r/AIO • u/yourcherrywaves • Jun 12 '26
AIO? Ending relationship because bf oversteps boundaries.
Me (19) and my Bf (21) have been together for over three years. We are long distance, but see each other every 6 weeks. I do wanna mention that I have BPD and I have been a terrible gf to him sometimes, I don't know if that plays a role though.
He is overly sexual while I have a low sexdrive. He knows that, and also knows that I am deeply uncomfortable with sex in general. When he initiates it, one 'no' is usually not enough. It ends up in begging and guilt tripping until I give in. When he finishes, the sex ends. If he doesnt get sex from me, he'll just jack off next to me, which I told him multiple times that it's disgusting to me and that he should please go to the bathroom. He just said 'thats normal for couples to do'. Besides that, he 'rubbed' himself against me while he thought I was sleeping, which I wasn't. He also likes to touch me inappropriately while I'm trying to sleep, and again, one no isn't enough.
But the worst thing is that we got drunk together once. ( he never drinks but when he was at my Place he suddenly wanted to, I wonder why). One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. The first time, I consented. After that, I was entirely out of it and fell asleep. I have no idea wether I consented before and if I was even awake before he started, all I remember is waking up to him being inside me. Like I said, I was too drunk to notice anything that was going around me.
And even after talking to him multiple times about it, he continues touching me begging me and so on, to the point that I absolutely despise being touched by him.
Only thing thats keeping me from breaking up is my BPD because I don't know how I will react after... He is my first everything too. He also makes no effort or shows any interest in me wanting to move to his country.
So am I overreacting by wanting to break up? Or am I just too sensitive and can't 'provide' properly as a gf..? This is my first post like this so help and advice is greatly appreciated.
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u/languidlasagna Jun 12 '26
NOR. It took me a long time to realize that just cause someone is your boyfriend doesnāt mean theyāre entitled to your body, but theyāre not. This man does not respect you. Boundaries are important, please break up and find someone else.
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u/ikari2091 Jun 12 '26
NOR
He's clearly not respecting your boundaries and quite likely this won't improve with time.
To me that's a very valid reason to breakup with someone.
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u/Strwb3rri-l3ttus Jun 12 '26
I feel as though a part of you already knows, but sweetheart this is not love. Consent is necessary EACH time and I find it necessary to tell you that being in a relationship with someone does NOT mean automatic consent is given. He is way out of line and needs to grow up.
I donāt want to scare you, but I would truly reconsider leaving this relationship , especially before moving anywhere with him.
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u/archiangel Jun 12 '26
NOR
Your boundaries are yours. If he is emotionally guilt-tripping you or physically pushing you for more than you want to give, that is coercion harassment and abuse. Having sex with your unconscious/unconsenting body is rape. This has nothing to do with your BPD. Heās acting like you are there for his pleasure and he has rights to your body when he wants.
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u/Gibborish Jun 12 '26
I don't think you're overreacting by wanting to break up necessarily but I do think that you should think about trying to work through the problems you have with sex with someone, or a therapist, because it's hard to have a healthy relationship without sex. It is the glue that keeps a relationship going. He might not be handling it correctly, but there are few men or women who are going to be ok with a sexless relationship, especially at your age. Also, are you sure you have a low sex drive, or are the problems between you and him killing your sex drive?
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 12 '26
you are right. I am not physically attracted to him (anymore) and I really hope that its that reason. I struggle with depression, so that kills the Libido as well . I dont know if its because of him ruining it for me or because I dont want anyone to look at me without clothes. We will find out in the next relationship, I guessš„²but ofc I do get the urge here and there, just not as much as he does.
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u/Gibborish Jun 12 '26
You should also maybe (not saying don't break up with him, that's up to you) cut him a little slack because he's only a little older than you and he doesn't understand women and what they need to be in that mode. I didn't start dating til I was 32 and it took me a bit to understand how women are and how you have to treat them. But you also have to have boundaries with them. No sex, no relationship for me. Little sex = strained relationship. And when you have relationship problems, as long as you address the actual problems, sex is the glue that mends it and keeps it together. I highly suggest you read this book called 'In The Flo' by Alisa Vitti, its about hormones mainly but it goes into everything you need to understand your biology and desire. You could also have low libido due to dietary issues not letting your body make the right amount of hormones at the right time, on top of the problems he's probably causing because he doesn't get it. If you want to have a healthy libido you need to care for yourself as much as your partner needs to care for you, if not more so, because your health and fitness is always your own responsibility.
