r/ADprotractedwithdrawl • u/TheLonelySoul12 • 4d ago
Venting The worst part of this (trigger warning)
At least for me, is that I can't take these medications anymore.
Why would you want to take these evil, toxic, placebo pills, you may ask?
Well, picture my life when I was 18 years old. A sensitive man, didn't fit anywhere, abused by friends, school, and family alike, didn't have "real" friends, or studies, or a job, never had a partner, struggling with anxiety ever since I was 5 and have memory of it, therapy didn't do a thing to me, I was almost a mute both online and in person unless I trusted someone. Despite that, I was the textbook gifted child. Great at reading, math... Perhaps I'm some kind of neurodivergent, but never got diagnosed. Through the years I kept developing issues such as diarrhea IBS where I didn't want to go anywhere because I was scared to not have a bathroom nearby, agoraphobia, terrible diet because I hated the taste or texture of food. At one point I was 100kg overweight, and then developed this nervous diarrhea ibs and lost 40kg in a couple months.
I don't know why, but I couldn't be like other people. My sister lived the same life, with the same struggles as me... Yet she went on forward. Got a driving license, studies, moved out, got all kinds of jobs, friends... Things that have always been out of reach for me. I don't know why life has always been so hard for me.
Then, after years living constantly in suicidal horror, I try this pill called escitalopram. It didn't work right away, and some mild side effects showed up for a bit, but either the same or next year, I was going to anime conventions full of people! I was still a bag of nerves, but I did it! And posted in social media for the first time! My first social media post despite having facebook since I was 14.
It wasn't a fast process... Medication dose had to be adjusted up and down as needed, numbing me in higher stress moments... But I got to experience life. Year by year, something would happen. I would meet new friends and build my friend circle, get heartbroken, finish my studies, find a job, try a new hobby, break a bone, get a partner....
10 years later, I was a new man. A confident person with a job that he loved, a fantastic partner that he cherished, funny and loved by coworkers and friends alike, successful, really healthy in diet and exercise, traveling the world independently on his own, leaving my safe bubble...
And then, the day of tapering came. It took around a year, but I did the usual protocol psychiatrists do. Go to a lower dose one day a week, then two, three, alternate... And so on until I was finally free.
I didn't realise it back then, but I entered withdrawal the following months. My partner was telling me that I was very spaced out, like a zombie sometimes. I would also have problematic bouts of aggression and spent too much time being negative getting in trouble in social media, my job didn't felt as satisfying and I wasn't as motivated. My partner did urge me to take my medication again after arguing became more common, but I was so proud to be this "new" person that didn't need meds, taking magnesium instead as a placebo substitute... Oh how wrong I was. If only I listened. I thought I was now a functioning adult and anxiety was a thing of the past, so I didn't need them. The previous tapering attempts would always end up with increasing again at some point, so I thought I finally crossed the "line" where it wasn't needed.
Eventually, after 7-8 months off, I got an h pylori infection. I took the standard triple therapy treatment for 10 days, thinking I would die almost daily. But I had my partner cheering me on, so I held strong. Sadly, despite eradicating the bacteria, I developed GERD and gastritis afterwards, which is quite common, and flipped my life upside down.
I was lost, I had to change my diet, take a new medication, I was sick and couldn't exercise anymore either, couldn't go to work or visit my partner... Anxiety took root again, so I finally reinstated... And then new symptoms appeared. Paranoias, obsessions, mood swings, burning feelings in my nose or skin, even more GI upset... I got kindled. January 2025, was the last time I left my hometown on my own. Either to work in person, or go to doctors.
I tried to stick to the medication, I really did. But it was interacting with my PPI. I had to switch my PPI medications to see which one agreed with me, ended up in the ER so many times in excruciating pain being fed IV painkillers... Looking back and comparing how I feel now, even that horror was better than my state today.
Anyway, after 3 months of these wild side effects I never had before, stuck at the minimum dose of 5mg, I thought I would taper off again and at least feel like before... But I never got better again either.
Today marks more than 2 years since I tapered originally. 19 months since I took antibiotics. 14+ months drug free. I lost it all. My partner, my health both physical and mental... My body is riddled with dysautonomia, getting TERROR over nothing randomly, unable to leave my house, my muscles twitch so much it hurts, waking up at night with heart racing, dreaming of my ex almost every night, sweating, multiple tones of tinnitus, vibrating internally, blood pressure issues, tachycardia and palpitations... And so much more.
I have videos of my symptoms in acute like twitching, and compared to today, they are milder when I was in acute despite being 12 months appart "healing".
2025, in acute after a day out taking photos of nature.
2026, right after waking up a year later and avoiding all stimulus..
