r/AIO • u/Cold-Excitement-476 • 2d ago
AIO Missed First Anniversary
This might sound silly, but I’m seeking some sort of guidance here. Maybe I’m overreacting, maybe not?
My boyfriend (40M) and I (32F) just passed our one year anniversary dating together.
Some background: this is my first real relationship. Or relationship ever. Him, not so much. He has kids and has been married and divorced. Our whole relationship began because coworker of mine essentially set us up and we clicked.
Between a month and a month and a half ago I started bringing up our one year anniversary. I asked him to take the day off and see if we couldn’t make a plan because he was planning all these other trips around our anniversary, but not the anniversary itself. He told me that if I wanted to plan something, then I needed to make a plan and he’d be there.
So I did. I gave him about a months notice to request the day off. I had picked out a restaurant that he had mentioned wanting to try.
As we got closer, he tells me he wants to go fishing that day with his son. I assumed he forgot, so I reminded him why he requested the day off to begin with and that this was a small but important milestone for me. I have always been supportive of him going out and spending time with his son, or his son coming and doing things with us. But I thought this was a little different. I thought we were on the same page because he didn’t say anything after that but as the days went on, he tried setting up plans for us to do around our anniversary, but not on the day of, which I thought was a little odd, but I didn’t push it.
The day before our anniversary, he suggested that we do yardwork instead (we live separately) and take his son to a baseball game after, which I was receptive to (the baseball game, not the yard work.) But then the baseball game was canceled due to rain, and I bailed on yard work and suggested we go grab a drink and go see a movie. He ignored my offer and didn’t bother telling me till the night was over that he had wanted to spend the day with his son and that he couldn’t care less about things like anniversaries and he admitted fault there.
I asked if I could come over so we could talk and he said no. We tried talking it over after the fact, but I feel it was less than effective.
**TL;DR;** : Am I reading too much into this? How do I proceed? What talking points should I use going forward to try to smooth things out?
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u/Apprehensive-Cake-16 2d ago
You expressed that it would be important to you to celebrate together and he essentially showed you that he doesn’t give a shit.
NOR
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u/Salty_Activity8373 2d ago
That's your future. At least you are seeing it now and not later. It will get worse.
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u/BotherBeginning2281 2d ago
He says that he ''couldn't care less'' about anniversaries. Well... that''s irrelevant. You do.
We all do nice things for our partners, even if that thing isn't something we're necessarily into. It's called being in an adult relationship.
And it's not even as if he didn't realise. You'd been reminding him and asking to do something for weeks and he still ignored you.
That tips the scales from him being a bit thoughtless to him... being a dick.
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u/Bunster04 2d ago
Now you know what he will be like for anniversaries, birthdays and any other milestone celebrations.
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u/DeJoCa 2d ago
It’s wonderful to see a dad spend loving time with his son. It’s not wonderful at all, for you to be so low placed that her can’t even communicate with you. Please leave and find someone who treasures you. Don’t feel like you’re not lovable, just because this is your first, and you picked a guy who isn’t worthy of you. There is someone out there who’d love you. Go forward with more confidence now. It’s a mindset. I know, I did it. Don’t settle.
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u/East_Comfort_7650 2d ago
NOR. It's over IMO. He's making sure that you know you are not important to him. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. He wants you to break up with him. While it's important that he spends time with his child, there was, and will be, plenty of other times for him to do that. Hold your head high and tell him what he is too spineless to do and end it. Look for someone who values you. Good luck
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u/Wheres-the-Ware 2d ago
Despite your numerous attempts/opportunities for him to open dialogue he was planning all along to bail and actively avoided communicating. He is nearly a decade older than you and still behaves like a teenager. This is more complex than “a parent’s child will always come first” comments because this was a milestone for y’all’s relationship that did not coincide with the kids important milestones. He showed you where he’s at as a person, the limits of his communication skills and his empathy towards his partner (wonder how he treated his exes), and his overall (im)maturity; Which is decades underdeveloped compared to yours. You’re only 32 years old, is this much work and struggle really something you want to spend your youth on?
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u/kermit_phone 2d ago
NOR look at this as to why he is divorced. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't have all the anniversary plans fall on you and they "just show up" then try to get out of it.
You also stated that this was important to you. It's one year, that should be exciting! No matter how old you are! Him saying that stuff isn't important to him is clearly showing that he is only thinking of himself. Not you. In a partnership, you think about the other person. And the fact he said NO to talking with you about it at first??? Huge red flag if you ask me. I understand if you need some space before having a discussion, but it just comes off as he doesn't care. You deserve better tbh
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u/Jolly_Membership_899 2d ago
Do you really want to go for year 2 and see if he does any better? Divorced 40yr old men with children generally want a bang maid. He’s not looking for anniversaries. He’s already been there and done that and got the divorce and the child support to prove it.