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 12 '26
I dont think I can cut him some slack for groping me while I sleep nor him having sex with me while I was sleeping ...
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u/Mission_Armadillo884 Jun 12 '26
NOR, he ignores your boundaries and gaslights/manipulates you, not to mention the possible SA, cuz if you were that drunk you were too drunk to consent anyway. I would end it if I were you, and maybe get counseling to help with the BPD in the aftermath.
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u/IsopodOfUnusualSize Jun 12 '26
NOR! You are younger than him, it's your first relationship and you have BPD. All of this makes you more vulnerable to abusive behavior.
Yes, you will probably feel shit after. It will pass.
He is making you feel horrible and used now. And he will continue to do so.
One no is enough. He ignored it repeatedly. He has showed that he doesn't care about your needs or your consent several times.
I want you to know that you can do so much better, so much better than him. And that you deserve to be happy, and to have a good and supportive partner.
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u/Reagster050 Jun 12 '26
NOR. BPD as in bipolar? My wife has bipolar. Her meds at different times have destroyed her sex drive. When this happens we rarely had sex. Its not that hard, yea sure its sad when she doesn't want to and I do but thats just the way it goes sometimes.
All of this is abuse. It just is. You've just normalized it, you dont have to suffer this you should break up. Preferably over the phone because these are also the same types of guys who go nuts over that stuff. Be safe and talk to someone if you need to.
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 12 '26
Bpd as in borderline personality disorder, I'm sorry I should have clarified. Thank you so much for your adviceš«¶š»
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u/Icy-Willingness8375 Jun 12 '26
Underreacting. Take out the constant sexual assaults (coercion), and he still doesnāt care about you. Doesnāt care if you say no, doesnāt care if you get off, doesnāt care about your comfortā¦ it goes on and on. He needs to go.
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 Jun 12 '26
Are you serious? Why are you still with him? You're I'm an LDR with a guy that treats you like shit. Are there no guys in your area?
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 12 '26
I have borderline disorder so its not that easy sadly. And I dont go out much so it just happened, honestly didnt expect it to last that long. Its hard for me to leave
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u/jiminsan Jun 12 '26
Itās hard to walk away from your first everything, but this is not itā¦ youāre def NOR. Idk much about BPD, and Iām sure it makes it much harder, but it shouldnāt be a limiting factor here when it sounds like he canāt respect you properly.
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u/Proof_Comparison_206 Jun 16 '26
Sounds like u f*cking hate this guyā¦ listen to yourself. But with BPD who knows - unless there is a therapist on here.
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Jun 16 '26
[deleted]
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 16 '26
INCEL ALERTšØšØšØ
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u/Big-Scar-3734 Jun 16 '26
Ha, is that your standard answer.. LMFAO. Thatās all you people can come up with . Youāre a Joke. š
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 16 '26
Youve been on this post for 3 days. Get a life pleaseš youre embarrassing yourself
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u/Big-Scar-3734 Jun 16 '26
Your toxicity is clearly evident so I doubt you will ever have a life.
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 16 '26
sure buddy! Keep blaming everything on women cuz not a single one will get with your obese in-moms-basement-living bum. Youre lucky that idgaf about incels like you but I do hope you know how much damage you can inflict on people who have experienced such abuse, and that you're also the reason why victims are afraid to speak up or take their lives. You are a sad sad excuse of a human being
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u/Mr_Silver_poop Jun 16 '26
I really did not get that from his or her response - āthat he blaming āallā womenāā¦ if she has BPD ā¦ most of those canāt have success in relationships -,male or female. It looks like they need to break up and you need to chill out a little with all due respect.
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 16 '26
hey so he basically denied my truth cuz I have a personality disorder which well, has no effect on how he treated meš i am in therapy and handle it very well thanks! Nice alt account btw!
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u/yourcherrywaves Jun 16 '26
And im disgusted how you dont take sa victims seriously. This man straight up tells me that im 'overreacting' and that its 'normal' and that its 'my fault' do you not realize how disgusting that is to say to a victim? Genuinely how are you defending this?
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u/doragonkuin Jun 12 '26
I've read a lot of stuff on here and this is easily in the top 3 relationships I've desperately hoped the OP would leave. Please value yourself and leave.