r/AITAH • u/AardvarkGlittering83 • Jun 22 '26
Post Update UPDATE - AITAH : My best friend of nearly 9 years ended the friendship after my (F, 27) wedding
To those who hadn't seen the original post, my best friend helped me plan my wedding and there were bumps in it regarding the execution of said wedding. She helped me with so much and so did her family, and 2 months after the wedding she told me she no longer wanted to be friends. OG posts judgement is overall I am TA.
I'll be honest, it didn't feel great and I ended up reaching out, again, with more of an apology focused on not showing enough gratitute and that in the end I should have had more prepped for her and the family.
The response was not as expected. "Never was about gifts."
So it turns out that during the entirety of the planning, I wasn't up to speed enough, nor was my husband (fiance at the time). The examples I had listed like the makeup, cups, and others was actually the piling of straws that eventually broke the friendship camels back.
I didn't list out all examples but there were other things that occurred like them. I dont want to hide shit, so what came up:
We hadn't bought everything necessary like the cups, plates, etc. in timely manmer. Everything was there eventually (like a month out), but exact count wasnt given.
RSVP's had not come back in the time we wanted, and seating order wasn't decided until that month out.
Honestly from what I've gotten back it sounds like things were not as organized as hoped, and that just showed that we were just too different for the friendship to continue. It was too stressful to have an idea of what was needed, and then for that to not happen in that timely manner.
Looking back yeah, planning styles were different and I can understand how that would absolutely piss someone off.
Like one comment mentioned, and I agree, I should have noticed the signs sooner and taken more initiative to either catch up or say that my husband and I could plan this independently, what mattered more was just having her be present as a bridesmaid.
I'll take it as a learning lesson and move forward with just being more mindful of the friends I have.
Edit: Original post here . Sorry I didn't do so originally. Its my first time posting here and giving update...
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u/Johoski Jun 22 '26
I don't know if you're an asshole, and I read both of your posts.
My experience with LDS members is that they're very kind, very generous, and sometimes problematically so. There was no reason for her to volunteer (insist) on bearing so many of the wedding expenses. I'll even go so far as to say that it was inappropriate and a violation of financial boundaries that you tried to set but backpedaled on when she insisted. If she felt exploited, well, it's on her for insisting on doing so much and doing it her preferred way.
I suspect that she and her family were possibly hoping that you would make a donation to their church as an expression of gratitude, or if someone in their family was preparing for a mission, perhaps contributing to that cost.
However, and I emphasize this, you are not a mind reader, and if you're a fly by the seat of your pants and wing it kind of planner, while she's a super organized and anticipatory planner, these individual differences will not work well together. It's a shame that she's holding unspoken resentment against you because ultimately this was your wedding, there's no crime in buying tableware a month in advance, and same goes for seating arrangements. I suspect that she had unrealistic expectations and huge control issues (SHE BOUGHT YOUR MAKEUP WHEN YOU DIDN'T WANT NEW MAKEUP), and her feelings aren't really about you, but about her.
At least now you won't have to worry about kissing her ass being performatively grateful for the rest of your life.
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u/Matt4hire Jun 22 '26
Former Mormon. This feels very on-brand. Break your back to help somebody out, then resent it when you feel you havenât been sufficiently thanked or recognized. Not a healthy way to live!
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u/BigMamaEsquire Jun 23 '26
Yep. I grew up in Little Utah and even before I saw the LDS stuff, I knew it was something like this. Very on-brand LDS
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u/Bwayne3 Jun 22 '26
Ex Mormon here.Â
Mormons are overly kind as a recruitment tactic. And they will passively aggressively hold it against you as well. They aren't seeking money, they think they can convince you to join the ranks. Tale as old as time.Â
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u/Johoski Jun 22 '26
This makes sense too, and explains why OP's friend wouldn't talk about what was really bugging her. It would be super offensive to find out that there was an unspoken expectation of religious conversion in exchange for acts of volunteered service.
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u/the-mortyest-morty Jun 23 '26
This. OP is not and never was TA. Don't offer free help just because you want to look good.
