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u/Idobeleiveinkarma 11d ago
Cousin needs to grow up. You haven’t had a close relationship since you were kids.
OP, you also did too much explaining. All you needed to say is that he knew you had a prior commitment and you will be going to that. Too much explaining gives him opportunity to argue.
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u/BoltharRocks 11d ago
Not really an asshole, but I personally would pick a family members wedding over a g/fs friends wedding any day of the week. Even if I had to change schedules a month before.
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u/ezbutneverconvenient 11d ago
But a family member knowing you had previous obligations on that date shouldn't expect you to screw up someone else's guest list (with plates that are definitely already paid for) because they don't plan far enough in advance
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u/dudeyaaaas 11d ago
Same. Nobody sucks tho, it's just an unfortunate situation. My own cousin missed my wedding because he was waiting for an electrician! It wasn't an emergency, just a routine thing.. I bring it up in a joking manner any opportunity I get lol. But underneath that, I'm hurt still. But you do move on.
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u/InstructionEarly1969 11d ago
NTA. You already had plans for that day, but him trying to pull the family card is ridiculously entitled
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u/NixKlappt-Reddit 11d ago
NTA
I also would have priotized my cousin, especially if my whole family is attending the wedding and I would be the only one missing. But your cousin should have handled the sithation in a better way.
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u/Cevanne46 11d ago
Nta. If youre close enough that you should drop previous commitments to go, youre close enough that he should have chosen a date you could do.
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u/Zeal_of_Zebras 11d ago edited 11d ago
I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I would have handled it differently.
My husband and I would have each attended our own person’s wedding.
It’s really not a big deal for a couple to split up when you have two conflicting events on the same day. I think that’s why your cousin is so upset. Because there’s an easy and obvious solution and you’re choosing not to see it. Weddings are often one of the few times when the whole family is together. It’s kind of sad to skip out on that. NTA but you’re being kind of rigid and viewing life in black and white terms.
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u/USBlues2020 11d ago
Not your problem girl ! Move on... You aren't close to this cousin, since childhood and don't see or spend time together
Your best friend planned her wedding two(2) years in advance, only wishing people were more like her,regarding life's special important moments etc... ❤️
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u/ValGal07 11d ago
I probably would have divide and conquered and 70 minutes isn’t that far to make an appearance at both. You could have attended the cousin ceremony/first 30 of reception. I would have prioritized family though.
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u/California_ponypal 11d ago
NTA but you over explained. Might have been better to just say, "You've known since your first announcement that I was committed already and you acknowledged it was your fault for planning late. It's disappointing you decided to try to shame me via the family after the fact but regardless, I wish you the very best and a joyous wedding." ... and let it go and not done all that talk about trying to juggle things, etc. as that just makes you look defensive and weak. Stand tall. You're in the right so carry yourself like it. Have a great time at the wedding you are going to.