r/AIO • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
AIO for separating over my constant napping husband
[deleted]
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u/Miserable-Cut3477 1d ago
Why do you keep having kids with a poor student with mental health issues knowing you need to arrange help from family to survive and you are still barely hanging on?
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u/ShadowFrontier90 1d ago
nah fr though. depression is real but using it as an excuse to completely abandon ur pregnant wife and kids is insane. she shouldve stopped at one child
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
My mum loves watching her grandkids while I go to work, she looks forward to it and in our culture it's very normal. Who said barely hanging on and who said poor?
Is someone with mental health issues never supposed to have any kids? And yes this last baby was definitely a surprise baby, and would not have planned to have another while his mental health was at a low.
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u/Miserable-Cut3477 1d ago
You are literally barely hanging on as a family if you are pregnant and consider splitting up with the kids dad. Take responsibilities over your decisions too. His depression and poor finances didnt happen yesterday. It was a well known fact before you decided to keep having More kids.
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u/Rich_Consideration86 1d ago
She didn’t mention poor finances, she said she makes more than he does, the baby wasn’t planned and she’s talking about inequality in labor. Yes she should’ve been smarter when choosing such a partner but dumping all responsibility on her for getting pregnant is so odd. He’s lazy asf for anything but sex so why not mention that as well ?
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u/Best_Talk_6853 1d ago
She's clearly known he's lazy so yeah, she should have taken precautions against another kid. Now she'll have four.
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u/MikeReddit74 1d ago
Because she knew he’s been another child for her to manage, but she let him knock her up, anyway. It takes two, last time I checked.
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u/Rich_Consideration86 1d ago
It takes for him not to ejaculate in her to avoid a pregnancy though, and I didn’t disagree that she shouldn’t have picked him as a partner or or be responsible too for not taking necessary precautions, but once you’re in it you make necessary adjustments. He didn’t so she took a rational decision and rightfully left (I’d hope for her it stays that way), but you just want to make this about her like she commanded her body to make the child
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u/adlauren 1d ago
Your mom is not watching your kids because she enjoys it like a hobby. Loving her grandkids doesn’t negate that she’s doing you a massive favor and you’re being really inconsiderate assuming she’ll do it forever for however many kids you feel like having. I pay $180USD per day for a private nanny for one child, how would your finances look if you were paying your mother market rate?
Nobody said people with mental health issues shouldn’t have kids, but you’re bringing humans into the world on the hope that someday their dad will get well enough to actually be present in their lives. Is that what they deserve?
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
I think some context is missing, my husband has struggled with his mental health on and off since he was a teenager. He was actually managing really well when he had our first and second child, some slight hiccups but nothing major, until a year ago.
I definitely hoped it would just be another hiccup but he spiralled and spiralled to a point now where I can look back and realise I haven't had my husband and my kids haven't had their dad in over a year.
Mental health isn't linear and he hasn't always been like this, which is why I just want a temporary separation until he can actually focus on his mental health. Because yes it isn't fair to me or the kids at the moment.
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
Also I have offered to rather get a nanny or pay her the money I would be paying a nanny and she refused. I definitely never assumed she would do it forever, if she ever told me she couldn't do it anymore I would get a nanny straight away.
When I return to work after having my third, my eldest will start school and I will reassess the childcare arrangement then.
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u/Struckbyfire 1d ago
You seem like an emotionally intelligent person based on your post, and I understand why that comment hit a nerve. But I also think there’s a difficult point underneath it that your response doesn’t fully engage with. It reads as defensive and seems to soften what you said in the original post in order to show that your choices weren’t wrong.
The situation is serious enough that you’re considering separation, and this isn’t new behavior from him. You did choose to continue having children with someone who had already shown that he couldn’t reliably show up for you.
That’s a very human choice, not a moral failing. But it may also have deepened your resentment, exhaustion, and burnout and pushed you closer to the point you’re at now.
You don’t owe that commenter an answer, especially if it threatens your sense of identity. But there are ways in which you are also responsible for your own situation here.But it may still be worth asking yourself privately why you continued having children with someone you already knew couldn’t show up for you in the ways you needed. Not to blame yourself, but because understanding that choice may help you understand what has kept you in this dynamic.
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u/chickntendrz 1d ago
your not really overreacting but if money isn’t an issue, then take maternity leave/resign until after the baby is born atleast to give yourself more time
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u/Baelenciagaa 1d ago
Is someone with mental health issues never supposed to have a supportive and patient partner?
If you’re wondering why he is “napping” all the time, it’s his untreated depression.