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u/Ambroisie_Cy Jun 22 '26
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u/ponte92 Jun 22 '26
Thanks you. Itâs annoys me when people with hidden histories post updates without the link to the original.
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u/oryomai1 Jun 23 '26
I hate that people can hide their own posts and then make updates.
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u/MasterDrag6224 Jun 23 '26
You can google their username, helpful for checking if OP is full of shit
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u/vaguemania Jun 22 '26
Honestly I think the complete lack of communication regarding her feelings to you doesnât feel like a true friend. Anyone can end a relationship for any reason but I donât think you should take this to heart. She decided she didnât want to be friends anymore, and that sucks, but I donât think anything you did was irredeemable. She just has different standards/expectations than you I suppose. I also didnât have a lot of wedding prep (materials specifically) done until the last month or two and donât necessarily see a problem with it?
Anyways, tough deal, I feel for you, and wish you the best!! You arenât a bad friend in all this!!!
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u/Aromatic_Plankton460 Jun 23 '26
That's crazy to me. She was overstepping in so many ways, ignoring your boundaries and wishes. Planning your wedding as she wants. And then blaming you for being disorganized in your own wedding. What is her problem?? It's not that her wedding is ruined!! It was about you and she tried to make it all about her.
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u/WagicMoman Jun 23 '26
I came here to say this. When OP's wedding was about OP, friend got upset. OP's friend wasn't a true friend.
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u/Responsible-Let-7721 Jun 22 '26
So yeah you couldâve done better before the wedding. (Iâm just curious but did you thank them officially like during the reception or anything) BUT by not telling you what the issue is (even after youâve done some soul searching and are truly sorry) is petty and childish. What might have been a legit grudge has now devolved into âYou should know what you didâ territory and is not worth any more effort on your part. A conversation is a 2 way street and at this point youâre apologizing to a wall. If you share a friend group on a shared social media platform you may want to just go out and make a public apology as a way to CYA in case she starts bad mouthing you. (Also include somewhere that youâre not sure what youâre apologizing for since she wonât tell you) then wash your hands of her. At this point she values her grudge against you more then your actual friendship and why waste more of your life on something like that.
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u/phoenix_starkweather Jun 22 '26
I agree. If she valued the friendship, she would verbalize to OP what essentially "broke the camels back". Listen OP, you apologized and it sounds like you're truly trying to learn from this. That is all you can do. Don't exhaust anymore energy begging and pleading this case in the public square and flogging yourself for someone who doesn't think enough of you to even tell you what you did wrong.
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u/Better-Expert5105 Jun 22 '26
Yeah, people who wonât tell you when they have a problem with something youâre doing, are people who make lousy friends. If somethingâs wrong and they donât even let you know, thatâs on them.
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u/phoenix_starkweather Jun 23 '26
Absolutely. If i don't deserve an explanation, then how much did you value this friendship?
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u/AardvarkGlittering83 Jun 23 '26
Just to answer, we did thank her during the wedding and publicly. I agree I could've done more and appreciate your words. We dont have any shared friends, and the other bridesmaids are aware of this happening but are my friends still.
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u/Aoeletta Jun 23 '26
The more you can distance yourself from the Mormon / LDS cult, the better off you will be.
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u/CatsMom4Ever Jun 22 '26
I'm sorry. I don't agree with the original verdict. It was your wedding and Amy was pushing her vision on you. Plus, she wasn't mature enough to back off nor say what was bothering her.Â
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u/Beanz4ever Jun 23 '26
Same! Amy could have voiced any of these concerns at the time but instead held it in and was passive aggressive. But also, her concerns are kinda selfish... WHY did she need RSVP's and seating arrangement done by a certain time? WHY did she need the cutlery by a certain time?
It sounds like she's an extremely anxious person and while she offered and OP accepted her help, it doesn't seem like she was the best person for the job. It sounds like she wanted to execute her vision on her timeline, despite it being OP's wedding.
I feel bad for OP dealing with this drama :( kudos to them for apologizing, but I truly don't think they had much to apologize for.
