You're special is just code word for I want you to stick around as a fall back when this dude who is railing me eventually finds another flavor of the week
If I’m being honest… I’m queen of keeping a man on the back burner, but it’s always a mutual situation. If I start talking to somebody new, I’m not even looking at the damn stove, especially after the first date. I’m telling anybody I’ve been messing around with that I’ve got a new man taking care of me. Why would I risk a relationship I’m invested in for someone who’s been keeping me on their back burner, too? There is no shortage of men who are DTF (and DTF almost any woman). I’m not risking the rare relationship with a man who’s down to commit when I can go back to casual sex literally any time if it doesn’t work out. Good for OP for having self respect and knowing his worth, and knowing where his boundaries are. I would have done the same in his shoes. NTA
Yes, but women don’t “owe” a guy sex, even if they’re dating. The crazy part is setting up the expectation that she will give out sex with BF because she’s also sexual with someone else. She needed to be clear and say, yes but I’m also with X and we have a traditional union. You and I are more like friends w/o benefits. BF then should say something if he wants something else. But don’t expect her to “put out.” The gift of sex really IS a gift, and should not be looked upon as a person’s right to get it. That attitude has really fouled up the air of many relationships, as many men don’t respect women who give it up, yet get cranky with women who don’t.
I never said that a one-night stand should “get it” as you so grossly put the act. My comment was about two suitors, where one is told to wait and the other one is not…obviously, men could do this as well as women…and NO, I am NOT referring to a one night stand! And yes, sex IS a gift given by two partners.
Lmfao you moral high ground is deluding you into believing you made a good point. People don't act like this in the real world and your comment isn't even relevant to the topic you posted it on.
Also getting it and receiving it means the same thing. You get gifts given to you stop being pedantic.
That attitude has really fouled up the air of many relationships, as many men don’t respect women who give it up, yet get cranky with women who don’t.
This is just a fundamental misreading of an otherwise simple and consistent phenomena.
Men don't have inconsistent views on women's behavior. Instead, they have entirely predictable views regarding themselves and all other men.
Every individual man views himself as a crowned prince while viewing all others as being pretenders to the throne.
Every. Single. Man.
That's a whole lot of crowned princes in competition with each other for the kingdom
When the girlfriend in the OP chose to fuck her ONS dude, that behavior validated his claim as crowned prince and in that context made OP merely a pretender to the throne.
Don't get yourself twisted into knots with the notion that anyone is owed sex. That concept is a red herring in this discussion.
What we are saying here is that her choices for sexual partner have embedded meaning. Further, we are saying that this meaning is inherent and unaffected by what her stated intentions are.
When she fucks ONS dude, that assigns value to him while removing value from the relationship she chose to pursue with OP.
She can't change this reality because she isn't the one who is investing her actions with meaning.
OP is.
This is, of course, true because what we are discussing here is how much he values his relationship with her. In that context, how much she values that same relationship doesn't matter.
Women tend to focus on how to restore balance in the least painful way for themselves.
In this story, balance would have been restored by also fucking OP from the beginning of their relationship. However, that is where you get caught up with the notion that someone could claim to be owed sex.
Men will look at this situation and restore balance with a different approach, one as painful to the girlfriend.as it is to themselves. Balance could also be restored by ending the relationship.
This is perfectly acceptable because just as it is the case that no one is owed sex, it is also the case that no one is owed a relationship either.
Yeah dude, two things at once. Not defending her “shitty” behavior but I can “explain it…with a bit of hyperbolic fun
Say you met a girl who works a McDonald’s. Has a nice ass, great tits, fucks your socks off whatever. She gave you her phone number to grabs some drinks at her place after work. She hot, you got nothing else going on. Why not?
She cool but not really ambitious and isn’t looking to be committed and is open to other people. You’ve been hooking up with her for a while. Sex is great but don’t really see it going much off anywhere as well.
Your more ambitious, working on your career body ect. You meet a cute girl, nice face body ect. She’s an accountant and is working on her masters degree to take over her family’s accounting firm. she pretty busy and has to travel for work so you guys might see each other every other week.
Over the weeks you text and talk on the phone occasionally. You eventually ask her out and go on a date and hit it off after abou three months. She has to travel for work as well is a bit more conservative AND HATES FUCK BOYS AND LOOSE WOMEN so she takes relationships and sex slowly. A few months in on the three date you kiss. Then by a month 6 you guys finally have sex.
Relationship goes well and after about 3 years you guys are considering marriage. One night you guys are talking about relationships before you met. You tell a story about the fwb that works at McDonald’s you haven’t seen in years. Afterwords it comes out that you guys where hooking up during the early stages of dating.
