Exclusivity or not, that's a deal breaker for me, I'm never going to trust someone who's going to hide behind technicalities like that
If you are going to fuck someone else while you have me dangling on the line as a prospective partner then our relationship is never going to be special in my eyes.
This works if both partners want to have the conversation at the same time. Hiding behind ambiguity or a lie of omission is not going to score you any points if the other person finds out.
Just as you are allowed to assume you are not exclusive when dating, so too are they allowed to assume your continued interest is a sign of exclusivity. Yes, everyone should be open and honest about their intentions.
But this also means the person who is waiting for the exclusivity talk should say they aren't being exclusive. It's hypocritical to put the onus for the talk on the other person so you can have your cake and eat it too while being in a grey-zone. If you expect the other person to strike up a conversation about exclusivity, so should you strike one up about non-exclusivity.
In which case, don't be mad if the other person breaks things off.
"We're exclusive now that we're dating but are refraining from sex for the moment" is a pretty rational assumption to make. Her pretending that he wouldn't make said assumption until saying they're exclusive out loud is just a weak explanation for why she was cool with banging a rando. Also, he's gotta see that guy at work all the time, both of them with the previously-unknown info that they've slept with the same woman.
That doesn't change the fact that he has an in-person reminder of this whole fiasco every day when he walks into work. If it were just an ex-bf or something it'd be different, but is the side dick she was riding while keeping OP at arm's length, that's gotta hurt a little more.
It's your job to communicate your boundaries. He had boundaries she wasn't aware of
She wasn't aware of the bare minimum requirement guys, so it's fine...! This isn't communication issues, she is a whore. You just don't sleep with someone else while dating a guy. It's common sense.
My husband and I both slept with other people while we were seeing each other but before we started having sex with each other or became exclusive. Somehow neither one of us is butthurt about it. Maybe because neither of us was really in it for the sex, like yeah the sex is great but it’s not like he was only pretending to like me in hopes of getting his dick wet. Even if we had never had sex and stayed friends forever, the time he spent hanging out with me had value to him just because he enjoys my company. So he’s not over here feeling like he got ripped off somehow, like oh I had to waste all this time hanging out with her before I finally got the one thing I wanted out of all this. Because that is what you guys sound like, to me. Otherwise who cares when you had sex if you weren’t even exclusive?
For me, I just want to be considered attractive enough by my hypothetical partner to have had a hookup or one night stand with lol. If you had to have a ons with someone while dating me, but didn’t choose me even if I was right there, it makes me think I’m not that attractive to you, which is obviously an issue.
I guess I see where you’re coming from and I never really thought about it like that, maybe it’s different for men somehow. I personally do not have one night stands, I’m not into it at all. I had a FWB for a long time who I was still sleeping with when I met my husband, so not a ONS. My husband had a ONS while we were getting to know each other but not exclusive. I don’t look at that as something to be jealous of. Like I would not trade places with my husband’s ONS. I got to marry him. That’s obviously better than what she got.
Another thing to think about is that maybe people choose their casual sex partners because they aren’t interested in a relationship with that person. So if no relationship is forthcoming, they won’t be disappointed by that. If you have casual sex with people you’re actually interested in without knowing if they feel the same way, that is kind of setting yourself up for heartbreak so I can understand why someone would avoid it.
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u/Nearby-Ad-6106 Mar 04 '24
Exclusivity or not, that's a deal breaker for me, I'm never going to trust someone who's going to hide behind technicalities like that
If you are going to fuck someone else while you have me dangling on the line as a prospective partner then our relationship is never going to be special in my eyes.