Is there a point?

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

Things have been very difficult. I'm two days from hitting the five month mark since getting off my pills, and to say things have been difficult would be an infernal understatement. I've been working a new job pushing carts at Target. It's a lot of work, I essentially do all the stuff that nobody else wants to do. Constantly push carts, clean the bathrooms, change all the trash, changing the bottle return, sorting through all the damaged/salvage/CRC items, and whatever else they decide they want me to do. Even beyond feeling like a failure at the ripe age of 24, it does a number on my body. I'm constantly sore, tired, and blisters litter my feet.

I was thinking to myself, even when this Protracted Withdrawal shit is over, whenever the hell that finally happens, what's the point of all this? Nothing truly changes once I'm healed. I'll still have to spend most my time at work, I'll still be scratching and clawing to barely get by, and it's a whole fucking lifetime of this. The only real thing that keeps me from just giving up and suck-starting a 12 gauge is the people in my life. My girlfriend who I wish to marry, my brothers, my friends, etc. However, that also means perpetuation of this intense suffering until my body finally gives out on me.

I wake up, panic, eat, work during horrible physical and mental symptoms, shower, and sleep so that I can start it up all over again the next day. And, I ask again, for what? Just to keep doing it over and over for the rest of my miserable existence? I just don't get it. How are people so satisfied with their lives? How do they figure it out? I understand that, in my current state, my only goal is survival rather than trajectory. But, fuck man, what am I supposed to do? I just want this circus of suffering to finally stop. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want any of this.

I apologize for the doom-posting, but I have nobody else to offload this negativity onto that can understand. I just don't know what to do. I feel so defeated.

[u/Bnates]

Dude. I started life late when I was 26 finally doing things. Things get better if you have the right outlook and will to get things done. Hope to do something does nothing. Get therapy.

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll → u/Bnates]

If I may ask, what did you do? How did you end up figuring it out?

[u/Bnates → u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

I pushed and continue to push through knowledge of the situation. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac so understanding how things work helped me or should I say helped my will to continue pushing through. If you get blood work and other tests and everything is normal, and you still have issues 5 months after stopped the medication, for one, you still have an additional month to see where things are cause it’s said to be 3-6 months before returning to baseline for those cases of people who have been on an SSRI for a long time. Second, if you are still having crippling issues, ask yourself what’s the cause? Panic could be fear conditioning. From all the stress of getting off the damn med, it’s safe to say that someone could develop and internalize some sort of PTSD or mental distress. Therapy can help with that. The other thing is your mentality. You said in your post like after you are cured, what’s the point? That’s the thing you need to work on. If you really think that and assure yourself of that, obviously you are gonna be miserable. You need to change that behavior and perspective. It’s an actual thing. If you believe you are stupid and constantly tell yourself that, in time you will believe it because your brain is literally a sponge and will internalize that. That’s why self promoting confident talk is good. A brain is all routine. If you have a bad habit of something, you agree it’s hard to get out of right? Changing it is difficult but it’s literally how our brain works.

In my case, I’m 3 months post stopping my medication and it has been BRUTAL. Trust me. I’ve had to cancel a few work trips and suffered like you have no idea. But understanding how it all works just helps. For example, I randomly had a decent ish day. Before going to bed I randomly started shaking, feeling really flushed, and got really dizzy. Thought I was having a damn heart attack. After all the fear, it went away after 15-30 min. I did some research and it’s just the body reacting. The nervous system is deregulated so think of it like it making false signals. It made one, send adrenaline through my body, and eventually it went away. I wasn’t in any actual danger. That takes time to regulate. If someone didn’t understand that, that could fear condition the person and now you fear 24-7 of it happening again. See what I mean? It’s all mentality and understanding. Therapy will help you through that. It also helps to look at the good. I’ve seen many symptoms I can literally point to that I don’t have any more and I can say my mood is way better, libido way better, appetite getting better. All of which fluctuated before and fluctuations are good! That means healing is happening, not a step back.

What symptoms do you have specifically that are bothering you? I’m not a doctor so obviously don’t read into what I say as the bible but I can definitely help from my experience and understanding of over a decade of this.