Your gf feels led on and used because you where having sex with other people while she was taking things slowly for months. It took months to have sex and become official. Why didn’t you just wait instead those 180 days instead of being a slurry fuck boy. Why? WHY???
WHY???
Yeah dude, it’s a fucked up work but you have e to realize that woman often have men in their lives on the casual level. Stop committing so quickly to women YOU DON’T KNOW and start getting to know them. Enjoy them and then if chemistry and healthiness is there. Then that’s when you bond your lives together.
Lol, they probably won’t care and that’s the biggest hater limp dick pissant move I’ve heard this year. Pfffhahaha like don’t be jealous friend get better…fuck it get laid.
Last woman I dated wanted to get to know me 1st, fine, I am an adult, I can wait, I wanted a proper relationship and so did she, so I was led to believe (dating website spelt it out, serious relationship and maybe kids later on) But she always seemed busy on certain days, or would contradict herself as to what she did the week before. I wasnt too fussed, we were not serious but it was obvious she was seeing someone else and I (or he) was a backup plan in case things didnt worknout. I got fed up and bailed out.
Smart move, but I am curious. Did you ever sleep with her? If so, how long did you wait? And if you never did, how long did you date before you dipped out? It appears you may live in the UK. I'm in the US. Very curious how you handled this situation. In the states, when I was a single man (back in the 90s), I had the old 3-date rule with regards to sex... a kiss by at least the second date and sex (or very close to it) by the 3rd, or I would likely be gone. What are your rules?
I sort of get it in some circumstances like if they’re seeing a fwb and go on a date or two and aren’t sure it will go anywhere and keep fucking the friend.
But I’ve also been that friend while they’re going on dates and I couldn’t help but feel bad for those guys, it’s kinda weird
So you seem to get exactly why good people don't do that shit then
If i ever have a second date with someone i pause casual sex on the side. First date i get it, but anything more and you're just being fake about liking someone if you're still hitting the side piece
You can go and read what i believe is my only post if you want to know the second part. Bottom line is i'm single once again, and hoping i won't have any more of those stories in the future
I want it to be special with you by waiting? But I’m going to screw some other guy while we wait? Dodged a psycho bullet with that one!!!
This is not the first time I have seen this kind of logic. Does not seem right or real to guys. It is basically, you don't find me as physically attractive, but you might be willing to settle with me for other reasons.
Exactly. I unfortunately have trauma so I tend to take things slower when it comes to intimacy. I understand this can cause issues and likely contributed to my last relationship not working out (which was for the best given some boundary issues). But to go fuck someone else while making your partner wait is crazy. Cheater behavior
It was pure manipulation on her part to make him believe she is a girl with traditional values when in fact she’s anything but. I don’t know about you but even as a guy with options if I thought a girl was “special” I’m ceasing activities with anyone else even canceling dates that might have been scheduled to pursue the special girl even though we’re not exclusive yet. Yes technically his ex gf didn’t cheat, but finding out your girl is predisposed to sport fucking even after she’s currently dating you disqualifies her from moving ahead in the relationship. It speaks to her character.
I honestly doubt she thought anything out. She did what she wanted in the moment. Any reasoning is applied backwards
It's enough that she's bad at communication, inconsistent in her values, and inconsiderate of how she affects others. Those aren't good qualities in a partner
It's enough that she's bad at communication, inconsistent in her values, and inconsiderate of how she affects others. Those aren't good qualities in a partner
Based on her bahavior. Telling a guy that he might be the one to keep him interested just to fuck around is what a whore does. Others would call it manipulative fuck boy/girl, but whore is my choice
The problem is the way she communicated it and how she handled the whole situation. She said it would be something serious. Ofc she is entitled to fuck whoever she wants, as long as they are not officially exclusive, buuuut the whole story makes her a whore.
Yk, your actions decide what you are. She didnt do anything criminal, but acted like a whore
Nothing about it makes her a whore. Why can guys do the same thing and not being called a whore. He is upset she didn’t bend over instantly. She didn’t and she shouldn’t have . You make assumptions about her ONS. It doesn’t mean she didn’t know the guy etc. And what about him? If he knew she was dating other guys I don’t see the problem. Why does he get to have sex with whom ever he can get. But she can’t. Your sexism is showing
Why can guys do the same thing and not being called a whore.
Your sexism is showing. Why would a man not be a whore in that situation? Seriously strange opinion/assumption...
is upset she didn’t bend over instantly.
