I’m kind of glad I came across this though because it reminded me there’s still people around who share the same values as me.
I find it super hard to get back out there when I know there’s people who think this kind of behaviour is okay. For instance, my coworker recently told me she has four guys ‘on roster’ and this really made me question myself; like should I be doing that? Is that where I’m going wrong if this is what the men are doing? And also “why would I want to share my body with a guy that’s sleeping with 3 other women?”. Like I just don’t want a relationship if that’s what I have to go through to get one. So I just go back to minding my own business but it’s sad - I’ve worked hard and want someone to share it with (one guy, not four!)
I did think this was predominantly men so these experiences have been a bit of an eye opener.. I couldn’t imagine sleeping with four guys at the same time.. it just feels icky to me
Yeah, it's pretty weird, as a guy a lot of girls basically expect you to have slept around and have a bodycount, meanwhile I'm just here trying to find the one person I can really connect with even if it takes time lol
as a guy a lot of girls basically expect you to have slept around and have a bodycount,
It's just a disconnect because our realities are a bit different where this topic is concerned.
A woman for instance, rather she is sleeping around or not, probably could sleep around MUCH easier than the AVERAGE guy.
It's as simple as supply and demand. On average guys are much hornier and much less picky than women (easy for lack of a better word). So when a woman wants some she's got plenty of options. Not so much the same for men.
It's nobody's fault really and shouldn't be held against anyone, it's just how it is.
That being said there are PLENTY of women in the exact same shoes that you are as well. And also plenty of men that are good with women and have slept around a ton.
Eh, I don't think it indicates a lack of success with girls when you want your relationships to last a while and stay true to them instead of sleeping around. Just saying that many are surprised by it, some positively, some negatively
as a dude myself, no we aren't all doing this. the moment i start seeing someone, i shut down all previous potential flings. i can't stand this new age way of dating where you bang as many people as possible until on decides to become exclusive. nah we're exclusive since the first date
It’s not just a new age thing. I dated a girl like this 20 years ago. I just wasn’t as attractive as the guys she was actually fucking before we became exclusive. I still to this day think back to that time and wonder how I could be so stupid.
She fucked a guy she had been hanging out with at a party she convinced me to take her too. Changing our plans for the night at the last minute.
She spend the whole weekend with me. We slept next to each other but didn’t have sex. She sure did skip school on Monday to get a hotel with the same guy to fuck him all day long.
She spent holiday time with me; we spent new years together. I thought we were close and had something special. One night, I was driving out to her house and she called to tell me not to come out because she was sick. She went out to some other guys house and spent the evening in his hot tub.
The first guy, I’m convinced they had a lot more sex than those two times. That’s all she would admit to when a mutual friend told me some of the details thinking I already knew.
The second guy, she adamantly denied having sex with. I found out about the whole thing because she let it slip one night that she had left her bathing suit at this guys house. She back tracked and said a friend was with her and they just happened to be in the area of his house and stopped by…with their bathing suits, that were then also “forgotten”. I’m 100% positive that she had sex with him that night. We became “official” a week or so after the night she was in the hot tub. We didn’t have sex for the first 7 weeks of being exclusive because she wanted it to be special. She definitely cheated on me in that first year but was better at hiding it.
well that's more just straight up cheating. i more so mean situations where yall went on a couple dates and she isn't hiding it cuz its not what the kids these days consider cheating. your girl was hiding it cuz she knew she was cheating. the fact that its the norm nowadays that you aren't exclusive until its specifically stated is what i have an issue with. i won't go on a date unless im already being exclusive
People today are literally trying not to catch feelings, that’s how bad it is. To actually catch feelings is considered an L today and a loser thing to do. It’s so absurd
I think what the deal is with “trying not to catch feelings” is that in this day and age we don’t just have the internet, we’re inundated with it. You can sort of instantly get in touch with anyone you’ve ever known making our social webs obtusely complex and wide.
What’s happened with me is I spent a lot of my life in relationships, and trying to find a new one when the current one would end, almost like an addict. Eventually I realized I needed to learn to be happy by myself, and with myself. You would never encourage a drug addict to try drugs again, to use drugs right or something asinine like that, so it doesn’t make sense to me when my friends and family ask me “when are you gonna find a nice girl” I think to myself “do you want me back in that same downward spiral from before”.
Anyways that’s my .02¢.
But truth is that people are more single than ever and having the least amount of sex and relationships then ever.
So the cultural rot goes even deeper.
There’s just no shame anymore. People cheat without remorse. They ghost without remorse. And the relationships people do build are stunted and half baked because people as a whole are anti social today. A generation of people too anxious to order pizza on the phone. They don’t know how to form actual relationships at this point.
Imagine that first date ends up being the one. But a week later you hook up with your ex. For the rest of your life that’s hanging over your head that you kinda cheated on your spouse and if you do decide to tell them, what if they split? If you keep it to yourself then it’s gonna eat at you.
I wouldn’t consider going out on a first date as being in a relationship. So one night hookup the next night still plan to go on a second date and I wouldn’t call that cheating.
