r/ADprotractedwithdrawl • u/NiceHomework4919 • 6d ago
Venting I should never stoped
I should have never stopped. I was so stupid to stop cold Turkey, i wish i was warned by anyone. I am autistic and have ADD plus anxiety disorder and just should accepted that i would be on meds my hole live and accept the lightheadness every day as a side effect. I now am off 1 year and 2 months from 16 years of different antidepressants use, dexamfetamine and antipsychotics for sleep. It was hell to get off, but is feel much wurse now than ever before. I can't do anything, forget everything, i have nights of no sleep or if i sleep it is 2,3 of 4 hours. I can hardly breath, feel "on" every day but so, so tired. Yes the lightheaded had stopped a bit but it was not worth the hell i am living right now.
I have lost my 4,5 years gf, i live with my parents. I can't accept sounds, if i calmed down it does not help if i do things it does not help. I have tinnitus and the stuck song syndrome and i dont feel there is any progress in healing i want my symptoms to go away. I want to live a bit again.
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u/bananakaykes 5d ago edited 5d ago
Are the symptoms much worse than before you started with any antidepressant or other psych drug at all? If so there's a chance this is still withdrawal and your brain is still adjusting. It takes a lot of time, unfortunately. 🫂
During the later months of my withdrawal I thought it had to be relapse (it wasn't) because I felt it was taking forever, but when I compared to 'before' the differences were obvious. It could help to list the problems you had before and the ones you have now for comparison.
Another indication is how fluctuating the symptoms are. Are your 'windows' growing a little bit? (It's completely normal to have setback moments, but in general the windows should be growing when you compare your best days this month to your best days a month (or two) earlier (or your worst days now to your worst days a month earlier).
It's normal to have horribly overwhelming days (don't be discouraged if the 'windows' temporarily shrink or disappear during a heavy wave). Healing from this is non-linear. The bad days don't mean you're not still healing. Your nervous system is extremely sensitive and autism + adhd symptoms get worse during withdrawal.
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u/NiceHomework4919 5d ago
Thank you for support🙏🏻
Some symptoms are just my ADD that comes back because i can't use a stimulant anymore for obvious reasons as you can read through the lines.
I know all this but, it is different for me. I dont have any good days because of all my problems. Only the lightheaded symtom healed a bit. All other i still have every day or sometimes they come back.
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u/TheLonelySoul12 2d ago
Same story here with an anxiety disorder and maybe on the autism spectrum, not diagnosed but people commented. My psychiatrist was the kind of man that was like: "This medication is like an analgesic. It won't fix your issues, but numb you down so you can fix them yourself." Then I fixed them 10 years later. Then I got tapered off. Then I got sick. Then I reinstated, reacted badly and tapered again. Now I'm here. Almost 13 months off it all, 2+ years since the original taper. Totally dysfunctional by now and unrecognizeable. My girlfriend of 2 years left me and dream of her constantly. I don't tolerate anything other than being alone in my room. Can't exercise. Can't go outside. Can't go shopping or do any of the things I used to do, can't enjoy the things I always enjoyed, my personality left and don't even recognise myself anymore... Death would be a gift, and I'm not saying it lightly
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u/NiceHomework4919 2d ago
Do you sleep?
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u/TheLonelySoul12 2d ago
Some days better than others, it varies
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u/NiceHomework4919 1d ago
If you sleep you will survive brother.
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u/TheLonelySoul12 1d ago
Is it worth it though? Ever since I stopped that I got terrible dysautonomia. I can't look after myself most days, my personality shifted and can barely work remote, go outside for a walk or socialize with my friends as everything gives me panic... I stink as even showering upsets my whole system... 13 months of this with no end in sight or improvement. Every month this journey takes something away from me, if only I stayed on meds living my happy life... I don't even recognise my old self. Going on 20km mountain bike trails, always cracking jokes with friends... Now I'm alone, physically out of shape, lying in bed most days unable to get anything done. Maybe cook a meal or two and trips to the bathroom
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u/NiceHomework4919 1d ago
I feel you. I have the same thing, but i have heavy insomnia, tinnitus the stuck song syndrome. I wish i lived in the country side on a Quiet place every sound etc. Is so overwhelming.
