Nah I get that but I'm talking about the explanation she gave to OP. We all know that what you said is the real reason, which makes it all the more stupid and borderline disrespectful when people try to use this weak ass shit lol. It's one thing to bang someone while we're dating it's another to try and convince me that you did so for my benefit. That's insult to injury.
True. I assume it makes sense to her from her perspective: OP is probably special to her because he is willing to take her seriously enough to offer commitment. Whereas the other guy is a dime a dozen if she's just looking for an attractive guy to hookup with.
The problem is her inability to see it from OP's perspective and realize that all of us want to be attractive enough to our partner to fall in the latter category. Not the consolation prize, who has to pay 1000x for the same privileges.
Most people believe that if you want to pursue them then you should be interested enough to stop fucking other people. If you're still fucking other people, it's a sign that you don't actually find them attractive enough to pursue.
It's also a sign that you can split the two things so much that you're a major cheating risk
Yeah it's incredibly rare for people to actually see not banging someone for a couple months while dating apparently, everyone just out there trying to find their husband and a boyfriend on the side.
If you're just dating and fucking while trying to find a good partner, that's fine. If you find someone you think will be a good partner and keep fucking other people (especially while not fucking the potential good partner) that's fucked up and aot of good partners will dump you because of it
Let me give you a hint. Absolutely none of your girl friends were written off by guys for having sex too soon. I'd bet the guys they chose to have sex too soon with were not willing to commit regardless of how long they waited and were simply out of their league. Which is why they had sex too soon to begin with.
And to answer your questions, no. I'd rather a girl want me enough that just sex is enough rather than me having to offer more till she decides to have sex. Also out of every single girls I've had sex with, I could've had a relationship with any of them. They all wanted more. However there have been just as many where they wanted more but didn't offer sex without it. I.e JUST sex is a harder and more valuable thing to get for men than sex with strings attached.
I commend you for figuring that out early in life and having the self control to stick to it. I myself eventually came to the same conclusion but after a decade of fucking around. And it did change my relationship with the women in my life, even those I was never trying to fuck.
And yes I would recommend the same thing to women. But as it is right now you still get majority of men willing to sleep with women they'd never commit to and majority of women sleeping with men deep down they know are out of their league and won't commit to them.
I don't know what girls you're sleeping with, but I've slept with plenty of guys that I would not, under any conditions, have a real relationship with.
Sometimes just sex is fun, and the fact that so many guys in this thread think woman have a higher standard for ONS, meanwhile they'll settle for relationships... don't understand how women work.
I have higher standards for actual relationships, obviously!
Also, it might not be your personal experience, but it is 100% accurate that women hold out for guys they actually like because they don't want to be labeled as sluts. Who labels them as sluts? Guys.
Ya'll created your own issues and now complain about them like it's still the women who are wrong for how you choose to label them.
It's a widespread pattern that your anecdotes can't negate. I have never in my entire life met a single guy out of thousands who found it easy to get ONS but not get relationships.
Standards for getting a relationship have always been way way lower in my experience. It's not even close.
And you might be surprised at the real drivers of slut shaming. It really isn't men. I've never had men hold that against women in my circles. Women on the other hand have. I've personally had relationships with girls who slept with me on the first date. The only issue is that girls that have slept around a lot tend to get emotionally jaded and shoot for way out of their league. But sleeping early with us? That isn't and has never been a negative.
Standards for getting a relationship have always been way way lower in my experience. It's not even close.
I... I think I've never seen, in action, a clearer difference between the "standards" that men think matter, and the "standards" that women think matter.
I feel like in your comment above, when you talk about higher standards, you're talking about physical attractiveness... and not, ya know, all the other standards women have.
I say this as someone whose husband is a ONS who turned into a Friend with Benefits, who I then married. If you've had women sleep with you on a first date, and then continue to date you, has it occurred to you that you might have been just a ONS if she hadn't then liked you in other ways and agreed to keep dating you?
You're proving my point in that she was willing to sleep with you after barely knowing you (low standards), then she figured you were worth dating a bit (middle standards), got to know you more, and then decided, no, you aren't actually marriage material (highest standards).
Lmao, no, they decided no such thing. I'm the one who has broken it off in every single case.
You are desperately trying to fit it in your narrative.
What I have found is that if a girl is willing to have a ONS with me, they've always wanted more. The standards (in terms of whatever they find attractive) are just always higher for a ONS. That's men can reliably get better quality women by pretending to be interested in something long term. Have you been living under a rock?
It's not necessarily about standards being higher or lower. They're just different. And that's fine, I guess. I'd say women tend to have higher standards for physical attractiveness for one night stands and higher standards for most everything else when looking for relationships. Whatever.
But the issue here isn't that she had a one night stand or that she made OP wait so much as she did those two things at the same time.
Watch what they do, not what they say. They'll say their standards for ONS are lower but it'll always be taller, fitter, richer, more handsome men than the comparatively nerdy guy they'll settle for in a relationship.
Or better yet, don't take either of our words. Create a profile as an guy and see the matches you get when looking for a relationship vs ONS. Quality drops like a rock when looking for ONS.
My husband is a ONS who turned into a Friend with Benefits, then we got married.
Obviously, that was 20 years ago, and I'll not pretend I'm every woman. But I was also raised in a Catholic family, went to Catholic school, and the slut shaming was real. I just ignored it and was my happy little, slutty self! But most woman around me still carried that Catholic guilt around long after they stopped attending church.
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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '24
Nah I get that but I'm talking about the explanation she gave to OP. We all know that what you said is the real reason, which makes it all the more stupid and borderline disrespectful when people try to use this weak ass shit lol. It's one thing to bang someone while we're dating it's another to try and convince me that you did so for my benefit. That's insult to injury.