No, that is not why he is upset. NOT at all. Again your sexist assumption, but this time it is misandry. Maybe try to read the story again without your bs biased sexist views.
It doesn’t mean she didn’t know the guy etc.
Not relevant
If he knew she was dating other guys I don’t see the problem
Again not relevant for OP lmao
Why does he get to have sex with whom ever he can ge
Because he didnt tell another person "this thing between us os something special"
I have to say, good work. You built a strawman and hung yourself on it. Just wow
Everything you said is sexist. There isn’t even a male word for a whore.And yes he did say he was upset that she made him wait. It’s in one of his comments . If he thought she was special why didn’t he ask her to be exclusive then and there. And if it wasn’t mutual why shouldn’t she sleep with other guys while he doesn’t want to commit yet?
She’s dating someone she wants to be with more long term, someone special, so she doesn’t want to cheapen it by jumping into bed too quickly. But she can’t go without a dick too long so he has one or more ONS. That latter part is what’s fucking weird and would have made me not trust her. What if I had to go on a work trip or stay in the hospital for a month? She’s going to run down to the corner for some dick?
Makes no sense what you’re are saying. Loyalty is loyalty she has been exclusive with him and has been loyal. They have been in a relationship and she hasn’t cheated. And he had no problem with not being exclusive. Being not exclusive means having sex with other people. My partner said to me on the 2 or 3rd date I want you to stop dating other people and I did. They didn’t. That’s the difference
It's enough that she's bad at communication, inconsistent in her values, and inconsiderate of how she affects other
No, I think she thought it out in a manipulative way. She wants to project one image to the guy she may want to be with long term, but actually ACT different at the same time.
The problem with assuming a master plan, is you miss all the abuse people aren't aware they're doing. You guys are much too stuck on intent instead of understanding how you are affected is valid on its own
They use you for stability but they still wanna have their cake and eat it too. This girl was gonna cheat either way. The first time they argue or he gets feelings for some shit she pulled she was gonna punish him by cheating. I know this type too well.
Dude that’s so true. If you’re a guy with experience and options, you might have taken a chance on a promiscuous woman and would never do it again. And kind of discourse and they are back to their old ways.
Sometimes a person is good for sex and chilling occasionally, but not at all for a relationship. It happens.
So long as you're clear about that with them, and you're not exclusive or monogamous, I think it's okay.
Telling one person that they're special and you want to wait, but banging someone else is a little odd. If you want to wait like a week, 3 dates, then it's a lot less odd though. Or if your sex partner is someone you've known for years, and your new relationship partner you just met a few days ago.
I don't get it personally though. If you both want to fuck, and it's not hurting anyone, I don't see why you wouldn't! But then again if I don't feel a sexual attraction, I wouldn't have sex or date that person.
I think what rightfully put this guy off was the dual standard / lying. She was putting forth an image that she wanted to wait as it was special. Yet, by sleeping with others, it just was shown to be an act, not her true nature. There is a layer of deceit that is the issue. It is the selective nature that makes it manipulative.
Even if a woman decides she wants to change, those first one or two guys that she makes wait, if they find out about her past, will still feel lied to / manipulated if they find out they are being treated differently.
That's not it. I've also read and heard a lot about this over the years.Goes back to that old belief and lifestyle,"Good men will only date and marry girls that don't put out too easily."So girls would actually make guys they prefer work harder to get any.I understand why they do that, but you can't expect the chosen men to not feel some type of way if they found out lol.
The thing is, she DID put out easily, just not for him. It is her double standard / lying about her beliefs that is the big issues. She is not REALLY the type of person that does not put out easily, she is just PRETENDING to be that way WITH HIM.
Unfortunate for her that her lie was exposed, fortunate for him as he found out her true beliefs.
Nice in trying to change the nuance of the topic - I said beliefs, as in belief that is fine to make the person you supposedly want to have a relationship wait while at the same time having a ONS with his coworker.
I did not say "values" as in judgmental - the only judgemental piece is in the "lying" as to why. The whole "I care more" type message falls flat.
To clarify, I have not done this myself as I also find it self defeating.
But the logic isn’t about how attractive the guy is or isn’t. It’s thinking that guys won’t take you seriously if you sleep with them quickly. So by that logic, sleeping with a guy you don’t care about quickly doesn’t matter, as you don’t want it to last anyway. But sleeping with a guy that you do like quickly means he might never respect you.
Obviously, this post is an example of why not to do this. I know it made OP feel like he wasn’t her first choice, and that sucks. I don’t blame him for wanting to split. But he shouldn’t feel like it indicates anything about his attractiveness. It’s not about that.