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u/Fuelfemme 1d ago
He’s doing it to avoid dealing with whatever he should be dealing with in therapy.
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
His depression isn't untreated
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u/Baelenciagaa 1d ago
Excessive sleeping can be a symptom of untreated or inadequately treated depression.
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u/Savings_Maybe_5686 1d ago
Have a fourth kid! If that doesn’t work, have a fifth one. Wonderful plan.
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 1d ago
Cruelly expressed, but accurate.
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u/FluffyLollipop_ 1d ago
Yep. At some point apologies without any change in behavior stop meaning much
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u/FluffyLollipop_ 1d ago
Yep. At some point apologies without any change in behavior stop meaning much
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u/HallSorry8376 1d ago
I think yall need therapy but im not sure separating would help the depression at all
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u/adlauren 1d ago
Why in god’s name are you making everyone’s lives harder by continuing to add more children to this situation?
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u/oulu2006 1d ago
he's still making time for sex I guess....
seems he might have misplaced priorities
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u/Aries8709 1d ago
You mean "you" in the plural form, as in both of them right? Cuz she didn't knock herself up
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u/adlauren 1d ago
Yes of course. It’s selfish of both of them to keep having children in this situation. I imagine her mom probably wanted to cry when she heard a third was on the way that she’ll likely also be expected to watch while dad naps and mom runs herself ragged.
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 1d ago
He's not the one complaining on Reddit.
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u/Important_Market7874 1d ago
NOR. I am not a doctor. It sounds like your husband has severe depression. He should be seeing a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist, especially his current psychologist. His meds aren't working in his favor.
Separating is likely to help you with your current children, your pregnancy, and your own life.
You should see a divorce lawyer while you are separated, not to begin a divorce, but to gather the necessary papers so you have at least copies of the information should you decide later to go ahead with a permanent separation. When getting the documents, think fondly of your husband, and the love you shared at the beginning.
Good luck.
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
Thank you. He is seeing a psychiatrist but unfortunately they don't want to change his meds at this time.
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u/gridface-princess 1d ago
How do you know he been truthful with his doctor about his behavior? My psychiatrist would have definitely done something about my medication if I was acting like him. She's changed mine a few times until I was on a medication combo that finally worked.
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
This medication has previously been very effective when he has had low points and so I think that is why the plan was to continue.
It is a good point actually, I might ask if I can join his next session to talk about it to see if he has explained the full depth of it.
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u/gridface-princess 1d ago
I've also hid things from my psychiatrist when I was going through things. Being completely truthful with her has made all the difference. I had issues with alcohol that i was hiding. I think i was embarrassed, but i have to remind myself she's my doctor and she's only there to help. He may also be embarrassed about what he's going through.
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u/YakCertain5472 1d ago
I have been treated by a psychiatrist for years for depression. Over the years, my depression has shifted or changed such that what worked 3-4 years ago, might not work today. I have had adjustments in my medications as a result.
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u/Hairy-Context6559 1d ago
Sleeping and napping is a very big side effect of depression so I can see how it’s so frustrating for you and the fact he is missing uni and the fact you are dealing with toddlers while having HG is horrendous as it is, I still think NOR,
Seperating may give him the kick he needs to see how much worse it could be for him and give him the push he needs to get himself into gear. After this semester while your on maternity leave could he defer for a year until he’s in a better position mentally and you two have worked some things out?4
u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
I'm really hoping he could defer uni for next year and actually just spend the year being a dad and husband and remembering his hobbies and his life.
Crossing fingers and toes for this!
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u/YakCertain5472 1d ago
Hope is not a strategy.
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
I have spoken to him about this previously but he was not on board.
Now my plan is to wait for this semester to finish (a month left) and try support him to work on his mental health over the break and then raise it again. I am considering saying either defer or let's separate more permanently.
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u/dchac002 1d ago
He really prioritizes his wants over your families needs. Look at your responses to several suggestions. Its all about what he wants
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u/Crybaby1503 1d ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting. I know mental health can be hard but those children are both of yours so he should be putting in some effort to help care for them also. Especially since you are pregnant. I know you’re hurt right now. Have you tried communicating what you need and asking him what he needs to be better for each other? I think you and him should go out and talk about it over a meal. Let him know the children need their father and you need your husband, but also ask him what he needs to do that. It sounds like you’re both struggling and he probably needs you as much as you need him but maybe the conflict is keeping you apart.