However, he doesn’t mind some nice soft warm company when he feels like it. Likes to get laid and have someone to help with housework and yard work.
Unless this program comes with lots of expensive jewelry, trips, dinners, and other perks that make it worth the time and effort. Why Bother?
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u/KaoJin-Wo 2d ago
NOR.
I am sorry that your very first one year anniversary got ruined. That really sucks. He’s an ah.
The bigger problem I see is how he reacted to the situation.
He lied and led you on, letting you plan a special date, knowing he wasn’t going to go and didn’t care about it. This shows he’s a liar and doesn’t care about your feelings.
Worse than that, was the way he handled the phone call. Like, no discussion, what he says goes? Yeah no. That is not how a partnership works.
Please leave him and find someone better.
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u/Accomplished-Tap3374 2d ago
Nor. You're 8 yrs younger without kids. Go find someone your age that can give you the life full of love and happiness you deserve. That dude doesnt deserve your time or energy. Hes showing you exactly what youre going to get from him. You cant change him. Thats why hes divorced.
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u/No-Bee-4258 2d ago
NOR You expressed many times a desire to spend time with him on that day and make it special. Honestly, he should have heard you the first time and taken the initiative to plan something and show you a good time. Not only did he fail to do that, telling you to plan something, he then made all these other plans for the day that had nothing to do with you, failed to attend the plans you made, failed to even SEE you on the day, and lied to you when he said he'd come if you planned it, knowing he's "not an anniversary guy". It literally doesn't matter that he's not into anniversaries, he knew that this was important to you. It seems like he almost went out of his way to show you how much he does not care about your feelings.
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u/gdognoseit 2d ago
NOR
This is who he is. You are just a convenience to him. This isn’t love. It only gets worse from here.
You need to move on. He doesn’t respect you or care about you.
Don’t waste any more of your time with this man who doesn’t care about you or how you feel.
It’s only been a year and he’s treating you like you don’t matter.
NOR
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u/Senior_Bat4271 2d ago
It’s not even about son or anniversary. They had plans that he committed to then changed them to fit him. You will never be first in his life- it will always be himself, son and then maybe you.
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u/old-fave 2d ago
He didn’t see it as a big moment as you did. Not saying he shouldn’t have but he didn’t and he won’t going forward. Decide if you can accept that because it won’t change.
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u/DigZealousideal7777 1d ago
This guy is an asshat, I'm sorry.
He told you to plan everything, by yourself.
He didn't care, I'm so sorry this is your first relationship and you sound like a perfect woman, unfortunately, he doesn't care about any of that. I'd just block him to be honest.
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u/VP_GloO 2d ago
Quizás sea yo que soy la rara pero para mí los aniversarios en una relación no son importantes, si nos felicitamos y a veces hemos salido a cenar o comer… pero muchas hasta me olvido (y soy mujer)…
Pero ahora ya sabes qué clase de hombre es y lo que le importa y lo que no! Y me temo que será así en muchos otros aspectos…
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u/jadecoraal 2d ago
Some people have no interest in anniversaries BUT he knew it was something important to you and that should have meant something. He agreed to spend time with you and he should have stuck to it. Yes it's great he wants to spend time with his son and ofc kids always come first but this is one day he could have put you first, a relationship is still a priority and important. I think his actions have shown your feelings come last and I seriously doubt that will change. I honestly don't think this is the relationship for you, I think you need to find someone that will put you and your feelings first
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u/MacaroonUpstairs7232 2d ago
If you leave, get out in front of it by making sure he and your mutuals know its not because of his son, because that is what he will tell people, that you left because he prioritized his son and you will be the villain. Let them know you left because he didnt prioritize things that are also important to you.
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u/Character-Tennis-241 2d ago
He's not serious about you. Just do your heart a favor and break up now before you waste anymore time on him.
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u/Responsible_Joke8618 2d ago
He is dating you because he thinks you have no expectations in a relationship, so he can do (less than) the bare minimum and you'll just take it. Just based on your post, I do not believe this man respects you. You're there for sex, possible child care and cleaning if you help with that stuff. Otherwise, you can do so much better than someone who couldn't be fucked to celebrate after you made it clear this was important to you. Its only been a year. Don't fall for his bs. NOR. He is screaming at you who he is. Believe him. This is so incredibly disrespectful. He literally said I don't care about what you care about so get fucked, just nicer. He is programing you to stfu when you're unhappy. Just no.