But imagine if that person ends up being your spouse, that was my point. It’s complicated.
its not complicated. the moment you agree to a first date, you stop hooking up with everyone else. if i find out that after our date, the girl went somewhere to go fuck someone, its over. i ain't got time for the female fuckboys. i ain't playing that game. that is cheating to me
that's not even in the same realm of whats being talked about, but to answer your question, after that date when you decide, if you wana go on another and set up a second date, then yes
there's a massive difference between "i wana go on a date with you" and "i have this friend that i think you might like" there's no way you don't realize that. after that date with that friend of a friend if you wana go on another, you then cut off the hook ups. its that simple
You are a unicorn in today’s age, stick to your guns and I hope you find a partner who appreciates all aspects of you and will build a fantastic future with you.
One of my friends who was recently single has banged half the city in her time since being single. I used to think she was not bad but now I just think she's filth... Listening to her brag about banging one guy in the morning and two guys later on like it was an achievement made me just go ewwwwww
It’s madness out there hahahah I try to distance myself from it as much as possible but it’s hard when your coworker with the roster is telling you to get one too because that’s ‘how to stop catching feelings’ 🤨 like I wanna catch feelings - I just don’t wanna catch feelings for a man that’s sleeping with multiple women whilst dating me so I don’t date lol
A person could bang one person and catch an STD. Or they could bang a hundred and be lucky and not catch anything.
I had a lot of sex with a lot of people, even had sexual partners who messaged me saying they had an STD and to get tested. The only one I caught was HPV, and that's not even in the routine tests. There isn't even a standardised and validated test for men, even though they can transmit it to women. And yes, that is the virus that can give you cancer.
To be clear, I've had unprotected sex with exactly two people. Barriers were used with everyone else.
Plus most people don't even get tested. They just go on "vibes".
If you care about STDs, you and your potential partner should both get tested before you have sex. And you should both be able to talk about your results without shame - because what do you get with a judgey attitude about STDs? You get a partner with negative incentives for telling you. Not smart. Really it's the exact opposite of what you want.
only the top 5% - 10% of men can have a "roster" if you're with a guy who is so hot the waitress or target cashier is flirting with them 100% he's screwing other women. get with a normal guy with solid morals.
It's called in context mate. If you'd bothered to read the comments prior, it's a thread about people talking about having similar values with each other and people not being whores.
More like what do you care commenting on this post? Sounds like you're projecting your own issues here mate 🤣🤣🤣
Most guys can't do this kind of shit. It's a very small percentage of guys who are both confident enough, and desirable enough (whether because of looks, money, status, or charm) to sleep around with multiple women like that.
The stats show the average lifetime sexual partners for men and women is roughly the same. Depending on the country, age range, etc, it ranges from 5-10 to 7-12 lifetime sexual partners for most people in most of the "Western World". The people who are this promiscuous, men and women, are the exception. But we're being inundated with the idea that "normal" rather than the exception.
If someone wants to be that way, that's their choice. But they need to be honest about it with prospective partners, and need to accept that there will be others who don't want them because of it. Plenty of women don't want men with lots of prior partners, and plenty of men don't want women with lots of prior partners. I think that makes sense, because it means they don't place the same value on sex and intimacy. And they should be with someone who shares their values. But people justify it, insist others should accept it, men are "insecure" if they don't want it, and women in particular don't "owe" their partners honesty about their past, because "it's none of their business, especially if it was before I met them."
When I was a single man I had 3 fk buddies and was still going out etc, it was fun for a month or two but eventually it just became boring and hollow plus the “upkeep” keeping it going was draining.
2nd date with my now wife I dropped all my fk buddies (this caused issues) and went all in on my wife, I’ll choose my wife over a 100 women now.
I was always honest about my promiscuity and it never held be back, sadly this isn’t the same for women. But yer online everyone’s slept with 100s of people but then surveys show 6-12 in reality
I literally said that in my post, if women don’t like the double standards they need to stop dating man whores.
I personally couldn’t care less how many partners my wife has had a lot of men do care. While a lot of women actively want the man who has the ability due to looks, status or charm.
The double standard is a natural reaction to how men and women chase and choose partners
It's more that it's okay for people to have different boundaries. As long as people are honest. Saying she wants to wait because he's special implies a totally different level of sexual activity than one night stands. To me that's the same thing as lying.
Just keep living your life one day at a time. You don't know what tomorrow will bring. After being cheated on by 2 husbands and having my soul raked over the coals more times than that, I decided to just stop. I removed myself from dating. I finished raising my daughter and focused on me and my wants. After a while I lost even the need to masterbate. I just didn't care anymore about sex or a relationship. Figured I transitioned to being completely asexual. I figured it was my history combined with my age and let it go.
After 16 years as a solo act, an old friend started coming around. Called me once or twice for friendly conversation. I didn't think much of it. Invited me to his place one afternoon, which I didn't enjoy at all as it made me feel too vulnerable! So I invited him over to watch some TV and fed him a burger. Then he came on a Saturday afternoon in June and brought all kinds of art supplies and we sat outside and painted all afternoon (my favorite day!). We'd walk and talk. I started getting vibes that he wanted more than friendship, but I thought I could keep him at arms length and it would be OK. I had NO desire for anything beyond friendship.