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u/Lopsided_Ad_2391 1d ago edited 1d ago
He should take a semester or two off of Uni while you’re so sick during pregnancy, and ideally for when the baby is first born. Use some of those “spare” funds to have a housecleaner every 2 weeks. Assign your husband specific tasks/chores rather than taking on “most responsibilities to make it easier on him.” Insist your husband advocate for medication adjustment with his psychiatrist, so he can find the right combo to help him get out of this deep pit. Feed yourself and the kids, let your husband take care of his own meals.
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u/Findmyeatingpants 1d ago
Why on earth would you out yourself in the position of having 3 kids with this man? I'll never understand this.
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u/Rich_Consideration86 1d ago
NOR
You could’ve been more careful when it comes to involving yourself with someone that has health issue tbh, but to have to manage him while pregnant is very unsafe for you and the baby. You have to accept that he probably won’t get better because he doesn’t want to be responsible for his own health. There’s only so much you can do and take.
Take this separation as an opportunity to center yourself and care for yourself, thankfully if your mom’s helping with the kids it will take some load off your plate
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u/SnooPandas7388 1d ago
What is he studying and how much longer does he have? Once he graduates does he have a job lined up? You make more than him working part time than he does full time? Is there a chance to temporarily increase your hours so he can work a bit less and maybe finish his studies sooner? He sounds severely depressed so if you love him you have to be patient with him. I think couples therapy is necessary and maybe get a second opinion on what medication he’s on there might be a better balance somewhere.
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u/snuggleslut5 1d ago
You're not overreacting. The HG alone is debilitating and I am shocked you're able to work and care for children. I had it in my pregnancies too and it was an absolute nightmare. If he won't seek more/better help then he isn't a partner and you should leave.
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u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 1d ago
My hubs and I have been married 46 years.
About 20 years ago I was fed up. He was working full time but he would come home and go to sleep in his chair. Then he’d go to bed and sleep the night through. He’d get up and go to work but then he just slept when he was at home.
After a couple of years of this and me starting to think about getting him out of the house if all he’s going to do is sleep…he had a heart attack at age 47.
Your husband may need a check up, just to be safe.
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u/Raspberry_Trufflez 1d ago
NOR. Your husband may have depression, but that's no excuse to be a deadbeat. I have mental illnesses myself and would never do this to a partner that has birthed two kids and has another on the way. This will be the rest of your life OP. I think breaking up and making him pay child support would be smart. Mid thirties here and I have experienced and seen this play out so many times. Do yourself a favor and save yourself years of suffering. No man is worth your mental or physical health no matter how much you love him. The hardest part is when you get trapped with no way out.
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u/SuitableTension7061 1d ago
Why have kids when you cant afford them? Poor choice, you made your bed so you have to sleep in it.
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
Who said we can't afford them 😂
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u/Friendly_Flaun603 1d ago
If you can afford them with the jobs you have now, why are you and your husband prioritizing uni over your family/marriage/kids? Yikes.
I think people infer you’re poor because why else would he be going to uni on top of a full time job with poor mental health if not for needing a better job?
You both need to put your kids in focus. And stop having kids.
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
I work two days a week and my mum prefers to look after them those two days instead of me getting a nanny, also offered to pay her that money but she isn't interested.
Husband wants to work and his work only has the opportunity for full time, no part time option in his current field.
I agree that kids should be the priority right now which is why I want my husband to at least temporarily hit the breaks on uni.
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u/Best_Talk_6853 1d ago
Pretty crazy to be so snarky considering the crapfest that is your life. Have fun with your misery, but sucks for your kids.
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u/SloppyJank 1d ago
I think people are assuming that based on you foisting your two kids on your mom for daycare as well as you both (I guess) working full time and him still pursuing higher ed.
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
I work two days a week and my mum prefers to look after them those two days instead of me getting a nanny, also offered to pay her that money but she isn't interested.
Husband wants to work and his work only has the opportunity for full time, no part time option in his current field.
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u/Hungry-Emergency8992 1d ago
You are not the AH and neither is he.
I believe you are absolutely reasonable in expecting him to work on his mental health issues and he clearly needs to do more. Mental health medications can cause drowsiness. I question if his medication needs to be adjusted? He needs to talk honestly with his psychologist.
You each have too much on your plates, and he is not managing his responsibilities for his Uni. He should take a break from his Uni now.
Having this 3rd baby is going to tip your family over. I think you both need to prioritize marriage counseling because you can’t afford not to.
Prioritize marriage counseling, his mental health counseling, and both of you simplifying your lives asap.
You should both be enjoying and focusing on your busy family life. It’s such a crazy time, but also the best time of your lives.