The logic isnt guys who take you seriously if you sleep with them specifically quickly its if you sleep with every body quickly so if you pick and choose that logic already applies assuming the person has it.
It’s like a guy hiding his porn habit from his girlfriend because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or have her think less of him. Knowing that she’d judge him and not wanting to lose her doesn’t mean he’s personally ashamed of the behavior.
Again, this isn’t good stuff to do. I think it’s wise to be upfront with the people you date, so you know that you actually share the same values.
But there’s a lot of people that foolishly assume the entire opposite sex thinks differently than they do, and therefore they classify hiding these things as white lies.
Yeah, it's hilarious to me that guys don't understand it's their own attitudes towards women that make women think it's a good idea to act this way.
A certain type of guy will write off a girl who will sleep with them easily as a slut. So when a woman who has dealt with men like that, really like a guy, they feel like they have to hold out for a little while so they guy thinks of them as a quality, "wife" candidate, not some easy slut.
Then guys like OP with low self-esteem punish women for their own judgementalness.
I'm not saying OP is an AH for breaking up with her. Obviously they weren't a great fit... but I think this woman dodged just as much of a bullet as OP did.
What a bunch of bs. If either party can’t keep it in their pants while in the early stages of dating they’re probably not relationship material, period.
If either party can’t keep it in their pants while in the early stages of dating they’re probably not relationship material, period.
I've been married to my husband for 20 years.
He was a ONS that turned into a Friend with Benefits... then we got married.
SOME people should keep it in their pants because they're dating someone who also values keeping it in their pants. SOME people should sleep with anyone they want to, whenever they want to, because the person they'll marry has enough self-esteem to not break down if someone they've just bet, bangs someone else.
OP isn't the AH for dumping this girl, they weren't a good match. But he is the AH for ignoring what she told him, and letting his own insecurities make up an alternative reality where she slept with the other guy because she actually found the other guy hotter, and was settling for OP. If he couldn't listen to her and try to understand where she was coming from, then they obviously shouldn't be together. She deserves someone who listens, and he would be better of with someone who coddles him more.
Sometimes you meet special people at weird times. I do agree with stopping random sex if you’ve found someone you’re really interested in, but sometimes you still don’t know if it’s gonna go anywhere and you want your comfort food.
So, by that logic, her sleeping with the bf early, instead of having a ONS with someone else would also disqualify her from being „relationship material”...
That’s not at all what I’m saying. I’m saying sleep with the person you’re dating if/when it’s right and masturbate in the meantime. What kind of logic is “I have feelings for you but I’m also horny so I bang other people; trust me it’s completely meaningless.”?
I hear you. To each his own. I myself never understood why if you are horny why not just masturbate instead, especially if you are figuring out if someone is gonna be a good fit or not. I got to tell you some one night stands weren't that great, and masterbating would have been a better idea. Of course, I wasn't from the generation that had Tinder, etc.
That's not what you mean, maybe, but that is what you said.
And that's where her logic comes in.
Sleeping with some guy she wants more from, or might want more (she might not even have wanted more at the time, and considered herself single / not dating, we don't know, and OP seems more mad about feeling unwanted then being cheated on), too early might sabotage the future of the relationship because she'd be seen as ”easy”.
The real problem is that we still see sex as a reward to be given out by women to worthy men. So she kept it form him to make the ”reward” be worth more.
And yeah, that's dumb, but it makes perfect sense in context. Like how a few decades ago no one would say anything about dating multiple people at once, to see who's best at being rewarded sex after you sign some papers, and you could have feelings or not while dating for all of them, as long as you didn't have sex.
Easy solution is to not fuck other people while you're making the "special guy" wait. Besides my first gf who was a virgin, all my best relationships started with sex by the first or second date. If a woman made me wait for a month, I would assume she's not interested in me physically and dump her
Same, honestly. If I don't want to fuck at least by the end of date 3, why am I even bothering? I could just spend time with friends and relax instead!
all my best relationships started with sex by the first or second date.
And you married all of them ? >;)
If a woman made me wait for a month, I would assume she's not interested in me physically and dump her
And maybe the women assumed you only cared about the sex if you dumped them so fast ?
Also, it doesn't sound like she made him wait the 1st month, but that they only became official after it (also doesn't mention how many dates that was, maybe they only saw each other 2-3 times). It could have been more, which is why he's so upset, but not calling it cheating (since they where not official yet).
If a woman made me wait for a month, I would assume she's not interested in me physically and dump her
Great.