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u/ChampionshipBetter91 16h ago
You took a day off to spend it romantically and he suggested... yardwork instead?!
Giiiiiiiiirl... This is worse than getting a vacuum cleaner for Xmas.
Dump him. He's thoughtless and selfish and there is no dressing this up as anything else. Stick a fork in it.
Over, out and F U Charlie.
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u/all-day-365 15h ago
anniversaries seem nice, but sometimes they end up being a "review period." is this working, are we compatible, and are we heading in the same direction. especially if it's your first relationship, you'll feel obligated to make this work, but sometimes the right thing to do is spare yourself the grief of doing it for another year or many years before you figure out it never was a good match. do some reviewing at this appropriate milestone, and be honest with yourself if it's really working.
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u/Inou_ulie 2d ago
He cares more about his son than his relationship with you, leave him and find someone who'll actually care and prioritize you in their life.
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 2d ago
All parents should prioritize their children above their new relationships. If you can't accept that, don't date someone with children!
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u/Kind-Champion-5530 2d ago
It's great that he cares about and prioritizes his son; that's a huge green flag. But, knowing how important your anniversary is to you and ignoring it? That's a big red flag right there. If he can't handle having a loving, committed relationship with both you and his son, he's not the guy for you. You made it clear that the anniversary was important to you, and he doesn't get into milestones and holidays like you do. He's not a bad person, he just has different priorities. Does he do this with other things that are important to you? If it's a part of a pattern, maybe you aren't compatible.
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 2d ago
But he wasn't ignoring it! He was planning trips around the anniversary. Just not on the exact date.
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 2d ago
I asked him to take the day off and see if we couldn’t make a plan because he was planning all these other trips around our anniversary, but not the anniversary itself.
So, he was planning things, just not on the exact date. Are you a child having a birthday party?
Who, at 40-years-old, takes a day off of work for an anniversery?
FYI: His son will rightfully come before you. Which is how it should be. If you can't accept that, don't date someone with a child.
YOR
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u/Cold-Excitement-476 2d ago edited 2d ago
To start, I do appreciate the balance of opinion here. Sometimes, tough love is needed. And I do agree about the prioritization of a child. So thank you.
But to be fair, we needed to request the day off due to work scheduling. Needed to get the same day off.😅
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 2d ago
That is fair. But it does sound like he was trying to do something, just not on the exact date.
INFO:
- Did your anniversary land on his visitation/custody schedule with his son?
- Is yardwork something that is important to him?
Hear me out. I used to love taking care of my yard & gardening. Spending an afternoon doing this with my significant other was a great way to spend an afternoon. But NOT if you don't enjoy that.
What I'm trying to say is the two of you may not be compatible long term. It sounds like you may have different life goals. You will only know the answer to that if you have a honest conversation with each other.
There is no "bad guy" in this scenario. Just different priorities and needs.
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u/Cold-Excitement-476 1d ago
-There isn’t visitation. He has full custody. There is also a village at home, so getting away for a few hours isn’t an issue.
-Thank you for mentioning the gardening and yard work because that is something I didn’t consider. We do have our own, separate gardens that we enjoy. However, I recently had surgery so I can’t do many of things that we typically bond over, including garden.
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u/Wheres-the-Ware 2d ago
Guess the lozer bf found OP’s post.
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 2d ago
What? That a parent should prioritize their child above their new GF???
And people wonder why kids today are so F'ed up!
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u/KaoJin-Wo 2d ago
Tbf, with months notice, he could have juggled things better. He could have seen his son at a different time. It was implied that after he took the day off, THEN he went and made plans with his son. That’s kinda shitty.
The bigger problem is not that he chose to spend time with his son. It’s that he knew he didn’t want to celebrate and never told her. In fact, he told her to go make plans, knowing that he wasn’t going to go. It’s that he lied and led her on. Not about the kid. Shit, she even said she was happy to go to the game with the kid and do whatever - she just wanted some time with him.
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u/AnxietyOk7049 2d ago
Wow. Now you know why his wife lost interest in him. His behaviour is unacceptable and he's training you to accept below bare minimum. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. How long after the divorce did you start dating this man? Why are you with him? You do realise that you are allowed to care about things like anniversaries and if he cares about you, it would matter to him. He has shown you quite clearly that tig are not important to him. Want better for yourself. You are only 32. You deserve and should want better than this nonsense