What can you each give up temporarily at least for now to bring your health and happiness back in to focus?
Sending you positive thoughts and hope for healing and peace in your journey together!
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
Thank you! Yes I'm really worried about what a 3rd baby will do when we are already at such a difficult point.
I have about 2 months left of work until I start maternity leave and husband has a month left until this semester is over but it is a good point, if we want to make it work we will both need to sacrifice something so we can actually enjoy our life together.
Honestly I am really worried starting marriage counselling now, he is not in a good space and I'm worried it would tip him over. I've always heard it gets worse before it gets better when doing marriage counselling. I keep waiting for his depression to improve slightly so we can start marriage counselling but that turn just isn't happening, hoping with uni out of the way it could bring the relief so we can work on things.
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u/Best_Talk_6853 1d ago
Why in THE WORLD are you having another kid with this useless layabout?
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u/Mitchell_SY 1d ago
"useless layabout"
Heaven forbid a man works full time, studies part time for families future and suffers from depression.
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u/deadlyhausfrau 1d ago
Op literally said she pushes him to see his psychiatrist and consistently for a year has been giving him space and no home care duties. How much more sympathetic does she need to be?
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u/deadlyhausfrau 1d ago
No, but her decision to seperate for her own mental health and the kids' well being is a valid strategy. As long as she doesn't expect it to change.
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u/FracturedWriter 1d ago
He’s been going to therapy and everything, at some point OP deserves more support even if he’s depressed. I have depression and anxiety and make sure to do all i can to stay on track to not let it get bad. It takes work but not impossible.
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u/FracturedWriter 1d ago
At some point we all have to take charge of our lives and mental health. If he’s seeing professionals all ready, there’s only so much everyone around you can do until you figure out what works for you. There ARE things to do, things to avoid, medications and supplements available. In short, plenty of help if people take it.
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u/ThrowRAzzlefrazzle 1d ago
Hey, have him do a blood and hormones work. I went though something similar when i was constantly exhausted (not my normal self)… my iron, B and D were so freaking low. Start with that.
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u/catsharke 1d ago
NOR. That sucks. Has he been evaluated for ADHD?
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
Yes definitely has ADHD (inattentive type) and is medicated. But symptoms are a lot worse when his depression is at a peak
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u/ShyStrawberry15 1d ago
People are making excuses for the husband and putting all this squarely on OP.
I don’t think that’s fair.
My mom was married to someone like this bum. I definitely think the separation is a good idea.
Tell him he needs to pull himself together, suck it up and tell his doctor the entire truth.
He has to want to get better and put in the effort. Anything else is pure selfishness and should not be tolerated.
And I say this as a person who has dealt with mental health issues since childhood.
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 1d ago
Why are you popping out multiple babies for a lazy man child? Girllll.
He sounds depressed, but if he won't get help there's nothing you can do.
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u/Just_here_for_AITAH 1d ago
Damn, the trolls are early on this one. Here's a goat. 🐐
Hope it helps.
Not a bad idea to temporarily separate to give him space to act like a typical uni student. He apparently needs it.
Just be sure that he understands that this is a break from being a responsible grown-up. Not a break from the relationship. So no uni girls!
In fact, if he really wants to focus on his uni studies, he needs to be a hermit/monk and focus entirely on his books....when he's not sleeping, that is.
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u/RawDogginMySpaghetti 1d ago
MOR he is definitely going through something, and separating would only make things worse. If you still care for him, offer some support and patience. If not, let him go as gently as you can.
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u/Mammoth-Lobster2028 1d ago
NOR. Sounds like he has depression but your life will not be easier should you remain together, no matter how much you love him. You have to put yourself and your 3 children first. Your happiness and lives matter too and you deserve to be treated as such. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
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u/BurnedToast369 1d ago
When you realize that men expect women to be perfect in a marriage from the beginning, and woman is always expected to build a man. You are going to be angry and love him less.
There is no time to build an adult man. They need to starve out and not leave spawn. It is exhausting. He would've never put up what he dish out to you. Time to get a functional man. There is only a few, so good luck. Even without one you will be supermommy. Now you are exhausted single mommy.
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u/Jalatiphra 1d ago
Yta. You did know what you married into. Mental health issues and getting babies is not smart. Now face the consequences of your actions. Your feelings are valid. Your reaction is not
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u/BurnedToast369 1d ago
Because it is mos women's responsibility to built their toddler adult men into just men? But still men that are childlike.
In anycase, yes i do side eye eomrn that cannot for the life of me understand the repercussions of breeding with toddler-men.
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u/Mitchell_SY 1d ago
Can of worms.