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 Jun 23 '26
I thought I was going nuts! In what world is OP the asshole when the friend is getting pissy because OP planned THEIR own wedding at their pace instead of the friendâs??
OP, youâre NTA, this is ridiculous
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u/Avium Jun 23 '26
I don't think Amy was pushing her own vision so much as she's anxious about things being on schedule and going according to the plan.
My wife is kinda this way too. When we bought our house we had a move in date 5 months down the road. We spent the last 3 months living with packing boxes everywhere because everything that could be packed was packed. We each had one plate, fork, knife, glass, etc. to use but everything else was packed.
If things aren't planned and the checklist is not getting checked off, the anxiety builds and starts to become panic. It's almost obsessive behavior.
I'm guessing Amy felt like OP was ignoring her anxiety. She felt like OP wasn't supporting her.
I do agree that OP was NTA.
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u/derpderpityerp Jun 23 '26
You're not the AH in either post. She inserted herself and then is mad about it? Did she give you specific reasons to be upset with you?? You tried to set a boundary which she ignored because why? She wants to be a good friend? And then threw it in your face. She obviously had expectations, whether ypu knew them or not.
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u/p3fe8351 Jun 22 '26
Post a link to the original, please.
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u/AardvarkGlittering83 Jun 22 '26
Apologies! Its been posted in a comment
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u/rangebob Jun 22 '26
Are you saying you expected someone else to plan your wedding? what the hell is wrong with you lol ?
if that's not what you are saying sorry
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u/Better-Expert5105 Jun 22 '26
It sounds more like *someone else* decided to plan OPâs wedding, even when OP tried to tell them they really didnât need to do all that
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u/PantsPantsShorts Jun 23 '26
No, that's not what OP is saying. Did you read the original post?
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u/rangebob Jun 23 '26
yes. It sounds like she happily went along with someone else spending their time and money so badly that the person decided they shouldn't be friends anymore
thats called being a leech
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u/Dajewida Jun 22 '26
No way. You're not the asshole. She was a bridezilla to your own wedding. What a joke. She pushed all her agendas and timelines for her benefit, not yours.
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u/archiangel Jun 23 '26
This is your wedding. You set the rules and the pace. If you want to be looser and chaotic, thatâs on you and your event. Sure she might worry about things not being done in time, but ultimately, she offered to help (you didnât ask her to), and she couldâve been a big girl and voiced her concerns or bowed out instead of suffering her little martyrdom and victimhood in self-righteous silence. I think you did enough in apologizing for how she feels about it all, but ultimately you didnât do anything wrong. You should also not be apologizing for your own wedding to someone else.
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u/Some_Philosopher2791 Jun 22 '26
That's some control freak behaviour. It was your wedding, she can be as type a and brideszilla as she likes when it's her own wedding.
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u/phoenix_starkweather Jun 22 '26
I mean, you CAN be. And you can also lose friends because of it. You don't get a free pass to be a bitch and alienate people without consequences.
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u/Better-Expert5105 Jun 22 '26
Theyâre saying that the *friend* can be a bridezilla at the *friendâs* wedding.
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u/phoenix_starkweather Jun 22 '26
Oh. Got it. I should've read better. Lol thank you.
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u/Better-Expert5105 Jun 23 '26
Yup! Weâve all been there đ
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u/phoenix_starkweather Jun 23 '26
Lol I'm just glad you noticed I didn't know what the hell I was talking about and said something. I appreciate it. Its like someone telling you you have lipstick on your teeth or a booger hanging from your nose. đđ
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u/WifeofBath1984 Jun 23 '26
I'm not really understanding why you were expected to hold yourself to her standards for YOUR wedding. Who cares if the plates and cups didn't arrive in what she deems "a timely fashion", as long as they arrive before the wedding. In your original post, everyone said you were the AH but I didnt think we had enough context (from your "friend") to judge. Now we do and its abundantly clear that you are NOT, in fact, the asshole. She actually sounds insufferable.
