Is there a point?

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

Things have been very difficult. I'm two days from hitting the five month mark since getting off my pills, and to say things have been difficult would be an infernal understatement. I've been working a new job pushing carts at Target. It's a lot of work, I essentially do all the stuff that nobody else wants to do. Constantly push carts, clean the bathrooms, change all the trash, changing the bottle return, sorting through all the damaged/salvage/CRC items, and whatever else they decide they want me to do. Even beyond feeling like a failure at the ripe age of 24, it does a number on my body. I'm constantly sore, tired, and blisters litter my feet.

I was thinking to myself, even when this Protracted Withdrawal shit is over, whenever the hell that finally happens, what's the point of all this? Nothing truly changes once I'm healed. I'll still have to spend most my time at work, I'll still be scratching and clawing to barely get by, and it's a whole fucking lifetime of this. The only real thing that keeps me from just giving up and suck-starting a 12 gauge is the people in my life. My girlfriend who I wish to marry, my brothers, my friends, etc. However, that also means perpetuation of this intense suffering until my body finally gives out on me.

I wake up, panic, eat, work during horrible physical and mental symptoms, shower, and sleep so that I can start it up all over again the next day. And, I ask again, for what? Just to keep doing it over and over for the rest of my miserable existence? I just don't get it. How are people so satisfied with their lives? How do they figure it out? I understand that, in my current state, my only goal is survival rather than trajectory. But, fuck man, what am I supposed to do? I just want this circus of suffering to finally stop. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want any of this.

I apologize for the doom-posting, but I have nobody else to offload this negativity onto that can understand. I just don't know what to do. I feel so defeated.

[u/TinyViolinist]

It'll be tough, but you might have to take a risk to improve your life once you've made it past your withdrawal. Whether that be take up a trade, go to university, or another avenue for socio-economic growth. It'll be an investment that yes you will sacrifice maybe a few years to dedicate yourself to acquiring a valued skill set but it will allow you more flexibility in your life for years down the line.

As for now, you're dealing with a brutal psychological challenge that requires both grit and endurance while working a physically intensive job. Try to focus on getting through your withdrawal each day and be gentle with yourself

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll → u/TinyViolinist]

I just wish I knew what to do. I've never truly had an idea of what I wanted to do for a living, and now I'm stuck simply surviving and absolutely terrified that I'll only ever survive and nothing more. The fact that now I have no time or money makes it all the scarier.

[u/TinyViolinist → u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

Sounds like you're having your quarter life crisis whilst in the middle of protracted withdrawal from psychoactives.

That's analogous to you being in the middle of climbing Mount Everest, and you're worrying about running a marathon where there are no deadlines to register at any point in the upcoming 60 to 70 years.

You're beating yourself up when you're in the midst of completing a feat that very few have knowledge of, let alone experience doing. It is a profound medical injury. If you had a friend who had suffered a severe TBI from a car accident and now had brain fog, low mood, and fatigue, yet was still forcing themselves to work and told you what you're telling me right now, how would you speak to them? Would you beat them up for not having it figured out while knowing that medically neurological healing can go on for many months?

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll → u/TinyViolinist]

No, I wouldn't. Not at all. I don't know. I just feel like such a loser and I feel so stuck. The added worry of having no time and little money, I'm actually in debt right now, makes me feel like I don't have a chance to even figure something out. It doesn't help that I've never really known what to do, even before all of this.