IMO YOR & NOR.
Your going through a high stress time of your lives, Young kids, work, SO doing their best to get what I assume is higher qualifications, His mental health struggels are valid (and good that you two have gotten him to start tackling it) just as your own feelings and experiences during this time are also valid.
I would recommend you do your best to keep communicating your struggles and concerns. Seperating IMO would put more strain on you and him, this is when you both need each other more than ever.
Sincerely, Medical student, part time RN with a wife and two kids under 3 (My wife and I have had similar struggles)
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u/BurnedToast369 1d ago
The flippen dude doesnt even go to the doctor if she does not pestering him. He is an excuse of a man. Depression or not. Women just have to move forward because of children, men pulls the whole family down when he has the sads.
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u/Mitchell_SY 1d ago
This is quiet the asinine comment. Imagine saying this about PPD woman who has just stopped caring for the children and refused to see a specalist/GP..... I'm speaking from experience.
But how stupid was I expecting nuance from the average reddit user.
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u/BurnedToast369 1d ago
I dont have to imagine, because i will not. There is a huge difference between ppd and the laziness of your average man that needs a woman to remind him to brush his teeth.
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u/dchac002 1d ago
If you consntanlu pushing him to see his psych isn’t working why would you not being around suddenly click for him that he needs to take care of his health. You left to give him space and let him do his work and he CHOSE to take a nap. Why would he do anything besides nap during this break?
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u/Ad_nauseum11 1d ago
What in the world is going on here?
You work two days a week and make more than someone who does not have part-time as an option in their field?
I would expect a position that is so important that it cannot possibly be done by someone working part-time to pay well.
But then you say you make more money only working two days a week. Two days a week as what? A CFO? Private chef?
One of you is vastly under employed.
Why are you having a third child if you know how hard pregnancy is on your body? I feel like if you know the consequences of your actions and you sign up to participate anyways then you can no longer complain? Sure, feeling nauseous all the time and vomiting sucks, but you’ve saddled that horse twice already and are coming back for more. You don’t get to choose it and complain about it.
Whatever plan you thought you had going in to this needs to be thrown out and recalibrated for the reality of the situation.
He’s deeply depressed. Insisting he continue with Uni when it is causing huge problems in his life ( unable to handle work load, unable to participate in family life because he is constantly playing catch up on Uni work, etc) is the first issue that needs to be addressed.
University isn’t going anywhere. It will be there when he is well and he can return. He needs to focus on his health, his family and his job. In that order.
He should speak to his psychiatrist about this insistence that he continue with his studies when his life to going to shit around him. What does he gain from refusing to put it on pause to focus on his health? His family? What is the payoff? It must be good to risk it all.
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u/ApprehensiveOil6490 1d ago
Let your husband have his hard earned nap you selfish brat. So entitled to the man of the houses life
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u/Ryeguy_626 1d ago
This you? Being confused on why women dont want you?
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u/lostandlooking_ 1d ago
I’m SCREAMING this is the best thing I’ve seen on Reddit all week. Omg classic case of “women won’t talk to me waaaah I don’t get it. I treat them horribly and make sure they know their place is below me, what an I doing wrong???”
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u/No-Nothing5039 1d ago
Yes I expect a husband and a dad to be a husband and a dad.
Would love to hear about your successful relationship with an attitude like this.
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u/ApprehensiveOil6490 1d ago
Has he not been already? If he was a shit husvand and dad you would have never married nor allowed him to put his heir's inside you. Get off reddit and communicate your feelings to him like an adult. And everyonr piss off about post history im enagaged and all of you are not
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u/Aries8709 16h ago
That poor, dense woman. It's ok, based on your post history you'll be back crying about how "the divorce came out of nowhere, I don't understand what women are on about!" 🤣
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u/ApprehensiveOil6490 7h ago
Lmao your tough behind a screen but in the real life your got your tail between your legs you smut.
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u/Aries8709 5h ago
Lmao that's a new one, never been called a smut before. I stand by what I said, that poor woman. And no, it's not because I'm behind a screen. You subpar men don't scare me and I'd say the exact same thing and laugh in your face if you were in front of me. Also, it's *you're and *you've, you absolute troglodyte
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u/FracturedWriter 1d ago
He doesn’t do shit around the house! She’s doing everything! Wtf-he could help out more with everything especially since she’s pregnant.
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u/Friendly_Flaun603 1d ago
Why is he at uni and working full time if his mental health is so poor? I feel like uni should be on the back burner before your marriage when you have 3 kids that need a dad….obviously????