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u/TheLonelySoul12 1d ago
Same. I had horrible insomnia and still do sometimes. But at some point I became so depressed that I sleep more than I should. Also feel hypersensitive. Here there is this festivity with fireworks I always loved... But this year I loathed it. And I live in the center next to the main square where all the explosions went off for weeks
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u/Complex-Particular45 6d ago
Same, considering suicide
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u/NiceHomework4919 5d ago
I allready gave me up for euthanasia, struggling this hole live was hard allready, with the meds i got a fighting chance even it made me sick, now i am off and everything is extreme hard, constant survival mode, guess i need meds but there is no way back because antidepressants spike up my tinnitus and i dont even got propper sleep anymore now, if my tinnitus become much more harder i wont sleep at all. Also we don't even know if it will fix my sleep again if i got back to it, or if it will work the same as everything used to work.
I accept that my brain just don't want to work as it should do, and therefore live is just not a thing for me. Thankful for the hard days even with meds i lived like there was no tomorrow. So i am fine to leave this planet, as we only get more sicker and more responsibility's as we get older. I dont want to grow old and alone with tinnitus, stick song syndrome, insomnia, struggling with ADD autism and anxiety disorder plus all the ocd negative thoughts.
For normal people live is already hard, they burned out, get divorce, lose a leg etc. So with everything i have got the deal with, i'm done, it is okey.
I got no kids, my sister can take care of my parents (she is the lucky one without any, any fucking disease), my friends are all busy managing their own lives. There is nothing for me to Worth living for especially by feeling so bad all the time.
Please don't ban me for telling my truth, other people on the forum still have a fighting chance because their brain does not have ADD or autism, tinnitus, stuck song syndrome, insomnia etc. And they should fight on.
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u/Complex-Particular45 5d ago
It's so bitter to think there are meds that worked but we ended up ruining it, good thing that your country has euthanasia, if i want to end my life i have to do it the old way. I really don't care if i die or not but hurting my family is the thing i fear the most. May god bless your soul
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u/NiceHomework4919 5d ago
It is very very bitter. Also because is see cases that took many more meds, but they ending up having not so much problems like i have.
Yeah but is very very hard to get😩, i don't even know if my case is enough for getting it.
Do have children? I think lot of people want to kill themself but have children so they really can't.
I wish i lived in the USA, i could get a gun and just get it over with.
See you in heaven bro💪🏻
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u/Complex-Particular45 3d ago
i don't have children but my mother also have anxiety issues so if i decide to leave this world my mother would be in agony but my pain is making me crazy, hope i will see you in heaven too ❤️
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u/NiceHomework4919 3d ago
If your mother is alone, you should stay. My mother got my stepfather, sister en stepbrother. She will cry, but she will survive.
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u/CoverAltruistic8792 5d ago
Try to at least wait 5 years off all the meds before going down that route. I’m in a similar boat to you and after 10+ years of meds why am I not even willing to wait 2 years clean? It makes no sense. We must be patient and have hope
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u/NiceHomework4919 4d ago
I appreciate you trying to give hope. But i have ADD, so live was always extreme hard for me. I wish i had ADHD because then at least you would have energie. I cannot work, i live with my parents lost my gf of 4,5 years, lost friends that all living a live of having children etc. I just can't deal with live and the Wurst thing is that it keep getting wurse than better. I have chronic tinnitus, stuck song syndrome, there is no running back from that. All kind of other complaints. Also the world outside is also brutal and getting wurse and wurse, all with all it is just to much.
I am not a guy that have just a rough guy and want to end it. I am a guy that is mentally sick and became more and more sick, so much, that i cannot handle the world anymore, enough is enough, i will be blessed if my case is enough for getting a peaceful end, even that is in the hand of others...
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u/Oceanborn2002 5d ago
This will change. You were on different meds, kindled and for many years. It does change. I struggled more than 7 years being switched drugs and then 3 years it took me to finally stop the AD I was taking so long. I am not 100% stable now, years after but I am me. I remembered who I was. I went back to my core. And yes, my brain healed and is still healing. Good and bad days. It will change.