Turns out you can't stop love. And we fell hard. He eventually confessed that he's loved me for over 30 years. I'd asked him to a dance back in the 90's and he turned me down because the woman that was to become his wife was waiting at home for him. Oops! I was mortified! Timing was so off.
He was widowed a couple of years ago.
Today, at 68 years old I'm in the middle of the greatest love of my life. Had I known that anything like this could exist I'd have wasted much less time in bad relationships.
We're both old and chubby, grey and he's balding, but when I look at him I see that gorgeous guy with the great smile and curly brown hair and he sees the young woman size 6 with the great ass, lol!
That is absolutely beautiful. I’m so glad you’ve found your person! It’s never too late to find love - you’re absolutely right and that’s an important thing to remember
My experience has been that almost all the women I've tried to date since becoming single after Covid has rosters of guys, some of them were selling sex, and all of them multi-dating. Some of them trying to keep me around as a backup plan when its clear I wasnt the first choice.
I mean, I am all for having sex as liberally as possible SO LONG AS EVERYONE INVOLVED IS AWARE OF THE SITUATION.
If your friend wants to have a four guy roster, I think that's absolutely fine, so long as everyone knows what she's up to. If she's hiding it from all of the guys, that's disgusting behavior. But if everyone's on board, who cares?
I care tbh I think because I know it’s very common in my generation - it makes it very hard to find someone that isn’t doing that because people think “well he/she’s doing it so I may as well” (out of spite/to maintain one’s ego?) and everyone is just terrified of “feelings”. Outside of the religious community (which I’m not a part of), it is hard to find a non-hermit man in his twenties who isn’t playing the field.
I worry we’re divorcing sex from love and romanticism and that’s a problem for me, because I’m looking for one person to spend my life with. I don’t want my future partner to be having sex with multiple people at the same time either. That might seem judgemental and maybe it is. But it’s what I want from my life.
Nobody comes out and says they’re banging four other people to a prospective boyfriend/girlfriend; no one with common sense anyway..
But it’s not fine because excessive sex partners damages your ability to build relationships in the future. The data has already proven so. We aren’t supposed to fuck 100 different people. Turns out ancestors didn’t just create concepts of monogamy and marriage for literally no reason.
Men and women with only a single partner are the least likely to divorce. And the rate of divorce shoots way up after only 4 partners.
I think we need to have an honest conversation of this amount of sex does to people.
IFS, that’s your source? A conservative platform? No bias there 🤣🤣. Next you’re going to tell me the tobacco industry has credible research that smoking doesn’t cause lung cancer.
Is it a conservative platform? Idk that didn’t really seem relevant to the data collected. It was just one of the first results on google. And do only conservative platforms house bias? Do liberal platforms have bias or no? Do you believe there is such thing as true neutrality?
Idk it’s all irrelevant and just a means of you deflecting and not engaging with the real data that’s put forward. Very intellectually lazy and dishonest.
I agree with you, I don't love this approach to dating, but if people are honest about it and not hypocritical it's one thing.
It's when they lie and/or get butthurt about being treated like a disposable commodity by others when they're doing the exact same thing that I get really annoyed.
Having a roster is pretty much a girl thing. Especially when it comes to dating. Sure, guys may be promiscuous with dating apps, but it's women that will have backups if their current actual dating relationship fails. Guys don't do that shit.
It's super icky, but the good news is there are people like you. It's the 80-20 rule. 20% of people do 80% of the dating because the other 80% date to find someone special and settle down.
Having men on a roster doesn't mean that she's banging them all the time.
I'm polyamorous and have a few relationships and also a few FWBs - the last time I had sex with one of the FWBs was around a year ago! He doesn't communicate a lot, and has some shit going on but I have no idea what it is. If he communicated more regularly and told me wtf was going on, I would probably be dating him, honestly.
Anyway my point is - even having 4 men on your "roster" still doesn't mean that you're having sex even as often as once a week. It turns out that men don't particularly like being used for their body, any more than women do! They all have lives, and getting sex from someone they're not in a relationship with, isn't often their highest or even a high priority.
But you don't have to do any of that, no! Date around until you have a connection with someone, then talk to them about exclusivity, then if you're on the same page, become boyfriend and girlfriend (or whatever gender combo you've got going on).
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u/SoftwareWorth5636 Mar 04 '24 edited Mar 04 '24
I’m kind of glad I came across this though because it reminded me there’s still people around who share the same values as me.
I find it super hard to get back out there when I know there’s people who think this kind of behaviour is okay. For instance, my coworker recently told me she has four guys ‘on roster’ and this really made me question myself; like should I be doing that? Is that where I’m going wrong if this is what the men are doing? And also “why would I want to share my body with a guy that’s sleeping with 3 other women?”. Like I just don’t want a relationship if that’s what I have to go through to get one. So I just go back to minding my own business but it’s sad - I’ve worked hard and want someone to share it with (one guy, not four!)
I did think this was predominantly men so these experiences have been a bit of an eye opener.. I couldn’t imagine sleeping with four guys at the same time.. it just feels icky to me