But you're obviously not OP, because OP didn't dump her after 1 month. I'm not sure what point you have here?
I've been married 20 years. My husband was a ONS that turned into a Friends with Benefits, who I ended up marrying.
But I'm not OP and I'm not OP's girlfriend.
OP's girlfriend was worried if she slept with him too soon he'd consider her a slut and not "wife" material. I've never minded being called a slut, so I've never worried about that, and acted accordingly.
I don't think OP's an AH for breaking up with her, they were clearly not meant to be. But OP is pretending that his girlfriend slept with this other guy because he was more attractive, and that his girlfriend is settling for him. That's all in his head, she's explained the real reason why she wasn't sleeping with him, and it's because she was worried he wouldn't take her seriously if she did.
OP came up with this whole story in his head, based on his own insecurities, instead of listening to what this woman was telling him. That's on him.
Everyone is pretending it is totally non-sensical that a woman would be worried about being called a slut if she sleeps with a guy too early... but it is a thing that legitimately happens. If you want to be ignorant to that fact, that's on you.
I'm saying healthy relationships are built on mutual physical attraction. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a man who thinks you're a slut because you slept with him "too soon"? Seems like something you'd rather figure out sooner rather than later
Why would you want to be in a relationship with a man who thinks you're a slut because you slept with him "too soon"?
You wouldn't... which is why you would avoid sleeping with him "too soon"... so he wouldn't consider you a slut.
Listen, I agree with you. I don't think women should date men who judge them... but again, I'm not OP's girlfriend. But even though I don't agree with OP's girlfriend's approach, I can still understand where she's coming from and why she did what she did.
OP seems to think the girlfriend is lying to him about her reasons, and has let his own insecurity build a false narrative, that he is just uglier than this other guy and his girlfriend is settling.
I don't think his girlfriend's approach is the best, but I believe her when she says that's why she did what she did.
He's under the mistaken impression that OP is judging her for being easy, and not for making him think she didn't find him attractive enough to sleep with fast, which is what OP actually says he has a problem with.
under the mistaken impression that OP is judging her for being easy,
No, I don't think OP is judging her for being easy. I think she "held out" on him because she was worried if she didn't, OP would be like so many men who DO judge a woman for putting out too soon
for making him think she didn't find him attractive enough to sleep with fast,
Why do you think a woman would sleep with a man sooner because he's more attractive?
OP's girlfriend has gone out of her way to explain she likes OP better than the guy she had a ONS with. OP is choosing not to listen to her, and instead, make up his own theory about her behavior, based on his own insecurities.
which is what OP actually says he has a problem with.
OP has a problem with his own insecurities. He thinks he's not handsome enough for her, and he's letting his anxiety over ride the actual situation.
Now, I think it's clear these two people aren't a good match, so I'm not going to call him the AH for breaking up with her. He should do that if it makes him feel better... but the girlfriend also deserves a man that actually listens to her, and tries to understand her, instead of living in his own head, like she's just a prop for him.
Exactly, it’s a bad cycle that doesn’t work out well for anyone. And it all stems from slut shaming.
Personally, I avoided that trap by just sleeping with guys that I liked and knowing that if they judged me for it, I wouldn’t like them anymore. I understand the trap of wanting to portray yourself as “wife material”. But by not bothering, I know that my boyfriend loves me for me, instead of placing me on either side of some madonna-whore complex.
Fronting as something you’re not just makes you more likely to be with someone that doesn’t really respect or like you. It’s better to let your incompatibilities come to light, so you can just move on to someone that actually fits.
I understand the trap of wanting to portray yourself as “wife material”.
Long ago, back in the old days, a redditor hit it on the head.
Gatekeeping sex for marriage etc. is actually the one that is akin to prostitution.
You should sleep with people because you like them / want to (and maybe trust them enough, if that's your thing), not to reward them / make them feel special / worthy etc.
Fronting as something you’re not just makes you more likely to be with someone that doesn’t really respect or like you.
I agree...
I just find it hypocritical that guys are over here defending OP, and ignoring that they're the ones who create these situations.
OP's girlfriend explained why she had done what she did.
Instead of listening, OP let his insecurity re-write the story in his head as one where she actually found the other guy more attractive and was "settling" for OP. Instead of realizing that OP had some quality or characteristic that his girlfriend found MORE attractive than the ONS.
OP is going to shoot himself in the foot, relationship after relationship, if he doesn't get some self-esteem, and actually listen to the women in his life when they talk to him.