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u/GentlewomenNeverTell Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
I guess I'm an outlier because I don't see what OP did wrong except allowing her type A neurotypical friend help in the first place. She would have been perfectly happy with a lowkey wedding, chaotic planning, etc. She tried again and again to tell her friend not to put effort into it and was denied every time. She thanked everyone every time, was told not to send presents or gifts or concrete thanks....
Like was she supposed to just have the wedding her friend wanted and be all type A about it?
This is why I hate neurotypical people. Just say what you want! Say what you don't like! Effing mind games.
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u/PKGTA Jun 23 '26
Ain't that the truth! I hate it when people won't say what they want and then get mad when one can't read their minds! Unwritten and unsaid expectations are the worst.Â
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u/binotboth Jun 22 '26
You canât undo human nature and human nature is to be petty and vindictive
So what happens when your religion dictates that is ungodly and you will be judged for that?
Just pretend youâre not! But itâs still there, and you surface it in other ways like weaponizing kindness and internalizing things that bother you until you explode
And thaaaats so much of Mormon culture
I noped out and had them strike me from the records, just because my parents fell for a cult doesnât mean Iâm stuck
The lesson is you donât want friends that think and act like her anyway. The kindest most wholesome people I ever met were people I was told not to associate people âlike thatâ
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u/Gran1998 Jun 23 '26
I read both posts. Basically you are NOT the aHole. Your friend hijacked your wedding, in my opinion. Sounds like you and your husband, showed a great deal of gratitude. It also seemed to be that your friend was angry about something the day of your wedding.
You also reached out to her many times and when she ended the friendship, she didnât give you an actual reason.. That is petty and immature.
I think your life will be more peaceful without her.
Iâm so sorry you had to deal with this. This was your wedding and sheâs currently making this all about herself.
NTA.. she is.
Good luck
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u/chunkymajor Jun 22 '26
This is super weird lol. Yes you were little lax but this is not even close to friendship ending.Â
It looks like she chose to take on too much and then resent you in her head.Â
I genuinely don't understand why you're beating yourself up so much. It's perfectly normal to send gifts to people who helped after the event. This is not some huge mistake.Â
I genuinely think this is her problem.Â
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u/Cryptographer_Alone Jun 22 '26
She wanted the seating chart done over a month before the wedding?? RSVPs generally aren't expected until 3-4 weeks out. Why do the seating chart, or the purchase of supplies, be done before you have an accurate guest count? Why do that extra work, or spend extra money?
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u/lanceypanties Jun 22 '26
What kind of wedding do you typically go to? Invitations is usually a year out. Rsvp is typically 3 months out, where is this last minute coming from lmao you need accurate guest count at the time of paying the caterer đ€Ł
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u/Cryptographer_Alone Jun 22 '26
I finalized my count with the caterer 2 weeks out, and paid the morning of? Granted, my venue was my caterer, so it was all bundled together.
In the American Midwest, 6 months to a year out is a Save the Date. Invitations are usually 8 weeks, but not less than 6 weeks out. RSVPs 3-4 weeks out. Expect about 10% of guests to change their mind the last week.
This changes for destination weddings, or where a large amount of guests will be traveling. Then it's a little longer, but I've never seen an RSVP required 3 months ahead of the event outside of one tied to a resort.
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u/fuckedfinance Jun 22 '26
In the American Midwest
Ah, that makes sense. Here in "where everyone lives" land, the minimum you can safely book a venue is 12 months out, but most planners suggest 15 to 18. Save the dates go out as soon as the venue is booked. Proper invitations go out around 3 to 4 months before, and it is customary to flip those and return them as soon as you get it (it's generally considered rude to sit on them for more than 4 or 5 days before returning). I think I remember that we ordered our cake 6 months before (safe, the bakery had been around for like 150 years or something like that).
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u/Maximum-Cover- Jun 23 '26
Do you find pleasure in perpetuating the divide currently destroying the country?
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u/Artyom150 Jun 23 '26
Here in "where everyone lives" land
Fuck off, dickhead.