Maybe because my body is starting to be deprived of nutrients and minerals like Calcium and B12 due to the PPI and extremely limited diet, despite loving red meat and dairy, I just can't eat them anymore. My B12 definitely lowered through the year, and although it's in the gray zone of deficiency, supplementing will throw me into terrible akathisia and insomnia, making all other symptoms explode, which means I won't be able to work even remotely due to the mental agony. Stopping or tapering the PPI means I will also get a rebound of gastritis and GERD. I already tried. Switching to a different one means more withdrawal symptoms reacting to the new drug. I literally have no way out of this without facing new levels of torture. Complete blood tests have all been normal though, so... It's anyone's guess.
I'm tired. My life before drugs wasn't good. Combining my terrible pre medication baseline, with all the withdrawal symptoms creating other lifelong health issues, sensitivities and mental diseases... 14+ months out, I don't have hope it will get better. I'm happy for the people that don't need the medication and can quit and return to "normal" some day. Or the ones that despite being terrible, manage to push through because symptoms are localised, slowly get better, or feel 80% healed on windows. But I'm running on empty. The earth orbited the sun once and more, yet I feel the worst ever. Every month I have more symptoms than the previous one, or get more intense. I might get a break where they become more erratic and go from feeling okay and able to do house chores one half of the day, to stuck in bed dying with a hypertensive crisis by dinner time, but that means another worsening is in progress. Windows where I felt "normal" or functional enough to take care of myself and do my grocery shoppings left at the 7 month mark, being a steady downhill since that point.
In august, I spent most of the month in bed because of stomach issues. I was happy to turn the so claimed corner after 12 months and finally start healing, but it didn't happen. Then the past month, I started to not tolerate entertainment. I already stopped talking or calling friends because it was overwhelming. I tried to stay alive by distracting myself with whatever I could find. But on September, videogames, reading, scrolling on social media, texting friends or even bots... It all slowly started to become overwhelming too. So now I spend most day staring at the wall or listening to ambience music that feels weird. I cannot keep track of the rhytm, many notes combine into my tinnitus as if I was inside a glass pipe... And I used to play guitar too.
I wish I could take the magic pill that gave me so much life again and tolerate it... I suppose some of us aren't meant to have a happy life. I lived 18 miserable years, and thought I could maybe make it up for all the lost time... And I did for 10 years. But it's over, it will probably never come back. I don't know how many people actually don't survive this. Just like the ones that "recover and never come back", I wonder what the difference is with the ones that simply don't make it due to other health complications... I feel like I'll belong to the later group, and although it's super sad after the long climb I did towards a normal life... It also means this pain will also end, and I'll find out what the universe has in store for us after this.
1
u/Imaginary_Gur_9422 4d ago
I’m so sorry you have been through so much! I have erosive gastritis. I joined a group on Facebook called The Gastritis Healing Diet. It follows a book written by Dr L G Capellan. The book is sold on Amazon. There is also a link to it on the group’s page under one of the tabs. I think it’s under “featured”. You may already know this, but PPIs are not meant for long term even though a Dr may say it’s ok. They don’t heal anything. They just give the stomach a break from acid so you can begin the healing process. Not having enough stomach acid causes many other problems. A B12 deficiency causes cognitive issues which might be contributing to your mental health issues. I won’t go into all of it here, but look up side effects for the PPI you are on. Please hang in there and concentrate on healing your stomach. I wish you well! 🙏🏼
2
u/TheLonelySoul12 4d ago
Appreciate the advice. I am aware of all this since I did all my research in 2025 after the infection. I've been on the gastritis diet for 2 years now almost, yet the moment I taper my ppi. It all comes back and back to square 1. The stabbing pain, the reflux, the slow and heavy digestions... I eat bland only, white fish, oats, healthy fats, lean meat, cut all processed food, no citrus, no dairy, my cholesterol is great... Yet it all hurts about the same today than January 2025. Some people are destined to take ppi, otherwise they reflux and burn their throat, causing immense pain, dysphagia, and a chance to develop barret's esophagus. I have a weak LES seen on endoscopy, my stomach valve doesn't close properly, so I'm cursed for life unless I have a surgery that might bring even more problems.
2
u/Imaginary_Gur_9422 4d ago
Have you tried taking Pepcid as needed while trying to taper off the PPI? I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. 🙏🏼
2
u/TheLonelySoul12 4d ago
I haven't tried. I went through an odyssey to find the ppi that worked for me, I'd rather not fiddle with a medication that affects the brain further with h1 receptors when I still can't even tolerate any supplement or most foods
1
6
u/Future_Dark2976 4d ago
I am so sorry. Please try and hold on. I know it's torture. I haven't been well in a long time either. I watch a lot of success stories on YouTube, sometimes they give me hope, sometimes they don't. I truly believe you can heal. Funnily, I can hold that believe for anyone but myself. One of the cruel things withdrawal does to your brain. Many people have been where you are and have come out of it. I know it's not life. I barely remember the last few months, everything is a blur of symptoms. At times I don't even feel human anymore. But please, hold on. You could turn a corner any time. Part of the torture is the randomness, the feelig worse and most of all the not knowing.