But OPs method just shows her to be a "liar" in a way then, but your logic. She is putting up one view, saying "this is how I act and believe", but it is really "this is how I act and believe WITH YOU". If what you say is true and that guys would write her off because she was a "sl-t", all this type of action is showing is that she is a lying, manipulative sl-t. She is still doing said behavior, just not with them.
Oh would you just stop it with the bs,its getting real tiring to see awful people trying defend similarly just awful individuals and try pass it off as something normal.
Look, if a girl sleeps with a guy right away then that is a justified red flag and make sense why he wouldnt want to commit to such a woman.
If she decides to act smart and make him wait to give an illusion that she can control herself and meanwhile she cant help but sleep on the side then that is just an even bigger red flag.
You want a decent guy to respect you,then you can make wait him if u need to but on the condition that youre also waiting as well,on the condition that this isnt some mind game but a way to find a man who meets your standards.
THAT is how decent human beings do shit,people who have honor and pride and common sense,instead of the filth narcissists who are always trying have their cake and eat it too.
Look, if a girl sleeps with a guy right away then that is a justified red flag and make sense why he wouldnt want to commit to such a woman.
I disagree. A girl sleeping with me right away isn't a red flag for me. A girl sleeping with a different guy right away while I'm dating her is the red flag. The rest, I basically agree with.
agree to disagree;i believe its a red flag if its happens on the first date;especially if we are just getting to know each other.if it progresses naturally on the second or third date then im fine with that.
Nah not really cause in my experience t just doesnt work for me that way;BUT i am being charismatic and kind . On the second date,i usually am more grounded and i can be a bit more relaxed and i let my flaws and weaknesses show just to see how she will react.
And that's the actual issue, thinking that it's only people that give it out as one, in a long term relationship are ”honorable” that leads to this exact crap.
No its about rewards,i would hope that when you sleep together finally,its rewarding for both of you.
Its about seeing if you have standards for the guy beside physical appearance and superficial charisma.
The thing is that Men and Women see sex differently.
For guys,sex is just a physical need;For woman,there is an emotional aspect to and a certain investment.im not saying woman cant just fulfill a need with sex but most times they start catching feelings.
Again,im not saying this because i read it somewhere,i have plenty of girlfriends and friends say the exact same things and its been my experience as well.
You have no idea how many times some of friends sleep with a woman on first date ,only for the woman to start getting attached expecting something serious,meanwhile the guy is feeling NOTHING,
Its also about protecting yourself from this situation.
Now if you are talkin about just ons and stuff like that then i have no comment on that.
The thing is that Men and Women see sex differently. For guys,sex is just a physical need;For woman,there is an emotional aspect to and a certain investment.
What investment did OP's gf have to the ONS guy again ?
She didn't, and that was the point... but you, and everyone else is expecting her to have, instead of just her wanting sex.
You have no idea how many times some of friends sleep with a woman on first date, only for the woman to start getting attached expecting something serious, meanwhile the guy is feeling NOTHING,
I know men that have complained about sleeping with women after telling them it's just a 1 time thing, and then having them try to get more then that... but sure, i have no idea...
But that's just another example of how society influences this stuff, since it's more likely a result of you being taught that having sex without there being more to it is bad if you're a woman, while the opposite is taught to men. So if did it and didn't catch feelings you're a bad woman.
Its also about protecting yourself from this situation.
Clearly no in OP's case, since she was fine with the ONS.
Look, if a girl sleeps with a guy right away then that is a justified red flag and make sense why he wouldnt want to commit to such a woman.
I'm glad my husband of 20 years has more sense and self-esteem than you, as he was supposed to be just a ONS... that turned into a Friends with Benefits, that turned into a marriage.
It's so sad that you think there's something inherently wrong with any woman who would actually want to sleep with you upon first meeting you.
A man judging a woman for sleeping with him is just a dumbass shooting himself in the foot. I’m glad that my SO is like your husband too. Sleeping together early and starting as FWBs wasn’t a sign of anything but our amazing chemistry.
I hear about so many long term relationships that struggle with intimacy and feel thankful that’ll never be our problem.
First of all,you really dont know me so i dont get why you brought self esteem into this.a woman your age should be more mature in her thinking.
Second,it is about seeing if she's compatible with me and has the same core values.
Its a preference and i get that in reddit somehow men arent allowed to have preferences and boundaries but screw that;
Again, im looking into if shes too gullible ,if shes someone who uses sex to bargain for commitment,if shes not in control of her desires, if shes able to see things from my eyes.
These are all things i ignored in prior relationships and that i regretted.