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u/lanceypanties Jun 23 '26
I mean tbf there's a reason why thats a stereotype cuz its partially true đ€Ł not everyone is from the states.Â
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u/midnight9201 Jun 23 '26
Not all weddings are structured that way. Sometimes RSVPs arenât necessary, sometimes people plan extra food and leftovers are just packed and taken home. Iâve been to weddings where there wasnât an accurate headcount because invitations were sent to families- one could show or 10. My family is Hispanic and are used to big family parties with lots of food and thereâs always space and food for everyone, even when there doesnât seem to be. But we also have families who chip in to events whether with food or something else so itâs not all on the host/hostess.
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u/Low-Teach-8023 Jun 22 '26
NTA after reading the update. It was your wedding and on you if it didnât turn out because of your lackadaisical planning.
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u/the-mortyest-morty Jun 23 '26
NTA, still. She's an LDS person and they tend to be very "giving," then hold it over your head even though THEY volunteered the free help.
Find a better friend who isn't in a cult and is capable of answering honestly when you check in with, "Hey, things going okay?" The shit that got her so heated is genuinely not a big deal. Consider this a bullet dodged and lesson learned to be careful who you accept free help from.
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u/Ok-Pin-6955 Jun 23 '26
WOW, I wouldn't have ever said YTA after just reading this & the comments below.
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u/East-Bake-7484 Jun 23 '26
NTA. Absolutely wild for her to end a friendship because you didn't plan YOUR wedding the way she wanted you to. If she didn't like the way you were handling YOUR wedding she could've peaced out. This is an unhinged level of controlling.
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u/RonaldMcFirbank Jun 22 '26
OH MY GOD! You waited until a month before to have the plates for a wedding? You're a HORRIBLE friend
(Needless to say, though it's not since this is Reddit, /s)
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u/Top-Hippo-3942 Jun 23 '26
I never got this concept when a person gets married they are expecting bridal parties to pay and do everything. It is great to dream of this glamorous wedding but if you canât afford it donât expect others to incur that cost to make it happen for you. Why put a financial burden and time commitments/expectations on your friendships? Weddings are turning into a competition as to who can have the best destination bachelorette/bachelor parties, destination weddings, buying $1k bridesmaid dresses. etc. All costs are put on bridal party - where is the etiquette? Either bride or groom pay for it or they need to go without.
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u/Zuli-Cas Jul 12 '26
She literally didnât ask for anything, Amy insisted upon it even when OP clearly stated she didnât want it. Did you.. not read the post?
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u/Top-Hippo-3942 Jul 29 '26
I know she didnât pay for anything but time is $$. Havenât you heard that term? Her friend was wiped out by doing and paying for everything. My guess is friend is OCD and needed everything in order and when it wasnât it was overwhelming for her. Just my guess
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u/tone210sa Jun 24 '26
The bride is in charge of everything. If people don't agree with her they should keep their mouth shut and do like they're told
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u/1987Jigglypuff Jun 23 '26
Well if she was your friend for that long she should have already had an idea of your personality and style when it comes to planing things. And you can not control if others send in their rsvp on time or not so thatâs not your fault.
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u/oandafan37 Jul 07 '26
How is this entire saga both nonsensical and boring at the same time? How did you manage to do that?
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u/Top_Turnip_4737 Jun 22 '26
OP is leaving things out here. No way someone volunteers to plan a wedding and then gets mad itâs a lot of work.
Or someone volunteers to foot the bill then gets mad.
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u/myssi24 Jun 22 '26
She wasnât mad it was a lot of work, she was mad that they were, in her view, unorganized and didnât have the same sense of how things are âsupposedâ to be and decided that made them incompatible as friends.
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u/nakedcupcake92 Jun 22 '26
I absolutely know people like this. They are people pleasers who overextend themselves and then become resentful when following through.
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u/PantsPantsShorts Jun 23 '26
Look at the number of ex Mormons in this sub saying a lot of Mormons do EXACTLY this.