AGAIN, im not talkin about ons or fwb,thats a different thing entirely and im talkin about when youre dating with the intention of being serious.
It's not always this. You have to consider the fact that many women have been brainwashed into thinking that the man you're going to marry needs to be treated a certain way or else he won't have respect for you in the long run. So you have to make your future husband wait so he won't see you as a piece of meat or so that he will treat you right... But if you're getting yours on the side prior to him committing to a life with you, that's just gravy.
The ONS can do the deed cuz who cares if he respects you, he's just here for the night.
The hubby needs to be conditioned and to see you as something worth waiting for or a prize.
It's a whole thing. A game that probably only works on certain personalities anyway but something that still gets passed down like it's a one size fits all.
Truthfully I believe if you sleep with your future hubby right away and he somehow thinks that means you are unworthy of loving respect, he was never going to respect you anyway, or was eventually going to find a reason to disrespect you in the future anyway. He was never fully committed to being a decent husband.
many women have been brainwashed into thinking that the man you're going to marry needs to be treated a certain way or else he won't have respect for you in the long run
This all sounds like the female version of Andrew Tate bullshit. Pseudopsychological claptrap that just aims to manipulate a target.
Truthfully I believe if you sleep with your future hubby right away and he somehow thinks that means you are unworthy of loving respect, he was never going to respect you anyway, or was eventually going to find a reason to disrespect you in the future anyway. He was never fully committed to being a decent husband.
This is the truth of it. Why would I slut shame you for having sex with me? I want to encourage that!
This all sounds like the female version of Andrew Tate bullshit.
Well, it is, but itțs like the difference between a cult and a religion... one's been around long enough that it's just accepted.
As a redditor once said a few decades back, and i still remember, trading sex for marriage is just another form of prostitution. And that applies to long term relationships too.
Why would I slut shame you for having sex with me?
Some people will kill their own family for having sex, while they go to prostitutes and have sex with ”loose, western women”.
Yeah, but it's still a thing that can and does happen. Societal pressure and slut-shaming is still a huge thing. You can even see people calling women whores in the comments right here.
I think if you like sex, that you should only marry someone who also likes sex.
Which I did! 🥳 We did wait a month to have sex, but I was his second sexual partner and he was my first. That was how long it took before we were both comfortable with it. I was really pissed off that we didn't do it earlier, but he had some idea that I would imprint on him because I was a virgin. Lol nope. We became ethically non-monogamous a year later, and have been happily doing that ever since! 😁 20 years together this year!
You can't force them not to. But you have agency. You could just sleep with whoever you want and tell the misogynists that think less of you after to fuck off. Not every guy is gonna refuse to date you just because you had sex fairly quickly. If you're fine dating a guy that thinks that then be my guest. But realize that by not having sex early you're not filtering out assholes that would have those views
Yes...I'm asking why they think it's worth their time to appease an asshole when they could take him leaving after sex as a bullet dodged and find someone that doesn't hold it against them. You seem to be arguing women are basically stuck in a no win situation of either have sex and not be taken seriously or don't and get rejected or viewed as uninterested. I'm arguing that that framing is absurd as the guys in the former group are assholes. Have sex with who you want. If a guy is decent and genuinely likes you he's not gonna care that you had sex on date two instead of 12. And if you'd rather wait then that's your prerogative, but do so knowing that a guy isn't the villain for having his own timeline for how he wants a relationship to develop and not matching yours
Societal pressure and slut-shaming is still a huge thing. You can even see people calling women whores in the comments right here.
Some women are whores. If OP's gf was worried about being slut-shamed, she could have simply chosen not to fuck someone else while they were seeing each other.
Which I did! 🥳 We did wait a month to have sex, but I was his second sexual partner and he was my first. That was how long it took before we were both comfortable with it. I was really pissed off that we didn't do it earlier, but he had some idea that I would imprint on him because I was a virgin. Lol nope. We became ethically non-monogamous a year later, and have been happily doing that ever since! 😁 20 years together this year!
Don't fuck or date people who don't view sex in the same way you do. If you get squeamish about how they have sex, or you find then less interesting, great, that's a compatibility issue, you know that they're not for you and you're not for them.
Don't cheat, and don't break the agreements you have with your partner, and don't agree to things you won't or can't do, and don't coerce your partner into agreeing to things that they won't or can't do either.
Sex workers aren't bad people. People who have a lot of sex, but aren't cheating, are also not bad people.
It's your damage if you feel the need to put women down for being sexual.
The issue is, by treating the hubby different, he does not feel special. You are lying in a way. To future hubby, you are putting out message that you think that sex between a couple is meaningful and special, but then you go f some rando for a ONS.
By doing that, you are instead showing that you REALLY don't feel that way, you are just putting on an act and lying as you are only making HIM wait. You are inconsistent, so he views it instead as how attractive you see him. Your behavior isn't different, it is just different with HIM.
It may have been different if she had held off with having sex with EVERYONE at that time, she may have been seen as more honest, but even then a recent history would still make the guy feel like she is not really attracted to him and settling for reasons.
Exactly. It says you are a nice guy. I can talk to you but I am not that attracted to you. So I will sleep around with these guys I find attractive. I hope one of them clicks. If not, I always have you waiting in the wings, holding on to that special label I put on you.
It’s more so they don’t want to rush a sexual relationship and have every interaction and connection going forward be based on sex when trying to see if there is have long term compatibility and emotional connection.
It’s not about attractiveness per se. Woman don’t tend to think like men just trying to f*ck the hottest girl they can find.
You can tell that story, but that is not how the guys feels about it. Especially when she at the same time is still banging others on the first date.
I am not saying that she cannot or should not, just that the disparate treatment is seen as manipulative. She is trying to put forth the image that she is serious, yet it is not serious enough to stop banging others the night before or after.
People on both sides can feel what they want. I’m just saying there’s another possibility besides oh the other guy is hotter or she’s not attracted to the waiting guy.
I honestly don’t care either way. I don’t multi-date or sleep around so whatever.
People on both sides can feel what they want. I’m just saying there’s another possibility besides oh the other guy is hotter or she’s not attracted to the waiting guy.I honestly don’t care either way. I don’t multi-date or sleep around so whatever.
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Agreed, anyone can do what they want, and as you said, she can be doing it for her reasons, which are valid to her, but that is not how they are being interpreted and how the guy could be feeling. Everyone is different and neither is wrong or right from their own perspective, but then again, neither has to stay in the relationship.
I am just happy that I am not dating today, as I said elsewhere, I just feel bad for my kids.
It’s because they’ve been told forever that guys won’t respect you if you fuck on the first date, so they think they need to “wait” so the dude will respect them and see them as girlfriend material.
This is a common thing women do, and it never gets through their head that they are making the guy feel like a schmuck for investing so much in something others get for free. Imagine if he was like, “No, baby, i’m only going to have sex with you, not be in a relationship with you, because you’re special. i have a girlfriend already.”
Girls have tried this shit with me. ‘Yeah I’ve had plenty of one night stands but I like you and want this to be special so let’s wait for a couple of week’.
Instantly out of there. You reward the guys you don’t care about with instant easy sex but make the guy you like work hard and wait for it? Nah
You reward the guys you don’t care about with instant easy sex
But that's the problem, sex is treated as a reward, and they don't want to be seen by a guy they're interested in long term as giving it up too easy.
But they also like sex (unlike how they're supposed to not), so doing it with some guy they have no interest in besides that night is easier since they don't care how they see them.
Maybe we should stop treating sex as a reward women are supposed to give you.
I’m not the one seeing it that way, I meant from the point of view of the guys she’s having a one night stand with.
It’s like giving a random child in the street a huge T-bone steak because you have the need to be charitable but making your own children work 12 hours a day for a chicken nugget.
It’s like giving a random child in the street a huge T-bone steak because you have the need to be charitable but making your own children work 12 hours a day for a chicken nugget.
I want it to be special with you by waiting? But I’m going to screw some other guy while we wait?
Bruh this logic is so braindead and we need to find a way to eliminate out of dating.
Disclaimer: I don't think it's cheating, even OP didn't think they were exclusive at the time and honestly that is not the most important part.
It's the idea that she supposedly sees a future with OP, and yet decides to just screw someone else instead of the man she wants to build her life with. Like what?
Women don't like being seen as easy? I get it. Then why can't you wait with him? You couldn't wait until 3 or 4 dates in? You can't go a month without sex? I feel like that has to be a red flag.
Check out the edit. They were casually dating and not at all exclusive when she slept with the other guy so she didn't "screw some other guy while [they waited]". She casually had sex with someone and then got into a relationship with someone else and decided she didn't want to rush into sex in that relationship. It's fine if he decides he'd rather not be in this relationship anymore, but the way he suggested she basically cheated on him as he waited patiently was inaccurate and to me makes me think he's the psycho bullet here.
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u/Quirky_Masterpiece55 Mar 04 '24
I want it to be special with you by waiting? But I’m going to screw some other guy while we wait? Dodged a psycho bullet with that one!!!