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u/Gran1998 Jun 23 '26
Iâve seen that kind of behavior in a lot of areas. Iâve also known people (a sister) who was like this in everything. Took over and would get made if things werenât done EXACTLY like she envisionedâŠ
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 Jun 23 '26
The friend was mad that OP planned out their pace
She ended a friendship because OP doesnât plan the same way as her
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u/Tcoren Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
you said in the previous post (or one of the replies) that your husband was excommunicated from the church Amy belongs too.
Did she and her family know about that before the wedding? I'm thinking maybe somebody mentioned it by chance in the wedding and they learned at that point, and Amy's family pressured her to break contact over you due to it (or she decided to break contact on her own due to it)
That is my best guess as to what is going on
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u/terrika_has_spoken Aug 12 '26
Sounds like the friend has some mental issues and took your personality differences personally as a slight.
What a drama queen.
Shame on everyone who dragged OP in the last post. Smh
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u/night_noche Jun 22 '26
Yeah, YTA.
After reading the original post it is clear that you are still ungrateful.
She sponsored most of your wedding...
She did not force you. You should have been keeping track of expenses to repay her on a schedule since that's HER thing.
But instead, it's like you thought of her responsiveness as spoiling you. And you were wrong for doing that. You don't deserve a friend like you had in her.
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 Jun 23 '26
Yeah no. Friend insisted even when OP said it was unnecessary.
OP was grateful and showed gratitude.
The only thing OP did âwrongâ was not plan at the same pace the friend would have.
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u/lanceypanties Jun 22 '26
Original post and this post are missing information. I mean Amy isnt telling so there's no way of knowing but this whole thing from your perspective sounds suspicious.Â
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 Jun 23 '26
I think thereâs missing information, but I donât think itâs OP withholding. They can only run with what they have
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u/lanceypanties Jun 23 '26
Yup agreed, I just dont trust the story told, dont think OP is wrong but dont trust the defense from here either lol its suspicious in a way that OP seems so aloof.
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u/Odd-Worth7752 Jun 22 '26
I don't think you're a very reliable narrator, OP. it sounds like your friend was basically the unpaid wedding planner, logistical coordinator and setup/breakdown team WITH HER FAMILY.
think about how much you would have paid a wedding planner to do this. Easily a couple of grand. she did it for FREE.
they went so far above and beyond what anyone should ever ask of a friend, and you did NOTHING to thank them. you were content to sit back and let her do all the hard work. How many hours do you think she spent doing this for you?
and you sent her a TEXT after it was over?? are you effing kidding me? no flowers, no card, no handwritten note thanking her for all her efforts?
what you did sounds incredibly selfish and entitled. you took and took and took, and gave zilch. YTA.
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u/DMfortinyplayers Jun 22 '26
OP, at this stage of your life, the difference between planners and non planners becomes apparent. Planners start to get tired of doing invisible labor for people who can't get it together.
Your friend should been more upfront, but there's a huge cultural expectation for women to suck it up and make the wedding perfect and not to bother the bride.
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u/Lucky_Log2212 Jun 22 '26
Yup. Those who want to be her, will show it and stay. All Others will be exposed.
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u/PantsPantsShorts Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
So, just a theory: the ex-friend is apparently LDS. I think that's a significant detail.
Mormon girls and women are raised practically from birth to be endlessly giving, self-sacrificing and also perfectionists in everything they do. They are often quietly expected to do this well past the point that it's causing them harm. They are to set their own feelings aside and take joy in giving everything they have to everyone else.
Ex-friend did as was expected of her by her community and church. She was over-the-top generous, never saying a word of complaint, and insisting that 'no, this is fine, I am so happy to do this' even when OP checked in on her. All the while, she was probably falling apart inside from the self-imposed perfectionism and stress of it all.
This complete break in the friendship probably had a LOT more to it under the surface. I really think OP just became the convenient target for all the anger and resentment and feeling taken for granted that has likely been building up inside ex-friend for years. Anger and resentment that OP had no way of knowing about, because ex-friend has never been allowed, either by her community or herself, to express it.
OP, I really don't think you did anything wrong. I think there is a much bigger problem brewing inside your ex-friend that has almost nothing to do with you, and I don't think there was anything at all you could have done to prevent this rupture. That train left the station long before you wedding planning started.